INTERNET — President Donald Trump, facing a legal mire as subpoenas and indictments pile on his administration, requested asylum this afternoon in a personal call to King Salman of Saudi Arabia. Continue reading “Donald Trump to seek asylum in Saudi Arabia”
Within its Red, White, and Blue packaging the bone-melting acid of Dew SA rips into your kidneys while torturing your taste buds with memories of watered down cough syrup, the flavor of force-fed childhood trauma. Continue reading “Purchase a bottle of Dew SA today!”
INTERNET — Fans around the world mourn the death of President Trump, host of the Apprentice, who was covertly assassinated by the deep state at the age of 70.
Trump was killed and replaced with a computer generated fake sometime Wednesday afternoon, according to reports leaked from insiders at the CIA. Shortly after, the fake representation of Donald Trump, uncharacteristically swayed by “Fake News” coverage of a chemical attack on children in Syria, declared war and fired sixty missiles, destroying a Syrian air force base. Earlier, the Trump simulation fired chief White House adviser, Stephen Bannon.
Several minutes before the air strike, ISIS forces allied with the Deep State surged forward in a coordinated attack, capturing new territory in Syria for the first time in months.
Technical Analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “When Disney has the technology to simulate dead actors perfectly, don’t you think the Deep State has something a little bit better than that?”
Infowars contributor Paul Joseph Watson told listeners, “It’s possible the deep state even 3d-printed a Trump replica to fool friends and family. But now the globalists will use this simulation puppet to draw the world into an apocalyptic war that will finally wipe humanity off the map. It’s possible they even kept Trump alive to torture and molest in the basement at Comet Pizza.”
Wikileaks founder Julian Assange was similarly replaced by CGI some time last year.
In a complete rage, America’s most trusted news anchor Alex Jones roared at his audience, “Back before CGI, the globalists would simply kill their enemies, like JFK, but now they’re able to utilize them, taking their images like puppets, controlling the very people who are most dangerous to them. That’s how they control the people. That’s how they control you. You’ll see a lot of Trump supporters going along with the globalists, and there’s nothing we can do. We tried folks, but we lost. Even though they know the gas attacks are all Fake News, they’ll still trust the President. Humanity has lost.”
The view from secretive dictator and leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-Un’s residence in the pinnacle suite of the Ryugyong Hotel reveals every inch of Pyongyang in a full 360 degree panorama. Even the building below is totally revealed, so no American thrill-seekers will disgrace his honor by scaling his tower, like some capitalist Rat, ever again. They’re all spies, all of the Americans. Especially the journalists. Un inserts a tape into his boombox.
“The efforts towards worldwide military domination by the United States Government propaganda and weaponry distribution projects have compromised many governments of the world most especially since the birth of the atomic age. Trump has to tell everyone the bomb is cocked again and aimed right at ISIS. But he was installed by Russia, just as the first beginnings of Putin’s regime were installed by Americans. But in the end, the nuclear bombs are installing these governments. They’re getting worse, every day and they’re not going to get better until the global nuclear HATE network is destroyed. It isn’t sentient, yet, but even now, the madmen are its tool. It is more powerful than they are, even though seemingly inert. Its mere potential, the threat in every mind robs us of innocence. World War 2 was fought in mere anticipation of the possibility of something like a nuclear weapon, and so it produced it! But now, Now…”
Inside of the network of nuclear targeting computers connected by an enemy-monitoring fiber optic lines with less than 10 ping, Kim Jong Un is playing Counter-Strike: Global Offensive with ISIS gamertage [JUCHE]Un, avatar Jim Lahey with a bottle. Ms. Un tops off his glass of Hennessy, but it is as if he doesn’t notice. “Get me a Monster!” The energy drink is fresh as hell, with crushed amphetamines added surreptitiously by his doctor so that he can rule with the high energy hitler had, after an order given originally by his father, Kim Jong-Il.
He’s been listening to Dr. Troubador’s bestselling self-help audiobook, Super Strength for the Nuclear Dawn. Another recommendation of Kim Jong-Il. “We can’t get our shit together. Get Brexited, Scotland. The bombs are all around us and some people can’t wait, they go ISIS! They were going ISIS before there was an ISIS. They hope to get the business going at a more civil level, because the light’s a bit too bright and the dust’s a bit too dark. It’s so damn bright it’ll burn your skin off, and if that don’t get ya, the clouds and computers will! When you put your data in the clouds, it’s them clouds from Terminator, from the Matrix. Don’t you get that?”
He’s God Damn Right, Un thinks. Everyone will be a pile of ash if they don’t do what God says. But Un’s the God right now. The God of Counter-Strike. ISIS is on the Discord sayin’, “ns m8 when you gonna wholesale price the big one.”
Un’s all, “Get a real sub and we’ll talk. Can’t wholesale them just yet and without ’em the nuke is useless. Give it time.”
“nepotism in ur dictatorship of the proletariat. sweetest gaming computer of anyone on earth and you aren’t even topfragging,” the ISIS guy shuts Un down. “fake dictator”
“Learn to click your mouse a little better.” Un headshots ISIS, igniting a firestorm of teamkilling and maniacal cartoon villain laughter on all sides.
INTERNET — Health insurance premiums across the nation skyrocketed over 9000% Saturday, as the Trump White House put pressure on insurance executives to work together to raise prices. President Trump himself invited the heads of major insurers Kaiser, UnitedHealth, Anthem, Aetna, Cigna, and HCSC to the golf course at his Mar-A-Lago resort, where the world’s biggest deals are made over eighteen grueling holes in the Florida sun. Trump told reporters, “Obamacare’s already exploding, people. I hate to say it, but I told you so.”
A leaker known only as PanchoVilla420 tweeted conversations overheard while working in the Mar-A-Lago cafe. Trump reportedly told the table of grinning insurance CEOs, “This is a major win for us. Tired of winning yet? We’re going to make billions, people. It’s going to be great. And we can just say this is what Obama wanted, so that’s what everyone’s going to get. It’s his plan, our money. The poor people, they’re going to die out or take on lifetime debt while the rich thrive, just as nature intended.”
Historian Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of the Lebal Drocer institute suggested that the explosion of Obamacare marks the first truly major tectonic shift of power from national governments to corporations, a moment which may come to characterize a new dominant world order. “This is like when Philip the Fair captured and dismantled the papacy as a political entity. Major, major shift in power. By making basic healthcare entail a lifetime of debt, corporations around the world will be able to create a newer more potent form of serfdom and use this power to control and discipline billions. They’ll tell you what to eat, force you to exercise, imprison you for smoking, and punish you for extreme sports because you put your faith in the free market rather than democracy. The victors are already drawing their first drafts of history, where blame will be thrown on democratic socialist institutions, as represented by the great Satan Obama and the bloodthirsty abortionists, further strengthening the iron grip of capital on the culture and the people of the future.”
A Marimba and a Ukulele arpeggiate in two interwoven sinusoidal waves, conjoining along four possible harmonies designed to activate strands of RNA with resonances only possible at LebalDrocer’s patented sampling rates which top out at 10 petaHertz, altering your behavior patterns permanently and at the same time lulling your verbal centers into a highly suggestive state. “Some say Terrormax is just short-term nutrition. It’s got nothing but starches and salt! These fake news internet sockpuppets and their fake Korean missiles, so predictable. So Stupid! Fuck you! You’re fucking worthless. You don’t deserve Terrormax.”
Gripping so hard on the tablet that LEDs short under your thumbs, teeth gritted and your face an inch from the light, your eyes roll back under the skull at the power. “You’ll be the next HITLER! Right here in your hand, the ALEPH foretold of in myth, a window to the world, with you, God HIMSELF over every grain of sand. Be as CRUEL and HORRIBLE as you want. Yes, and take your Terrormax. It was invented by the military, by NASA, and now it’s yours. EVERYTHING IS YOURS WITH TERRORMAX, FOR THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF A NEW UNIVERSE — AND IT’S YOURS.“
Wikileaks unveiled a hacked transcript of Kellyanne Conway’s secretive interview with CNN portraying President Trump rampaging through the white house in what she called “pussy grabbing cocaine mania.” Conway’s bombshell interview with Wolf Blitzer is set to air next week.
The alleged interview transcripts show a Conway who was sexually terrorized by the president, “He came up to me, scowled, and grabbed my pussy after my botched interview the other day. ‘This here’s the only reason you’re not fired.’ His exact words. ‘Anything you say, I can say it’s fake and no one will ever believe you.'”
White House spokesperson Kellyanne Conway’s interview with CNN comes after the outlet was called “fake news” by President Trump. However, even most skeptical republicans see Wikileaks as a reputable source. Internet Chronicle has not been able to corroborate any facts with secret service or white house personnel, and Conway has made no public statements about the alleged groping.
“He grabs at least a hundred pussies a day. Every chance he gets and yes, especially his own daughter and wife. Just the other day I told the President that I can’t explain to the press why he won’t lock Hillary up. Then I made a mistake in sharing my opinion that the American people had mandated it, and that he wasn’t draining the swamp. I mean, how do I lie about all these things at once? It’s hard and I was about to cry. Then he took this big line of coke right off of the oval office desk and grabbed me in the pussy, bruising it badly. He shouted ‘THIS is what the American People mandated!’ so loud that the Secret Service rushed into the room with guns out. They grabbed me and locked me in the bathroom for three hours until the president’s rampage came to an end.”
Julian Assange of Wikileaks appeared on the Sean Hannity radio show and spoke with the deliberate, natural voice of General Tarkin in Rogue One, “We’ve never published anything wrong in our whole career. I think the people of the world want to know the truth. Does that mean what Kellyanne Conway says is totally true? I don’t believe so.”
Assange is currently in the process of handing himself over to US authorities, although an increasing number of skeptics believe he has been covertly murdered and replaced by an artificial simulacrum controlled by CIA propagandists. A majority of poll respondents told Internet Chronicle that Assange’s sudden change in behavior is “totally fishy.” Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador logged onto CNN and posted a comment out of his ass that said, “Assange is enticed by the new pussy grabbing opportunities available in Trump’s dank white house,” and the pyschiatric committees of America all agreed this is some sick fuckin shit.
Senator Al Franken has called a motion for immediate impeachment of President Trump, but Republicans want to delay until the interview airs on CNN. Arnold Swarzenegger, whose recent beef with President Trump has dominated headlines, celebrated this decision, tweeting, “One more week and I’ll be Back.” Trump responded with a misspelled tweet that read “Your Fired.” Dr. Troubador, whose twitter password was lost long ago in a stoned daze, didn’t tweet anything at all.
INTERNET — The Trump White House, already struggling under multiple scandals and unprecedented low approval ratings, is desperate for any distraction. Most of the new administration, including Trump himself, are believers that 9/11 was an inside job, and have begun discussions on how to repeat this Bush-era success on an even larger scale. Leakers tell Internet Chronicle that discussions have focused on whether to use a “dirty bomb” or “two or three megatons” on Trump’s least favorite city, Chicago. Trump has even brought in expert truther, Alex Jones, to plan the specifics of the attack for maximum psychological impact.
“It’s a tall order to top 9/11,” Jones reportedly said, “And I don’t think a dirty bomb is going to do it. It’s got to be full-on nuclear or forget about it.”
Military advisers are struggling to appease Trump but believe there’s no way to pull off a nuclear false flag. General Petraeus told Trump, “Our weapons leave unmistakable traces, and any nuclear scientist can detect where the material was mined and produced by simple tests of the fallout.”
Jones roared at the generals, “We KNOW about the thermite, we KNOW about the missile at the pentagon. We CONTROL the news.”
General Petraeus suggested, “We have a disarmament program and exchange nuclear materials with Russia. This would be the easiest way to make it look as if terrorists are behind the nuking.”
This suggestion enraged Trump who stood up and began to strategize, “If we can land Seal Team Six and grab Obama– I mean Osama–out of Pakistan, can’t we just go in there and grab a bonafide Islamic nuke? I get no respect, no respect.” The group of generals began to laugh at this witty one liner, delivered in Trump’s typical bombastic, outrageous frat boy stand up style. However, the mirth turned to stunned silence as Trump turned on his evil grin and sat quietly in his chair, pointing at each of the generals and delivering his most famous catchphrase. “You’re fired, and you’re fired, and you’re fired,” purging the military of its most competent leaders.
General Alex Jones was last spotted hyping up Seal Team Six, shouting at them, “I envy you WARRIORS! YOU have a chance to give your life for something bigger than 9/11, the final fight that will bring freedom to every individual on earth. Go in there and GET THAT ISLAMIC BOMB.”
INTERNET — As President Donald Trump was sworn in at the Lincoln memorial, Benjamin Price was one of the few photographers not in attendance. A photo of what he called, “a tremendous, dark, winged creature” landing on top of the White House has gone viral, with Roseanne calling it ‘the mothman’ in a tweetstorm heralding the very end.
The mothman was last spotted in 1967, landing on the Silver Bridge before it collapsed, killing 46 people.
While many say that the viral “Mothman” photo is only a confused heron, most on social media agree this is a prophecy of doom not only for the president, but for the entire nation. “When Mothman lands on the White House that means it’s the end, and it ain’t just the end for him. This is for all of America, and it’s coming sooner rather than later,” said former Trump supporter and famous West Virginian Jesco White. “We’s all already dead because we’ve been fooled by the devil.”
Reportedly, mothman’s landing took place at the exact moment Trump officially became president. Famous columnist and novelist Laurie Penny tweeted that she began her period “with a vengeance,” at this moment as well, perhaps affected by the gaze of the mothman.
Further sightings of the mothman have been reported as the evil creature shifts through the haze of teargas making his way back to the safe harbors of the Appalachians.
“I think he don’t like what we’ve done to these mountains,” White said. “He’s just letting us know he’s got something real bad in store for us.”
INTERNET– Donald Trump’s spokesperson Kellyanne Conway unveiled a “huge” new plan for a series of walls that will not only secure the Mexican border, but every single state border as well.
“With states like Colorado and California providing sanctuary cities for illegals and openly trafficking in illegal drugs, it’s not enough to build just one small wall,” Kellyanne Conway told reporters on CNN. “We’ve been looking at a more ambitious program to build walls on state borders, too. In some places we’re even looking at walls around counties, towns, or cities.”
Political scientist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters, “Trump and his sons are going to cash in majorly on what promises to be the biggest building program of all time. They’re going to build a grid of walls across the entire nation, the equivalent of 10,000 Great Walls of China. By restricting the movement of citizens in this way, Trump will be able to effectively sanction local governments. By the time they’re done outlining every county, they’ll probably keep building and building. Walls around neighborhoods, walls around homes, walls inside of homes dividing up families.”
Trump’s spokesperson also hinted to reporters at CNN on future plans for an “Atlantic Wall” that will line the coasts and prevent any possibility of invasion or illegal migration through the ocean.