What a prick.
1. The Computer Virus was Programmed in ‘Oriental’ – OK, I’m no expert in Chinese, Japanese, Cantenese or English, but I know what North Korean programming looks like when I see it. After reviewing the source code and reading the emails, I’ve come to the conclusion that this is a purely North Korean mission. Now’s the time to ask yourself, do you know what North Korean programming looks like? Doubt it.
2. “The Assassination” wasn’t even that good – I know what you’re all thinking: “Alright, now she’s gone too far.” Well, I haven’t. It’s Canadian and therefore, by virtue, completely UnAmerican. Sony owed Joe Frasier a favor for helping them cover up the creation of the greatest game of all time.
3. Paul “isn’t” dead – Do you remember the first The Beatles song you ever heard? Do you remember it backwards? Experts say you are 10 times more likely to believe DPRK did Sony if you remember your first The Beatles song backwards than you do forwards. Keep that in mind next time you put on the “Layla and Other Assorted Love Songs” album.
5. Chandler Bing was only speaking in metaphors – Throughout the entirety of S02E07 and S04E03. If taken Literally, one may believe that Chandler really wanted to have sex with Monica, however he instead spun us through a North Korean ‘Virtual’ Mind Maze of Ruby version management. He foresaw the future, which is a lot less than we can say for Yukihiro Matsumoto, who chose to betray Rachel(Perl) and buddy up with Joey(stupid fucking spec folders in Ruby, who cares), the fallout being catastrophic, resulting in the whole gang going to prison for violating the Good Samaritan Law.
All five points lead directly to eternal hell and damnation. No… there mustn’t be any melancholy. This is America. This is Christmas.
This is War.
Jack Black is Dead
HOLLYWOOD — Jack Black, comedic actor, died Monday evening after suffering a severe stroke at the age of 45. Fans mourn the loss of Jack Black and suspect his death was related to overindulgence in candy over several decades.
Black was rumored to have rented out a candy store where he was granted 24-hour permission to do anything he wanted inside. Fans said Black drew the shades, and emerged in the middle of the night, unable to speak or see. He died shortly thereafter.
Black’s estate will be disbursed and charitably donated to SETI, the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence.
Sony source says US Government financed Hollywood flop film ‘The Interview’
In a sudden and perfunctory turn of events, information obtained from a high-ranking source inside Sony appears to corroborate allegations made by North Korean leadership, saying that the US Government may have played a “large role” in financing the James Franco-Seth Rogen Hollywood shovel-film “The Interview.”
The source, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the government knew North Korea’s plans for a free, public internet were underway before production of the film began. The film’s release would have coincided with the completion of a North Korean internet infrastructure, he said, threatening Kim Jong Un’s nationwide reputation of benevolence and invincibility.
Our source said invoices paid out to Sony were repeatedly stamped with a signature Department of Defense seal and label. The sources said one document was even notarized by a certified California notary.
In the wake of the scandal, the Supreme Leader of North Korea has once again threatened to go to war on the United States after publishing their own official accusations that the government singlehandedly created the film. Un said the US Government created “The Interview” to discredit his benevolent regime, and build public support around a DDoS attack on the free, public internet infrastructure he graciously provided to his people.
The official website of the DPRK published a second denial of their involvement in the attack on Sony’s hilariously underprotected servers. However, in a separate interview, a source inside Sony said the nature of the attack suggests the breach must have come “from within,” adding that the attack would have to be an inside job because of the security system’s reliance on biometrics before access to any information would be made available – even to a hacker – encrypted or otherwise.
The Sony hack very likely was an inside job.
“The DPRK has already launched the toughest counteraction. Nothing is more serious miscalculation than guessing that just a single movie production company is the target of this counteraction. Our target is all the citadels of the US imperialists who earned the bitterest grudge of all Koreans.
Kim Jong Un said his “robust” army of 1.2 million “bloodthirsty” warriors is chomping at the bit to attack the monolithic institutions dictating American hegemony, but Sony is fortunately not on that list.
China, an all-too-poignant mediator in the dispute, described the hacking as “unfortunate,” adding that a digital security breach is a serious issue (they should know), but later said “The Interview” was “tasteless” and “nothing to be proud of.” Considering the movie is a late-2014 rushed-to-Christmas meme-generator acted out by an aging, same-character-in-every-movie Seth Rogen, China is probably not far off the mark. Sony now seems to acknowledge the film is so unwatchable they are refusing to even sully their own Crackle video streaming site with it.
Meanwhile, Kim Jong Un’s internet throughout North Korea is in disarray, and a radical activist group is threatening to airdrop DVDs of “The Interview” on the hungry, destitute and impoverished people of Pyongyang. Perhaps they could drop some food and water, too – and while they’re at it – a DVD player.
Anonymous, led from a federal prison by Barrett Brown, are also threatening to release the film by Christmas if Sony does not.
Visualization of ObamaSec’s cyberwar on North Korea
INTERNET — A previously unknown hacker group, ObamaSec (short for Obama Security), posted a press release Monday taking credit for downing North Korea’s internet infrastructure in retaliation for their hack of Sony pictures. The release stated, “Proud American citizens were denied their right to a comedic and economy stimulating movie, and this is an intolerable act of aggression.” ObamaSec added, “At least 9,000 jobs have been lost as a result of North Korea’s all-out offensive on Sony Pictures,” and ObamaSec promised to keep North Korea offline until they released South Korean Starcraft star Taeja. EDIT: Taeja has confirmed he is not, in fact, in North Korean Custody.
In the release entitled, “North Korea Gets Barekt,” patriotic American hackers led by the notorious computer savant, th3j35t3r, also gloated over their defeat of North Korean “savages.” Using a sophisticated tool known only as XerXes, ObamaSec was able to overload the memory circuits of computers responsible for controlling the data flow in and out of the pariah nation.
ObamaSec hacker th3j35t3r has a history of right wing ideology and may be using the president’s name as an ironic jab at Obama’s intransigence to the North Korean attack on America. As is common in press releases from hackers, ObamaSec’s statements cannot be taken at face value as they are generally loaded with a hefty dose of trolling. Hacker expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador told reporters, “It is quite likely that ObamaSec is a front organization for the US government or one of its allies, so that no one has to take credit for the attack.”
This young woman’s gender has been wiped away by the Guy Fawkes mask and turned totally androgynous.
INTERNET — At The Strand book store in New York, artist Molly Crabapple asked questions of Biella Coleman, author of Hacker, Hoaxer, Whistleblower, Spy: The Story of Anonymous, but when she was done asking questions a haughty and verbose man from Saint Francis College stood up to ask the question of a lifetime, exaggeratedly mocking the know-it-all modality employed by academia: “You showed a forum post on 4chan . . . that featured you being banned over exposing your studies on the organization. And they gave you titles . . . [which] seemed very androgynous . . . Do you think it’s in that androgynous point of view where men have always been on the internet whereas women are coming into the fold and so on and so forth — addressing that trope, that sort of taboo?” The word androgynous rolled off his tongue gleefully and he snarled while emphasizing the word taboo, and the friction in the room at the moment of impact could’ve burnt down at least ten barns full of priceless antiques.
“Oh, you mean sexist?” Biella Coleman neutered the Reptilian GamerGator on the spot, and a moment of raucous laughter somehow occurred at the tense interview. Even Molly Crabapple, gripping her gigantic leather chair and rigidly extending her spine emitted a small, tender sound of joy.
Dearborn, MI — In a Post-Sony-9/11 world, sometimes Great Leaders have to take drastic measures in order to save our freedom. The once glorious and proud industrial nation of Detroit, home to Ford Motor Company, is nothing more than a large “Urban Garden” and collection of “Urban Decay” Flickr photo albums. Until now.
In what some are saying is simply an “effort to save face,” Kim Jong Un has purchased Ford Motor Company to hopefully bolster the United States’ torn and frayed economy. Considering the United States already owes China trillions of rubles in back taxes, Un was happy to pony up the funds necessary to keep Detroit afloat. Are there big collaborative plans for a prosperous partnership on the horizon or is this all just a smoke screen, a mind-trap for the upcoming memetic Cyber War?
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, a finance minor at Ball State and the Internet Chronicle’s Own Boy, believes Un was simply exercising his financial strength as a show of force. “Kim Jong Un is just buying low and selling high, baby,” Troubador says, referring to the timeless Wall Street idiom. He added, “it’s the American way, and I support that.”
President Obama was too preoccupied with hysterical vine clips to comment.
NORTH KOREA, Korea — Game theorist and Glorious Leader Kim Jung Un announced via a series of Vine videos today that North Korea was not involved with the Sony hack and provided an alibi that will shock the world far more than Joe Rogan and James Flaccos film “The Assassination.” An obviously pumped up Un appeared on his 3MP webcam to proclaim he has been spending the past 3 months on his human futon reading the well documented Sega Genesis’ version of the Game Genie in an effort to find the fabled “Master Code.” In the second vine he proclaims he found the code and is reverse engineering the “Sonic and Knuckles” cheat code known as the “orbital jump for knuckles,” as it holds the keys to bypassing every checksum in every game, even games with PunkBuster.
In a haze of artificial smoke and pyrotechnics, Un appeared for a third vine to say he had obtained the knowledge to bypass every checksum there is. The short clip ended with Un saying that the FBI should “quit givin’ me the business,” and focus on Rogan and Flaccos egregiously terrible films. The supreme leader appeared in a final vine wearing only a spaghetti stained tracksuit and Google Glass, shouting maniacally that “EURO TRUCK SIMULATOR 2 WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!”
Edit: Tor has just been stolen by the FBI as an Act of War, according to our source at the library who really likes Sun Tzu.
Some that have suggested the Darknet isn’t so Dark have ignited a controversy causing a spate of vicious doxings and e-torture
INTERNET — Activism for a free and democratic internet took a grim detour this week as developers of the anonymizing Tor network defended their military funding amid a conflagration of hateful doxing, harassment, and namecalling. These abuse tactics were deployed by the most cold and efficient bloggers on both sides, and the TorProject signed a document declaring itself the new harassment authority and promised not to tolerate it for another second. GreenPeace activists placed a banner over the Nazca lines, calling on help from aliens because they have lost all hope in humanity’s essential goodness.
Shrouded in secrecy and under the cover of darkness, Tor weapons manufacturers are regularly paid six figure incomes directly from the US military, earning princely sums for training US-backed revolutionary movements in the use of Tor. The developers also teach governments friendly to the US to deanonymize Tor so that they can more easily maintain their power. Then, with the first morning light, Tor weapons manufacturers don the rebellious mask of Anonymous and pretend to wage war against the evil US military industrial intelligence complex, perhaps to further draw targets into their manifold traps. YourAnonNews, a Twitter account operated by several of the pseudo-activist weapons engineers at Tor, as well as propaganda agents planted by Rupert Murdoch, has issued threats and called for mob violence against vocal critics of Tor at Pando Daily.
Deeply entrenched in the whitest of white privilege and proud of it, Quinn Norton writes that the Tor weapons manufacturers are more akin to mathematically determined robots and therefore entirely outside the realm of ethical concern — but those who are concerned at least should be more polite so that the big fuss can be put to rest as a simple error in addition. Quinn asserts the only true issue at hand is a startling lack of politeness. Tor developer and confirmed contributor to YourAnonNews, Puella Vulnerata (latin for injured girl), doxed several of Tor’s critics in a frothing rage and is now being targeted by so-called GamerGators, a lizard-like male supremacy movement that preys on any weakness in women with gang e-assaults. While the TorProject has not acknowledged their secret and controversial pseudo-activist weapons manufacturing program for the US military, they have calmly transcended the impolite controversy and now boldly stand united with feminists in opposition to GamerGators.
Anonymous leader Barrett Brown is serving two years in prison for revealing America’s possession of a Weapon of Mass Manipulation (WMM) propaganda “atom bomb” known as Metal Gear
CYBERSPACE — Tens of thousands of protesters across America taking part in the Black Lives Matter movement were declared a threat to homeland security and emergency propaganda tools previously deemed suitable only for foreign combat zones have been deployed on Americans by the US Navy, affecting social networks everywhere. Metal Gear is a sophisticated apparatus controlling tens of millions of fake social media profiles and manned by Aaron Barr, perpetual enemy of Anonymous and powerful neoliberal hacker. Anonymous discovered Metal Gear after Barrett Brown phoned Barr’s email provider and asked for permission to access his top-secret cyberweapons.
Aaron Barr personally triggered off viral awareness of Bill Cosby’s well-known history of rape, injecting a suppressed and terrible story about white America’s most beloved black figure into mass consciousness at a pivotal moment that would define white hatred for the Black Lives Matter movement. Weapons of Mass Manipulation (WMM) were thought to only be in the hands of professional armies, but thanks to the investigation of Brown, we now know they are not only being deployed to harm civil rights activists, but also to push products for Apple and Carl’s Junior.
Brown is also facing time for angrily threatening to “look into” the life of an FBI agent’s children in a youtube video, which media theorists speculate could have been triggered by advanced manipulations of the output of Brown’s personal computer in an effectively automated gaslighting process intended to drive him insane. Despite this, Brown plead guilty to the threats.
A Vice owned and operated “Anonymous” brand twitter account perversely called for a boycott of Vice
PERVERSITY — Saturday afternoon YourAnonNews, one of the most popular Anonymous-themed twitter accounts, shared advice on how to boycott Vice after Sabu, the infamous traitor and former leader of Anonymous, was seen partying at Vice’s 20th anniversary party. It is well known that YourAnonNews is in fact owned and operated by Vice, a company that exploits its workers and is partially owned by media mogul Rupert Murdoch.
Young journalists across the world aspire to write for the hip and trendy media company, but the powers behind the scenes at Vice are rarely seen or criticized. A strange pretzel has twisted in on itself in an elegant fashion: While Vice parties in lavish style with Sabu, the turncoat responsible for arresting the nexus of hackers that animated much of the early growth of Anonymous, it also calls for its own boycott.