INTERNET — In a shocking new twist that ties together three popular narratives, NSA leaker Edward Snowden was on board Malaysian Air Flight 370 when it fell off the radar. Evasive maneuvers brought the flight over much of Asia at the dangerously low height of 2,000 feet in order to avoid radar and deliver world-shattering new leaks to the people of Crimea.
WikiLeaks mercenaries have locked down the area around Flight 370, which landed at Simferopol early Tuesday morning. The “Russian Blackwater” in control of the airport have issued an ultimatum, threatening to kill the WikiLeaks mercenaries if they do not surrender within the next 4 hours.
Snowden, speaking on a livestream to the people of the world, declared, “Both Russia and the US have their fingers on the nuclear trigger. I know this because I hacked both of them yesterday, using my connections inside the Russian version of Facebook and my secret backdoors still installed at the NSA. Thanks to the heroic actions of our volunteer pilots and WikiLeaks staff, I have brought Crimeans irrefutable proof that reporting on Crimea has been heavily manipulated by Russian news media psyops in order to spark a nuclear war — the last hope for Putin’s crumbling dictatorship.”
The pair of slides from both Russian and American nuclear power point presentations released by Snowden have experts alarmed that the whistleblower may be correct. Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, geopolitical analyst, said “Immediate de-escalation of war through further leaks is the only way to save the world. Hopefully brave leakers in both hemispheres will come forward with further truths which will save us all from a grim nuclear winter.”