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Status Quo

Experts: All social media now ‘just circles’

google-plus-circles-in-facebookINTERNET – Social media platforms, apparently fascinated by the roundness of circles, are pretty must just, like, totally circles now.

The phenomenon began when some neurotic designer decided to break away from every convention, including the shape itself of windows and computer screens.

With a twinkle in his eye, chronicle.su media historian Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour recalls “them good old days.”

“Like the old TVs, remember how crappy they were? They weren’t squares,” he said. “They didn’t have corners. But now social media, on sites which started as squares, are just circles again. They want to go back to when floor model TVs were the focus of the room and were somewhat more aesthetically pleasing, I guess. But TV back then sucked. It was just horses and cowboys and shit, because it was on crappy technology. TV was so bad back then, they didn’t even record it. Producers just aired it live and said, ‘Ah, forget about it.’ And now that’s what social media is. A bunch of shit you’d never want to see, all taking place inside of a stupid, fucking circle.”

Circular designs is the ultimate hipster black hole, Troubadour says.

“Hey, haven’t you heard? Stuff that sucks is good now – ask any hipster – and so we’re going full circle. Social media sucks again!”

When social media was composed of rectangles and squares, you could literally pull pussy out of your computer screen, according to Anonymous. Now, with these circles, it’s all you can do to even get a girl to notice you, users report.

“What’s that? Sorry, I couldn’t tell you had any personality, edginess or discernible features at all, because I see everything through a circle now. All the edges are cut off.”

-Circle Plus user

It wasn’t until like, 1999 we finally got a perfectly square television screen, and all of a sudden these millennials are scrambling for circles again, Troubadour said. He said it’s the same reason Instagram’s icon is a roundish Polaroid, and all their filters and borders harken back to shitty technology, as if it’s something we would ever want to return to. And now people are reducing the fidelity of their media to the grainy, blurry, sepia-tone point of uselessness.

“People fought wars and died for the square, people spent their life’s work developing perfectly flat, square television pictures and computer monitors, and now you want to go BACK to the circle?” he asked. “Come on, let’s be reasonable.”

This clever story is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

We own everything that matters, including Facebook, Yahoo Plus and Google Chrome!

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Status Quo

Lebal Drocer board calls diversity proposal ‘unduly burdensome and kind of gay sounding’

lebal-drocer-dismisses-diversity-proposalThe company, like other big tech firms, has been criticized for being mostly male and predominantly white.

Last year, Lebal Drocer CEO Raleigh Theodore Sakers praised a diverse workplace. He said diversity is “whatever, pretty good I guess,” adding that having colored folk around, and women, could improve the company’s image.

But Lebal Drocer’s board of directors opposes a new proposal to increase diversity among its white, cis male-dominated Alpha Management team at the top.

The proposal, submitted by Lebal Drocer shareholder Lequita McNority, would require an aggressive recruitment policy to change the company’s demographic makeup.

[pullquote]

“You can’t say anything anymore.”

Lebal Drocer

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The board rejected it, saying it is “unduly burdensome and kind of gay sounding,” according to an announcement sent last week ahead of its February shareholder meeting held each month in the basement of a Richmond, Va. gentleman’s club.

There are eight people on Lebal Drocer’s board. They are all white, bearded men, except for Lequita who got the job because she was “at one time, always down to fuck.” Her diversity proposal, the company says, sounds just like something a woman would do.

Lebal Drocer’s executive team, like many major tech and chemical firms, is united by a common struggle: being a white male minority in a crazy, mixed up world of political correctness.

Lebal Drocer insists that it is doing its part to improve the stats:

Lebal Drocer has demonstrated to shareholders its commitment to whitewashing anything having to do with inclusion and diversity, which – as we continue to reiterate, but just like a woman not to listen – are core values for our company. Our 2015 diversity report reveals that 69% of the company is male and 31% are males who identify as women. So back the fuck up, shitlords.”

Lebal Drocer Diversity Report 2015 - The pay grade for employees who identify as women is reduced in proportion to their femininity.
The pay grade for employees who identify as women is reduced in proportion to their femininity.

The board said its efforts are already much “broader” than what’s requested in the proposal.

“We already hire coloreds: We have an efficient, proud janitorial staff at Lebal Drocer headquarters in Cuthbert, and a fantastic team of secretaries composed of some of the most beautiful women in Atlanta.”

Lebal Drocer did not immediately respond to a request for comment, but they did pay us to write this article.

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Status Quo Uncontrollable Patriotism

I don’t care because you do

Put on the Aphex Twin and listen to me hate

Fuck all of you who suddenly care about people in Paris, people in Uganda, and people scooping oil sands out of the Niger Delta (oh wait, it isn’t time to care about them yet?).

You know who you are: You just saw it on the news, and suddenly now you care. If I hate anything more than hypocrisy, it’s those of you pretending to give a shit about x because y is happening on CNN. They are using you. THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF CABLE TV NEWS IS TO MANIPULATE YOU.

You want to impress me? (No.) Get the fuck off Twitter and Facebook, where I see you cunts, and shut the fuck up and then I’ll really start to notice. Because every time someone hashtags #PrayForParis neither a fuck nor a care is given and I do not recognize your so-called empathy. You are being manipulated into taking a position on an issue you didn’t know exists. Case in point:

https://twitter.com/hatesec/status/668659876768387072

I’m not about to waste my time researching whether it’s an authentic video or not because it doesn’t matter. Saudi Arabia, our strongest ally in the Middle East, funds ISIS which means the USA might as well fund ISIS and make their videos for them too. This ain’t yo’ daddy’s worldview! This is the technolibertarian hellscape of the New Century and you’re reading about it live on the Internet Chronicle.

Now, if I am to understand our reasons for destabilizing the Middle East via war and conflict are somehow tied to an improvement in human life, doesn’t it stand to reason we would have started in the absolute asshole of that region? Saudi Arabia: the women-hatin’est, gay-bashin’est, slave-beatin’est, religionest, rootin’ tootin’ HATEHOLE OF THE MIDDLE EAST, Saudi Arabia – with its control over global oil prices, public opinion and influence over mass media – is an abscess on human society. BUT THEY DO OUR BOMBING FOR US SO WE DON’T HAVE TO STRIKE YEMEN OURSELVES. What’s that saying, the shithole of my enemy is my shithole? Saudi Arabia must be about as American as a bald eagle’s pussy because we would question Palestine’s existence before even challenging the Saudi connection to global terrorism – our two best friends got married and we weren’t invited? Well we paid for the wedding, anyway.

By the way: The 9/11 hijackers were Saudi

Your blind support for anything you don’t know or understand is a blank check for powers that extend beyond anything you’ll ever know – all the way to the top – all the way to the masked sex parties where people you’ve never heard of who control the movement of hundreds of billions of dollars are banging virgin sex slaves, who weren’t taught English but trained instead only to articulate “Pray for Paris! Pray for Paris, MASTER!” as some greasy billionaire destroys them before they knew what life was. And you’re right there behind them, sucking the powercock.

So the next time you want to #PrayforParis do it somewhere I can’t see you or hear you, because I don’t give a fuck about Paris because IT WASN’T MY FUCKING IDEA TO CARE ABOUT PARIS. I care about writing this story more than I care how many thousands of people died in the World Trade Center attack, because it wasn’t my idea to care about that, either. How many people bemoan the loss of innocence who remembers where they were when a teacher announced JFK’s assassination, and suddenly they care about a pillar of power they can neither see nor understand, but it controls them?

The next time someone asks you to #PrayforBabyCailey or #PrayforAfrica here’s what you say. “I pray thee: Go fuck yourself. I’ll pray for who I want.”

Of course, prayer is bullshit anyway. If you believe in that shit you should check out The Secret on DVD, and after that, What the Bleep Do We Know? and after that, dude, check out this dank-ass Scientology, it’s got answers, man. Real Solutions. And after that, check out the Nazis, man. Final Solutions.

This is all a ruse to distract you from the systematic subjugation of human culture by turning over our sympathies to whatever is to then be done in our names: In America, everybody fell for that 9/11 bullshit and gave the executive branch more powers, unchecked aggression, and a Patriot ACT that will outlive us all. And rightfully so, your emotional weakness put us here. (Wow, aren’t you afraid of TERRORISM? How about some Terror Raids to correct that!) And they’re using the same tactics in France, where local police will use fears that don’t exist to justify acquisition of MRAPs, an arsenal of automatic machine guns, teargas hand grenades and fresh new black uniforms to battle the mean old fascists! Not turn into them, right? Right?

It's just like that episode of Andy Griffith, where Barny acquired thousands of illegal machine guns and armored personnel carriers for the town of Mayberry.
It’s just like that episode of Andy Griffith, where Barny acquired thousands of illegal machine guns and armored personnel carriers for the town of Mayberry.

HEIL, AMERICA

HEIL SAUDI ARABIA

HEIL ISIS

HEIL PARIS

HEIL FRANCOIS HOLLANDE

HEIL HASHTAG

SIEG HEIL, MEIN EMOTIONS!