Does Roanoke have to have a Bleak Future?

By 2060, computer models show Blacksburg larger than Roanoke. Staunton will likely surpass Roanoke’s size by 2070. The stagnation in Roanoke’s growth will leave it nestled right between the “Charlanta” drag and the triangular shaped urban sprawl over the midwest and the northeast. Roanoke’s verdant areas will be a yearly tourist hellscape.

Roanoke . . .

Hipster Islamists plant White Flags on Brooklyn Bridge

Art Jihad, underground Brooklyn hipster Islamists, takes credit for raising the white flag over Brooklyn Bridge

INTERNET — A Hipster Islamist “art terror” cell in Brooklyn took credit on Wednesday for raising bleached American flags over the Brooklyn Bridge. Art Jihad issued a statement saying, “The Caliphate [ISIS] is the only government with . . .

The Poor are Satan's Army

Satan’s Army cannot pass through the pearly gates and into suburban heaven

“I’ve seen a lot of things in my life, but most of all I’ve seen short segments on television by fair and balanced news networks that have no vested political interests backing their reporting. I watch them every day, and because . . .

Snowden says "Don't drink Pepsi"

Pepsi, Snowden, MH17 and the sanctions that will soon take away many Russian’s favorite drink

INTERNET — Friday, Edward Snowden unveiled that Pepsi executives bribed NSA overseers for information from several discount shopping card programs and facebook emotional manipulation experiments in order to convert Coke drinkers to Pepsi products. Snowden said, “This is . . .

Chronicle Editor Caught With Pants Down

Hatesec’s male gaze once reportedly ruptured a young girl’s hymen

ASPEN, Colo. – The 9-1-1 call came shortly after five AM.

A pleading voice whimpered into the line, “He’s got his pants down… he’s got a bottle of lotion… he’s… he’s… Hatesec?”

The woman on the other end . . .

Restraint! Israel Razes Gaza Death Camp

Angstrom H. Truedaberg, the Chronicle’s resident schlemiel, said, “These folks are expressing their right to exist. Many-a-Mensch took to the streets on this July 4th. I’m proud to be a part of such a peaceful, compassionate movement like Liberal Zionism.” . . .

"Anti-rape Activist" accused of Rape

Cruisin by the River N you know I’m straight clownin On you fuckin bitches And on you fuckin hoes Step in the club And you know I’m chose

INTERNET — Deric Lostutter, also known as KYAnonymous (KY refers to Kentucky, Lostutter’s “Anonymous” home state), starred as hero of a “Strange Saga” featured in Rolling . . .

We come bearing gifts!

“We come bearing gifts!” the female announced, holding up a gift basket with a smile. “Well, hello!” replied the aide, taking the flowers and displaying them on her desk. “Please, come on in!” The group strode by as my reporter continued to wait. They disappeared into their mutual representative’s office and closed the door. . . .