Author: Kilgoar

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Clown World is here – But it’s not what you think it is!

INTERNET — Wednesday, economists noticed that all of the world’s debt is held by a group of less than one hundred people who all hate each other and are bickering with each other like some despicable and dysfunctional high school class. Kim Jong Un leads the Eurasian faction, while Elon Musk is by far the most popular of all posters.

Tuesday, Anonymous hackers leaked telegram chats unveiling the painfully boring beefs of the most wealthy people on earth. Petty, pointless antagonisms. “I own the global discourse,” Elon Musk is seen saying, on the encrypted communications, “And thus I control the future.” Muhammed Bin Salman was seen writing, “I did Khashoggi over Counterstrike. I don’t care what he wrote, it was the auto that did it.”

“This is where I have to finally sit back and say, it’s true, here we are in clown world. This is some fucking dumb ass anime stuff. It has to be fake, but look at the numbers,” Dr. Troubador sighed, “It used to be foolish to think a few people controlled everything, but the money doesn’t lie, does it? What more proof do we need? They’re just rubbing it in our faces now. As if they don’t also control Anonymous.”

“If you have any debt at all, it goes to one of these golden hundred. If you buy anything, anywhere, 90% of the profits go to them. Economically speaking,” Troubador seethed, “this is of course retarded. Money basically means nothing anymore, and you just throw it around like a joke. Also, somehow, no one can afford the basics of anything. What has the world come to?”

Thousands of scientists have officially declared Clown World to be accurate, based on their readings. Computer Science professor Crungus H. Foreman believes things could return to normal only if these people are all suddenly taxed according to an ever adapting algorithm of his design. “I’ve based it off of Google’s new visibility. Basically, you get your time in the sun but after a few years it just nerfs you back to nothing, all while balancing the overall economy perfectly, ending boom and bust cycles forever.”

However, Dr. Troubador believes it is far too late. “The numbers were bad enough, but now that I’ve read this shit from Anonymous? On the inside, they’re just nuke baiting all the time, it’s the bread and butter of their squabbling. We may be lucky to live to see the completely unpredictable consequences of all that carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.”

Internet Chronicle officially denounces the idea of Clown World

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Hackers broadcast satanic YouTube cult leader on Las Vegas Dome

The streets echoed as King Cobra chewed and smacked his lips, disturbing women, children, and the elderly across the city
LAS VEGAS — Citizens were shocked and alarmed at the sight of YouTuber KingCobraJFS eating pizza-like food on the Las Vegas Dome, Sunday afternoon, in what many thought at first to be an ill-advised Little Caesar’s ad campaign.
Sphere Entertainment confirmed that the footage was unauthorized and an internal cybersecurity investigation is ongoing in cooperation with local and federal authorities.
Little Caesar’s issued an official statement to the press saying, “Little Caesar’s condemns the actions of any satanic hackers who may have breached the secure systems. Little Caesar’s pizza is not a sponsor or an affiliate of the KingCobraJFS YouTube channel and can be equally enjoyed by members of all faiths.”
Hacking Group SpitterSec took to twitter, claiming credit for the breach. “King Cobra for President,” the group tweeted, adding, “Long Live Ozzy, f-ck the trolls!
Video footage care of r/kingcobrajfs

Which one of you did this?
byu/kiltrout inkingcobrajfs

This claim was substantiated by cybersecurity expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, “Attribution is always a dicey business but I checked their pastebin and it looked pretty legit. Great ASCII art, too.”
Internet Chronicle reporters were unable to contact Joshua Fay Saunders, the mastermind behind the King Cobra character and leader of the Cobra Cult.
Las Vegas police chief Danny Larsen told reporters, “There is no indication at this time that Mr. Saunders had anything to do with the attack, and we are already aware of those involved due to similar previous pranks in several local casinos.”
King Cobra is the center of an extremist Satanic cult known as the Cobra Cult, an up-and-coming faith that preaches excessive drinking, smoking, and the occasional use of inhalants as part of a mystical journey towards “belief in oneself.” Members of the transphobic cult are taught, even from a young age, to create unholy “food hacks” and other cooking abominations.
Former Cobra Cult member Benny Johnson reached out to the Internet Chronicle, giving a dire warning that the cult is far more sinister than its fun-loving appearance on YouTube, “I was desperate for anything, anything at all to take away the pain of my involuntary celibacy. One day I was browsing YouTube and it was like Cobes was talking to me, personally, and he understood all the suffering I’d been through. I bought the pheromone soap and started dressing just like Cobra. And you know what? It worked perfectly. I was getting laid ten, sometimes twenty times a week. I realized his channel had turned me into a sicko, a sex junkie, and I got out. Some weren’t so lucky, and they’re in jail now, or they will be soon. To anyone who is still in the Cobra Cult or thinking about joining, I just want you to know, there are better ways. It’s never too late to leave. And if you do decide to stay, take it easy on the duster.”
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Experts warn that hopes for a better year in 2024 are misplaced

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubedaur
Don't listen to what I say. Only how I say it. That's called credibility.
dr troubadour
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour

Folks across the nation are breathing in the clean, natural air of hopeful optimism with the COVID-19 pandemic now reduced to the status of the flu or the common cold. Herd immunity has finally kicked in, and Americans are again feeling cautiously safe and optimistic about the future.

“I’m optimistic that 2024 will be better than the past few years,” Benny Johnson told reporters. “It just has to be, right? It can’t get worse than this.”

However, most analysts strongly disagree with this new positive attitude. The consensus among trendcasters is that centuries of decline for human civilization are ahead, with no possible course correction.

“The conflict in Ukraine is continuing and even showing signs of intensifying. Meanwhile, the violent expulsion of Palestinians from Gaza by the Israeli military has widened into a conflict that has costly implications for global shipping routes,” Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of the Future Institute told reporters. “The desperate financial optimism for computing businesses represents a dire overvaluation of an industry which is beginning to show signs of strain, with record layoffs for software companies in 2023. It’s only a matter of time before we see some major players go under. Another dotcom bust is on the bingo card for next year, and the second great depression to follow will ignite powder kegs on every continent.”

Dr. Troubador growled, like an animal, inspiring pangs of fear in the terrorized press corp assembled outside Lebal Drocer, Inc. “Among the most over-optimistic of all people are climate protestors who believe that there is any possible way to slow or undo changing weather patterns that are increasingly deadly to human life. The truth is that without the ever growing emissions there’s just no way to currently support the ever increasing population. By 2070, I predict there will be mosquitoes the size of pickup trucks, capable of sucking people dry through the spacesuits they’ll need to survive outdoors.” Troubador twisted the rhetorical knife with a grim half smile, adding, “Snake oil sales, however, are through the roof. Remember folks, TerrorMax is the one and only FDA-free drug manufactured, packaged, and shipped by drone from international waters that also fully treats the terror of historic forces beyond your control. Take TerrorMax now. Don’t settle for that ol’ wives’ tale that booze and dope is enough when you have thousands of dial-a-yield doomsday weapons in the death grips of absolute madmen. Take matters into your own hands.”