INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Hailey Welch, host of the Talk Tuah Podcast and viral meme sensation better known as Hawk Tuah.
Nashville Deputy Sheriff Eric Rawlins announced Welch’s grim death to reporters at an impromptu press conference, saying, “We have not yet found the weapon and are investigating every lead, especially reports of drones in the area around the time of the violent attack.”
“This appears to be a cowardly and cold blooded assassination, carried out while Hawk Tuah was asleep and in bed, the projectile tracking to a vector that could only be accessed by an aircraft, in this case we believe a drone.”
Police investigating Welch’s Nashville residence set up a perimeter and were photographed guarding the premises after neighbors reported gunshots Thursday night.
Welch’s tragic passing follows legal action related to the botched launch of her cryptocurrency token, which left thousands of fans holding onto Hawk Tuah branded NFTs worth only a tiny sliver of what they paid.
Sheriff Rawlins assured citizens, “Crypto ain’t anonymous, sweetheart. We pulled up every victim of Talk Tuah’s little rug pull scam on the blockchain and we’re looking into each and every one of you. She got the easy way out but the assassin won’t. We’re coming for you.”
In a fiery conclusion which was not followed by questions for the press, Sheriff Rawlins implored President-elect Trump to give local police control over their airspace, “Mr. Trump, please. Computer nerds are out here rich from legalized scamming, hiring professional drone assassins to carry out internet trolling. To answer this grave threat, we need training, funding, expertise, and tools that we just don’t have.”
In related news, Nick Fuentes, extremist influencer and “king” of the so-called “sikko sektur,” narrowly survived an assassination attempt Wednesday evening which left the would be assassin and his neighbor’s dogs dead in a violent confrontation with the police.
