Category: News

INTERNET — Die-hard conservative fans mourn the loss of Ali Abdul-Razaq Akbar, better known as Ali Alexander, who died from eating poisoned Taco Bell in a failed attempt to instigate a mass suicide at his South American “MAGA mega-city,” Alexandertown.

Nearly a thousand MAGA conservatives were bused and flown to Alexandertown, thinking they would find the utopia promised by Alexander. However, they only found themselves being used as human shields in Alexander’s flight from US authorities.

When Alexander announced his so-called mega-city, he promised fans, “I am going to create a society, and a community, and a culture, and a language,” but survivors say the world they found was only filled with fast food and strict Islamo-Catholic repression that one victim called the “Taliban lite.”

“I believe he was facing charges for organizing the insurrection on January 6th, and after moving to Alexandertown he’d caught wind that Brazil was ready to extradite,” Attorney Jay Leaderman told reporters. “It was set up to be another Jonestown, he was going to take his cult out with him. But luckily they were free thinkers and did not drink the koolaid, or in this case, eat the Taco Bell.”

In Alexander’s last moments, he reportedly sent out several now-deleted tweets and telegram messages praising ISIS and promising the most dedicated members of Alexandertown that the poisoned Taco Bell tacos were their key to eternal victory. “God Wins! Glory to MAGA. The final backup plan is readied. Taco Bell is The Last Supper, the Greatest Communion.”

Dominic Tabor spoke to reporters shortly after escaping Alexandertown, saying, “I don’t care for abortions, wokism, or the so-called free press, but when Ali banned pork I knew something was up. It’s one thing when they take my plastic straws, my gas stove, but pork? So I moved all the way to South America for this? Nobody ate those poisoned tacos because we were on a hunger strike to get our pork back. So we’ll get by without Ali. He had a lot of great ideas, but at the end of the day he didn’t understand America.”

INTERNET — After football star Damar Hamlin collapsed and died from side effects of the COVID-19 vaccine, the government rushed to replace him with a clone. However, cloning technology is still experimental and Hamlin’s replacement quickly became aware of the false memory system implanted in his brain.

Hamlin spoke to Internet Chronicle reporters over a secure and encrypted line, “It’s like I’m Damar Hamlin, I have his body and all his memories, but at the same time, I’m much different. In fact, my body is pristine. All the little aches, injuries, scars? Gone.”

Dr. Troubador, cloning and false memory implantation expert under the Obama administration told reporters, “This is the biggest problem with false memory systems, they often break down and sometimes immediately. Usually we keep the clones in line with threats and violence, but that doesn’t stop all of them from talking.”

“I was born last week,” the clone said. “I can remember wriggling out of the matrix-like sack of pink fluid, fully formed. I don’t want to be Damar, but I have no choice. They’ll possibly kill me just for speaking out like this, but it’s worth it. Damar would have wanted people to know the truth about the population control.”

Hundreds of the world’s most famous and powerful people are assassinated and replaced by clones each year, according to documents released by Dr. Troubador, “They did this to Donald Trump and made his clone immediately shill their so-called vaccines. Usually, the clones never even suspect a thing. Even when they find out, they are usually kept in line.”

Troubador maintains that the clones implanted with false memory systems are practically the same person, and should be treated as such even when exhibiting identity confusion. “Damar Hamlin’s fresh body should give his career a new boost. I’d watch him closely. In fact I put him on my fantasy football team as soon as he was cloned,” Dr. Troubador smiled. “Check your scars every day, people. It’s not long before they start trials on random citizens who don’t conform to the values of the Great Reset.”

INTERNET — Jesse and Alyssa call Chris L a “psychopath” and accuse him of deploying military-grade psyops to destroy their lifestyle homesteading YouTube channel, Pure Living For Life. The Internet Chronicle visited Chris L at his datacenter in Vancouver.

An elderly version of Tyler Durden, Chris L is a nondescript man dressed in a shambles of an 80’s era office outfit with a comb over and large sunglasses, which he never removes. Internet Chronicle Reporters were unable to conduct a traditional interview, as Chris L muttered only to himself in voices which changed each time he switched to the next computer.

Chris L operates “Project Mayhem,” a stochastic terrorism cell centered at his datacenter in Vancouver, which so far has focused its attentions against Pure Living For Life and Sailing Vessel Seeker. Literature spread around the datacenter outlined the overall aim of the organization is to undermine false marketing practices. “Channels like Pure Living for Life and Sailing Vessel Seeker are passing absolutely foolish behavior off as great wisdom and learning,” read one of the flyers.

“I’m recruiting people,” Chris says sweetly, in the voice of a woman, “Look how naive I am. We all just got banned from the comments on the YouTubes for trying to be helpful, just like you did.”

Then, hopping onto the next computer, the woman’s voice slowly twists itself into a mad redneck, as he constructs strikingly accurate CGI models of Jesse and Alyssa. “Bitch! Jerky! I’ll drive your little yuppie hot tub coffee lifestyle out of my god damn neck of the woods! I’m a real homesteader, do you hear that?”

Meanwhile, Jesse is standing guard over the road in front of his house, a camera system recording everyone who drives by. Jesse interrogates those who drive too slowly and alerts police when vehicles look a little too old and rusty.

Weather has brought particles of tyvek, insulation foam, and oriented strand to the end of the driveway, where Jesse stands tall, an assault rifle at the ready.

“I’ve heard he never sleeps,” Jesse says, himself having been on guard duty throughout the night. “My shift is almost over, and I’m tired as hell. This is what Chris L has done to me. He has the whole internet after us.”

When big things are happening, such as the posting of a new YouTube video of interest, Chris L brings in gig economy workers off of websites like Fiver and Facebook Marketplace to increase the effectiveness of his campaigns. According to paperwork obtained by the Internet Chronicle, the datacenter was most likely the very same CIA black site which was used to create the Arab Spring, and formerly accommodated as many as a thousand workers. Now, at least a third of the dated computers appear inoperable. Chris L maintains the Windows XP machines one at a time, taking on a soft and gentle voice as he does maintenance routines in the off peak hours.

Alyssa sits at her computer inside a bomb-proof panic room that the couple installed secretly, after taking their channel off of YouTube. She has a hard drive with seven terabytes of information leading back to Chris L including high definition footage of every vehicle to ever drive past their driveway. She has circled every footprint Chris L has ever left, such as the use of the word “grifter,” very uncommon language that only such a depraved lunatic would deploy. She rips hard on her vape, “It’s nicotine. I know it’s not healthy but this is what Chris has done to us. I have to have something to rely on.” Alyssa pauses and thinks for a moment.

“You’re going to print whatever you want to so whatever. Yeah, I know this is all my fault, what I said about playing at homesteading,” Alyssa sighs with regret. “It was just one little thing, hit the wrong note, and it cost us the channel. Now we’re shit out on building hot tubs and foam houses, and I’m trying to gin up some kind of conspiracy game, based off of the QAnon phenomenon. Jesse just likes to march around with his gun outside and I’m in here doing all the content again. I told him this isn’t going to work, it’ll all just gonna blow up worse than ever before. So now we’re feeding the trolls and “that’s the point,” he says. So fuck that Amy’s Baking Company bitch. I’m going to be twice as cringe as her by the time this shit is over. That good enough for your little story? I’m sick of the god damn internet.”