INTERNET — In an exclusive interview, Free Barrett Brown spokesman Kevin Gallagher told Internet Chronicle reporters Barrett Brown “resigned in protest” from Jeremy Scahill and Glenn Greenwald’s flagship publication The Intercept.

Brown’s row with The Intercept broke out over a story Motherboard later titled What is to be Done? and subtitled It is time to consider alternate systems of governance. 

Gallagher told Internet Chronicle that Brown’s editor at The Intercept found the story “problematic,” adding “[Brown] resigned in protest and joined VICE.” The article was likely rejected as a longwinded, self-congratulating mess that takes far too long to get to a sales pitch that hardly makes sense.

Before spending a half decade in prison, Barrett Brown was the most visible man to be associated with a string of computer hacks done under the icon of ‘Anonymous’. Brown’s word was often enough to shape media narratives, and as a rule he offended many hackers associated with Anonymous.

Newly free of all parole restraints on publishing, Brown has become only more silent on internet freedom, Anonymous, and the state of the world in general.  His only terse statement expressed no confidence in Anonymous as a force for good and mentioned a new thing called “Pursuants” which will replace them and eliminate the flaws that ruined their organization.

Brown is publishing less stories than when he was in prison and the latest row with The Intercept over his dirty old purusance jibberish has led Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador to conclude that his career as a writer is in trouble. “He’s writing a big ugly Mein Kampf style book and the editors cain’t control him. Things are breaking down. As a professional psychoanalyst I can tell you this right now, the pursuance fixation is just about power. That he’s shifted from a human form of persuasion to some mechanisms of computer code means he’s crossed into a psychotic territory and is very unpredictable. Possibly he will just remain in hiding, quarreling editors into dead shit or perhaps he will go full out on the Pursuantism until he’s put in prison again. Time will tell.”

Ayn Rand’s cyberacolyte has always been astray but now maybe he’s lost, too busy with Pursuants for this world. Even Brown’s spokesperson Gallagher tweeted, “… this Pursuance thing has been stewing for years and it’s now time for somethin new.”

A fleet of chemtrailing airliners followed Monday’s eclipse, spraying down tens of millions of Americans who congregated to view the eclipse.

Chemist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador and his team analyzed a photograph of the sun shining through the eclipse as it neared totality, declaring it to be the most dangerous, thickest spraying in any previously documented chemtrailing operation.

Lena Blenport of Clarksville, Tennessee stared and pointed at the sun as her neighbors gathered by their mailboxes. As the shadow of the moon fell on her world at peace, chemtrails threatened no godless scientific agenda. In a display of patriotism and Christian bravery facing down the fake news media and staring into God’s light, Mrs. Blenport viewed the sun’s beautiful rays and even saw the chemtrails that the liberals were trying to hide from her.

The entire neighborhood fell on their knees in prayer and lament at the sight, as Blenport cried to the heavens: “Oh God save us. This Eclipse is supposed to be your beautiful miracle, not our mass extermination. Is nothing sacred? Did Trump betray us, again?”

That’s what leading chemtrail scientist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour asked during a Monday morning rooftop sermon on Mission Memorial Hospital in Richmond, Virginia.

“Don’t ascribe to innocent incompetence what amounts to a conspiracy against the people, to establish a new world order, and enslave the human race,” Troubadour said. “They know what they’re doing and they will not stop chemtrailing until we’re all eating pure GMO Monsanto foodpaste out of a despicable trough from 7eleven.”

Dr. Troubador’s analysis found an unusually high concentration of cellulose fibers which remain a mystery to the scientific community.

“Is it Monsanto’s pollen? Some kind of genetic warfare attacking small scale farmers?” Troubadour asked. “We see copyright-violating gardens bake off in the sun each year, turning to worthless garbage that contaminates the soil below with dangerous toxins, so only Monsanto foods can grow. They don’t want you making your own food!”

But he said economic warfare is only just the beginning. The side effects for human and animal life of all kinds have been likened to “population control” for decades by the chemtrailing community. Officials maintain the program is peaceful, and only used for local climate engineering.

Dr. Troubadour slammed his fist on the desk in front of reporters in anger and disgust.

“Each year, millions of children needlessly die or become autistic because of reckless and dangerous chemtrailing,” he said. “The lucky victims acquiring food-related diseases like Celiac’s and the less lucky just another statistic in the cancer epidemic. It’s no wonder at all that Trump wants to explode healthcare into a neoliberal nightmare. I viewed that eclipse in the totality zone and now I’m fucked. Maybe the population control theorists were right all along, looking at all of Trump’s fake promises. We were lied to.”

If you witnessed Monday’s eclipse, there is a good chance you were dosed with inordinately high concentrations of chemtrail vapor.

Dr. Troubadour says if you were in the path of totality, consult your family physician immediately, and do not tell anyone you are sick.

A newsroom-turned-mind-control-cult raises questions about the ethics of satirical news journalism

Authorities are on us like ants at a picnic, and we aren’t coming out. We didn’t know torture cages were not up to code. If we had known about it, of course we would have done more to hide it.

The people accusing Internet Chronicle of employee abuse have organized against the news outlet, and you may field all questions to their lawyer, Dr. Euclid Armstrong.

He is a man of fortitude, grace and dignity. Despite his egregious lawsuits against chronicle.su, there  are no hard feelings between us.

We did not take anyone’s passports. They volunteered them to us for perks and bonuses.

Internet Chronicle staff, known for their office hi-jinx and pot parties, refused to comment, citing a nondisclosure agreement between themselves and this important website. One writer did, however, indicate he was publishing articles in a hostile work environment, from inside a newsroom he calls a “hate-filled vortex of below-the-belt insults from shattered minds.”

It’s not just the employee abuse, the writer’s union lawyer explained. It’s also about a pattern of drug abuse that runs rampant through the hallowed hall of the Internet Chronicle’s home office trailer in Cuthbert, Georgia.

Ivania, staff homemaker at Internet Chronicle, said it has been six weeks since she reported dangerous illegal activity she seen happening here at our place.

“I went through their dressing room the other night, and saw them crushing pills into white powder, and snorting it off the top of a mini-fridge,” she said. “They saw me staring and said, ‘Well, at least we ain’t shootin’ it.’ And they was right. They’re not shooting it yet, so right now everything’s fine.”

A plea of Intentional Guilt will be made on the chronicle.su’s behalf, in order to bypass a lengthy trial and save taxpayers money, as well as an embarrassing loss in court against Lebal Drocer, Inc.

[Editor’s note: We still don’t know what happened to svirgula. No one has seen him or heard from him.]

As confederate monuments fall around the nation in a revolutionary cultural victory and the president’s tepid crypto-racism airs to shock and disgrace across the world, the Internet Chronicle’s Charlottesville office received a strange call we first thought was a depraved prank. Upon later voice histogram analysis, this recording proved to be none other than Steve Bannon, Chief White House strategist.

Bannon phoned our offices and talked viciously at our secretary in this terrible and offensive fast paced panting, which she captured on an audio recording as a reaction to the intimidating and threatening nature of the voice.

“Trump is just a front to fuck with the sheeple. Me, I’m sending a fake real message, and you of all people know what the fuck I mean. I’m hinting at how they’re going to be enslaved, but then I’m saying they’ll be enslaved by China or worse in their grandchildren’s generation if we don’t do something. Of course that’s all a load of shit. The status of America as the world’s only Superpower is all propaganda and a fantasy with no strategic importance. China will win the economic war and any serious boots on the fucking ground world war three type situation as well. It’s a foregone conclusion, if you just look at the logistical analysis. We cannot sustain warfare for as long or as intensely as they can. Also they’re just too damn good at hacking and their technology is surpassing ours on many fronts. No deal is going to stop these dynamics and any idiot should know that. But there’s where it gets juicy for us, and why I’ve got my man Donald stroking at the nuclear tips on the world stage, sneaking his hatred into the most tiny events. It’s the secret Nixon doctrine hidden from public sight. Mutually assured destruction becomes an option for wiping out the Chinese that only gets more enticing as they begin to outcompete us and further make us enslave our people and decrease their quality of life to get to endgame. But at the last moment, one side, probably us, chooses between defeat or mutual defeat. And we want mutual defeat, total nuclear annihilation. It’s just a matter of when.”

At this point in the tape Bannon could be heard choking and shifting gears while dogging the aircooled engine on a rattling Volkswagen dune buggy .

“As it turns out it’s really hard to strip people of their healthcare. So we’ve concocted a never ending crisis in the most visible American leadership that will further erode confidence in democracy and build acceptance for the new dictator who will be able to carry out hard line enslavement of his own people in order to grow collective property value to a larger number than China’s. It’s that simple. We’re talking with Peter Thiel about pumping up our population with eugenic babyfarming using the best and whitest genes from the 23andMe database chopped up and reassembled with infinite life and no disease, AI parenting, and so on. It’s amazing the things you learn about being at the center of all world power. By the way I may not look healthy but listen, now that I’ve ascended to the high throne of slave whipper, this is the first year I’ve ever been able to afford proper healthcare and I feel like I’m going to live forever. The Bohemian Grove is actually a clinic for elites with secretive technology, and Alex Jones was in the telomere regeneration spa with me, telling jokes about the fake health supplies he sells to people so he can afford the real thing. That guy, man, people act like I’m some villain just for plotting world domination, a noble pursuit, but this guy, he’s some kind of vampire. He’s the king clown of the ISIS crew and they’re all revving up their car engines for revenge. A civil war that radically increases the enslavement ratios to back where they should be, ahhhh. Ahhhhh. Alex Jones, now there’s the most powerful man on earth. Our empire is crumbling right under us and we’re doing our damndest out here but we can’t deliver on anything. Not a damn thing we promised was even possible, to begin with. I said those alt-right guys were clowns, but look. I mean he was on reality tv, for god’s sake. The man is the biggest clown in history to distract you while I do the real work.”

Our secretary heard Mr. Bannon put his phone down followed by what sounded like Mr. Bannon’s strained masturbation with immense and exaggerative moaning sounds. At this point she hung up on him and rushed into my office, toppling twelve shelves of science fiction paperbacks. At no point in the conversation did Mr. Bannon say whether the conversation was on or off the record or what he was trying to get at out of making such a depraved and hideous phone call but the office presumed the man was on some sort of an endless nightmare cocaine or amphetamine binge that has been going on perpetually since the night Donald Trump promised to lock Hillary up.

NEW YORK — Fans mourn the loss of of Raleigh T. Sakers, the satirist better known by the name ‘hatesec’ who died early Monday morning at his home in Brooklyn.

Hatesec was pronounced dead at 3:27 a.m. EST. Cause of death was listed as “Complications associated with acquired immunodeficiency syndrome,” or AIDS. He was 30.

Hatesec is survived by three serious ex-girlfriends, and six not-so-serious ex-girlfriends. He had no children ;)

Because no will was entered into the public record, hatesec’s charity for underprivileged financial institutions, The Bailout Foundation, will dissolve.

Remaining assets are to be turned over to Virginia doctors for repayment of medical debts accrued after a spontaneous pneumothorax nearly killed the Internet Chronicle editor in 2010.

Hatesec’s public image suffered in the wake of a 2009 incident filmed at the intersection of Monument and Allen Avenues in Richmond, where he was filmed simulating autofellatio under a large Confederate monument. The incident was seen by more than 500,000 people, before YouTube took down the 9-minute video, stating it violates the terms of their puritan service agreement.

When hatesec realized what was happening, he instinctively “finished,” lovingly snowballed General Lee, and left the 60-foot monument to deal with his imagined pregnancy alone, and without sympathy from passing cars.

While hatesec left no will or funeral instructions, a recent tweet offers some guidance as to what friends and family might do to help his final wishes come true, as we close the final chapter of his otherwise pointless, insignificant life:

when i die, i want to be cremated – and my ashes – spread eagle and fucked. fucked hard. like a fuckin real tramp

— spacetime kittycat (@hatesec) August 7, 2017

 

Rust is a broken game and I hate it. In fact I’m quitting. I have three thousand hours so I should know better than you. You just started this month. No one plays Rust anymore despite the fact that it’s more popular than ever. You’re not a real player. FUCKING AUTIST! KILL YOURSELF!

I sold my base for $10 this week, go ahead and raid it because you can’t. I don’t even care, I’m already done. It’ll take 24 rockets and 72 crossbow bolts, and I can get in and out of my cave in exactly six seconds. It’s the most perfect base ever constructed, and I didn’t use the autistic quarries to build it, I just hit nodes because it’s so much faster. Actually even though the devs want to encourage people to use quarries, they’re horrible because you can just twig in past the high walls and steal everything. It’s not like setting them out in the open and creating a pvp situation has even half the thrill of mindlessly hitting rocks for several hours, you fucking autist, Fuck you and kill yourself for mentioning Quarries. I’m a fucking god of Rust and you just started. How fucking dare you like the game at all, or any of the exciting new content. FUCK Rust. It’s been in alpha for three and a half years, motherfucker. With every change I want to kill myself a little bit more. Fucking kill yourself.

Why the fuck would you ever put anything into fucking lockers? They’re gay and too hard to use, I can’t even figure them out. I remember when they made them and they were bad. Plus you can fit so much shit into a smaller space, and make it more secure as well using the same pattern of building as everybody else. Also shotgun traps don’t do anything at all in a raid situation but I have 16 in my base so fucking try me. Didn’t you know 94% of bases are offline raided? Literally there is no point to them. Traps are worthless.

I can’t fucking believe they’re adding NPCs. Don’t you fucking KNOW the difference between NPCs and APCs? Jesus Fucking Christ go kill yourself. I’m done. I’m really done here. I’m quitting Rust. All the pro youtubers are quitting Rust because the devs are so fucking dumb. They have no idea what they’re doing and they aren’t even listening to the community. Everyone knows Rust was perfect and complete in 2016 and it’s just horrible now. Everybody knows it. You though. YOU don’t even exist. Fucking fake roleplayer. Fuck you for having fun. Fuck you for enjoying a game. This isn’t a game, this is where I am a powerful, powerful man. A huge man. I hate the words you use and the way you say them, motherfucker. You’re so fucking dumb and I’m a god damn genius. Fucking kill yourself. I’m done.

By the way try out my NSFW discord channel, the porn stream of three second moneyshot clips will make you stop watching all other TV and movies. Really hard to get people in a discord. Also join my clan. It’s just impossible to get a clan together these days because people will just betray you. What? You’re watching fucking Blue Velvet? You fucking AUTIST. It is 2017 for fuck’s sake! Who watches anything aside from porn? I’m thinking of saving up $10,000 for a suicide sex party with a few hookers so I can at least die happy as a certified non-virgin. I mean, it is a horrible world after all and there’s no point to living anymore.

Today legislators moved forward with articles of impeachment against President Donald Trump, citing obstruction of justice in his firing of James Comey. This makes Donald Trump the only president to be impeached after Bill Clinton.

Many supporters on Facebook have been posting photos of the skies, with some feeling swindled by the persistence of the weather modifying programs known as Chemtrails. Others are growing angry that Trump has not been able to destroy ISIS yet, or repeal Obamacare. Now a group of psychiatrists are warning the world that the daily media firestorms and the “suppressive-repressive style” of their reporting has caused severe psychotic breaks among tens of thousands of people watching Fox News. The frightening dissociation incidents are known by psychiatrists as Fox Syndrome, because most affected people are found drooling and twitching by loved ones with Fox News on in the corner of the room.

In an exclusive interview attained by chance on a three hour ferry to Prince Edward Island Resort and Casino, retired sexual harasser at Fox News, Bill O’Reilly, met with Internet Chronicle Reporters to share world-shattering political revelations about what’s going on at Fox as well as Donald Trump’s removal from power, which he assured would come sooner rather than later.

O’Reilly spoke in a conversational voice only slightly less bombastic than his on-air persona, “Nixon did nothing wrong, and Donald Trump has done even less. They’ll get Trump one way or another. I’m retired so I can say this now. I think his goose is cooked. The media’s just too powerful. And the deep state, too. Trust me, I am glad to be out of things. So glad.”

O’Reilly sighed in long-deserved relief, but continued in agitation, “Fox has lost its God Damn mind. Fuck it feels great to swear! And Hannity. You know he hates it when I swear. Every day I’m watching him with a bit of a smirk because he’s torching his own career with almost every word. But a lot of people are. The truth is that these ‘fake news’ guys are winning because the Republicans can’t act decisively. Trump can’t do anything but betray everyone, and it was only a matter of time before they found out. We promised everyone ponies and now it’s one big death panel, one big firing panel like The Apprentice.”

“A lot of people have the idea that the Democrats are just mentally ill, stupid, and you wanna know what? That’s marketing. We’re making Republicans feel smart so we can swindle them. It’s a big racket, like a TV church. That’s the Trump presidency. He’ll be healing people with his touch before the rich boys in control of the government shell out another cent of healthcare. And we pushed it way too far, obviously. It’s making people sick, it’s making them stupid. What we did was wretched and you wouldn’t believe the scientific precision we put into manipulating people. Now they’re going to die.”

INTERNET — The recent toy craze sweeping the nation, Fidget Spinners, are making waves across the nation as children and adults happily spin away. However, there’s big trouble in Roanoke’s Fidget Spinner Scene. After a wave of fidget gang stabbing incidents, local schools banned fidget spinners altogether.

Scowling at the mere mention of a fidget spinner, Joseph S. Nemelka of Roanoke, Virginia, told reporters, “I hate ’em. Just so dumb,” as he flipped his butterfly knife out for the cameras, brandishing it threateningly at one reporter.

“Now here’s a real toy. Or how about a yoyo? I ain’t gonna cut someone with a yoyo. Takes a little bit of skill. But if I see one more fidget spinner –” Mr. Nemelka broke off his speech as he recoiled in abject disgust, accidentally slicing his hand as he clenched what turned out to be an illegal double edged bali-song.

Wielding his fidgey — as the youth have taken to calling their new toys — Gem L. Fetch of Roanoke smiled and winked for cameras. Rolling the toy around his hand in an incomprehensible sleight of hand that took no effort, Fetch conducted his interview like a perfect gentleman. When asked about the crazed butterfly knife gangs stabbing his friends, Fetch said he wasn’t afraid. “They’re always so worked up about nothin’ and cuttin’ themself up like that. They only get us on accident. If you ask me they’re just fidgey heads.”

Joseph S. Nemelka was arrested on the scene for disturbing the peace, possession of a restricted weapon, and attempted assault. Nemelka’s lawyer Hyrum L. Robertson was reached for comment and e-mailed reporters at the Internet Chronicle a single line, “The Fake News Media will pay for its lies, one day!”