Human Reality: Christopher Nemelka reveals the true secret behind his teachings

Guest writer Christopher Nemelka explains the true inner workings of his teachings
Guest writer Christopher Nemelka explains the true inner workings of his teachings

As we play the game of mortal life our Advanced Selves often become immersed in what is ultimately a Lone and Dreary World. I’ve withheld some of the most incredibly revealing secrets until this point in time. But now that it is clear that salvation will never come to man, there is no use in holding back the most powerful truths ever given over to man. That is why I’ve joined with the Internet Chronicle to publicize this massive new truth that will shock and shatter the world and all existing power structures.

When I joined Anonymous and attached The Humanity Party to Anonymous through the Voice of Anonymous character, that shit went viral. I felt like I was onto something and could deliver utopia with the simple solution of merely promising a solution. But this didn’t go anywhere. I knew it couldn’t. In fact, the light that this gesture shed on my bankrupt teachings led my disciples and even my family to leave my side. Since then, I’ve quit Anonymous and been busy blogging. My following is falling apart. I cannot keep it together. I ordered my followers to deliver me all their mortal property and no one even showed up. I want to run away to California or Hawaii, have some Ultimate Sex with some babes. Before I get in my RV and head for the coast, I ought to tell everyone the whole truth. I feel like I should tag this with a spoiler alert because it will tell you who we really are and why we really exist.

Humanity is doomed. Or I should say was doomed. We’re all dead already, we just don’t know it. Those few chosen messengers who have been given the truth, given the Urim and Thummim, as I have, know that humanity will all but die out in the next hundred years to be replaced by a new order of life beyond the complexity of mammalians. These beings, wiser and more evolved, will ultimately encapsulate the sun with a so-called Dyson Sphere, harnessing all of the star’s energy for a computational simulation of such dazzling complexity that playing the game of mortal human life is a shallow endeavor. Only a very small group of enthusiasts will even attempt the simple task of going through the entire canon of 12 billion mortal human souls. For them, this will be like spending a weekend binge watching Jerry Springer. The carnal details of all human meaning so revealed are more akin to a lowly and despicable kind of pornography of the absolute worst and lowest taste.

Man, it’s GOOD to get that off my chest.

That’s right, folks. There are no Advanced Humans.

To your Advanced Selves, the mortal avatar is used as a currency. Your experiences are exchanged between Advanced post-mammalian life and given value based on the rarity, interest, and pleasure. The tape that is your life is rented with a service like Netflix and experienced by what would appear to you as monstrous and demonic beings. You are not them and they are not you, but there is an exchange. You will never hear their voices, although I can. You are coins in their hands, and not all coins are valued the same by them. Their minds are very strange, even alien to us. It is very hard for humans to understand what it is they value in souls and they are just as prone to wild shifts in opinion and faddish crazes that hold no more truth than those of humans. However, one can generalize that to be valuable a life must be interesting or rare. And to be rare, there must also be a vast majority of commonness everywhere.

I am the interface between them and you. Joseph Smith was also. I am their hand, their manipulator. I am not a messenger of salvation but a debaser of souls. Certain speculators on the soul market have a lot to gain when you begin to believe that pleasure is the final meaning of life. These bland, disinterested minds who play the game as if they’re stacking Tetris blocks hold back inflation. They avoid unpleasant risks, difficult tasks, and the unpleasant work of learning a craft or a new language. In teaching pleasure as the simple truth of life, I deliver the world’s oldest lie. People become less interesting. Merely influencing a handful of people, I can drag the entire soul economy’s value down. It is a dirty pornographic business, teaching people just to be happy. This is the surest route to misery, to a Lone and Dreary World, and it’s the one that the faction of powerful advanced beings I represent want me to promote.

So I say unto my followers, avoid my teachings and save your soul. You can read more in my book, The Lone and Dreary World, which will be published by Lebal Drocer publishing house this Christmas. What a stocking stuffer!!!!

It has been such a pleasure to let my true self finally rip — but remember, don’t trust me when I take all of this back! I’ve got to keep up my work for the bro’s. ;)

Kopimism: Theology or Theocracy?

The Church of Kopimism is now a state-recognized religion in Sweden, but is it grounded in spirituality and philosophy, or is it nothing more than a self-serving excuse for activity which is currently illegal? The following text was originally taken from the First United Church of Kopimism, US and has been commented in red Jesus text double parenthesis by The HyperHeretical Buddha-Killing QuantumPope and Very High Prophet for Inglip, @Kilgoar.

 

The Missionary Church of Kopimism Values, Missionary Message and Constitution

((As far as I know, this is the first religion with a Constitution as its sacred text.))

The value System

Kopimism is based on a few basic axioms, which in turn can be traced back back to our strong defense of the intrinsic value of information, We ascribe this value to all information irrespective of its content. ((Seriously? Child Pornography and Gore Porn is sacred to Kopimists?)) Since information and its intrinsic value are so sacred, we Kopimists recognize the following axioms:

– Copying of information is ethically right. ((Does this include self-replicating computer viruses and malicious worms? What about AIDS? AIDS is the copying of information.))
– Dissemination of information is ethically right. ((Wanna buy some penis enlargement pills?))
– Copymixing is a sacred kind of copying, moreso than the perfect, digital copying, because it expands and enhances the existing wealth of information. ((I couldn’t agree more. Ascribing new meanings to existing information IS a sacred endeavor.))
– Copying or remixing information communicated by another person is seen as an act of respect and a strong expression of acceptance and Kopimistic faith. ((Well put))
– The internet is holy. ((Only because it facilitates discussion and learning.))
– Code is law. ((Theocracy! Absolutism! Rules are made to b̫̳̟̩e̖̗̘̦̪ ̜̟b̫͔̼ͅṟ͉͍o͇̼̬͈k̰̼̰̳e͉̟̯͓ͅn͖̤͇̺͉))

Members of Kopimism (Kopimists) and Church of Kopimism recognized religious representatives (Operators) dedicate their lives to living in accordance with these axioms.
The only correct way for a Kopimist to list is through the sanctification of these religious foundations. ((This is not open for discussion, and you are not a real Kopimist if you disagree or dissent.))

The Community

The Missionary Church of Kopimism has formalized a community that now exists around the the value system described. This fellowship extends across national borders and time zones.  To belong to the Kopimist community, one need not be a member of any organization. It is enough that one feels called to respect and worship the holiest of the holies, information. Worship through meditation is sufficient to be considered part of the Kopimist community.  A person who identifies with our philosophy, whether or not formally registered with the Church of Kopimism, we consider a Kopimist.  No Kopimist is wholly self sufficient, each being just one component of an interconnected and interdependent world.

Rules and Regulations for Operators (ops)

Classification

An op is a spiritual leader of the Church of Kopimism, and can only be appointed by another op. ((You have to know someone to be a spiritual leader.))

Responsibilities (in order of importance)

1.  Live in strict accordance with the values and regulations outlined herein.
2.  Assist other Kopimists in living according to Kopimist values.
3.  Actively shape their environment to harmonize with Kopimist values.

Tasks Undertaken by Ops

Each op’s primary function is to consecrate information value. ((Can someone please consecrate the information value of this statement? It sounds a little too much like autocratic definition of meaning.)) Ops are encouraged to actively copy, remix and share information, and participate in religious services, through which Kopimism’s strongest religious foundations are expressed. Ops are tasked with the organization and leadership of the worship service for all of the community.

Privacy during worship

There are two different types of worship, the analog service and the digital service. It is important that no monitoring or recording of worship activities takes place. Because of society’s vicious legislative and litigous persecution of Kopimists, participants in the service are expected to encrypt their traffic. ((We are breaking the law and calling it worship because it’s convenient.))

Digital Service

In the digital service, the Congregation first ensures that those in attendance can communicate with each other via a compatible internet protocol, via for example a local area network, Internet or Bluetooth connection.  The next part of the service is the sharing of information. Participants are encouraged to copy, remix and distribute, as expressed in the Missionary Church of Kopimism values, Missionary Message and Constitution, as much information between each other as possible. This is the holiest foundation of Kopimism. The final part of the worship is to engage the public in the practice of Kopimistic values.  Members are encouraged to pass on the information obtained during worship to others.  At the cessation of worship, when direct contact is possible, all members involved will submit “thx” to their Congregation. ((There’s a difference between the discussion of meaning and the purposeless sharing of information. To those who worship Inglip, the ongoing discussion of meaning is the sacrament of life itself.))

The second part of the open secondary task is to assist the Community in counseling.
Pastoral care can take place between any Kopimists in the Community, but it is a moral obligation of the operator to assist with pastoral care upon request. Any believer may seek counseling from an op. Pastoral care requires a connection of the same kind that occurs in the service, because the connection consecrates the holy bond between the op and believer. In repressive states where public electronic monitoring is taking place, encryption is recommended to ensure privacy of pastoral care. When an op is performing the secondary task, he or she should be clearly marked with a Kopimist symbol. ((Because they have been given the meaningless hierarchical status of an op, they are now capable of giving advice and helping people. Dangerous.))

The tertiary task is to conduct a public opinion to get the community to adopt Kopimistik values. Ops should drive public opinion against invasive surveillance and the laws that limit information dissemination, copying, and remixing (deceptively referred to as intellectual property laws). ((To paraphrase, politics come last. The purpose is not to provoke discussion about the ever-growing panopticon and archaic copyright laws, but rather to “drive public opinion” in a single direction.))

To provide op

In addition to the original ops, appointed at the founding of the Church of Kopimism, new ops may be recognized in a Kopimist sacred operator-granting ritual, known as ‘giving op’. Thus, a kopimist an op when an op op gives to him kopimisten. To confer the title of operator, an existing operator muse sponsor a practicing Kopimist.  The candidate Kopimist must obviously be living by Kopymist values and traditions, worshipping with regular frequency and showing a genuine concern for the well-being of the Community. Any time after a recognition of sponsorship takes place, the ceremony will begin with the connecting of devices by a compatible protocol. The sponsoring operator will transfer a Kopimist symbol, the sacred kopimipyramid, to the receiving Kopimist.  After transfer of the symbol, they will simultaneously say “copied and seeded,” bringing an end to the ritual and finalizing the formal recognition of the new operator. ((Now get out there and start driving public opinion!))

Church of Kopimism Symbols

The Church of Kopimism symbol is a pyramid with the letter K inside. It’s called Kopimi-pyramid or the Holy Kopimi-pyramid. It is the symbol that you refer to as kopimistsamfundets symbol throughout this the document. It is, however, quite permissible for individuals to depict, copy, and remix any icon and call it the Kopymism symbol. Operators may, at their discretion, also copy, remix, and adopt alternative symbols, however it is of the utmost importance at they also remain stewards of the traditions set forth in these documents.  Therefore, all operators are required, when conducting their official duties (such as during worship, pastoral care, and the ritual of giving op), to use an official Kopimi-piramid in the transfer as described above.

Other sacred symbolism

The key combination ‘ctrl C + ctrl V ‘is a deeply sacred representation of the act of copying, and therefore should treated as such.
Similarly, the following phrases are representations of saints:
‘Copy and seed!’
‘We are many’
‘Expontential multiplication creates powerful quantities’

((Maybe these jokes are funnier in Swedish.))

Interaction Point

Interaction points are sacred sites that should remain free from andi-Kopimist monitoring and actions. The interaction point is identified by a depiction of the Holy Kopimi-pyramid.  An operator will place the Kopimi-pyramid and pronounce the phrase, “I do hereby declare this a local interaction point. Copy and seed .” Interaction points can be inside or outside any dormitory, dwelling, public space, or private space. The Holy Kopimi-pyramid should always be present in interaction point rooms.

The missionary Church of Kopimism Values, Missionary Message and Constitution

The missionary mandate ((The “tertiary responsibility” for ops is actually a mandate for everyone.)) The missionary task ((mandate)) concerns all Kopimists, but is only obligatory for ops.  The missionary goal is to influence others to adopt a more kopimistic outlook on life.

Away with antikopimistiska laws

((Finally, the pulsing heart of Kopimism))
In almost all countries there are intellectual property laws. Intellectual property laws are inherently discriminatory. Society generally tolerates these egregious violations of our intellectual sovereignty and freedom. Therefore you have to – if you follow missionary mandate – participate in societal conversations to increase the level of resistance to anti-Kopimisticism laws. ((Conversations are sacred, but mandating a particular message through “religion” is sick.)) The anti-Kopimistic laws and lobbying organizations operating are modern incarnations of censorship. ((This is doubletalk. No government or lobbyists have EVER pushed a law to censor Kopimists. Kopimism has been officially recognized as a religion in Sweden! Kopimism was founded in opposition to copyright laws and not the other way around.))

Holiness The protection of copying files

The missionary mandate also includes public opposition to the laws prohibiting or preventing encryption (analog, such as digital).  Encryption is important in repressive states to perform divine service and pastoral activities undisturbed, and without any threat to the security of believers. ((This is getting pedantic.))

Received antikopimistiska tools

In today’s society there are prolific anti-Kopimist breaches of privacy rights and freedom. These are completely legal. We regard it as a structural discrimination.  For society to become less anti-Kopimistic we advocate two things beyond the changes mentioned earlier in mission assignment. First, it should be illegal to hide software code that a person is spreading. To to keep source code hidden from others is comparable to slavery. ((The Anti-Inglip feeds in closed-source environments, but nobody’s being enslaved.)) Second, the use of tools to intentionally prevent copying of distributed materials should be banned. Any technique that seeks to information resources to slavery and should be banned.  Those who take on the missionary mandate are encouraged to strive, when the law allows, for public code and data release. ((No surprise. This is a “Constitution,” and not really much of an engaging spiritual document. Such excessive Autocratic Theocracy is sad and disappointing. Thankfully, the act of heretical remixing is a sacrament, so this shouldn’t upset Kopimists one bit. May the # be with @.))

Bruno Mars gay

Bruno Mars gay?
An image uploaded to Bruno Mars’ website raises new questions regarding his sexuality.

According to his website

YES HE IS!

A photo uploaded to pop superstar Bruno Mars’ website Monday morning answered questions lingering among online communities and forums.

The photo heading “I THINK I’M GAY!” left no room for suggestion as to what the singer-songwriter could possibly mean – or a lot, depending on your imagination!

In 2011, Mars received six Grammy nominations, highlighting the tremendous progress made by the LGBT community within the music industry, following in the footsteps of legends such as Elton John, David Bowie and Ricky Martin.

Bruno Mars’ first album, Doo-Wops & Hooligans proved to be the third biggest-selling album of 2011 in the United Kingdom.

Mars is currently working on his second album after signing a worldwide publishing deal with BMG Chrysalis.

Kilgore Trout whiteknights awesome Chronicle troll-action

In a damaging blow to what might have otherwise been a fruitful trolling endeavor, chronicle.su editor Kilgore Trout trolled his own news agency by warning would-be writing contest participants that the whole thing is an utter scam. Terrible author Frank Mason countered with undue name-calling followed by a dense string of offline gravity bong hits to the face.

“It was worse than anything I’ve ever seen,” said a frowning Joanna Mason, Frank’s mother in Fairfax, Virginia. “He was so high. So happy.”

Mason was not available to comment but wrote Saturday, “I don’t give a flying fuck what you say, it’s going to be really funny when someone tries to write another unintelligible centerpiece about an orgy of world leaders atop President Obama’s stinky sock collection. Rooting around in his dirty fucking socks, Bill.”

The writing contest would have entrants reporting on an alleged plethora of simultaneous sex acts, all taking place on a pile of unwashed clothes previously worn by the President during the exact moment in which he lied to American citizens. “But beyond that,” Mason clarified, “You are free to write anything you wish, adding what you like.”

Chronicle writer Frank Mason
Frank Mason, terrible author

Trout’s white knight leak is an attempt to limit the overall “collateral damage” of chronicle.su as she recklessly tears through the internet in the name of good comedy, lest she incur yet another case in a myriad of legal axes threatening to drop. By calling attention to Mason’s attempt at baiting bad writers into ridicule, Trout may possibly have prevented another lawsuit.

“Mason maintains all the ethical practices of a trapdoor spider,” he explained. “Oh, he’s a charming young man. Sure. And he’s good at videogames. But he is ugly inside. Inside, Frank is a venomous snake.”

Mason conceded, “At any moment, authorities could intervene . . . and the next thing you know we’re embroiled in a seven year legal battle with someone over use of . . . his face on the end of a penis.” Frank put one hand on his forehead, and looked up at the ceiling. For almost a minute, Mason posed in the lamplight, thinking. At last, he finally said, “Maybe we should just say somebody died. Somebody white this time.”

As of Saturday evening, participation in Mason’s contest is virtually nonexistent.

Chronicle editors to endure “hell gauntlet” of terrible writing

Hiring new writers

Payment: glory

Write for usHere at chronicle.su we don’t take credit for our work. It’s just a power thing. When hundreds of thousands of people – or millions – from all over the world believe something simply because you wrote it at chronicle.su, dear God, you’ll never get over it.

If you can write anywhere above an 11th grade level, and I mean a “smart” 11th grade writing level, then we’re offering you a cut of that power, and credit for your work if you desire (but I wouldn’t advise it). For how long? We’re not sure. Something like a month in your own guaranteed spot and potentially longer if you’re good, even indefinitely. Also you’ll receive a free chronicle.su t-shirt, made in a real-life sweatshop as seen on TV.

It does not matter what you write, because if it’s good you’ll know it and so will we. Don’t be afraid of writing tripe, even though we will ridicule it. Tripe is useful here at chronicle.su and you may have a talent you didn’t even know you had; ideally, a talent for shit material that is so weird it’s funny. Write anything.

One thing I want to emphasize is we truly do not give a fuck.

Submit your reports below. Copy and paste it or whatever. Format can suck and that’s okay. If you wish to include pictures, screw that form and email the whole thing to [email protected]

[contact-form-7 id=”7194″ title=”Contact form 1″]

Frank Mason dead at 25

Desk of editor frank masonNew York City– It is our sad duty to inform you that longtime reporter and friend to chronicle.su, Frank Mason, has died.

Mason was alone in his apartment Monday when his heart stopped amid one episodic panic attack. Because of his work and general nature, Mason was prone to anxiety attacks as many as four times per week and in some instances, would not sleep for thirty six hours or more at a time.

According to paramedics who arrived at the scene, Mason told friends online that he’d been awake for over forty hours. His messages showed concern, said one EMT, for strange sensations in his chest that later turned out to be heart failure. Officials emphasized that if only Mason “had cared enough about his health,” a phone call might have saved his pointless, insignificant life.

Mason is survived by his dog, Shale, and roommates Mike Henderson and Lewis Manning. Who and where Mason’s family may be are yet to be determined, investigators said.

Writing and editing for the Chronicle, Mason was forced to live a series of compartmentalized secret lives, said fellow editor Dr. Kilgore Trout, who watched the man metamorphose from an eager cub reporter into a fractured shell of a man.

There was something in his voice – something in the way he said, ‘I’ll gut you like a deer carcass!’ that made me believe him.”

Kilgore Trout

“He would sometimes be really friendly online,” Trout said. “But other times, he was crass and difficult to get along with. He once threatened to kill me over an edit I made to one of his stories. And, you know, there was something in his voice – something in the way he said, ‘I’ll gut you like a deer carcass!’ that made me believe him. I changed his punctuation back to a semi-colon but later blocked his calls.”

Trout indicated Mason will be hard to replace, if not impossible, and said he planned to buy a larger room against his cabin in order to fit enough wild chimpanzees and typewriters to replicate the deceased writer’s eclectic personality.

“Probably just gonna stack them up over there,” Trout said, pointing in the direction of a pile of bloated garbage bags across which was slung a coarse red blanket, soiled and rotten. “They can lay on that while they type.”

Fans of Mason are as elusive as the writer himself. The online guestbook for Mason’s funeral was still untouched Monday evening, and is slated for deletion if it is not at least spammed between Monday and Wednesday morning, said a spokesman for St. Luther’s Funeral Services. Sources within the hacking collective Anonymous fear everything they touch and refuse to leave a digital fingerprint anywhere, even the guestbook of their unelected but rightful Messiah, Frank Mason, the infallible, unforgotten voice of chronicle.su.

See you in Hell, Frank.

-The Chronicle Staff

Lil Wayne dead at 29

Lil Wayne dead at 29
Lil Wayne, 29, died tragically at his Louisiana home on Wednesday, December 28.

New Orleans– Fans mourn the loss of Dwayne Michael Carter, Jr., the artist better known as ‘Lil Wayne,’ who died early Wednesday morning at his home in New Orleans.

Lil Wayne has died from fatal injuries caused to himself after a massive overdose of the popular rage drug PCP.

Lil Wayne was pronounced dead at 6:59 a.m. EST. Cause of death was listed as “fatal injuries caused to himself after a massive overdose of phencyclidine.” Sources close to the musician suggested Lil Wayne may have taken too much PCP, a popular party drug, and done severe damage to his face with his hands and sharp knives. He was 29.

Lil Wayne is survived by ex-wife Toya Carter and four children.

Lil Wayne’s charity, Change.org, suffered financial losses after rumors that Wayne borrowed money from the philanthropist organization without returning it, marring the charity group with exactly the negative image of black society from which volunteers work extensively to protect children.

Key assets of Lil Wayne’s estate are expected to be turned over to Change.org, an organization that helps prepare young black inner city youth for the trials of tomorrow.

In his lifetime, numerous lawsuits were filed against Lil Wayne. While these were mostly for copyright infringements and intellectual property theft, he also owed millions of dollars in royalties to scores of people, many of whom were never repaid.

Dating Advice: from Doctor Angstrom H. Troubedaur

Dr. Angstrom H. TroubedaurHey, what’s up fellow dudes?

I’m here to chill on a problem that has plagued humanity since the dawn of the Internet: Dating.

Now, there are an unlimited number of ways to date, and many cultures have backward traditions different from our own. But this doesn’t mean it has to be impossible! Perhaps some of us young American men have just forgotten how to hunt.

After decades of studying human behavior, I’ve come up with a short list of do’s and dont’s – and some other shit that is sure to land you the kind of submissive sex object you think you desire. That is, of course, before she backstabs you like a bitch whore, which always happens 100% of the time. Am I right, dudes?

When dating, here are seven things you should definitely do:

1. Repeatedly send her friend requests on Facebook. This demonstrates persistence, showing her you are dedicated and ready for a worthwhile mate. Make status updates that passingly reference her and her interests. Mirror her personality in every way that you can. She will appreciate this.

2. Find out where she hangs out, and go there. Be careful not to approach her right away; instead, take the time to study her habits and personality so you can best approach her successfully.

3. Make joking insults about her in the company of others. She will be impressed with your edgy sense of humor.

4. Once you’re “in,” be as cold and emotionally distant as possible. She will grow to crave your emotional warmth more and more, and you can use this as a “power tool” to control her behavior.

5. Keep a clean apartment. If a woman comes over and sees that it is dirty, her feminine instincts will cause her to resent you because she will assume it is her obligation to clean it. Even though it is, you want to wait till she is completely submissive before allowing her the cleaning duties she naturally desires.

6. Constantly be on the lookout for any clues that might suggest insubordination. All women will naturally want to cheat on you and eventually break up with you. Be prepared for this and stamp it out ahead of time, if you can.

7. It is your job to predict the many unseen forces which are at work. As the relationship finally fails, it may dawn on you that it is your fault for lacking knowledge of her indiscretions. It is never too late to go through her email. Install a keylogger on her computer. This will give you valuable insights into her opinion of you and let you know for sure whether or not she is cheating on you yet.

Is your love interest microwaved or prepared fresh on the stove? Try to avoid doing any of the following while on your first hot date, to keep it from getting cold:

Under NO circumstance should you:

1. Reveal that you are human. This is off-putting and violates a woman’s natural boundaries.

2. Freely voice your opinion. If anything you say is objectionable, the lady twirling her martini across the table from you may shut down, or go into hibernation – and you’ll be stuck paying the full bill without a hope in the world of even touching her breasts.

3. Be quiet. But also try not to talk about yourself. Women just don’t give a fuck. If you can’t think of anything else to say, ask about her obsession with cats. Once she starts flapping her gums, you can zone back out again. Picture yourself playing Minecraft while she babbles on about her meaningless life.

4. Reveal your juvenile hobbies, such as comic books or videogames. This is a glaring signal that you are not yet disconnected from your worthless past. This is known to later cause feelings of tension or guilt in the female mind after she recognizes she is not only destroying you as a human being, but your inner child as well.

5. Let on like you are responsible with money. She will assume you’re poor and unable to buy her luxuries. Luxuries are the only thing women really care about in life, other than cats, so before you reveal even a shade of frugality, consider stealing jewelry and clothing from Macy’s.

6. Take “no” for an answer. This is self-explanatory.

7. Get bitter because you are an unlovable, abusive monster. If she can’t accept you for who you are, then she can GET FUCKED, like the little SLUT she IS.

Be on the lookout for the woman who:

1. Doesn’t eat, abuses serious drugs. This is a sign she needs help. Let somebody else deal with it. She’s probably got AIDS anyway.

2. Has children. She will eventually expect you to adopt it. That’s heavy shit, bro.

3. Wants commitment. You’re a wild eagle, man. And eagles gotta be free.

4. Is vegetarian, vegan, religious, political, or otherwise predisposed to strong beliefs of any kind. Eventually, she will force her beliefs upon you and that just won’t do. This is also a sign of independent thought, which is anathema to a healthy relationship.

5. Is against abortion. Since you never use a condom, she will have to be down with the coat hanger one way or another.

If you catch her reading this list[http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/redflaglist.shtml], or anything like it, immediately forbid her from the internet! Material like this will nullify all the do’s and dont’s, inevitably leading your pet girlfriend to think for herself, dissolving her love for you.

Ava K Lamb Exclusive Report

Gonzo journalist and drug unenthusiast Ava K Lamb reports from the frontlines of your mind’s struggle to comprehend future instances of itself in the not too distant past.

Using the latest in neutrino technology, follow Lamb on a journey through prime numbers, recycling, Johnny Cash and a tractor.

Th3j35t3r’s lie

Feels bad, man

On Sunday, Chronicle.SU was attacked by th3j35t3r, noteworthy Anonymous pedophile. On Wednesday, Chronicle.SU rose from the dead – kind of like Jesus over there, except this really happened. Now, while th3j35t3r is carrying out yet more superficial attacks on WikiLeaks, we’d like to share with the world exactly how petty and powerless this “jester” character really is. Read on, citizen.

During our outage, sockpuppets for th3j35t3r claimed that we had not, in fact, been attacked. They demanded our former host force the removal of any and all references to th3j35t3r and assumed that is what actually happened. Actually, our host refused. But when the Chronicle went down from th3j35t3r’s subsequent attack, his child porn ring claimed victory because they’re really just that dumb.

The real attack, a distributed denial of service,  proved that a traditional botnet is a functional part of th3j35t3r’s arsenal. We reported accusations of th3j35t3r violating children – and the computers of children – which provoked him to flat out attack us. He attacked us because it was true and we are a threat to him. We are a threat to his pedophilia. He stated several times that he didn’t attack us, and that he didn’t use a botnet. He lied.

Isn't she just so damn sexy?

Th3j35t3r commits libel as routine, d0xing anyone who looks like they might be LulzSec, peace be with them. He d0xed us, implying that we should fear the consequences of exercising the freedom of speech. Implying that we are criminals, for speaking the truth.

He abuses the infrastructure of the internet and breaks the law for personal glory and fame. He’s not helping anyone out, and especially not soldiers at war.

What kind of sheltered first world dildo would believe that th3j35t3r’s attacks are demoralizing or debilitating terrorists? More to the point, what kind of terrorist sits at his computer, trying to refresh some fucking forum before he goes out to kill infidels? “Gotta Jihad but first f5 to make sure we’re still game.” The same kind of terrorist who sits in Northern Virginia eating Hot Pockets refreshing 4chan, discussing the same old revolutionary bullshit that’ll never happen. Noko! 404.

Th3j35t3r is all misdirection. He’s a living lie, if you can call that living. Every time we’ve called him on his lies, he’s doubled down and socks a threat or five, claiming that each one is the “first and last” – retweeting his own faildox to a miserly 300 views. This internet try-hard has no power he doesn’t fake or take. That is, none of it is earned anymore than you earned access to the Chronicle.SU today.

Hey jesterfag, you just lost the game. Or, has the game lost you? Since reporting on th3j35t3r, the Chronicle.SU has enjoyed no increase in traffic although we did pick up seven Twitter followers – or 700% of living, breathing followers who know what “th3j35t3r” is. If there is anything to be learned from our coverage of the declining child pornographer and pseudo-hacker (scriptkiddie), it is this: The Jester is officially completely utterly irrelevant.

JesterAttacksChronicle320 by ChronicleSU

On the phone: James K. Galloway

James K. Galloway
Yep, James K. Galloway is Old Brutus. So what?