Category: News

INTERNET—Everything there is to know about Ethan Klein’s pedophile history is available NOW on reddit dot com, users reckon. It is written in parodical self-confession form, where the author speaks in a manner of heightened grotesque, playing a pervert, letch, or master killer, always leaving ambiguous where they’ve crossed the line for real. That author’s name? Ethan Klein himself. It was a style of comedy very popular in the 00s. By the 10s Klein stood fearlessly alone, on reddit dot org, carrying the torch of that. He is the pedo_troll. It’s him.

Keen investigators however were keen to report that Klein’s salacious boy-love fantasia can be corroborated with actual incidents and documented facts. A revelation that now damns Klein to the sticking point. Is Ethan Klein the mask, and pedo_troll the true flesh beneath? None dread this certainty more than internet’s youngest and dimmest- drawn to “safe” Klein for his teddy bear clothing brand, childlike performance persona, aesthetic, and wife.

“I’ve been putting the H3 podcast on for my daughter’s nap time this whole time without even realising,” opined single mother Jamie Jo Corne, “to be honest I’ve never really been that much of an H3 fan, his shit’s been stale for a long time. That invert the spoon video was funny but that’s so long ago I don’t even remember the proper title. He was catching some heat with the whole idubbbz drama but he lost me when he started suing those fart fetish girls. Anyway I just started leaving the H3cast on for the baby and now she cries if I don’t play it. She gets bored of old episodes so I have to keep up with this freak. On top of it all I learn about this pedo_troll shit? Yuck. No thank you.”

Chronicle reached out to Klein directly but got blown off nasty style: “why aren’t you people going after Destiny! Steven Bonnell the second? Come on you guys, he said he has 60GB of see-sam on his disk drive, ready to go! I’m telling you, you’re going after the wrong guy, he’s the bigger pedo. I mean- wait- hold on- don’t print that. I mean, if I were to look at this whole reddit pedo troll thing and compare it to this guy, who is in frequent contact with minors, blackmailing them with revenge porn, and then planning on stream to flee to Israel, you’re seriously going to suggest I’m the one that needs the exposé? For trolling?! You’re the one that’s sick in the head, pal, not me! Sounds like you’re freakin obsessed! What is this rag anyway, chronicle sue? Hey that’s ironic, cos guess what’s next for you guys!”

After a terse exchange of words Klein put Internet Chronicle in touch with the head of his legal team, Vile Sloggvorbis, who informs us he now sleeps with a bottle of brandy at his bedside and a pump action 590. “Just try me if you think I’m bullshitting!”

INTERNET — As the media frenzy over Trump’s ties to Jeffrey Epstein boil over, Vice President Vance has quietly moved forward in talks with Stephen Miller, who finished the first draft of Project 2026 Monday evening.

Stating that national security is threatened by a “brain drain” as wealthy liberals leave the nation, Project 2026’s first priority is to restrict travel and ban Americans from emigrating or becoming citizens of other nations.

While it’s true that school shootings, political retaliation, racist violence, and mass imprisonments have driven well-to-do liberal Americans into leaving the country by the tens of thousands each month, that isn’t the whole story. According to some experts, the architects of Project 2026 are more concerned with the possibility of lower income classes leaving the country by the tens of millions when Project 2025’s Soviet-style forced labor provisions begin to kick in.

Historian and Political Science professor Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, however, believes this sudden shift in policy was planned, “The wall was never about keeping immigrants out, but rather keeping the masses in, and forcing productivity out of them. The New Iron Curtain, as Vance himself calls it, will have Americans working for even less than the illegals.”

Troubador sat back in his chair, smoking a cuban, “You wanna know what I really think? ICE is only running a pilot program with the deportations, and in the end it’s all going to build up to this sophisticated paramilitary for compelling labor, punishing political expression, and imprisoning tens of millions of American citizens. You think they arrested citizens on accident? Think again. They are only pushing against the Republic for judicial or legislative resistance and weeding it all out ahead of time. Any Americans who aren’t imprisoned will find themselves in permanent debt and compelled to work forty hours a week at jobs they are not legally allowed to quit. Project 2026 signals the end of Republicanism and the beginning of a dynastic totalitarian empire.”

INTERNET — Ghislaine Maxwell granted her first telephone interview from prison to Internet Chronicle reporters. After meeting with DOJ officials, Wednesday, Maxwell shared details of her lurid affair with President Trump.

IC: Who was your contact with the DOJ, in your recent meeting?

GM: It was Trump himself, I was taken to the local Federal building and spoke with the president and Kash Patel over a secure line. He had great things to say.

IC: Great things? Do you expect that you’ll receive a pardon in the coming days?

GM: That’s what I’ve been promised.

IC: We’ve been reviewing the Epstein tapes, and we’ve heard Jeffrey complaining about Trump sleeping with all his friends’ wives. Did Trump ever attempt anything with you?

GM: Absolutely. Every time he could, he grabbed me just like he always bragged about. I don’t usually go for that but he’s famous, you know? I heard that tape and everyone does everyone’s wives in our circle, Jeffrey just got mad because he wasn’t cool like that. Hell, we all banged Melania whenever we felt like it.

IC: What was in the box that you brought back from the meeting?

GM: Snacks, drinks, some personal items. It wasn’t the list if that’s what you’re getting at.

IC: So when it comes to the child sex trafficking, what was Trump’s involvement there?

GM: Trump’s 100% innocent. Melania had nothing to do with it. Nothing. There’s no list, no crimes, and all the accusations against me are political lies cooked up by the Democrat Party.

IC: What do you think took place during the missing three minutes from Epstein’s prison suicide video?

GM: How the hell should I know? Democrats maybe? They probably killed him! God, he was a gentle, loving man who would never harm a fly. Donald Trump was lucky to have him as a friend for so long, up until Trump banned Melania from working for us. It’s like all those years and it’s over just like that?

IC: What are your plans for when you get out of prison?

GM: I’m going to become chair of the Young Republican National Federation, do youth outreach. I wanted something more official in the administration, but this actually pays a lot more and I’m not exactly bargaining with a full hand here so whatever. I’ve got to go. Trump is 100% innocent, make sure you print that.