It was not all that long ago that fire and wildlife meant everything to mankind. And just because we’re not into that boring shit anymore doesn’t mean we can’t still pretend to appreciate 35,000-year-old cave paintings in this news article.
Before seamless.com all humans sustained themselves through hunting, fishing or gathering (get a phone, Cro-Magnons!), according to Dr. Mann Lee Troubadox of the Lebal Drocer Institute for Cellular Data Technology. Troubadox, with his team of nameless indigenous children, recently discovered a swathe of cave paintings that revealed just how boring life was before the newly-refined iPhone X.
“We listened to consumers and wish to assure you the new features contained in the iPhone X Plus will piss on Samsung’s barbaric emoji keyboard, as Calvin would defiantly piss upon a Ford icon or – if you’re a Jeff Gordon fan – a Chevrolet bow-tie,” Troubadox said. “My team attempted to downvote every painting on the cave walls, whether it was for a lack of attention to important details, or the artist failed to capture the aesthetic that a Snapchat filter might’ve offered – or for other reasons – like if the painting was offensive, off-topic, or painted in the wrong sub-cave.”
While the Android world is making strides every day in camera technology, it took hundreds of thousands of years for cave paintings to move away from uninteresting tales about hunter/gatherer lifestyle, and into cool shit like marking the sudden appearances of supernovae: star explosions that were once inaccurately attributed to God, before woke cave painters like Banksy could hear Carl Sagan auto-tuned.
Though we are likely two months out from seeing the next iPhone, Troubadox and his team are working tirelessly to scan and publish cave paintings, as if they are even remotely worth looking at when there’s so much cool stuff happening right now on Instagram.
“Instagram pictures aren’t just square, anymore. The introduction of rectangles to the platform has revolutionized the way people share,” Troubadox said. “We hope to recreate some of these paintings for upload to Instagram where they can be dismissed with the same apathy as the uninspired, insipid, low-resolution shit already on there. We want these cave paintings treated like pictures of your slutty friends and stuff. Jerk off to them, and move on.”
“Did you see that guy do a sick loop in his stolen commercial airliner before committing suicide?” writes a reddit user. “Press F to pay respects.”
The caves, after being documented, will be demolished to make way for a planned 2021 extension to the Short Pump Mall in Richmond, Virginia.