Roanoke Valley “not happy” about Fidget Spinners

“I’m gonna shank ya’!” Nemelka told reporters. “And I’ll shank beanie babies, I’ll shank Pogs, I’ll shank Babymetal. I just don’t like ANYTHING new anymore.”

INTERNET — The recent toy craze sweeping the nation, Fidget Spinners, are making waves across the nation as children and adults happily spin away. However, there’s big trouble in Roanoke’s Fidget Spinner Scene. After a wave of fidget gang stabbing incidents, local schools banned fidget spinners altogether.

Scowling at the mere mention of a fidget spinner, Joseph S. Nemelka of Roanoke, Virginia, told reporters, “I hate ’em. Just so dumb,” as he flipped his butterfly knife out for the cameras, brandishing it threateningly at one reporter.

“Now here’s a real toy. Or how about a yoyo? I ain’t gonna cut someone with a yoyo. Takes a little bit of skill. But if I see one more fidget spinner –” Mr. Nemelka broke off his speech as he recoiled in abject disgust, accidentally slicing his hand as he clenched what turned out to be an illegal double edged bali-song.

Wielding his fidgey — as the youth have taken to calling their new toys — Gem L. Fetch of Roanoke smiled and winked for cameras. Rolling the toy around his hand in an incomprehensible sleight of hand that took no effort, Fetch conducted his interview like a perfect gentleman. When asked about the crazed butterfly knife gangs stabbing his friends, Fetch said he wasn’t afraid. “They’re always so worked up about nothin’ and cuttin’ themself up like that. They only get us on accident. If you ask me they’re just fidgey heads.”

Joseph S. Nemelka was arrested on the scene for disturbing the peace, possession of a restricted weapon, and attempted assault. Nemelka’s lawyer Hyrum L. Robertson was reached for comment and e-mailed reporters at the Internet Chronicle a single line, “The Fake News Media will pay for its lies, one day!”

BARRON TRUMP ASSASSINATED BY KATHY GRIFFIN

A japanese Zero targets Fukushima Nuclear Plant as the Imperial Japanese Army of WW2 seeks dominion over spacetime

Rosie’s rivets held together as Amelia Earhart jammed the controls forward, tipping her Electra into an evasive dive as the Japanese Zero ripped through a hole in spacetime, firing its 20mm cannon projectile which tumbled on the edge of the cockpit and evaporated Fred Noonan.

The wreckage of the Electra would be combed over by Japanese engineers who faithfully reproduced its light economy in designing the devestating Zero fighter. A little-known and barely published scientist, the late Dr. Yoshiko Irakawa, had at the turn of the century designed a powerful spacetime zipper through which future technologies would be repeatedly stolen over the course of seven centuries, enabling the global dominion of future Japanese people over the entire planet.

“That’s smart,” said Barron Trump Jr., Energy Czar of the Japanese Mineral Concern of North America. “Grab Amelia by the Pussy! …And to the Fake Vandals, painting images of Rosie the Riveter…” The music on the 1984 machine controlled your mind, “You’re Fired!”

All the women in North America, even Ivanka and Melania Junior, were then sent to a horrible concentration camp and forced to wear the full Islamic veil, just as the Liberals always wanted. Then they were repeatedly inseminated and forced to abort in an attempt to harvest the rape hormones for sale as a masturbation aid for the remaining men. Shower chemicals melted away everything but the sex organs, which were then marketed on Babymaker, an app hailed as the Uber of Men Goin’ Their Own Way, ushering in a world composed of a single gender — yet totally nohomo.

Barron Trump Junior fell in the ground in paroxysms, triggered, as hackers forced his computer to display Kathy Griffin holding the beheaded Trump I, patriarch and maker of the Dank New World. How did she murder Daddy? The Irakawa Zipped open and Kathy Griffin sliced off Barron Trump Jr.’s head and poured gasoline all over the oval office. Before the time zipper closed, Kathy Griffin kissed her bicep and winked for an audience that wasn’t there.

Man who recently appeared from another universe now ‘freaking everybody out’

Richmond — A Virginia man calling himself the Leader of Hellish Realms Too Terrible to Know, has claimed responsibility for the virgin pregnancies of more than 40 women and girls in the mountainous regions surrounding the isolationist Roanoke Valley.

Internet Chronicle readers should be on high alert for shape-shifters and ‘men with swirling faces, nondescript features, or indiscernible outlines.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Paranormal Investigator

The 1,342,227-year-old prophet’s identity is still largely unknown, but many of the girls say they were visited in the night by a man with a swirling, mutating face, calling himself Alistair Robin Rowntree.

“My curtains were blowing in the wind one night,” said Mary Taylors, a 17-year-old Cave Spring High School junior living on Poor Mountain. “But my windows was closed.”

That’s when Mary noticed twisting shadows creeping along her wall resembled a man planting sprouting, living and exploding cities behind in his footprints. She said the shadows took the form of a man, tall and slender in physique and with a swirling galaxy in fast-forward for a face.

 

“He was destroying planets with those beautiful, green beams of pure light energy that shoot outta where his eyes should be,” Mary said. “And then he looked at me. And now I’m pregnant.”

Mary said her vision and awareness became joined as one with the universe, as the ceiling lit up with the radiating  intensity of a blazing lazer show of intergalactic cosmic warfare.

Alistair told me this was our future, but he spoke in the past tense. He said there is a coming war for control over the gamma ray bursts from our galactic core. He said there are starfaring civilizations that want to harness ridiculous, inexplicable power. And then he fuckin’ said it is already over. So I don’t know.

Ellen Airy, a 20-year-old virgin from Iowa, is bedridden with immutable depression. But Airy said she awoke in the middle of the night to the apparition of a tall man standing over her in the darkness. And yet when she turned on the lamp at her bedside, only darkness remained where the man had been standing.

“I saw stars in the void,” Airy said. “All around where he stood, was my room, and my desk, and an easel where I paint. But an impression lingered of his presence. It felt like a dark and looming presence, you know? But I could see it, I saw stars, and cosmic events, like stars exploding near the event horizons of black holes, supernovae and heat death. It was fucked up. I know.”

Airy said the darkness beckoned her closer.

“I stood up out of bed. I was sticky from sweat and I walked over to him,” Airy said. “I could almost see him in my mind. I envisioned him with gray hair, a stubbly beard and black eyes. And as I got closer I looked deeper into his eyes – and the galactic swarm in his face evolved faster the closer I got – and he kissed me. Our mouths exploded into brilliant white light. Then he was gone. And now I’m pregnant.”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Paranormal Investigator and field expert, says readers should be on high alert for shapeshifters and ‘men with swirling faces, nondescript features, or indiscernible outlines.”

Troubadour says these figures are known to operate without regard for the governing physical laws of our realm and outside our current theoretical models.

“So it was especially terrifying when Alistair arrived here on some kind of Lebal Drocer RingGo Stargate and, as far as I’m concerned, he can leave on it, too,” Troubadour said through gnashed teeth, revealed in an expression of wide-eyed shock and horror. “These godless wanderers of time and space come to OUR realm, rewrite OUR future histories, and inexplicably IMPREGNATE OUR WOMEN. I thought Trump was supposed to fix all this.”

Dr. Troubadour, who recently became the world’s first pregnant male real doctor, is rapidly outpacing the gestation period for a healthy human fetus, and looks “about ready to bust open” with a brood of unknown terrors, already seen percolating beneath the dermis. Terrors, he says, from another world.

“Or perhaps terrors from within,” Troubadour said.

Watch the nightmare unfold Fridays at 8 on NBC, after Access Hollywood at 7:30.


Tonight’s gripping witness to the unfolding of future nightmares is brought to you graciously by LEBAL, DROCER, INC. WE OWN EVERYTHING IN THE KNOWN REALMS

Readers: Has a man contacted you from another universe? If you see something, say something to the Internet Chronicle Inter-Dimensional tip-line: +1 (917) 675-4836

text to tuRn yoU iNside out And aWAken Yawning beasts

A horror: You meet your dead friend and demand to know why she left you. You beat on her elbows and arms and shake her around, but she needs a cigarette. This is too much. She ignores your pleading questions from the other room, and you’re left wondering if she came back at all, or if she was ever really gone. Or, if that isn’t her in the other room then who, or what, is it?

You cry betrayal but, screaming backwards, praise the darkness as it pulls you in closer. And deeper.

An explosion of dense hate rips you apart as you cross the event horizon in ever-condensing segments. Your consciousness is reduced to a dull stream of atoms by the witches who occupy a brown dollhouse in the cobwebbed cabinets of your mind, which sit high upon a dusty shelf in the back of a barn, where the electric company forgot to come turn off the lights.

You grind your teeth as the witches draw closer, blurring your vision and vibrating your numb, tingling arms, stretched out in front of you, hopelessly deflecting their malignant stares. They swarm you and stab, and cackle and scream, as their scalpels part your belly like a virgin cunt. A woman is chewing on your ear, drowning out your screams with whispered secrets you couldn’t admit to on a deathbed, in a confessional, in an abandoned cathedral surrounded by a murder of black-eyed crows, that has already begun to pick your skeleton clean.

A withered hand reaches out of your guts and pulls out your tongue, slicing it off with yellowed nails at the base. You are asked to say the alphabet backwards and dance for the pleasure of pigs in the high-beam intensity of a callous judge’s eyes. Guilty.

From the other room, a trial unfolds and a jury agrees to hang you upside down, and let your blood drain out through the ears and the eyes. The witches return and, by their orgasmic moaning, you hear the sound of your spinal cord snapping, and your brain stem filling with blood. A yawning beast on the floor kisses your lips with her tongue and drinks the weeping viscera, ounce for ounce, letting not a drop sully her bed on the dirty hardwood floor. Her tongue snakes into your mouth, your throat, and your stomach. She winds her way through yards of intestine, to the guts and the anus, filling your person with the sensation of writhing maggots and worms. And in an instant – in one sharp flick of the tongue – your veins, organs and muscle flash into view, and the witches withdraw. You got too close. Get back. Get back and leave the barn now, while you still can. Get out. Don’t think of the dollhouse. Get out now. Ignore their cries, don’t look at it. Get out.

Stsaeb gninway nekawa dna RuN AWAY.txt

Man resorts to nearby public toilet as roommate begins shower

NEW YORK– A desperate man stood in the interior hallway of his Brooklyn home Thursday, waiting impatiently to use the bathroom.

“I was standing there a good five minutes, staring at the strip of light shining through the door jam,” Mark Allen, 26, told reporters in front of Tony’s Pizzeria on Manhattan Avenue. “That’s when I heard the shower.”

Allen said Janet, the hostess, eyed him suspiciously as he entered the empty restaurant at 10 a.m. and walked past her to the restroom.

“People are constantly coming in off the street and asking to use our restroom,” Janet said. “As soon as Mark walked in, I knew what he was up to. He said hello to me in a fake pleasant tone, and walked right past my station.”

Janet’s irritated demeanor told Allen his presence in the establishment was not welcome, and he began to feel guilty. Allen was determined to justify himself.

“I made it to the bathroom, and locked the door, so I had time to think,” Allen said. “I hadn’t eaten anything yet, having only just crawled out of bed, so while I was sitting there, doing my business, I thought, ‘I’ll prove that bitch wrong. Shoot me a dirty look, will she?’ Why, as soon I exit this bathroom, I’ll buy a slice a pizza while I’m here. That’ll show her!”

Without looking in Janet’s direction, Allen said he got in line for pizza, and ordered two slices of pepperoni, and a Coke. As he paid, he glanced over to Janet, who hung her head in embarrassment.

“I really thought he just wanted to use the bathroom like a common bum,” Janet said. “But it turns out I’m the asshole. Mark is a paying customer, and had every right to shit in our toilet. I really need to keep my prejudice in check.”

Sean Hannity Dead at 55

INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of conservative pundit Sean Hannity who was found dead in a Fox News bathroom Wednesday evening. Coworkers reportedly found Hannity’s naked body “mummified” with Fentanyl, a transdermal opiate patch. Authorities confirmed the talk radio superstar died from the resulting drug overdose after applying seventy five of the slow-release painkiller patches.

Hannity’s death came just minutes after disciplinary action from Fox News executives. The talk show host refused to back down from reporting a bogus story claiming Hillary Clinton hired a hit man to kill alleged email leaker Seth Rich. Fox News lost nearly 300 million dollars in advertising deals this afternoon, after Rich’s family begged Hannity to stop spreading unfounded conspiracy theories about his murder.

Long time Hannity frenemy, Rush Limbaugh, told listeners Hannity picked up the nasty opiate habit at a Fox News 9/11 ‘ratings party’ in 2004. Limbaugh said, “Baby Jesus [Hannity] thought he could handle the hard stuff, but it can castrate even the biggest man. I made it out, but not many do. Rest In Peace, Baby Jesus.”

However, a growing contingent of so-called ‘alt right’ conspiracists believe Hannity is just the latest murder victim of a cult-like democratic party that is gaining satanic powers by eating the pineal glands out of gang raped children. Alex Jones told listeners, “This is it folks, this is the purge. I’ll be damn surprised if I make it to next year, much less next week. Hide your children folks, these satanists are coming for them sooner than later.”

VICE: We attended a New York May Day demonstration, got bored and left early

“Looks like May Day has a case of the Mondays.” – @kilgoar

A couple days ago I visited Union Square during the opening remarks of the Democratic Socialists of America. It was boring, and I did not stay for the 5 o’clock march to City Hall.

Kilgoar and I anticipated seeing Twitter personalities there, but they were all reportedly wearing masks, so I could not identify or contact them.

Beyond showing up, barely on time, little to no effort was put into coverage of this event.

Listen here:

http://chronicle.su/radio/attachment/dsa/

Expect the same during tomorrow’s coverage of the protests scheduled during President Trump’s first visit to his hometown of New York City.

“You’ll have to clamber with great effort to beat other protesters to the front,” Kilgoar advised, “because they have been hardened by the city.”

Lebal Drocer, attorney at law says: Just use a ‘burner’ phone, bro

Noam Chomsky said “society is to be dismantled and replaced with nothing by sundown” in a recently typed order to his black bloc legion.

Lebal Drocer attorneys have blacked out all windows and severed communications from the outside. Through a one-way radio, Raleigh T. Hatesec barks orders to a pig army, starving for his attention.

Armed gunmen are closing in on the premises from no general direction, really – just gunning for power pigs and capitalist pimp hustlers – and they threaten to take over the means of production!

What is to be done about these unapologetic miscreants? Why, name them on Twitter, I say. DOX THEM into the system! YOU CAN NOT FIGHT THE SYSTEM! YOU ARE BECOME MY SYSTEM NOW.

No, that’s … too sinister. I won’t allow it.

Make it more so the people we destroy are toxic threats to total disorder.  We’ll herd them into ‘stables’ where things are chill, and totally fine what goes on inside.

That’s what the good men and beautiful women of Lebal Drocer say! And it bears repeating.

The people we destroy are toxic threats to disorder.

This is an erroneous interpretation of pure anarchy. Let’s give it some love, though, for Lebal Drocer, Inc.

They paraded those women out like cats, didn’t they? The beautiful women of Lebal Drocer are rumored to appear on this year’s Soviet Catwalk, новости where Jessica will finally give us a glimpse into the musical number for which she has been practicing since her mother and father put her to work learning violin, at age 4. She, and her people, have come so far since back then.

That’s all for Internet Chronicle tonight. Please join us again as we self-investigate an invented troll crisis dressed as the trolls themselves! KILGOAR Reports LIVE from the inside (of many fine ladies)!

Chomsky said (he said this directly to me): Read widely.

Well, I have news for you, Mr. Chomsky, I’m reading as wide as I can, and the WALL STILL AIN’T LONG ENOUGH.

Raleigh T. Hatesec

The root’nest and toot’nist mean one of the bunch