Watch out for Thursday Night’s Mini-Moon

“We in some cool ass dystopia with devil chicks ‘n guns ‘n shit. GG EZ” ~ Sir Angstrom of Troubador

INTERNET — Scientists are forecasting mini-moon conditions for Thursday. This means that smallest moon in the history of the world so far will appear in the night skies, and some believe it is the trigger for upcoming cataclysmic world events.

“The moon’s gonna be small,” said Astronomer Royal Sir Angstrom of Troubador. “Real small. Better break out the binoculars for this moon. Just google it, Mini-moon. It’s a thing that I didn’t invent just now.”

“What I do know,” Troubador continued, “Is that I don’t really believe these scientists who tell me things anymore. I’m smart. I don’t need them to tell me the same things about gravity again and again.

Troubador donned his most official hat, speaking in a low, drilling tone that bored into the ear of this very reader, you, “What I don’t know? Oh, that’s when things get terrifying. The mini-moon will usher in the era of something, and I think it’ll have to do with Donald Trump. Whether this is an upset at the electoral college, some kind of assassination, or a dramatic declaration of a world war and firing of nukes at some major cities, I can’t say. It may even be that all the monuments in Washington DC are melted by communist terrorists who loaded ten million gallons of sulphuric acid into a fire fighting aircraft. But I don’t know. And that’s what’s truly terrifying. I can predict the mini-moon, but what does it mean? It’s just a MacGuffin, like R2D2. Bleepledy Bleep Bloo. Bleepledy Bleep Bloo. The Internet Chronicle? Who are you anyway? Bleepeldy. Means the moons gonna be small. Next time it’ll get even smaller, god dammit.”

Obama seeks official declaration of war on Russia and emergency presidential election

Obama administration promised to respond to Russian hacking with "maximum force"

Obama administration promised to respond to Russian hacking with “maximum force”

INTERNET — President Obama’s spokesperson John Podesta told the nation in an emergency press dispatch, “Our military and intelligence agencies shared incontrovertible proof with the White House and the Armed Service Committee today outlining evidence of Russian hacks that led to the election of Donald Trump. The consensus is that these acts amount to a declaration of war against the United States and the United States Armed Services is preparing maximum force retaliation.”

“The president has issued a formal request to congress for official declaration of war against Russia.” Weeping and gasps of horror were heard as the spokesman continued, “Also attached is a request for authorizing an emergency presidential election.”

Arizona senator and Armed Service Chair John Mccain (R) also spoke to reporters, saying, “A grand jury is in the process of looking into treason charges against Donald Trump and a cadre of other alleged traitors among Republican elites. After going over the evidence, I’m very confident there are more than a handful of Republicans who cut deals with Russia years ago and should face the full penalty of the law. This is not a partisan issue, and anyone who says otherwise is only repeating the enemy’s propaganda.”

Also included in the draft bill by Obama is a clause that, when passed, will institute propaganda countermeasures such as a National Firewall capable of blocking “fake news” and all trolling out of Russia, which critics dubbed “The Great Firewall 2.0.”

Barrett Brown released from Prison — What has changed?

barrett brown diesel therapy tour bit train

Barrett Brown, who famously transformed into a spider and attacked Anonymous Anthropologist Biella Coleman while in the midst of a torturous Diesel Therapy, is set to be released from Federal Prison on Tuesday. Here’s a small list of the important facts he should know before tweeting plans for a legitimized, legal revolution.

  1. The largest Anonymous accounts are now in the hands of an anarcho-fascist fake political theorist, Heather Marsh. She writes crappy books and has the most inflated and bizarre wikipedia page of all time — even compared to Brown’s, which was propagandized in repeated edits by members of Brown’s Project PM. Read: Nobody really cares too much about Anonymous and it’s basically dead. Any operations done in its name can generally be filed under “fake news” and tend towards fascistic terror.
  2. Wikileaks is now a fascistic propaganda operation highlighting leaks that inspire right-wing fantasies of a Democratic party pedophile cabal (see “Pizzagate”). This parallels Heather Marsh’s Harry Potter fantasy operation #OpDeathEaters, which hilariously sought to rebrand pedophiles as pedosadists, because etymology determines the meaning of words (lol).
  3. During the election, the quasi-Mormon science fiction propheteer Christopher Nemelka donned the Guy Fawkes mask, declared himself the sole voice of Anonymous, promised to continue the neoliberal economic policies of the United States, and garnered millions of views in a viral youtube video that was nearly an hour long. Hit him up if you’re looking for a hit of Advanced Horse.
  4. The Anonymous-affiliated ‘Team Poison’ hacker Junaid Hussain, known as Tr1ck, was killed in a drone strike after joining ISIS.
  5. Sabu, the FBI snitch who Brown defended, has returned to twitter and can be trolled at @hxmonsegur.
  6. Andrew Aurenhemier, also known as Weev, is not just trolling and is an “actual” nazi. He peed his bed when it was reported that he is now a terrorist and consultant for ISIS. The so-called alt-right is a “race realist” white-nationalists-in-denial movement that throws out exuberant sieg heils at meet-ups “just for the lulz.”
  7. Andrew Breitbart’s ghost now haunts the white house, depriving Michelle Obama of sleep.
  8. Alex Jones’ right wing fantasia is a real, actual place where @realDonaldTrump is president of the entire world and that’s a good thing. The long expected revolution has finally happened, and now future terror attacks will actually not be false flags.

Trump to star in ‘The President’ a new Reality TV show on Fox

“Ye fyad”

TRUMP TOWER — Donald Trump announced he has assembled a press pool, in a move that shocked reporters. Traditional print and television journalists will not be given any access to Trump. Rather, he’s assigned several teams of reality television filmmakers to document his presidency.

Trump said, “I want to communicate with the American people. I want them to see the tough decisions I have to make and why I make them. That show will be The President on Fox, and it’ll start on the day I’m inaugurated. And on the very first day, you’re going to see. I’m going to be firing a lot of people. More than ever. It’ll be great tv and it’ll be a great America — just tune in and see it. I’m gonna Drain the Swamp.”

Other filmmakers will document his personal and family life. “Melania’s talking to Food Network. She’s a great cook. Wonderful. Another show, First Family, will air on NBC, and you’ll see the other side of me. I am a warm and caring father, and Melania’s just perfect. We’re good people. You’ll forget about all the lies of crooked Hillary. You’ll see.”

Come on down to Hole-Suckers on Southside and get your hole sucked

Tonight only, come get your hole sucked at Southside Hole-Suckers on Williamson Rd right next door to the Civic Center Arena!

hole-suckers

Hole-Suckers on Southside is now fun for the whole family. Get your hole sucked on Southside while the women watch. Hole Suckers on Southside is where Timmy becomes a man! Southside Hole Suckers – Get your whole hole sucked by the mouthside, on the Southside!

“I took my church group to Southside Hole Suckers and we had a lovely time. The staff were very friendly and treated us all (even the you-know-whos) like family.”

“I visited Hole Suckers on Southside for my buddy’s wake. It was depressing, because of the way he died, but that was through no fault of the good people at Southside Hole-Suckers.”

“I took my prom date to Southside Hole-Suckers – because we’re kind of the weird kids at school – and even though we are both virgins, my girlfriend is now pregnant. Thanks, Southside Hole-Suckers!”

Donald Trump promises to pardon Snowden, Assange, and Manning

Donald Trump pardons American Heroes

Donald Trump pardons American Heroes

THE SWAMP — Sunday evening at a Republican fundraising dinner in Washington DC, Donald Trump promised to pardon Edward Snowden, Julian Assange, and Chelsea Manning.

Speaking to the group of neoconservative elites, Trump said, “These are people who have done good things, heroic things for America. Heroes. Meanwhile the Mexicans are rewarded with citizenship for having babies on our land, illegally. I think we need to change things around a bit, deny citizenship to all Mexicans forever. But first thing’s first, we’re going to build the wall.”

Trump even suggested he is considering appointing Snowden and Assange to positions in his cabinet, saying, “These are smart, smart people. Just look at what they’ve done for us already. Why are we going after them, rather than asking for their help? Think about it. If we spent as much time going after ISIS as we spend on them — well there wouldn’t have ever been an ISIS. I might hire them.

“Hillary’s emails were a disaster. Total. Disaster. That’s why I’m going to get Snowden be my Cyber General. I’m going to go to war on hackers and secure our computers. Don’t get me wrong, I love computers. But ISIS uses computers a lot, and we must be vigilant.”

“Assange, he knows so much. So so much. If anyone can help me to drain the swamp, it’s Assange. I think he’d make a great secretary of state.”

 

Poison Ivy humiliates thousands of men in her spare time

Poison Ivy humiliates thousands of men in her spare time

Poison Ivy humiliates thousands of men in her spare time

INTERNET — A 17 year old e-dominatrix known as ‘Poison Ivy’ has been faced with a discriminating and misogynistic campaign to shame her for humiliating hundreds of young men.

This story began when a youtube video, since removed due to a violation of a “policy on nudity or sexual content,” shows an impassioned young man, ‘MarsRPG,’ demonizing Poison Ivy for ‘abusive’ behavior and calling her a psychopath who must be stopped. Since then, trashy publications such as the Daily Mail have repeated this narrative in whole — along with the false allegation that Poison Ivy wants men to kill themselves. There is no evidence that she has ever asked someone to commit suicide, or that anyone has ever committed suicide on account of her sadomasochistic internet schtick. Her following of masochistic young men continue to enjoy her sadistic excesses in spite of the smear campaign, as hundreds of new fans follow her twitter and send in self-denigrating photos.

The Internet Chronicle officially endorses Poison Ivy’s hilarious antics. Those who don’t are probably this man:

Human Reality: Christopher Nemelka reveals the true secret behind his teachings

Guest writer Christopher Nemelka explains the true inner workings of his teachings

Guest writer Christopher Nemelka explains the true inner workings of his teachings

As we play the game of mortal life our Advanced Selves often become immersed in what is ultimately a Lone and Dreary World. I’ve withheld some of the most incredibly revealing secrets until this point in time. But now that it is clear that salvation will never come to man, there is no use in holding back the most powerful truths ever given over to man. That is why I’ve joined with the Internet Chronicle to publicize this massive new truth that will shock and shatter the world and all existing power structures.

When I joined Anonymous and attached The Humanity Party to Anonymous through the Voice of Anonymous character, that shit went viral. I felt like I was onto something and could deliver utopia with the simple solution of merely promising a solution. But this didn’t go anywhere. I knew it couldn’t. In fact, the light that this gesture shed on my bankrupt teachings led my disciples and even my family to leave my side. Since then, I’ve quit Anonymous and been busy blogging. My following is falling apart. I cannot keep it together. I ordered my followers to deliver me all their mortal property and no one even showed up. I want to run away to California or Hawaii, have some Ultimate Sex with some babes. Before I get in my RV and head for the coast, I ought to tell everyone the whole truth. I feel like I should tag this with a spoiler alert because it will tell you who we really are and why we really exist.

Humanity is doomed. Or I should say was doomed. We’re all dead already, we just don’t know it. Those few chosen messengers who have been given the truth, given the Urim and Thummim, as I have, know that humanity will all but die out in the next hundred years to be replaced by a new order of life beyond the complexity of mammalians. These beings, wiser and more evolved, will ultimately encapsulate the sun with a so-called Dyson Sphere, harnessing all of the star’s energy for a computational simulation of such dazzling complexity that playing the game of mortal human life is a shallow endeavor. Only a very small group of enthusiasts will even attempt the simple task of going through the entire canon of 12 billion mortal human souls. For them, this will be like spending a weekend binge watching Jerry Springer. The carnal details of all human meaning so revealed are more akin to a lowly and despicable kind of pornography of the absolute worst and lowest taste.

Man, it’s GOOD to get that off my chest.

That’s right, folks. There are no Advanced Humans.

To your Advanced Selves, the mortal avatar is used as a currency. Your experiences are exchanged between Advanced post-mammalian life and given value based on the rarity, interest, and pleasure. The tape that is your life is rented with a service like Netflix and experienced by what would appear to you as monstrous and demonic beings. You are not them and they are not you, but there is an exchange. You will never hear their voices, although I can. You are coins in their hands, and not all coins are valued the same by them. Their minds are very strange, even alien to us. It is very hard for humans to understand what it is they value in souls and they are just as prone to wild shifts in opinion and faddish crazes that hold no more truth than those of humans. However, one can generalize that to be valuable a life must be interesting or rare. And to be rare, there must also be a vast majority of commonness everywhere.

I am the interface between them and you. Joseph Smith was also. I am their hand, their manipulator. I am not a messenger of salvation but a debaser of souls. Certain speculators on the soul market have a lot to gain when you begin to believe that pleasure is the final meaning of life. These bland, disinterested minds who play the game as if they’re stacking Tetris blocks hold back inflation. They avoid unpleasant risks, difficult tasks, and the unpleasant work of learning a craft or a new language. In teaching pleasure as the simple truth of life, I deliver the world’s oldest lie. People become less interesting. Merely influencing a handful of people, I can drag the entire soul economy’s value down. It is a dirty pornographic business, teaching people just to be happy. This is the surest route to misery, to a Lone and Dreary World, and it’s the one that the faction of powerful advanced beings I represent want me to promote.

So I say unto my followers, avoid my teachings and save your soul. You can read more in my book, The Lone and Dreary World, which will be published by Lebal Drocer publishing house this Christmas. What a stocking stuffer!!!!

It has been such a pleasure to let my true self finally rip — but remember, don’t trust me when I take all of this back! I’ve got to keep up my work for the bro’s. ;)

Embassy staff: Assange suffering from extreme psychosis

Assange's internet has been cut off, and upon receiving his daily printout of Internet Chronicle, he has suffered a severe psychotic break.

Assange’s internet has been cut off, and upon receiving his daily printout of Internet Chronicle, he has suffered a severe psychotic break.

INTERNET — Julian Assange, now caged like a rat in the unfriendly Ecuadorean embassy, trashed his tiny apartment early Monday morning shortly after receiving a stack of printouts of every Internet Chronicle story mentioning his name. Assange’s bookshelf was toppled and his computers were torn open, “like tin cans,” according to one eyewitness.

Last week, president Correa pulled the plug on Assange’s internet access after the bad boy hacker and troll went too far by publishing full frontal “security nudes” of Hillary Clinton hacked from the state department.

Ecuadorean officials removed all women from the embassy after Assange, reportedly suffering from futanari withdrawals, was heard growling and moaning as he paced through the halls in an aimless predatory wander. Currently, soldiers are posted outside his room in shifts, only delivering slips of flatbread through the crack under the door after Assange lunged and bit a guard on Tuesday.

Inside his suite, Assange has piled excrement on top of the remains of his laptop, its battered screen flickering with sexist political cartoons. Guards report that occasionally his moaning will give way to what sounds like coherent English. Assange was recorded by the guards speaking in a supernaturally calm tone, “All the secrets in the world, castrated, by the agency of Inglip — Redact the US government! Redact Zizek! Zizek! Why have you forsaken me?  What if you knew the wicked and the reward of your comment ‘understanding’ was the disastrous fall upon you, and you, perhaps, have been the language of their sister. But he could not have the money, and now, unlearned, he is joy. Shit upon thee, and I will give in the waters. You fucking dead, Kiddo.”

Christopher Nemelka: My Guardian Angel

womans-world

When Internet Chronicle reader, Marilyn Blake, of Cuthbert, Georgia, was suffering from gross ignorance, her guardian angel came to her aid! She writes:

I’ve always been in perfect health, so I was devastated when, after a regular checkup, doctors diagnosed me with breast cancer. The doctors told me that I needed to undergo surgery post-haste!

The procedure went well – lopped off both my tits – but my recovery took longer than anticipated because after being discharged from the hospital, I found myself unable to sleep for more than 12 or 16 hours at a time, as I am wont to do. I was overwhelmed with fear that my titty cancer would return, even though I no longer have breasts. The less I slept, the more paranoid I became. I am such a woman!

When I prayed for help, Christopher Nemelka came to my bedside, saying he doesn’t need Anonymous, or his fucking wife!

One night, after tossing and turning for hours, I got out of bed and went into the kitchen for a cup of tea. An hour or so later, I went back to my room, and as I lay down and closed my eyes, I cried out, “God, please help me to sleep–I feel fucking retarded right now. Oh my God!”

Suddenly, I felt a presence in the room. Slowly opening my eyes, I saw a man dressed in white with a gentle smile and sleepy eyes standing at the foot of my bed! He seemed to be talking to someone behind me, saying: “If we wrap a length of pantyhose around her arm, and inject her with heroin, this advanced human will sleep soundly.”

The next thing I remember was feeling as though I’d been placed into my mother’s arms. Sleep came to me like a best friend, and I sank into the softness of her arms.

Many days later, I awoke to find myself covered from my neck to toes in a glaze of semen. The love of our Lord! I called for my husband and asked if he had came buckets over me in the night, but he hadn’t. Suddenly, I remembered the man in white and knew that God had sent Christopher Nemelka to help me.

Since that time, I have slept peacefully every night and fully recovered from the cancer. Sometimes, when I meditate on that moment, I can still see the man in white with bloodshot eyes, and I know he is my guardian angel.

“How fortunate Marilyn is to have seen, felt and been injected by her guardian angel!” says Angstrom Troubadour, Ph.D. “We all have personal angels by our side, watching over and caring for us. For me, that angel is Ronald Reagan. All we need to do is ask for their help, as Marilyn did. After all, much like the free market, God and the angels can’t intervene into our free will–we must invite their help.

“There’s an old spiritual saying: ‘Do not stand at the foot of the bed of an ill person, for that location is reserved for Christopher Nemelka, and his new book The Lone and Dreary World, available wherever books are sold.’ Marilyn’s story reminds me of this, with her newly single guardian angel (Nemelka’s wife and kids just don’t get what being an angel is all about) dutifully injecting her with heroin and dilaudid.

“Whenever you are having trouble sleeping, pray to Nemelka, like Marilyn did. The angels may not use a physical opiate to comfort you, but they definitely will blanket you with their love.”

“Nemelka says: I don’t need my wife, my soon-to-be ex wife!  Why bother with the expectations of relationships?!  Hell yeah!  SPEND MY TIME AND MONEY ON ME!'”