Scientists at the NSA “puncture precarious surface tension of time” with forecasting technology

INTERNET — The Internet’s number one site, The Internet Chronicle, attended an academic lecture on Internet Studies and the Digital Humanities.

“Once shit hits the social media fan, it spreads before the so-called ‘lulz lizards’ can be hunted down. The Hydra’s head is lobbed off only after at least two heads, or variants on the narrative, have already been accepted and the old shit has been forgotten,” said Dr. Troubador, Social Media Maverick Information Anthropologist.

Excitedly, Dr. Troubador revealed his latest invention, the Culturescope, “The Culturescope is a dynamic fractal rendering of all human language inputs in every word passed through the internet at any given time. It’s tapped into the NSA and has huge military funding. Heh. Different branches of Wittgensteinian word-game groupings are fed through an ever-changing algorithm which is based on the instantaneous gestalt rendering of the whole.”

“Watching every conversation in the world as a three-dimensional fractal image blows everyone’s mind. Of course, the  beauty of it isn’t what we’re paid for. Heh. What we do is forecast the likelihood of future events. The Culturescope has accurately forecasted events in its few years of test operation with a 98% success rate. The presidential election, Benghazi, and Justin Bieber spitting on a fan’s face. Even that Derick Johansen, employee at Wal Mart, who tweeted that he hated his boss. Obviously we’re through the looking glass, folks. This is the End of the Past. Humanity has punctured the precarious surface tension of time and now dwells in the future.”