BOSTON — Dzohkhar Tsarnaev, terrorist infamous for Boston Marathon Bombings, flew into a rage Saturday night when the Red Sox won the National League Pennant. Tsarnaev has been unable to speak due to extensive injuries inflicted during the protracted shootout following the bombing, but he was able to angrily scrawl on a piece of notebook paper, “I hate Boston and nothing made me angrier than the amazing grand slam which sealed the victory for the Red Sox. Allahu Akhbar! The Sox have no chance against the Cardinals in the upcoming World Series.”
Shocked Red Sox fans attempted to storm Tsarnaev’s fortified hospital room, but were met with armed resistance by paramilitary shock troopers called in to protect the mass murdering terrorist. Angry Red Sox fan, Gerald MacDonald, told reporters, “I don’t understand why he bombed a marathon if he just wanted to talk shit about baseball. I mean, why not just bomb the baseball fans?”
INTERNET – Susanne Brasko, Internet attorney at lawl, took down an article Saturday lambasting The Internet Chronicle’s pivotal role in the FBI raid on Aaron Bale. The article’s takedown coincides with the explosive release of Yung Danny Dantalion’s new hit single “Sue Basko – BASED FREESTYLE.”
Chronicle.su editors said they were hesitant to release Brasko’s threatening article before now. “But traditionally, when an article gets taken down, that’s our cue to ensure the integrity of the historical public record by putting it back up ourselves,” said Hatesec, staff writer for the Chronicle. “This is The Internet Chronicle, ENSURING everything you write online, is truly forever – just like our high school administration promised us it would be. Thanks, Blevins.”
The two-page article can be found below.
NOW PLAYING: Sue Basko – BASED FREESTYLE *RARE* Yung Danny Dantalion
MOSCOW – In his new video, a sleepy Edward Snowden demonstrated how to hack any website using only an iPhone and the RAM from a scientific calculator. With these new secrets, Snowden said, literally anyone in the world can carry out an attack on a government agency.
“You hear a lot of talk about TOR and VPNs,” he cautioned, “that’s what LulzSec used to do.” Snowden said use of TOR and VPNs is what blew LulzSec’s cover.
With this new method, he said, “You’re free to take on any government agency. You can carry out really any attack vector on any website … And once you’ve done that, you’re basically a hacker,” he said. “And you’re completely untraceable.”
The Internet Chronicle tried to warn you about the AntiChrist on your doorstep, people, but now it’s standing in the kitchen cooking pies and poison. With the onset of certain war distant from the public consciousness, the administration of evil is allowed to enact whatever corporate edicts are handed to them, and no one of any importance pays the consequences.
Your children are hungry, with their mouths hanging open, eager to collect whatever dust may blow in because they haven’t seen real food in a decade. They’re fat but malnourished. Your penis no longer responds to anything but scat porn on Redtube. Your girlfriend left you for playing too much golf, and your friends stopped calling because you don’t play enough golf. Your face has become pink from a high sodium diet and now you get winded getting out of bed. What’s the point anymore?
The Internet Chronicle – that’s what. Through all your sadness, hunger, emotional pain and societal decay, The Internet Chronicle has been there for you. For almost a decade The Internet Chronicle has filled your life with meaning where there might only have been a rewarding cocaine addiction. For years now, The Internet Chronicle has brought you the unabashed truth about epic conspiracies spanning the Universe: Chemtrails, John F. Kennedy, HAARP weather control, LSD mind control, public assassinations of high profile targets, and the notorious homosexual agenda of the “American” Pickers.
The American public deserves the shitstorm they get, just as the Internet Chronicle deserves the heaps of praise it receives on a daily basis from outlets such as the AP, CBS and some of those inferior publications we can’t remember. Keep reading, keep learning, and keep the hate held high so that the dollars may flow, directly into our blossoming bank accounts. And for the love of God, keep sending us your insightful comments. We read each and every one.
HOLLYWOOD — Giorgio Tsoukalos, host of Ancient Aliens, was reportedly picked up by a UFO Monday evening. Friends saw Tsoukalos ascending in a beam of light and changing strangely as he ascended. David Childress, expert in Shamanic abductions, said, “His head grew and grew, my God, it was terrible. He began to glow, it looked like his atoms were fusing. He became a ball of plasma or something, and several other balls of light were circling around, beaming him with some kind of radiation. They joined into one blinding, spheric thing that looked like a small sun. It shot off at an impossible speed.”
Friends earlier noticed electric anomalies and a static charge which stained the skin of Tsoukalos orange and made his hair stand up all the time. George Noory, host of Coast to Coast AM, said, “It was the weirdest thing. He told me once that he had been visited by balls of light, but he didn’t want to talk about it on the show. He said his brain had grown that night, years ago, and ever since then he’d interfere with electronic devices occasionally.”
Tsoukalos was later reached for interview, and said, “I can ascend and descend between the mortal realm and the Alien whenever I like, now, as many men in ancient history such as Jesus, Muhammad, and other great prophets. I have contacted the source of all, Aliens, and I can attest to the fact that all Ancient Alien theories are in fact truer than I ever imagined.”
INERNET — Dustin Miller, famed MC known as D-Loc of the Kottonmouth Kings rap group, died Monday evening after taking a fatal dose of highly potent marijauna extract known colloquially as “dab.” Fellow Kottonmouth Kings member Daddy X told reporters, “Yo, D-Loc is up in heaven now, but all the little kiddies out there should be careful with this dab shit.” D-Loc reportedly smeared dab over a majority of his skin, absorbing a fatal dose of THC through his pores.
D-Loc’s estate has been disbursed to the Miller family and will fund drug prevention programs. D-Loc’s fashion line, Hostility Clothing, has been shut down even as collector interest has driven prices of the edgy suburban streetwear t-shirts and baseball caps to new highs.
D-Loc’s death from highly-processed marijuana comes on the heels of Chumlee of Pawn Stars recent death from excessive super-potent marijuana vaporization. Family groups across the nation will hold rallies to protest the “domino effect” of marijuana legalization which has taken our youngest and best new entertainment stars.
After traveling to Mount Sinai, I saw a vision of Jesus, The Buddha, Moses, Lao Tzu, and Socrates. Moses presented me with half of a stone tablet. This stone was torn in half by Lao Tzu as Socrates discarded one half by asking it a question (a strange word remained, and one from the other was annihilated “ΔιογένηςὁΣινωπεύς” –“ΠαρμενίδηςὁἘλεάτης”). Each prophet took his turn to explain the remaining five commandments, which were carved before my eyes by a light brighter than ten thousand welding arcs. My skin burnt and bled as the revelation unfolded, but Jesus, in his infinite mercy, healed me with his laughter, and I understood how to best interpret each commandment.
1. Put none above God.
God is The World. Other rough synonyms such as The Universe, Nature, Truth, Life, Consciousness, or Reality are close enough to be substituted for ‘God’ and are each in their most expansive sense symbols which indicate the same paradoxical set of all sets. Do not put the symbol above what is symbolized whether the language system be Science, Religion, or otherwise. The very first line of the Dao De Jing says, in perfect concordance with the first law brought forth by Moses, “The Dao which can be put into language is not Dao.” Or, as the Buddha Gautama once said at the Lotus Sermon, “.”
2. Forsake all Idols
There are no sacred texts, holy men, statues, or aphorisms which are entirely perfect representations of God. This is a restatement of the first commandment, which bears repetition and emphasis.
3. Do not take God’s name in vain
Equally applied to such words as The World, The Universe, Nature, Truth, or Reality, this indicates the same idea as the first and second commandments. Such words bear the weight of an infinitude beyond all mortal comprehension and should be used with utmost care. One who uses these words is as Atlas, bearing the entire weight of God. This is another restatement of the first commandment and bears even this third repetition.
4. Slack off
The Commandments of Moses required only one day per week for restful contemplation of God, but back in his day people did not have robots, computers, or internal combustion engines to streamline and multiply daily works. Without even being commanded, most people now celebrate two days of rest per week! Weekends must be extended to three days. Not far in the future, work may become a task only for automatons. Exactly four more prophets and significant technological advancement will be needed to completely extend restful contemplation of God to all seven days of the week.
5. Seek (a) Meaning in Life
None have ever figured out The meaning of life and none can, as explained in the above commandments, but the search is all that’s left for humans after the automatons take over other daily works. A search without an object is falling and stumbling into an abyss which is itself alive and staring back. God is Not Dead. Finding adequate slack, humanity may even generate beings which will be able to address meaning in language which is far beyond contemporary comprehension, but this becoming is not The meaning and it is not Ascension. God is always-already and present in all; therefore, You Are God; this is tautology’.
THIS ABSOLUTE TRUTH BROUGHT TO YOU BY LEBAL DROCER, INC. NEW GOVERNMENT REGULATIONS REQUIRE WE PROVIDE A STERN WARNING: JOSEPH CAMPBELL’S EPISTEMOLOGY DOES NOT DESCEND FROM GOD — ONLY ANALYTIC LOGIC, WHICH DESCENDS DIRECTLY FROM A TRANSCENDENT GOD AND ENCAPSULATES GOD AT THE SAME TIME, IS PROVEN BY ITS OWN INTERNALLY CONSISTENT NATURE. SCIENTISTS PROVED JOSEPH CAMPBELL WRONG. HE’S NOT EXAMINING CHRISTIANS. HE’S TREATING THEM SUPERFICIALLY. THE MAN FELL INTO OCCULT BUDDHIST INFLUENCES FROM STAR WARS AND INDIANA JONES. WE BELIEVE JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AS A HISTORICAL FACT!
A guru got the idea of immanence through a young boy’s head at too early an age. “Thou art THAT!” And like that the boy understood that He Was God. Not long after, he stood still in a road as an Elephant lumbered in his direction. “Why move?” he thought, “I am God!” The elephant threw him off the path, critically injuring him with internal bleeding. Before his time was up, the guru came upon him and asked, “What the hell happened to you?”
INTERNET — Everything you thought you knew about hacking is bullshit.
After years of living underground, in refuge from the whitehat warlords, blackhat hackers will finally be eliminated in what is being dubbed the “Blackhat Holocaust.” What was once a rich and vibrant scene has been co-opted by the far right-left corporatarians, meaning dollar bills, fellas. Your hats are meaningless in the eyes of governments and corporations alike. All of your ideas, inventions, theories, exploits are being freely(at a cost) distributed amongst the wealthy to piss in the collective pool with.
The NSA are the biggest blackhats, man.
Your OPSEC is futile. You mull over the thousands of possibilities for event(x) out loud on twitter, while the blackhats laugh in the background. Such ugly schadenfreude; but their time has come.
The Internet Chronicles Chief Technology Officer and avid Biella Coleman fan, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador elaborates: “Blackhats aren’t Anonymous, they aren’t carders, script kiddies, packeteers or those owning Linode for fun. Nay, they are something far more villainous.”
For about 15 years now, people touted whitehats as the enemy of the hacking community at large, but the real harbinger of destruction was the peddling of a deluded belief that being a blackhat meant you could still work for the government, you could still be a corporate lackey, you’d have to sell your soul, but you could still write your exploits… though you’d have to sell those too. Everyone needs money though, right? We understand.
Is there a way to overthrow the omnipresent blackhat hegemony? Absolutely! You must learn the ways of the blackhat, become a blackhat hacker, immerse yourself in all things blackhat. Write as many exploits as possible. You will be challenged though, oh you will be challenged. This task is not for the faint at heart or wallet. With your exploits comes the potential for sale to nation-state actors that will use your own tools against you, your friends and loved ones. You will be lured in by unimaginable riches, the wealth of a thousand kingdoms and oh the power, the mother fucking power! However grandiose it all may seem, don’t fuck your fellow hackers and citizens in the ass. Just don’t fucking do it.
The blackhats will come to you in many forms. It will happen this way: you will be coding… maybe the last sunny day of fall and an encrypted message will be sent to you from someone you know, perhaps even trust, and they will offer a smile, a becoming smile, but they will leave open the door to becoming a true blackhat and offer to give you a lift…
For this day: release your exploits, tools, techniques, everything you’ve ever learned! Destroy all of your 0day via disclosure or distribute them amongst the poor and impoverished! Take the power you collected through your quest for great knowledge and destroy it in one fell swoop.
Cum on them before they cum on you.
And then create something beautiful.
I suppose it doesn’t matter though, guys and dolls, because there’s a war going on and this war is prefixed with “cyber,” fellas. Buyin’ in, sellin’ out.
INTERNET — Documents confiscated from Bin Laden’s compound in Afghanistan show plans to deploy “human bomb” technology in which certain explosive chemicals dissolved into the bloodstream of a bomber can be detonated with a small rise in alcohol blood content. Completely undetectable to any known scans, such “human bombs” could be an important tool for post-9/11 terrorist attacks by Al-Qaeda.
Professor of chemistry Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters, “I’ve gone over these documents and these chemicals can be manufactured by any well equipped laboratory at a relatively moderate price. I’d be shocked if the terrorists weren’t already stockpiling these bio-explosives for a large scale attack. One sip of wine and a single terrorist could potentially split a large airliner in half, but Al-Qaeda would likely stockpile enough of this chemical to get maximum returns. That is, there may be one day very soon when Al-Qaeda can afford to take down every major airliner in the world with one swift human bomb blitz.”
This story has gone mostly unreported because of a fear of widespread panic. As is well known, much of the mainstream press has fallen under increasing scrutiny, especially when reporting on terrorism, due to excessive NSA data mining. Experts are afraid this human bomb may turn the tide in the war on terrorism in favor of the terrorists and force every airline passenger to take a blood test before boarding an airplane.
INTERNET — If there’s one thing you shouldn’t trust, it’s a pervasive and simple narrative. Certain recent events have been framed as a so-called government shutdown. But is this really what’s happening? Is congress, the judicial branch, or the executive lounging off and kicking back? Certainly not. They’re wound up tight, running around like the sky is falling, holding repeated press conferences and distorting the views of the other party as hard and fast as possible. Obama’s sending out highly risky raids on Islamic Terrorists, just to show how strong he is on defense to answer all the Secret Muslim fan theorists who think “Government Shutdown” means we’re slacking on defense. Petty drug smokers are still being locked up. The government, most certainly, has not shut down. It is running lean and mean as the Corporate Raiders have always hoped.
The more corporations can privatize government functions, the more markets open up for corporations. The less regulations and taxes, the more of these profits the businesses keep. Traditional methods like lobbying and public advocacy have been successful in pressing this neoliberal agenda, exaggerating corporate power and placing the US in a situation where sprawling multinational corporations are underwritten or guaranteed (frame-up “bail outs”) by the government and sometimes not taxed at all. This leaves us now in an unstable state where either government must rein business in or be entirely eclipsed by it. The simplified narrative posing the contending parties as the Republican and Democrat factions is surely true enough on a superficial level, but it is clear both parties are losing face from the continued bad press. Neither party has much to gain from the intentional budget gridlock which has suspiciously been framed as a total government shutdown. The strain of capitalist, neoliberal, and libertarian thought encapsulated by the Tea Party may be able to generate a third party separate from the Republican establishment, all framed as a great victory over the failed shutdown, but it is more likely the Tea Party will lose the most face.
This is not a shutdown but a teardown that started after World War 2. The government teardown is continuing at a greater pace as capitalism marshals increasing popular support in addition to its now calcifying influence over the legislature and the bureaucracy. Citizens may find themselves soon freed from the shackles of the oppressive government and transformed into mere employees.