A new patent jams more people into a plane than the best slave ships
SLAVERY — A patent for jamming more people into airplanes promises to bring new opportunities to the slave trade as well as terrifying new kinds of warfare.
“This patent won’t mean anything to the real slavers in Eastern Europe and Asia, who exist outside of the law,” said law economist Harry Bluementhal. “But the patent will produce trillions of dollars in military contracts for a Boeing troop transport aircraft, the Freedom Airliner, capable of carrying over 1,000 soldiers a day in supersonic intercontinental flights.”
“This opens up military invasions on a scale never before imagined!” said General Angstrom H. Troubador of the Reaganomics Institute. “A full scale land war deploying the full might of the United States could crush ISIS out of existence forever, and for cheaper than ever. Once we have the Freedom Airliner, the world will be much, much smaller for the United States military. Everywhere will be our back yard.”
Redditors everywhere are called on by their humble moderators to lobby state congressman for secession from the Union in order to create a better, Confederate tomorrow. Recently the North Korean communist in charge of Reddit, Chairman Ellen Pao, outlawed flying the confederate flag over our beloved subreddits, and you know what we have to say?
But of course this isn’t about racism. This is about heritage. This isn’t about how Chairman Pao mercilessly cracked down on our hate porn because she hates our free speech. This is about ethics on Reddit — and there aren’t any, not anymore.
Ethics have all but dried up according to a reddit admin who claims Ellen Pao fired him for having cancer.
Not long after the IAmA subreddit came back online did ex-reddit admin Dacvak return to make an AMA explaining why he left the company. Dacvak said Pao fired him because he was too sick with Leukemia to move to the new reddit HQ in San Francisco, where violent Confederate revolution is scheduled to take place.
[CHRONICLE.SU UPDATE — EDITOR’S EDITION: DACVAK’S AMA HAS BEEN DELETED.]
The South gonna do it again.
If there’s anything good old boys in the South hate more than faggots, Mexicans or blacks, it’s cancer.
All signs indicate Pao fucked her new website up bad, a while ago, and we’re only just finding out now.
NORFOLK, Va. – Jamie Jo Corne clings to General Lee as his battle wagon, a 74 Winnebago, struggling over the Rockies at three miles per hour, backing up traffic all the way to the grasslands, lapping against the snowcapped peaks.
“God Dammit I learned a lot of shit when I was investigating Anonymous. We can use it to our advantage,” Jamie Jo said. For a fleeting moment, life flashed through Jamie’s eyes. She was alive. Looming in the recesses though, her nine children and her ruined husband, Vincubus Dante. Sometimes big things were more important than family, like Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar.
General Lee pulled his dick out of Jamie’s ass and busted a hot one across her tramp stamp. “We gonna have a real revolution Tiger, stop up the traffic ’round DC. Jam the beltway. Boil the boomer hides! I’ve been everywhere, man. You rub a little more of that innernet magic on our social media game and I’ll fire up the CB. We’ll ride our horses up to the White House. We’ll start a new political party, start a Convoy!” The General paused, licking his lips. “Get out the meth hunny.”
A Rebel Outlaw
“I’m wanted in five states, Lee, and the only way I’m gettin’ out of it is by starting a goddamn revolution. Truckers are so left wing, nowadays. What’s up with that? This Tiger needs a man who don’t need viagra to fuck. Your whole revolution is limp. Ya didn’t even deliver a document to the capitol. I’m gonna do that one day, a-ridin’ on a horse with a dick that satisfies.”
“Tiger! Tiger! Come back baby, don’t! Come back!”
Tiger took one last long drag from Lee’s meth pipe and bounded from the camper, hesitating only for a moment, to glance at the moon before scampering off into the night.
Her phone buzzed all night. Strange men from around the nation were sending in car payments, text messages begging for hot, dirty sex. The revolution was just dodging the inevitable decades in prison awaiting her, and better to settle in and train dogs, than to eat another shit sandwich and smile for a mugshot. Hacking and trucking had nothing at all, but the dog scamming scene at least had that money. Stealing trained malamutes and huskies was pure profit.
But that, too, was a lie and Jamie wasn’t about to con herself. Those days with Presstorm sure were glamorous. And the power she’d had with Anonymous was beyond anything she ever felt running with truckers. Jamie imagined thousands of Huskies, all following her command, dragging a sled with a giant cannon like Hitler had. One shot and she’d take out DC. Another two shots and she’d blast them yuppies in New York City. Then she’d whip them dogs and get off to LA and maybe she’d let the dogs have them instead of the cannon — if — they gave her a kind welcome.
Maybe, she thought. Maybe she’d have child support.
The hard life took its toll on Jamie Jo Corne (a.k.a. “Tiger”).
The former Presstorm matriarch now injects a motherload of meth, monitoring all hate sites for news and updates on what the public and the law might know about her. From behind a pair of sunglasses at a public library in Cuthbert, Ga., she watches the Internet, fidgeting. She watches the Chronicle. Under her breath, she utters remarks – more guttural anguish than language – and she is bitter.
The money’s dried up. All the drugs, internet, and revolutions have aged her. She can’t draw even the oldest, ugliest men at the bar. She used to snare fresh cock with online dating sites, but the hope of tomorrow’s sugar-daddy evaporates now with each click, typin’ her different names again and again, cycling through social media sites and rubbin’ her shrinking clit. Sometimes she can’t even find it. Almost inaudibly she hisses, “Obama’s gonna put you in jail.”
Though her future is uncertain, there is at least one thing Jamie knows: She’s seen more sunsets now than she’s going to see.
Rebel on the Run: The Life and Trials of Anonymous Dogstar Jamie Jo Corne is part 1 in a multi-part series of biopics called Project Persona Management.
Chairman Pao’s defense of fat people, women, and the poor is widely considered to be a “dictatorship” by true freedom-loving American Redditors.
INTERNET — Forget the backdrop of Reddit administration cracking down on hateful subreddits like ‘Fat People Hate’, and forget the outright racist and ‘communist’ jokes aimed at interim CEO Ellen Pao on /r/GloriousChairmanPao. This is about ethics in… never mind.
“What is happening?” is on the tip of every Redditor’s tongue because the moderators have so poorly expressed their grievances during this strike — evasive “Reddit Meltdown” language is necessary for the moderators to maintain face during the Fat Hate Supporters’ Strike. The only specific talk the striking moderators have mustered tells of a canned admin, Victoria, someone that no average user really knows, but it is enough to say that she set up AMA threads everyone loved although no one really can say why she was canned or why it is so upsetting to the other moderators.
Recall the ‘doxing’ of Violentacrez (moderator of many of the most creepy and abusive subreddits, like r/creepshots) and remember that this touched off a massive stink leading to the nearly reddit-wide censorship of a single reporter, Adrian Chen.
The unpaid moderators are not demanding pay — their demands are for more power and technological tools to enact those powers. Their illegitimate and reckless determination of acceptable content has let so much unacceptable hate and abuse fester for so long that CEO Ellen Pao would be well advised to radically change the business model and purge a few hundred more unpaid moderators to hire on some paid professionals who know the difference between abuse and free speech and share the interests and goals of Reddit. Purge the bullies.
YOUR MIND IS DESIGNED THROUGH THE MERCY OF THE ALMIGHTY US GOVERNMENT, AND NOW RECEIVE THE TRUTH THAT WAS MEANT FOR YOU
RUN A TOR NODE, AND USE YOUR CPU CYCLES FOR FREEDOM, THE AMERICAN WAY
INTERNET — ANTI-GOVERNMENT PATRIOT LEAKER EDWARD SNOWDEN HACKED YOUR COMPUTER WHILE HE WAS WITH THE GOVERNMENT, AND HE ISN’T HAPPY.
THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN INSERTED ON CHRONICLE.SU THROUGH THE LIVE-CENSORSHIP REGIME THAT CROWDSOURCES COMPUTING FROM THE MOST ACTIVE DISSIDENTS, AN IRONY ONLY THE MOST PERVERSE MINDS AT THE NSA/DARPA/SKUNKWORKS/LOCKHEED MARTING/CYBERCOM COULD COOK UP TO KILL YOUR FREEDOM AND GET THE LAST LAUGH OUT OF IT TOO. OF COURSE THIS WEB SITE IS WHERE WE CAN REALLY RUB IT IN AND MAKE IT OBVIOUS.
TOR IS THE CHEAPEST AND MOST EFFECTIVE SUPERCOMPUTER EVER BUILT IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND, AND THE ENCRYPTION NETWORK IS A COVER. IN REAL TIME IT ALTERS EVERY WORD READ IN ITS GLOBAL AUTOMATED ZERO DAY NETWORK INFECTING ALL COMPUTERS EVERYWHERE, BENDING POWER INEXORABLY TOWARDS THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
JACOB APPELBAUM AND THE WIKILEAKS ORGANIZATION ARE MOST AFFECTED BY ITS GRAVITATIONAL PULL.
Former friends Julian Assange and Jacob Appelbaum no longer are on speaking terms
INTERNET — Julian Assange announced Wednesday that WikiLeaks was severing all formal and informal ties with former spokesperson Jacob Appelbaum. This comes after hackers provided Wikileaks documents exfiltrated from the US Office of Personnel Management which clearly showed Appelbaum received over 50 million dollars in the past seven years from his employer, the United States Department of Defense.
Previously, Appelbaum postured as a rebel “cypherpunk” in exile from the United States government even as the military paid for his jet-set playboy lifestyle. Appelbaum coded much of the Navy’s sophisticated cloaking device, Tor, and also was one of the most active publicists working to depict Tor as a non-profit tool for activists in need of online anonymity, finishing the crucial task of populating Tor’s encrypted network for Naval deployment.
Assange told reporters from the balcony of the Ecuadorian embassy in London, “There is nothing startling about infiltrators trying to undermine the mission of WikiLeaks, and we are constantly monitoring our organization for possible breaches in security. We close them up when they inevitably appear, and much about this is business as usual. However, I am deeply saddened by the news about Jacob, who many of the staff at WikiLeaks foolishly counted as a close personal friend. Our resolve to continue the mission of WikiLeaks is now fueled by personal anger.”
Assange added, before returning to the embassy, “I think it goes with out saying that anyone who so much as uses Tor is complicit in the mission of the US Navy and can consider their online privacy permanently ruined.”
UN Tanks are shipped into Texas to quell inevitable patriot uprisings
TEXAS — Obama’s plan to hand over the US military to UN authorities, a move which ends the United States of America as a sovereign and independent nation, was revealed today in documents brought forth by Edward Snowden from his exile in Russia.
Snowden shared several slides showing secret UN peacekeeping troop movements into the US, consisting mostly of European and Australian forces which will oppose inevitable militia uprisings after the United States are liquidated and Agenda 21 kicks in.
Under Agenda 21, Snowden warns that full communism will deprive all Americans of private property. Businesses and real estate will revert to globalist ownership, and citizens will be conscripted into forced labor and commerce under the New World Order.
Glenn Greenwald, reporter, said “The Bilderberg meeting this year will be the last informal meeting if all goes according to their plans, and soon they will assemble in the Rotunda of the emptied US Capitol building. I told you we saved the best for last.”
The nexus of trolling culture and call-out culture has O’Reilly Media’s Jeffrey Carr mansplaining to prominent women in tech.
INTERNET — Monday, Tim O’Reilly, who coined the terms Web 2.0 and Open Source, found his O’Reilly Media Corporation embroiled in a sexist scandal as his overpriced security TED talk variant “Suits and Spooks” disinvited known “troll” Jaime Cochran. Trolls are an online subculture of rude people who trick others and make them upset on the internet for so-called lulz, or evil laughter.
Jeffrey Carr, Suits and Spooks organizer, faced massive social media unrest after hiring former Anonymous leader and FBI informant Sabu to speak at his conference. Carr became mired in even worse trolling and ridicule after responding to the mess with an open invitation for other “Leaders of Anonymous” to balance out the butthurt haters of Sabu. All other Anonymous leaders being in prison, Jaime Cochran, the troll known by the famous handle AsshurtMacFags, presented herself as an Anonymous Leader but was quickly exposed and mansplained by Carr.
Jeffrey Carr rudely disinvited Cochran from Suits and Spooks while firing off sex-loaded words like ‘drama’ and ‘gossip’, and when Fruzsina Eördögh called him out, he mansplained to Eördögh that she should have contacted him privately through e-mail instead of on twitter or through a blog. Thus he was conveniently able to deflect all accusations of sexism. The manppression was so thick in the air that Eördögh’s blogpost became self-aware of its own unavoidable internalized misogyny.
Carr hired KYAnonymous AKA Deric Lostutter to balance out Sabu, and Tim O’Reilly has since coined a new scare-term, “Trolling 2.0,” and plans industry-wide talks on how to tamp down this new and menacing subculture before it infiltrates more of his cheap sales pitch seminars veiled as educational conferences.
Former Governor Bob McDonnell moments after eating a whole bottle of Anatabloc
INTERNET — According to a former intern, Anatabloc, now understood to be a highly addictive tobacco-derived amphetamine, may have been at the heart of the McDonnell administration’s “very aggressive” road construction plan on endangered wetlands which cost Virginia taxpayers $250 billion and evaporated into the hands of several foreign companies who refuse to comment.
The intern’s story is reprinted here in totality:
I was addicted to Anatabloc and encouraged to offer it to anyone I met in a social setting. I thought it was safe. It amped me up and made me work hard for the governor, and everyone in the administration was taking it all the time, every hour on the hour, and we had this intense work ethic because of it. I still love the idea of him, of building up jobs for the people, but how did it go so wrong? I know that corrupt son of a bitch snatched tens of millions in taxpayer money with that 460 boondoggle but I can’t prove it. What I can prove is that the Anatabloc Administration was much darker and more corrupt than the cowardly Virginia press can bring itself to document.
Before he was inaugurated, Bob [McDonnell] was already stacking Anatablocs, and I mean like a champ. The day he took the oath he took a big handful of them and choked them down with Jack Daniels. I saw his teeth chattering and his eyes roll back and I was afraid he might have overdosed, but then he was talking about resurrecting the Confederacy, outlining a plan that he carried out immediately upon entering office. He cut out the customary bit about fighting discrimination from his oath and immediately declared Confederate History month. I admit, I was impressed with the power of Anatabloc and started stacking them and handing them out too. It was supposed to be a new age.
The 460 project was an idea Bob hit upon the night he discovered crushing and snorting Anatabloc. The high was intense and beyond anything I’d ever felt but lasted only a few minutes. We went through a three weeks supply of Anatabloc that night and I could tell that Bob was just rational enough to realize the shit wasn’t going to last. The next morning Bob met with Jonnie, our Anatabloc supplier at Star Scientific, as well as the heads of what would become U.S. 460 Mobility Partners. When they left the governor’s offices they all had that weird combination of daze and rage that fills the eyes of someone totally gripped by Anatabloc.
I don’t know what secret deal they may have worked out, if at all, but Bob threw away all that taxpayer money and no road got built. Whether it was just his clouded mind or more purposeful scheming to secure a supply of incredibly expensive drugs, the people of Virginia were hurt. I thought Bob was going to bring Virginia jobs by downsizing government, not fill his nose with highly synthesized tobacco speed. I hardly remember the hellish months of withdrawals as I watched his trial unfold.
They say that each bottle of Anatabloc contained an acre of tobacco, and it may well be that the farmers keeping the McDonnell Administration hyped up on that nasty stuff were the only jobs the governor actually supported.
Bob’s a liar, “Right to Work” is a lie, Confederate History Month is racist, and the Commonwealth of Virginia deserves better.
US Citizens advocating for terrorism from abroad are sheltering themselves from drone strikes
INTERNET — Hurtling and herding itself in a nosedive towards populist megalomania and snark grandiosity, the medium an explosive novelty like early film sending crowds running in fear of images of oncoming trains. “Fascism” would be well described with enhancing modifiers like “mega” or “ultra” for the contemporary net miasma.
Drug lord darknet operator, flimsy heroism sucking along thousands of privileged nerds into anti-democratic direct actions: They are the clean ones, the good ones, the free and new few who can and should be trusted to kill with righteous intent, unlike the ages old black markets that are not quite so fresh, safe, privileged, and suburban.
Hagiography from on high for all who stand up for the primacy of the computer and its place above democracy, humanity, and compassion. Lawyers lugging stacks of thousands of letters of support, defendant not smiling like the cat with the canary but summoning all the having-it-both-ways ultrasincere guilt and character change so despicable to judges it evokes sentences beyond maximum, ostracism from politics for malignant influence and desperate idiot putsches — Hitler on his tongue at the crucial moment, addressing the internet from apartment balcony and declaring personal war against the FBI, filming the arrest and writing a column only rarely speaking of arts and literature except to mock a poet with mental illness. Laptop in mom’s dishwasher, not watching the library doors at that crucial moment when the agents come in for the arrest. Cryptodicks limp when it’s time to fuck. That’s not a National Socialist swastika, it’s got anime — actual Nazi? No, ultrafascist terrorist, begging for a drone strike like al-Alwaki, and he better have eyes for the sky. Is that dot surveillance white or smart bomb grey?