Snowden says CryptoParty factions will shut the Internet down if they do not allow U.N. collectivization under Agenda 21
MOSCOW, Russia – Yet more evidence of an inescapable worldwide menace of Gestapo-like Nazi surveillance undertaken by every major corporation and government was brought forth Thursday, shortly after Edward Snowden was granted asylum in Russia.
In a closed conference, Snowden stated, “The Global CryptoParty has been using encrypted communications, made possible by the Internet, to arrange for a new order under United Nations law. All Internet communications companies and national programs are to be collectivized immediately under Agenda 21 to ensure an environment free of Great Walls and all-seeing eyes. This order has been secretly notarized by Ban Ki-moon and has already passed into law. The Internet will be blacked out by cooperating CryptoParty factions across the globe until the shameful apparatuses responsible for controlling the Internet have been removed and all available infrastructure is under U.N. service. Similar programs are to be implemented for education and insurance industries, and we will ultimately develop a military strategy designed to defend against extraterrestrial invasion.”
Sources claim Snowden was arrested and detained along with his WikiLeaks entourage. Public figures and the mainstream media have been slow to react, preferring to ignore this story entirely in hopes that the CryptoParty will not be able to follow through with their fantastic and unbelievable threats. U.N. representatives refused to comment on the incident.
Comrade Putin announced the return of the Soviet Union after a glorious fishing expedition.
MOSCOW — After returning from a successful fishing trip, Comrade Putin announced a program intended to return to the Soviet ideal of rule according to today’s most cutting-edge Marxist thinking. Comrade Putin said, “No longer will we identify the glorious Soviet Republic with the old Russian monarchies. Yes, the Soviet system failed us, but our new Soviet Republic is based on the most effective critics of the old system and the latest developments in Marxism.”
This move coincides with the release of Putin’s first philosophical treatise, a book which has been hailed as the most accessible work on postmodern Marxism to date.
Western intellectuals have scoured through postmodern Marxist thinkers such as Althusser but most are completely unable to understand what this means for the “new” Soviet Republic. Noam Chomsky, one of America’s leading intellectuals, said, “I’ve parsed these types of works before and they just mean nothing to me. It’s just nonsense jargon entertainers use to look intellectual, and Putin is no different.” Other thinkers have warned that this new Marxism is “hopped up” on postmodernism and could be thousands of times more potent than the first wave of Marxism. Postmodern Marxism expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “They’ve effectively created a discourse that is purposefully demythological. It’s as if the working class won’t even have to believe in ridiculous myths about the inevitable rise of Communism, the type of thing which led to the horrors of Stalinism. Putin’s work is impressive. This may finally be Plato’s dream of an enlightened rule by Philosopher kings. Postmodern Marxism is not directly about economics anymore but rather about how certain ideologies function and guide nations this way and that. If you look at America, we’re guided almost by little more than cave-man instincts to conserve resources in times of trouble. That’s bad economic policy, unless you’re a caveman, because government spending is actually what’s needed to stabilize markets in this particular situation. It seems the Soviet Union is waking up from its long slumber with a keen awareness of all its past failings, and the simplistic and child-like thought which rules Americans will be trod upon by the new Soviet Republic.”
Obama pardoned Manning with the click of a button, after he was found guilty in a verdict Tuesday.
WASHINGTON — In a remarkable reversal of policy, President Obama held a press conference at the White House Tuesday afternoon in which he announced a pardon for Bradley Manning, the whistleblower who uncovered millions of embarrassing American diplomatic files. Standing at a podium with the presidential laptop, President Obama clicked a button which officially confirmed Manning’s pardon. President Obama said, “Did you think I’d really let him rot in a gulag for the rest of his life? This is America! It’s been hell for the State Department since WikiLeaks got a hold of all those files, and we’ve been nearly paralyzed, but what counts are Manning’s good intentions and touching personal story. I’m now inclined to agree with his supporters that America is becoming an evil empire. But I won’t let it continue.”
President Obama fielded questions from reporters, but refused to speak with the mainstream media, instead opting to interact with scrappy-looking members of the independent media who livestreamed the event with ad hoc broadcast gear strapped to their bodies. One citizen reporter asked President Obama if he planned to continue the process of healing international relations, and the President responded, “I plan to tour all the nations that have been unfair subjects of our imperialism and personally apologize. We won’t just apologize this time, but we will reverse the policies which have paralyzed our diplomacy and unfairly benefited American interests.”
Another reporter questioned President Obama about a possible pardon for Edward Snowden, the NSA leaker who uncovered massive surveillance systems targeting not only US citizens, but the entire internet. Obama said, “Snowden may have been an agent for Russia or China, and we can’t rule that possibility out just yet. If his touching story turns out to be legitimate, then yes, I’d pardon him, but it’s too soon to tell. As for the surveillance on US citizens, we’ve pulled the plug on that program entirely. It’s not helping us catch terrorists and it costs far too much, but even more importantly, it’s an insult to the American people. It says our judgement is too clouded by fear to trust the American people with the liberty of privacy, and we can’t be guided by that kind of paranoid thinking.”
One livestreamer asked President Obama about human rights abuses and force-feeding at Guantanamo Bay, and the President responded, “The force feeding going on there is disgusting. I promised to shut down Guantanamo Bay, and now we’re finally pulling the plug on it.” The President scowled at the mainstream media, and almost sneeered, “If maximum security American prisons aren’t good enough for terrorists, then what are they good for?”
Obama was later seen shirtless, sporting the Nobel Peace Prize around his neck on a gold chain, playing pick up basketball with poverty-stricken children who have no access to health care or college education.
