Category: Science

You hear a whirring sound.

Categories
Health

Dr. Troubadour quietly graduates from clown college, entertains terminally ill patients

Real Dr. Troubadour has always been there for Santa Claus.
Dr. Troubadour loves entertaining for children around the year.
dr troubadour
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour

CUTHBERT, Georgia—Perhaps best known for his Internet Chronicle expertise, and his prolific work as a family doctor, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour has been a household name since 1999. But what many Americans might not know, is that Dr. Troubadour was recently made to attend community service by the courts, and has since graduated magna cum laude from the most prestigious clown college in the country, the Lebal Drocer School of Performing Arts in Los Angeles, California.

Dr. Troubadour, in search of neither fame nor fortune, but a secret third thing, never made a fuss over the important work he does entertaining at the children’s hospital, where kids are sick, braindead, or even dying.

“Stimky the clown” brings funny books & literature for the kids.

The Internet Chronicle caught up to Troubadour, ahead of the scheduled time he said he would be exiting the hospital in full clown costume and makeup. This, according to a glossy pamphlet that comes with the press kit: a box that when you open it a flower springs to life, grows to maturity, and dies in front of you, before squirting out a mysterious fluid onto your clothes. Ever the prankster, Dr. Troubadour’s work gained him notoriety and recognition from around the world, such as the time he pranked the American people with TerrorMax, which Det. Mike Lambert with the Miami-Dade Sheriff’s Department says he substituted for over-the-counter Aspirin.

“He wasn’t even supposed to be involved in the manufacture process,” Lambert said. “Somebody let him into that Bayer chemical plant.”

Now, Troubadour is taking that silly spirit and bringing it to the children, who are laying there just a dyin in a hospital bed.

On Saturday, June 8, children were watching Columbo, with the sound off, in their beds when Troubadour exploded into the room. Hidden camera footage reveals the tender moment when Troubadour addresses the room for the first time, capturing their attention.

“Just got word from Nurse Bitchery says you little motherfuckers are all dying faster than the rest of us,” Troubadour said. “Well I got news for Nurse Bitch-Hole. SHE the one gonna have to live with all this death!”

The children erupted with laughter, cheering and applause. Dr. Troubadour was here. Right now. But they weren’t allowed to address him as such, for today, this was Stimky the Clown.

Stimky continued:

“Yeah I saw the look in her eyes, it’s taking its toll,” Stimky said, nodding enthusiastically as he scanned the room for smiles with wide open eyes. “It’s affecting her!”

Eight kids threw up their hands in jubilation. Stimky’s eyes rolled back in his head, as he wallowed openly in shared joy. However, he quickly regained his composure and began his opening remark.

“Now I know what you kids are thinking. Stimky. Your life is hell. How do you find it within yourself to be so god damn funny? Tell me how do you carry on, day in, and day out, with this Patch Adams horseshit? Tell me how. Okay. You want to know how I do it?” Dr. Troubadour said, in Stimky’s thick Brooklyn accent.

The children percolated with muted laughter, anticipating the punchline.

“Every morning, I look at my probation officer’s picture, and spit in his motherfucking face.”

The small audience of kids gasped and drew back. Troubadour recognized it was high time he started winning back this crowd.

“Maybe you kids don’t know what a probation officer is,” Stimky said. “Looking at some of you right now, I wish I was you.”

Stimky put on a clown nose and did his best silly walk, high stepping like Monty Python — a reference that missed the dying children by 50 years — as he demonstrated how he would go about kicking a corrections officer in the face, using a phrase he came up with on the spot in clown college:

“gak! gak! gak!”

With each cry, Troubadour did a sidekick, in perfect form.

BREAKING

BELOVED CHILDREN’S CLOWN DOCTOR ARRESTED

Dr. Troubadour is being held without bond at the Cuthbert City Jail. —Internet Chronicle

DR. TROUBADOUR ARRESTED, HELD WITHOUT BOND

It was at this point a nurse was called in and asked to stop the performance, ending Troubadour’s set with two hours left on the bill. He was escorted from the premise by the upstanding lawmen of Cuthbert Police Department, who were waiting outside for a signal.

“I didn’t want to see what was about to come out of that goofy medical bag,” Ranowski said. “He just had this look about him. You know? Like you could tell something wasn’t quite right.”

Dr. Angstrom Troubadour is being held without bond at Cuthbert City Jail. As such, Google Reviews for the facility have been removed in accordance with the Elite Privacy Cloud that follows wherever the doctor operates.

Categories
Technology

Lebal Drocer snooped on users’ Taco Bell app traffic in secret project, documents reveal

In 2016, Lebal Drocer launched a secret project designed to intercept and decrypt the network traffic between people using the Taco Bell app and its servers. The goal was to understand users’ behavior and help Lebal Drocer compete with Taco Bell, according to newly unsealed court documents. Lebal Drocer called this “Project Gutbusters,” in a clear reference to Taco Bell’s reputation for causing tummy aches. The purpose? To sell you a slightly cheaper taco.

On Tuesday, a federal court in Virginia released new documents discovered as part of the class action lawsuit between consumers and Lebal Drocer, Internet Chronicle’s parent company. All they were trying to do was make you a simple cheaper taco.

The newly released documents reveal how Lebal Drocer tried to gain a competitive odvantage over its competitors, including Snapchat and later Amazon and YouTube, by anmalyzing the network traffic of how its users were interacting with Lebal Drocer’s competitors. Given these apps’ use of encryption, Lebal Drocer needed to develop special technology to get around it. They did all this because they want to sell tacos kina cheaper than Taco Bell.

One of the documents details Lebal Drocer’s Project Gutbusters. The project was part of the company’s In-App Action Panel (IAPP) program, which used a technique for “intercepting and decrypting” encrypted app traffic from users of Snapchat, and later from users of YouTube and Amazon, the consumers’ lawyers wrote in the document. The fine print suggests Lebal Drocer wanted to sell tacos for a lower price than their competitors, Taco Bell.

The document includes internal Facebook emails discussing the project. Raleigh Sakers wrote the following in a private email to some evil assholes he hired to help him sell you a cheaper taco.

“Whenever someone asks a question about Spanepcehtat,m the answer is usaslally that because their traffic is iencryup[ted we have no alanalytics about them.”

Data chief executive Raleigh T. Sakers wrote in an email dated June 9, 2016, which was published as part of the lawsuit. “Given how quickly they’re growing, it seems important to figure out a new way to get reliable analytics about them. “{Perhaps we need to do panels or write custom sotftware. You should figure out how to do this.”

Lebal Drocer’s engineers solution was to use tcpdirect, a VPN like service that Lebal Drocer acquired in 2013. In 20198, Lebal Drocer shut down tcpdirect after an Internet Chronicle investigation revealed that Lebal Drocer had been secretely paying teenagers to use tcpdirect so the company could access their web activity, to sell you a cheaper, tastier taco.

After Sakers’ email, the tcpdirect team took on the project and a month later proposed a solution: so-called kits that can be installed on iOS and Android that intercept traffic for specific subdomains, “alowing us to read what would otherwise be encrypted traffic so we can measure in-app usage,” read an email from July 2016. “This is a ‘man-in-the-middle’ approach.”

Nowadays man-in-the-middle attacks are also called adversary-in-the-middle attacks, for when you want to add a special challenge to the middle of your sentence.

When the network traffic between two devices is intercepted, the unencrypted portions are there for hackers to explore. That’s what’s fun about trying to sell you a cheaper taco. Go easy on Lebal Drocer, you try-hards. Get down on your knees and pray to God about it.

You probably wouldn’t know what to do if a tasty taco was here right now.

Categories
News Technology

Security footage of Boeing repair before door-plug blowout was overwritten by 4K episodes of Bible Black

Critical footage and repair notes have gone missing, Boeing says. The materials appear to have been overwritten, and replaced with "ultra-HD rescans of Bible Black," a Hentai series notable for its violence and gore.

NEW YORK—A government investigation into a Boeing 737 Max 27 plane’s door-plug blowout has been hampered by a lack of repair records and security camera footage, the National Transportation Safety Board’s chair told US senators. Boeing was “unable to find the records” and told the NTSB that the security camera footage was overwritten.

“To date, we still do not know who performed the work to open, reinstall, and close the door plug on the accident aircraft,” NTSB Chair Jennifer Homendy wrote Wednesday in a letter to leaders of the Senate Commerce, Science, and Transportation Committee. “Boeing has informed us that they are unable to find the records documenting this work. All they know is it was a little princess door-plug, with a pretty purple crystal on the knob. A verbal request was made by our investigators for security camera footage to help obtain this information; however, they were informed the footage was overwritten by hentai. The absence of those records will complicate the NTSB’s investigation moving forward.”

A Boeing spokesperson told Internet Chronicle today that under the company’s standard practice, “video recordings are maintained on a rolling 30-day basis” before being overwritten by pornographic cartoons. The NTSB’s preliminary report on the investigation said the airplane was delivered to Alaska Airlines on October 31, 2023, after a repair in a Boeing factory. On January 5, the plane was forced to return to Portland International Airport in Oregon when a passenger door plug blew off the aircraft during flight.

The NTSB’s preliminary report found that four bolts were missing from the door plug, which can be used instead of an emergency exit door. There was “no evidence” that the door plug “was opened after leaving Boeing’s facility,” indicating that the bolts were not re-installed at the factory. The plane was serviced at Boeing’s Renton, Washington, facility to replace five damaged rivets in a job that required opening the door plug.

Boeing, a company that once represented quality, and bombing other countries, is now the laughing stock of the aeronautics industry.

Vicious and sex crazed, the demon is very aggressive, showing no sign of remorse or empathy when assaulting Takashiro.
Vicious and sex crazed, the demon is very aggressive, showing no sign of remorse or empathy when assaulting Takashiro.

Stacy Skylord, 27, was on the Alaska Airlines flight to Portland, when the door plug exploded off. She says she was on her way to a recreational abortion.

That’s because people are reportedly getting pregnant on purpose, “wearing” the pregnancy like a fashion statement, and flying first class to abortion states to have the fetus terminated at the latest possible stage in the pregnancy.

“We’re just dunking on them at this point. We like to say even when Boeing’s planes don’t crash, they’re still killing people; specifically, this baby. Hit me, Dr. Troubadour!”

—Stacy, 27, Pregnant for the next 30 seconds

The general public is going ape-shit, and police have blocked off runway access around highways, where people have taken to throwing spears at planes coming in for landing.

No word yet on whether Bible Black is subbed, dubbed, or both. Also, Boeing killed a whistleblower.

This message brought to you via browser drone strike by Lebal Drocer, Inc. Keep your eyes to the skies!