axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Fashion

I washed my face with shit for a week and the results were about what you’d expect

Since first signing up for Pinterest, I’ve seen countless pins promoting shit-based exfoliants and masques.

Dr. Angstrom H. ShitladourAccording to groundbreaking research by Dr. Angstrom Human Shitladour, shit takes away puffy eyes, minimizes cellulite, and removes traces of dignity leftover after the last time a reader smeared shit on their faces.

Dr. Shit’s 1982 study even states that it reduces anxiety.

With all these projected benefits up for grabs, I thought I’d give shit skincare a try, and later report the following scientifically valid, fact-based, peer reviewed anecdotes.

Though many prefer coarse shits for scrubs and face masks, they might only do this a few times per week. I wanted to use it everyday.

That is why I created a shit cloth wash rag using locally sourced human feces (which are 100% pure shit). I then added the recommended amount of warm, microwaved buttermilk to make several batches, allowed it to cool, and used it in place of my Neutrogena Nsecurity facewash for one week straight.

This is my shit face wash story

two geniuses who actually smeared shit on their face for health benefits

You might be wondering, who am I, and what gives me the right to take up your precious time yammering on about my own face?

Before I began my journey into the world of excrement skincare, I was already feeling pretty good about my skin. Yes, I had a few bumps, blackheads, and a Glasgow smile, but nothing major stood out to me. Overall, I was mostly insecure about the sunken, dead expression in my eyes. Was I supposed to rub shit in my eyes, too?

Day 1

Initially, I was a fan of using pure shit as a face wash. It made me feel awake and alive, as though I’d taken my recommended One-a-Day TerrorMax. I could also feel the shit caked in my pores.

However, as the day went on, I could feel my skin getting…shittier. When I looked in the mirror, I also noticed brown around my nose and T-zone.

Day 2

I noticed a lot more brownness on day 2, and that irritation had spread to the tops of my cheeks. On the plus side, the shit smell still woke me up fast, but I was not exactly happy with my “results” thus far.

Day 3

I feel like the shit makes my beauty mole different? I was applying sunscreen as I normally do and was spending about the same amount of time outside, yet my mole was swollen and inflamed to a proportion that is sure to steal the spotlight. Also, there are itchy red patches on the roof of my mouth.

Day 4

By day 4, I felt like the shit was making me look worse. My face was turning tan as the shit became a sort of foundation, and there were more bumps on my skin. I noticed something different about the scaly patches in my mouth and throat: The patches are flaking off, exposing weeping sores that ooze pus when I swallow.

Day 5

 

Things started to calm down on Day 5, so maybe my skin just needed to get used to the feces? Yet, I still wasn’t noticing any miraculous results. I also noticed that – even though I was getting a full 1.5 hours of sleep — my undereye circles looked darker. I am a teenage girl, not Emperor Palpatine!

Day 6

The scabs around my mouth are hardening, outlined by a row of glistening red beauty pox, and my nose looks cute. I won the genetic lottery, so even with shit smeared on my face, I am doing alright. Still, it looks like I might be having a slight allergic reaction to the organic peanut oils in this shit. My face looks like a burnt pizza, but I feel like Chanel.

Day 7

Is there a method to my madness? As you can see, there are some new scars on my face. I got this at a motor lodge when someone mistook me for a vagrant attacker. My skin was super sensitive, and like, couldn’t even – as I was pushed into a row of hot, freshly parked motorcycles. Also, I got the worst blackhead, right on the end of my nose. I look like a court jester!

Verdict

Honestly, I didn’t mind using this face wash. My sensitive skin was triggered by the gluten in my donor’s diet, which can be curbed with a little lemon kiss, and a squirt of tea tree oil in the mix. Overall, it made my skin redder, drier, and increased the amount of bullshit already going wrong with my face. Also, I am pretty sure it didn’t complement mon parfum. On the plus side, it did make me feel more like an asshole!

Go ahead and try it, you filthy rotten animals.
“Go ahead and try it, you filthy rotten animals.”

Since it was cheap to make, and since we all have different skin types – this type of face wash may work better for someone whose skin takes to having shit smeared on it like an abused child’s watercolour. But, before you go ahead and give it a try, make sure to consult a doctor for a second opinion.

This story is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

shoo shoo on my she she

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Hate

FUCK YOU

Fuck you is the name of this document.

If a solar flare hit the earth right now, scorching everything and everyone instantly – if I had the time, I would look to the sky and thank God for smoking this human virus.

It is directed at YOU.

You will not control my fucking thoughts any longer. You will not touch me. You will not know me.

I just sat in PISS. And I don’t give a fuck! Actually sitting in piss right now beats the hell out of what I have been doing for the last two and a half years.

so the reason we live is the reason we die and the reason we die is because there’s no better answer.

and the reason you cry is the reason you lie and you’re a socialite egomaniacal emotional cancer.

and the reasons for the sky is blue and all that you knew that grew and spew forth like volcanic disease

is to please your man, please him so well that you knew nothing more than his love you abused on his knees.

oh yeah you’re a worthless whore that knew nothing more than the blasted motherfucker who took you away

from your own inner pain for a short term gain of about a thousand micrometers of your soul’s dilution, per se.

Motherfucker can’t you see what you’re doing to me can’t you be what you claimed as natural as the grass and the trees.

The problem with having sex with strangers is that you don’t give a shit about their kids.

“Oh, you have kids? Fuck your kids.” Unlike normal kids, you learn to HATE the kids who belong to your pussy.

I fucked this broad who had kids and I was so god damn wasted that I thought, ‘FUCK THE CHILDREN’ – I was fucking wasted, but instead of tripping over her childrens’ toys in the dark, what did I do? I KICKED THAT SHIT OUT OF MY WAY because I’m better than your fucking accidents!

The President of the United States of America

I know this guy was fucking some broad with kids and the kid came in and slapped him on the ass while they were fucking. Kid didn’t know any better. My guy didn’t care. Nobody gave a fuck! That’s how inconsequential a kid really is. Kids are useless. So stop having them.

I am better than you, your mom, your worthless coke-sucking daddy and your child support checks from McDonald’s whose worth I shit into a toilet every day and wipe my ass with!

“What’s this child support all over my asshole? I better wipe more.”

Fuck is the best word ever. It’s better than your children’s father, it’s better than you, it’s better than Christmas.

Do you want to fuck?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Well some fucking body’s gotta fuck you, who’s the fuck?

Fuck that guy!

Retarded people is who I’m talking about. Retarded people are better than you, better than you wasting your fucking time, wasting mine, wasting our money and efforts. Do you know what alcohol even does to you? Motherfucker, you’re going to get cancer and die, just like all of us. We’re all gonna die! DONT’ YOU FUCKING GET THAT!? WE ARE ALL GOIGN TO DIE~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO FUCK IT! GET FUCKED, FUCK EACH OTHER, TAKE SOME PILLS – EAT SOME FUCKING ACID, GET YOUR MIND OPEN – TEAR IT THE FUCK OPEN!!!!! YOU ARE NOT WORTH A BOTTLE OF SHIT, JUST EAT A HIT OF ANGELDUST, KILL A POLICE OFFICER AND FUCKING ROT IN PRISON FOR YEARS, AND PRAY THAT YOU SOON HAVE THE STRENGTH TO KILL YOURSELF, AND THEN FUCKING DIE IN PRISON! WRITE BOOKS ABOUT HATE AND FEAR AND RAGE AND PAIN IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT, BUT THEN YOU HAVE TO FUCKING KILL YOUR FUCKING SELF BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT WORTH THE WEIGHT OF THE ROPE THAT HANGS YOU. SO GO AHEAD AND USE YOUR BELT.

And when you are standing there, with the belt around your neck, hanging from the rafters – prison cells shouldn’t have rafters, but this one does – and you’re thinking about all the reasons you’re about to end your life, even though “there’s no reason to end a life,” and you happen to think about this sentence of torn logic, between necessity, fate, self-loathing, regret, self-destruction, shitting your pants when you die, and all the good you can do for humanity, even after you’ve raped, killed a cop, smoked pure PCP to the dome on top of a head full of liquored-up acid, then turned around and taught inner-city kids how to read because you’re a god damn superhero; just remember – Elf Wax Times don’t give a fuck about you, your ambitions, your dreams, or your inner peace or your god damn adventurous spirit, the fact you ran down old people in your car, married a whore, and now you’re single and got nothing, nobody to turn to, a family that hates you and friends who don’t know you – just remember – this one thing, before you hang yourself like the scum-sucking worm that you are. remember this: you are nothing.

FUCK YOU. Hang yourself. Do it, you miserable piece of shit. Nobody wants you.

Nobody needs you.

The world is better off without you. In fact, if there’s a quicker way to die than hanging yourself, DO IT. Got a gun? Excellent. Use it, pussy bitch. Point that motherfucker straight into your temple and pull the trigger – or don’t you have a pair of balls worth fuckign with? Don’t you have shit but a gun? Then pretend like that gun is a dick and SUCK A BULLET THROUGH IT. PULL THE FUCKING TRIGGER ‘CAUSE NOBODY WANTS YOU. NOBODY NEEDS YOU. SPEND A BULLET, SAVE A DOLLAR, AND SAVE THE FUCKING WORLD. YOU ARE A VIRUS.

——-===========———

This has been brought to you by our sponsor: FUCK YOU, BITCH.

=======another hit later===========

(12:43:41 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: What?
(12:43:44 AM) judasaddiction: Yeah
(12:43:45 AM) judasaddiction: I know
(12:44:50 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: What are you talking about
(12:46:53 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: ??
(12:47:06 AM) judasaddiction: I am talking about murdering somebody. You want to help me?
(12:48:24 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: Hm I think I’ll pass
(12:49:44 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: Who you gonna murder?
(12:50:02 AM) judasaddiction: I am murdering the general publis
(12:50:02 AM) judasaddiction: c]
(12:50:03 AM) judasaddiction: fa
(12:50:03 AM) judasaddiction: sf
(12:50:03 AM) judasaddiction: asdjf
(12:50:03 AM) judasaddiction: adsfads
(12:50:04 AM) judasaddiction: f’hiukjhkfyuck
(12:51:03 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: Hm ok
(12:52:00 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: Your scarring me
(12:51:53 AM) judasaddiction: good.
(12:51:58 AM) judasaddiction: you should be scared
(12:52:01 AM) judasaddiction: because I’m an evil motherfucker
(12:53:06 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: Ok hm I think
(12:53:11 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: I should go bye
(12:53:03 AM) judasaddiction: I think you should, too. Because you’re a wuss
(12:53:08 AM) judasaddiction: Get fucked and die
(12:53:58 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: Yea bye
(12:53:52 AM) judasaddiction: crylight
(12:54:37 AM) fellinlovewithtwilight: Fuck off

=-=–=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

fuck that bitch.

-=-=-==–=-=-==–=

The world is a god damn lie. Existence is a fabrication. You are worthless. Your town, its artifacts, its people – all meaningless.

This Earth was created neither for you nor me nor God. We are all equally shit. We are all God. God is shit.

You are not going to win. There is no losing, but somehow you’ve found a way to come out on the bottom. You are scum. You believe in God’s miracle. You are a Christian, a Muslim, a fucking animal that simply can’t evolve to save its own dick.

=–=-=-=-==-=-=-

YOU WILL BE EVOLVED OUT. Because like religion, you are no longer relevant.

-=-=-==–=-==

FUCK RELIGION

FUCK YOUR RELIGION
TO RELIGION: FUCK YOU

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adf

asdf

asdf

you are not worth the weight of this hard-on.

Before you judge me, why don’t you take a look at your fucking self…?

axisflip cryptofinancial

Categories
Science

Elf Wax Thought Crimes

The Universe unfolds in a series of layers. With the years we shed paradigms and discover new meanings in old material. It’s time to examine the next layer to go and question why or where it’s going. Then, we may learn to see above all boundaries and through the fogs of time.

This message was brought to you by Elf Wax Laboratories in coordination with [experimentation] using [L.S.D.] on [humans].

Lebal Drocer, Incorporated – “paving the way in forced evolution!”