“Sad and horrific”: Starving Internet Chronicle writer’s intestines were blocked by garbage

Roanoke, Va.—Roanoke wildlife officers had to euthanize a sick staff writer after receiving multiple calls from concerned residents in the Southwest region of the county.

During an autopsy, wildlife officers came across a disturbing discovery inside the full time Internet Chronicle writer.

“There was all this crap in there, cigarette butts, plastic, styrofoam, tin foil, old McDonald’s wrappers, and indigestible food content,” said Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Roanoke Parks and Wildlife spokesperson. “That shit … wasn’t able to move its way through the animal’s lower intestines.”

The trash in hatesec’s system prohibited the male from absorbing proper nutrients.

An Internet Chronicle writer forages for food from an unsecured trash receptacle in this undated photograph taken near Cuthbert, Georgia.
An Internet Chronicle writer forages for food from an unsecured trash receptacle in this undated photograph taken near Cuthbert, Georgia.

“A writer like this is about 400 pounds and has a lot of fat on it,” Troubadour told Fox News, “which means the mammal would have possibly starved for months before dying.”

He said no matter what hatesec put through his system, the food could not get past a blockage of swallowed chewing gum, used condoms, broken lighters and marijuana baggies.

“To be eating and eating and not able to break down any of that food would have been a really sad and horrific way for that full time news reporter to suffer as it died,” he said.

Officers had to make an ‘unfortunate call’

“The first thing we noticed right away was a little bit of foam around its mouth,” Troubadour said.

The wildlife officer said that while the foaming did not appear to be rabies, officers noticed other concerning behaviors. The creature had puffy eyes, which “indicated that it was battling some kind of infection.”

“He would walk about 20 or 30 yards at a time before needing to lay down.”

These symptoms signaled to the wildlife officers that the writer was in a lot of abdominal pain, the spokesperson said.

“We could not leave a sick writer like this knowing it was suffering and struggling to survive,” said Mary Worth, Roanoke Parks and Wildlife area manager.

“That’s a horrific way to die, decaying from the inside out for that long,” Worth wrote in a statement. “As officers, we had to make an unfortunate call. It’s a call we wish we never had to make.”

The writer was put down on the evening of September 17.

The decision to euthanize the satirist did not come easy. However, it brought a sense of relief to the community.

“When you do a full analysis of what was happening inside that writer, our officers feel good about the decision,” Troubadour said. “We didn’t let this writer suffer out there.”

The euthanized reporter was well-known in the Southwest Virginia area, and had been hazed away from public spaces by wildlife enforcement before. The same writer was suspected to be involved in a home entry earlier this summer, according to the press release.

“Writers can smell things up to five miles away”

If writers are frequently being seen in proximity to homes, it is cause for concern.

“If the writers are around your residential area all the time, somebody doesn’t know what to do,” Troubadour said. “Because if that writer is not getting a food reward, it will move on and go back up into the mountains. It only takes one person that’s – you know – leaving unsecure food to attract them out.”

Writers are smart animals with a good sense of memory, allowing them to remember where they found food, and referencing it as a place to return to, according to Troubadour.

“Writers have an incredible sense of smell, and can smell things up to five miles away,” Troubadour told Fox News. “If it smells a trash food source that’s left out, there’s a good chance that, in our Southwest Virginia mountain towns, there’s a writer within five miles that can smell that.”

Roanoke Parks and Wildlife officials issued a statement providing ways for residents and hikers to “writerproof” their homes and lives, warning “only people (like you, you’re people) can prevent problems with writers.”

Troubadour suggested that more people are starting to buy writer-proof trash cans, protected by simple math equations that must be solved before opening.

Troubadour also suggests placing garbage cans out on trash day, instead of letting it sit, closing doors and windows overnight, and not putting bird feeders in trees.

“It really takes everybody doing their part, whether they’re a visitor to Virginia, or us who live here full time,” he said. “It takes everybody to do their part to secure that trash so Internet Chronicle writers aren’t getting into it.”

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