GAIA, INTERNET — Sometimes I go barefoot. I wear a crimson lion mask and deal wrathful protection with a katana.
Before me is oceanic weeb, white noise chatter gathered around a fountain. This is Towns, a graphical chat in Gaia Online. It is IRC with the added benefit of chibi avatars. Gleeful neon pixies dance . . .
INTERNET — Taryn Fivek is dressed in all black, backed by Marxist guru Molly Klein AKA RedKahina, who has some kind of Chinese hat and togas loosely knotted around her body. She chews on one and fiddles with it, staring at her internet device. Slavoj Zizek is sitting on the stage, sweating . . .
“Tall pale king man wears a dirt costume, my precioussss. Mean, tricksy. Wantses my precioussss but the Baggins has it! Thief! Liar!”
Aragorn struck Sméagol with the back of his hand and tightened the ropes cruelly.
With a screech, Gollum collapsed and wept. “It’s worse to poor Sméagol than Sauron. Gollum, gollum, gollum.”
. . .
Charlie Hebdo maniacs are busy investigating their own assholes as they’ve advised all terrorists to do before car bombings.
INTERNET — We’ve always loved Charlie Hebdo. But now we hate them. They have taken things exactly one half-comprehending social media outrage explosion too far. That’s why Lebal Drocer, Inc. is dropping out of financing . . .
OH BLEAK, RAINBOW-TINTED POST-APOCALYPTIC IMAGE-DRENCHED MILLENNIALS OF THE WORLD WIDE INTERWEB Whether ye brand be Bro, Redneck, Hip Hopper, Pill Popper, Punk, Nerd, Hippie, Goth, Fur, Gamer
You are WORTHLESS, and your tuna munching at that important meeting is a disaster for everyone around you!
You’re probably sitting there underemployed, overworked, without benefits, crushed by . . .
Bernie supporters pledge to switch over to Trump if Hillary wins
INTERNET — Despite lies peddled by the Hillary-controlled media, Bernie Sanders still has a very likely chance of winning the primary despite facing nearly impossible odds. However, a recent poll by Quinnipiac showed that 55% of Bernie voters would shift their votes to . . .
Campaign staffers found Trump dead in his bed Sunday morning
OHIO — Campaign assistants found Donald Trump dead in his hotel room Sunday morning with a pillow over his head. The assistants found his body after the bombastic presidential hopeful failed to appear for breakfast.
Foul play was ruled out of Trump’s death by . . .
Two true representatives to save the Republic – Bernie Hillary 2016
INTERNET — Bernie Sanders dropped out of the race when it became clear that his heavy losses on Super Tuesday spelled an end to any chance at the presidency.
Hillary immediately announced Bernie as her running mate and dug her heels into an . . .
Puppy Monkey Baby spoke with reporters, using the darknet Tor
THE HIGH TOWER — Fiends at Mountain Dew’s genetic testing labs cooked up a “fully sapient” hybrid puppy, monkey, homo sapiens freak for their yearly tele-orgy comedy show. Sources in the darknet formerly aligned with Alex Jones — before he turned into a fearmongering . . .
The Zika Virus is the first strike in a global genetic enslavement regime
INTERNET — Snowden came forward Sunday with shocking details of a plan by the US Navy to infect mothers in enemy countries with a modified virus that creates pinheaded subhuman babies for future enslavement.
Reporters Frank Mason and Ralph Haetsch . . .