Social media is abuzz with hype over the unveiling of Subway’s new spokesman. After news broke of legendary Subway spokesman Jared Fogle’s involvement in a child porn ring, the sandwich giant wants to distance itself as far as possible from the unfortunate stigma of child rape, even going so far as to abandon their iconic “Eat Fresh” trademark slogan.
Rumor has it Subway’s new spokesman, an IT specialist from Utah named William Grecko, is well known for his attraction exclusively to adults. Subway announced Grecko famously walked two miles to Subway from work each day, just to avoid schoolyards and daycare centers, improving health and raising sandwich awareness.
The Subway Corporation said they extend the benefit of the doubt to each individual under employment through the company. Just to be safe, however, Subway executives ordered an official investigation into Grecko’s background and confirmed he is the real deal.
“Unlike my predecessor,” Grecko said on Twitter, “I have no record of sexual misconduct and there is nothing I love more than unprotected sex between two completely shaven, consenting adults on videotape. And I think the investigation will show that.”
Los Angeles authorities confirmed William Grecko’s browser histories contained only legal pornography featuring only adults who work for reputable porn publishers, like Brazzers and Bang Bros, Inc.
Leading detective for the LAPD Todd Herring said his staff searched across three platforms – Internet Explorer, Google Chrome and Mozilla Firefox – and, barring a few outliers, Herring said they found nothing unusual about Grecko’s porn habits.
“We assessed Mr. Grecko’s browser history and found records congruent with California state law, including – but not limited to – interracial granny, lesbian tribadism and Japanese watersports,” Herring told reporters outside a Santa Monica Subway restaurant. “And while our initial findings raised some red flags, we concluded that high-definition German scat porn – while offensive to the senses and strongly indicative of mental illness – is well within the bounds of the law, and decidedly very adult.”
Subway expressed gratitude in an official statement on their website, and Grecko told a pedophile-weary crowd of Subway patrons they have nothing to fear but whether the store is open on Thanksgiving (it is!).
“Ladies and gentlemen, families of all backgrounds, I am pleased to announce I do not want to touch, lick or fondle the supple white bodies of your nonconsenting and sexually unaware innocent young children,” Grecko said, “And I can assure you right now that I will not so much as glance in the direction of their hot little tight asses.”
And before you ask: No, I have no idea what The Onion Router is.
William Grecko, Subway spokesperson
Sensing apprehension from the crowd, Grecko then added how he hates the “dead look” in a child’s eyes during intercourse, and would not be opposed to stricter child endangerment laws.
“I go out of my way to make sure I do not come within 150 yards of places where children are known to be,” Grecko said. “And when I move into my mansion in the Palisades, I’ll be going door-to-door, personally introducing myself and delivering a special message to each and every one of my neighbors, as mandated by both Utah and California state laws!”