Tired of snake oil? This new product is for you

Troubador Labs, LEBAL DROCER — Have you been feeling down about the all-encompassing conspiracy of the government to suppress the truth about 9/11, UFOs, and bigfoot? We haven’t. That’s because our new food supply investment plan allows you to stash your precious metals where they’re safest: Deep inside your body’s fat reserves. Troubador Labs invented a line of medicinal herbs and gold infused foods which will not only keep your investments in the safest place possible, your body, but also double the average life expectancy of long-term subscribers.

The government doesn’t want you to know about this groundbreaking product which threatens to put their entire hospital system out of business.

The New World Order is coming for your off-the-grid homestead, and when the extermination nukes rain down upon the heartland, you’ll need that gold.

Kony will only continue to drop bloated, purple ebola-infected children from his armada of private jets. The Gold coursing through your veins will ward off potential bioterror attacks as well as the constant weather modifying chemtrail dustings that make it hard just to look in the face of your sheeple neighbors.

Hackers will be unable to penetrate your golden aura, which scrambles and projects your randomized brain signals, effectively shielding you permanently with the world’s most powerful all-natural cryptography field.

Are you tired of advertisements filling up your head and wasting your time? Gold-based eyewash and gold inner-ear penetrating oils will sharpen your senses and block out unwanted input. Finally, you can be your own person and follow true libertarian ideas and exist in a world where New World Order Globalist propaganda cannot even reach your mind.

Worms and maggots may be eating your brain a little piece at a time, but a potent combination of gold and ozonated cyanoacrylate will cleanse your brain of all potential parasites when insufflated and used in combination with other Troubador Labs gold products.

The Golden Food diet supplement and precious metal investment plan means you’re backed by something real. But if you want to make sure you are storing as much gold in your body as possible, Lebal Drocer’s line of Gold vaporizers and Gold skin cream will put you over the top. Be a Golden Libertarian God. You are what you eat.

Now accepting Bitcoins, dogecoins, and for a limited time only, OsamaCoins. Gold will always be worth something, but computer will all be gone in a matter of months, people.