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Categories
Technology World

Investigators unearth illegal click farm that authorities say was operated by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

MUANG NGOI, Laos—Terry had come to see. The air turned sweet. Soon it would be nightfall. The forest was a canopy of shadows and rising tension, the awakening of howling beasts. Terry had driven across the country to reach this remote river village, and now he was finally here, looking to the top of the hill, ready to confront the person he believed had fraudulently clicked more advertisements than anyone in Laos. In the distance, he could hear them: dozens of mice clicking.

For nearly two months, Terry, 64, an American counter-trafficking agent working with various government agencies around the world, had tracked the source of this fraudulent clicking activity to a small hut in southeast Asia registered to an obscure publishing magnate, a man named Raleigh Theodore Sakers.

Authorities say the underground click farm would have never been discovered, if the site’s owner, Raleigh Theodore Sakers, had never started his side hustle:

“They were solving captchas on the side.

Lt. Raymond “Ray” Terry, FBI Investigator

Ya dig? Raleigh had them kids working non-stop 16-hour days, seven days a week.

Their tiny hands, he said, make it easier to see the screen, which helps them click faster. The children do not know their families.”

Repeat Offender

Dr. Angstrom Troubadour is listed in a formal complaint where Lebal Drocer, Inc. was accused of operating a fake news, disinformation camp.

Terry says the above image is a closer approximation to the reality of work on a Lebal Drocer clickfarm. Standing in stark contrast to the club-like atmosphere being sold in the advertisement, a Lebal Drocer clickfarm is an un-ventilated cell where a single person is made to click, or touch, a battery of phones attached to a board, reminiscent of a switchboard operator’s station.

Children as young as the age of three are hunched over dirt mounds, like pitcher’s mounds with an iPhone for a plate, and they are being forced to peck on Temu advertisements while having no understanding of what they are doing.

“These children are working before they are even making memories,” Terry said. “If I wasn’t a cop, and I read books instead of watching MMA, I would say this is just like Brave New World.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, the scientist who famously designed a slightly curved, corkscrew tunnel for Raleigh Sakers to stumble through, said the media giant hired him to develop a social media mining technique that entertained the child like a toy.

“Lebal Drocer’s child mines would be addictive,” Troubadour said of Raleigh’s designs. “They cry when they are given their twice-daily break. They refuse food, and even toilets. These were the results of our experiment.”

Terry said that experiment stopped when a meme popularized the expression “the children yearn for the mines” and drew attention to the science before any product could take form.

“We was hot on ’em,” said Terry. “I smelled blood.”

But before he could reach the hut, all at once, the clicking stopped. When he opened the thatch door, the room still warm with the heavy presence of sweat and exhaustion, only a piece of plywood remained, with an iPhone charger, still plugged into the lone solar battery, powering nothing.

He phoned back to America, and had his assistant check all the official records. That night it was determined media mogul Raleigh T. Sakers has been dead for more than 25 years.

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Categories
Health News

Confiscated Human Report confirms vulnerabilities to illness, disease

GOBLIN NEWS

Confiscated news item from the human front:

More and more people are grabbing doorknobs and touching their eyes, mouths, and noses, leading to deadly infection. “Spinal Meningitis” is not just a cool Ween song, it’s also a cool and dangerous disease, and new cases are on the rise, says Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, Fellow at the Infectious Diseases Institute in Lebal Drocer Falls, Minnesota.

Troubadour says spinal meningitis is not that serious, and that there are painful and expensive treatments for it, should such a need arise.

dr troubadour
Real Doctor :)

“Hi, I’m Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour. So you fucked around and got your spinal fluid infected?”

Not to worry. Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals offers a series of low-cost, high-pain injections, and high-cost, painful injections. A solution for every patient/customer!

Buy my stuff, and learn what sick really means.
       —Dr. T

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Categories
Health Science

Study: The Effectiveness of Bees on Personal Well Being

PRINCETON, N.J.—A recent study by the Princeton Institute of Science and Sociology (P.I.S.S.) has found that keeping a personal colony of bees can have tremendous effects on personal health.

“The bees have a tremendous effect on our bodies,” said Institute Director Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour. “It cannot be overstated how tremendous these effects are, especially in relation to personal health.” When asked to elaborate, Troubadour closed his eyes and pretended he couldn’t hear our questions.

“What? What? Speak up puny child,” said Troubadour, before reaching for a reporter’s car keys and attempting to drive off in our company Camry. The doctor was asked to leave, and come back when he feels better.

Luckily, the Internet Chronicle staff contains a vast collection of our nation’s brightest minds, and were able to dissect the report in his absence. The finalized report seems to be written in crayon on a loose collection of bar napkins. One such napkin held a crudely drawn picture of a bee, with his stinger out. Deep crimson stains of blood coat several pages, though it is not clear whether this is the blood of the scientists or test subjects. Frankly, it is not our job to question the source of the blood, for Chronicle editors operate with a deep understanding of the significance of bloodletting among employees, every now and then, two or three times a week.

The key thesis of the study claims that by keeping a personal collection of bees, and by keeping these bees in a glass tube, one can lower their stress levels and raise their expected life span. How it’s done is simple: the tube of bees is always kept on one’s person. Sometimes just holding the tube and experiencing the warm vibration from within is enough. But it is when conflict or disagreements arise that the true power of a bee tube is revealed: In a single therapeutic motion, a person – both a caregiver and patient becoming one in the same in that moment – might administer a tube-shattering blow to the recipient across the head or face, releasing the wrath of the bees upon patient no. 2.

The study goes on to state that during trials the bees were used to avoid DUI arrests, settle domestic disputes, and prevent physical harm to the user.

We spoke to Daniel, a 57-year-old practitioner of this method.

“The bees are fuckin’ great man, let me tell you,” said Daniel, who asked that his last name be withheld for legal reasons. “Some poor bastard wants me to move my car from the handicap space. I says to him, I says, ‘HOW DO YOU LIKE SOME BEES YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT!’ And then I bash ‘em! Gets ‘em every time!”

No further statements were taken, as Daniel began threatening our reporter with his tube of bees, sharp with freshly broken glass, and some bees still inside.

Naturally, any time animals are involved in science there is bound to be backlash from animal rights activists.

Animal rights activist and NFL Hall of Fame quarterback Michael Vick insists the practice is safe for everyone involved, especially the bees, who so enjoy the practice of medical stinging.

“I see no way in which this would harm the bees” said Vick, an ASPCA advocate. “I have always done what is right for animals, and I can personally vouch for the safety of all bees involved in this experiment.”

We at the Internet Chronicle stand firmly with Mr. Vick and all he has done for the animal rights movement, but we felt that a second opinion was necessary to gain full confidence in the safety of the bees. Therefore, our journalists covered the most allergic newsroom intern in honey, and sent him out to the McDonald’s dumpster on Tremont Avenue, to get a word directly from the bees themselves.

The following had to be taken from an audio transcript as our cub reporter was stung several times and died on the scene.

Unnamed and uncredited Chronicle intern: Obviously this experiment was conducted without the consent of the bees involved. How do you perceive the treatment of your subjects?

 

Bee Queen, Hive 1,302,907: Buzz buzzz buzzzz buzz buzzzzz buzz, buzz buzzz buzz buzzbuzzbuzz buzz buzz.

 

Reporter: I see, and do you feel threatened?

 

Bee Queen: Buzzzz Buzzbuzz buzz buzzz buzz.

 

Reporter: I understand your concerns, although FUCK SHIT OH GOD IT STINGS PLEASE GOD KILL M-

Although the topic of trapping bees and weaponizing them is controversial in the bee community, our lawyers have confidently informed Chronicle editors that the opinions of insects have no legal bearing, and can safely “bee” ignored. 

Ask your doctor about this breakthrough medical advancement, and try it out for yourself, or simply reach out to [email protected] and we will mail you a loose box of assorted bees and wasps. No insurance necessary.

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In Loving Memory of chronicle.su intern no. 27 (unnamed and uncredited). Gone, But Not Forgotten.