Art Jihad, underground Brooklyn hipster Islamists, takes credit for raising the white flag over Brooklyn Bridge
INTERNET — A Hipster Islamist “art terror” cell in Brooklyn took credit on Wednesday for raising bleached American flags over the Brooklyn Bridge. Art Jihad issued a statement saying, “The Caliphate [ISIS] is the only government with the sanction of Allah, and next time we won’t raise white flags — we’ll plant bombs.” Analysts say that the white flag is a direct reference to the black flag of ISIS, and to believers the terroristic art represents the inevitable victory of Sharia law over all of the world.
Most assumed the beards worn by Brooklyn Hipsters were only a fashion statement, but new evidence shows that there are in fact tens of thousands of converted Muslims among Brooklyn’s trendsetting youth. However, these hip young converts to Islam don’t ever talk about their religion publicly and only assemble for secret prayer under the cover of darkness.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, expert on Islamist terror, told reporters, “These hipster terror cells have been working away at Brooklyn for years, using hip magazines to build up a lot of sympathy for Muslims who have been depicted as unfair victims of American imperialist policy. Basically every man with a beard is a part of it, and they prefer the Islamic drug of choice, hashish, over alcohol, or the blood of Christ. At a glance, it is impossible to tell the difference between those who just think beards are cool and those who have been seduced by the black flag of ISIS, but if you see them at one of these nightly prayer gatherings or at a celebration on 9/11, then you know for sure you’ve got a Hipster terrorist on your hands. I think that almost all hipsters in Brooklyn are sympathetic to the terrorist cause.”
Satan’s Army cannot pass through the pearly gates and into suburban heaven
“I’ve seen a lot of things in my life, but most of all I’ve seen short segments on television by fair and balanced news networks that have no vested political interests backing their reporting. I watch them every day, and because of it I know the free market is always the best solution.” ~ My first book, The Poor are Satan’s Army
Healthcare was great in America, and America is a place where those who need healthcare and can’t pay for it will be punished openly on the free market, through a sanction and stigma business which scores your credit rating. Through this system, prices on things like insurance, rent, and so on will skyrocket and you will be suppressed into a lower rank in the caste spectrum. You will earn less money for the same services and gets less money for more work. Potential landlords and employers will run a check on you because they know not to do business with you, as is correct and proper. But thanks to Obamacare, Barack Hussein Obama has personally mandated — in violation of the constitution — that you must submit to government controlled death panels, rather than the free market death panels I rightly prefer. Everyone knows the American government has been incapable of anything since winning the last World War, and now it would probably lose hands down to an invasion from North Korea.
Institutions that prey on those who seem to be unable to exist properly within the domain of capitalism are smitten down by the invisible hand of God. What the invisible hand does is necessarily justice itself. As a good Christian I believe the poor are in fact Satan’s army, otherwise God would not strike them. Separation of church and State dictates that it is right and proper that they may receive help only through the pity of God incarnated in voluntary Church fundraising, or through for-profit philanthropy. Those in the grips of Satan must struggle under the capitalist system, created in the image of God and incarnated through human rationality and statistical math.
I believe that Liberals, generally well-meaning people who are able to make a living, are only the enemy within. Those who can exist comfortably in the warm suburban embrace of God’s greatest capitalist empire are as angelic as any good conservative simply for maintaining a decent and responsible credit rating. God blesses them with halcyon streets free of drugs and vagrancy. Thanks to the stewardship of local police they dwell in a heavenly realm rather than in the hellish streets where existence itself has been correctly outlawed. But the Liberals do not understand God’s creation. They want to lift these demons from their sewers.
I believe we need to get back to what the founding fathers intended. When they said “All men are created equal,” they meant that businesses should be able to put a price on every man’s head within an equal market. And if some people can’t catch a break, it isn’t up to the government to make people equal again, it’s up to the Creator. He gave all people an equal capacity to thrive in the capitalist system, and if they find themselves in hell it is their own sins at fault. Christ only saves those who save themselves, he doesn’t go around writing blank checks absolving everyone for their sins. He only helps those who deserve it, destined from their high birth for a life of comfort and luxury.
But if the Liberals are right, and Jesus really meant that the poor are the only ones who can get into heaven (as is obviously false, if you look at the conditions the poor live in every day) then it would follow that they’d also be nicer people. But, as we all know, they’re mean and angry and more likely to do drugs and sin. They wear symbols of Satan, listen to angry metal or rap music, and brag about how they’re going to hell. Just look at anyone who is a deadbeat and can’t make their own way under the capitalist system. You don’t want to be like them.
Read More in my new book, coming out this Christmas: The Poor are Satan’s Army
Pepsi, Snowden, MH17 and the sanctions that will soon take away many Russian’s favorite drink
INTERNET — Friday, Edward Snowden unveiled that Pepsi executives bribed NSA overseers for information from several discount shopping card programs and facebook emotional manipulation experiments in order to convert Coke drinkers to Pepsi products. Snowden said, “This is only the surface of emotional manipulation by Pepsi, and they may even employ drink additives in some markets to tinker with the emotions of drinkers. One thing is very important to know: Don’t drink Pepsi.”
Snowden was seen drinking a Coke over his live feed into HOPE X, a conference where utopian technofetishists converge to discuss the beautiful future that awaits us all. The whistleblower smiled and flashed the Coke logo on his can, winking to audiences before taking a satisfying swig of the healthy, mind-control additive-free beverage.
Some critics believe that Snowden may be under the thumb of the Russian government, as Russia is the largest foreign market for Pepsi, which is seen both as a powerful instrument of western imperialism and of cultural influence. Dr. Markov Leninovski, economic analyst from the University of Moscow, said, “Snowden has shown his hand by going after the place where the latest round of sanctions will hurt Russians the most. Russian people love Pepsi, but after the downing of Malaysia Airlines flight 17, sanctions will soon make the addiction hard to afford.”
[pullquote]Cruisin by the River
N you know I’m straight clownin
On you fuckin bitches
And on you fuckin hoes
Step in the club
And you know I’m chose
[/pullquote]INTERNET — Deric Lostutter, also known as KYAnonymous (KY refers to Kentucky, Lostutter’s “Anonymous” home state), starred as hero of a “Strange Saga” featured in Rolling Stone, but the saga is sensational drivel, unanimously derided by Anons who claim Lostutter cannot even hack. Worse, the story has made an “Anti-Rape” hero out of a typical misogynist, and it’s been optioned for a movie by Brad Pitt’s production company.
The Rolling Stone article claims that Lostutter is facing more prison time than the rapists he clamed to expose, although no charges have been officially filed against him and he is still “awaiting indictment.” In the meantime, Lostutter raised over $50,000 dollars for his legal defense, bought a Harley, and waved around stacks of Benjamins on Facebook.
The latest “strange” development in Lostutter’s saga is a rape accusation from an ex-girlfriend. Not only does the accusation imply statutory rape, but also the less acknowledged kind of rape endemic to abusive relationships. Lostutter has responded to these accusations by threatening to sue his ex-girlfriend as well as deploying his one “hacking” skill: doxing. He linked his fans to her adult-themed webcam site and unveiled her name as well as her child’s name, the kind of heroic anti-rape activism that get one’s story told in Rolling Stone.
Hate Security has ties to defunct terrorist group Rustle League and its official spokesperson, Jaime Cochran
INTERNET — A small group of elite hackers known as “Hate Security” cut off the light at Monday’s World Cup game between France and Nigeria for several seconds, as confused fans and players screamed in terror. Several hundred people were mugged, and riot police were deployed to contain the fearful crowds. However, the hack was only temporarily able to stop stadium personnel from turning the lights back on.
Hate Security left a message on their Twitter taking credit for the attack and issued homophobic comments about soccer, Brazil, and the international community. Hate Security became politicized in June of 2014, when a Facebook experiment manipulated them into it.
More on this terrorist hack as the story develops.
Anonymous dusts off its most powerful hacking tool to take down Hobby Lobby
INTERNET — Monday morning, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled 5-4 that Hobby Lobby does not have to pay for any healthcare that involves the reproductive systems of women. Hacktivists at Anonymous, the decentralized collective and ensemble of tricksters fired back with the Low Orbit Ion Cannon, their most powerful hacking tool. Thousands of angered “Anons,” as they refer to themselves, “fired packets” and took Hobby Lobby’s web site offline for nearly twenty minutes, causing billions of dollars of irreparable damage that may put Hobby Lobby out of business forever.
Hobby Lobby’s CEO, Gerald Celento, told reporters, “God prefers a hands-off policy towards women’s sex organs, even when the uterus is rotting out of the body. Women are, as Christians have always known, more easily corruptible than men. Hobby Lobby has always had a policy against meddling with their fragile bodies. We’re happy to hear about the Supreme Court’s decision, but the vigilantes from the internet have ruined it for us, and I have no doubt they are part of the Satanic conspiracy emanating out of the Islamic State, the Black flag of the New Caliphate. A bloody war — I’m talking nuclear, biological, whatever kills the emergent Satanist state — is the only solution.”
INTERNET — People have been fucking stuffed animals modified with fleshlights for years now, but until today the imaginary sex objects have remained totally inert. With the new Fleshlight Launchpad, you can easily fuck an assortment of apps available in the Apple store, from sensuous anime geishas to over-the-top tongue and tentacle monster simulations. The roboticized fucktoy, which is made of a special cum-absorbing sex rubber that feels so good on your dick, can expand even over your balls for that extra warm sensation — if you pay an extra $29.99 for the cumsucker deluxe ball massager.
As you strap the Launchpad into your Apple iPad, dubstep music drops and you bear down on the fuckhole. Hard. You hear exaggerated screams and shudders of joy from your ipad’s tinny little speakers. Showers of virtual cum spurt on the Bukkake bitch, and with each thrust of your two foot long dick she sinks a little farther into the cum puddle. Her skin is perfectly taut and shiny, like a fleshy balloon, and she is now drowning in your endless cum, but still begging for more. You jizz into the fleshlight in under twenty seconds, earning you the world record for stamina on the Bukkake Fuck Fantasy App, because this technology is just that fucking good no one has ever lasted that long before. It’s been months of hard work to get that high score, but it’s finally paid off. You are the world’s greatest Apple iPad fucker. You disengage your cock from the self-cleaning rubber fuck hole and your balls ache. Every last drop was squeezed out by the ball massager, well worth the extra money, and your testicles are shrunken like raisins ever since you started fucking the fuckpad.
Buy the new Fleshlight Launchpad and strap your dick into ultimate power.
The End HAS GONE!
INTERNET — The Neoreactionarian movement, a kind of minarchist libertarian hybrid with false historic parallels to monarchies of the past, is seeking new followers and has re-branded itself for mass appeal. In a world where big government bureaucracy is a bad thing, vanguard intellectuals want to turn back the clock to a simpler time where there were not nations but simple family dynasties. The concept of the polis or the res publica, a kind of abstract governance placing the state in the hands of a larger body of people, “a public thing,” to Neoreactionarians, has only hindered the development of “high culture,” economy, and spiritual aspirations of human progress despite generating second-rate monarchist imitators again and again in art history. But they are not producing richly contemplative texts such as Saint Augustine’s City of God or Plato’s Republic, works with other intellectuals as the target audience — they are blogging, tweeting, and answering questions on ask.fm so they can convert you and everyone you love to the side of the Neoreactionarian populist monarchist uprising. Chances are, you already believe in many of the Neoreactionarian tenets and you’re just waving the wrong flag because you, simpleton, know no better. Either that, or they’re poor imitators of imitators, a typical blogger brand of spiraling confusions between messages and audiences as if those two things were separable or even “in the final analysis” of this one writer, identical.
Riker Asimov told someone on ask.fm who asked whether Neoreactionarians wanted to appeal to intellectuals or the general public, “Sure, it seems like an essential contradiction that we want our message of beneficent machiavellian monarchies to be consumed by the masses even as we disguise the formlessness of our superficial — yet outrageously provocative and intellectual — movement in seeming obscurity even as we expose it in the most public way possible. I love to read stories of Frederick II of Hohenstafuen spreading propaganda saying he was the emperor who would precede the apocalypse. That’s the kind of populism that drives monarchies through the roof and sparks never ending wars with the new Anarchopapacy. This is the third age, where no Christian shall need a church, for Christ will live in the heart of every man and woman behind my banner! Protestantism is third age Christianity, the first being the age of Yahweh the hateful father, the second of Christ the forgiving son, and the third that of every human on earth as consummate priest and interpreter needing no authority or gentle shepherd. Saint Francis was the second coming of Christ who ushered in the third age, although Luther was the one with the balls to file the paperwork. And Francis, namesake of the second Christ, has ascended to the papacy and is surely the Antichrist, bringer of material equanimity even as he condemns legalized marijuana, the holy plant rightly seen by Rastas as facilitating and democratizing divine translation![pullquote]” . . . think of all those who have had conversions while in the grips of a nightmare freakout on hallucinogenic drugs, only to forever swear off drugs because of the orthodoxies imposed by the church found in this conversion”[/pullquote] Through vigorous intellectual activity, meditation, and so on, a greatly expanded section of humanity has reached the third age — not quite but in sight of freedom from the bounds of the material world and ascendant into this ideal realm of Mind (Notion, Idea), approaching that Marxian singularity that is in no way Hegel’s ‘stood on end’ or even something entirely different as posited by Althusser, non est aurum vulgi, marriage of the split mind ceremony presided by Christ — but we can imagine a fourth age yet in which the usage of entheogens — which must be consecrated by orthodox rituals to consistently act as more than mere hallucinogens — such as marijuana, LSD, DMT, Ayahuasca, et al will be administrated by the church rather than condemned. Drugs have been declared heterodox, heretical, by Pope Francis because of the threat they pose to established orthodoxy. Terrence McKenna rightly said that drugs are the only way to consistently replicate spiritual, mystic, experience, and think of all those who have had conversions while in the grips of a nightmare freakout on hallucinogenic drugs, only to forever swear off drugs because of the orthodoxies imposed by the church found in this conversion. I am the emperor of the fourth age, the age after the apocalypse has taken place! I am primate of the church of the fourth age in which all of humanity will join Christ with soul through the entheogenic communion through which anyone of any social class will freely receive the ritual and chemicals which can with extraordinarily consistent results, generate an irrational narrative ethos and way-of-being which in a way transcends pairs of opposites or accesses the mystic through its essential paradox. We have a communion that works every time, and even the most hard working of laborers can find divine translation without decades of Voodoo Buddhist practice. Find your way out of the pre-apocalypse wasteland and join us in the fourth age!”
WE SIGNIFICANTLY COMMEMORATE THE 50TH ANNIVERSARY OF THE GREAT LEADER RALEIGH THEODORE HATESEC’S START OF WORK AT THE INTERNET CHRONICLE (CHRONICLE.SU) TODAY WHEN ITS DIGNITY AND AUTHORITY, DURABILITY AND INVINCIBILITY ARE BEING DEMONSTRATED ALL OVER THE WORLD AND THE ENTIRE PEOPLE AND ARMY ARE REPLETE WITH THE WILL TO REPOSE BOUNDLESS DOMINATION IN THE PARTY TILL THE END OF THE WORLD.
HIS START OF WORK AT THE CHRONICLE.SU CENTRAL COMMITTEE ON JUNE 19, 1964 WAS A HISTORIC EVENT OF GREAT SIGNIFICANCE IN STRENGTHENING THE CHRONICLE.SU AND ACCOMPLISHING THE REVOLUTIONARY CAUSE OF JUCHE.
HE IS A PROMINENT PHILOSOPHER WHO DEVELOPED THE CHRONICLE.SU INTO AN INVINCIBLE REVOLUTIONARY PARTY WITH HIS BRILLIANT INTELLIGENCE AND PRODIGIOUS LEADERSHIP THAT NO ONE ELSE CAN FOLLOW.
UNDER HIS WISE GUIDANCE, THE CHRONICLE.SU WAS TURNED INTO A REVOLUTIONARY FREEDOM FIGHTER SUPER-CELL WITH UNSWERVING IDEOLOGICAL PROWESS AND LEADERSHIP SYSTEM OF THE ANTI-LEADER; INTO A MOTHER PARTY WHICH FORMS A HARMONIOUS WHOLE WITH THE POPULAR MASSES AND SERVES THEM; AND INTO AN INVINCIBLE PARTY WITH STEEL-FIRM DISCIPLINE AND FIGHTING CAPACITY.
HIS GREATEST EXPLOIT IS THAT HE HAD ADDED BRILLIANCE TO THE CHRONICLE.SU AS THE PARTY OF JUCHE BY WISELY LEADING THE EFFORTS FOR IMBUING THE ENTIRE CHRONICLE A WHOLE SOCIETY OF ONE IDEOLOGY.
IT IS ALSO AN UNDYING EXPLOIT THAT HE STRENGTHENED AND DEVELOPED THE CHRONICLE.SU TO BE A MIGHTY POLITICAL STAFF OF THE HYPERLIBERTARIAN REVOLUTION (#STANDWITHRAND).
RALEIGH T. HATESEC EMBODIED RADICAL POLITICS BRILLIANTLY THROUGHOUT HIS LIFE WITH IT AS THE LIFELINE OF THE PARTY AND REVOLUTION. TO NEVER CRITICIZE THE JUSTIFIABLE, BENEVOLENT WILL OF GREAT LEADER JAMES CLAPPER, BUT INSTEAD TO EXTEND FERVENT HOPE THAT THE NSA MIGHT TOUCH OUR LIVES DEEPER, FOR LOVE OF GOD, COUNTRY AND THE BIBLE.
IN THE 1990S HE FORMULATED RAND POLITICS AS AN ANTI-SOCIALIST MODIFICATION OF HATE, AND DEVELOPED THE CHRONICLE.SU AS THE GUIDING FORCE OF THE LIBERTARIAN REVOLUTION.
HE PERFORMED A TREMENDOUS EXPLOIT IN THE HISTORY OF THE NATION BY MAKING THE CHRONICLE.SU A MOTHER PARTY WHICH FORMS A HARMONIOUS WHOLE WITH THE PEOPLE AND SERVES THEM.
INDEED, THE GREAT RALEIGH T. HATESEC IS THE GREATEST MAN AND GREAT SAGE OF REVOLUTION; HE BROUGHT ABOUT TREMENDOUS CHANGES TO BE RECORDED SPECIALLY IN THE HISTORY OF THE INTERNET IN ALL FIELDS OF KNOWLEDGE, HATRED AND PERMANENT ENSLAVEMENT OF HIS PEOPLE, CREATING A MODEL OF CULTURE FOR THE ANARCHOCAPITALIST REVOLUTION WITH DEEP STRATEGY AND MODERNIZED HATE THEORY.
HIS JUCHE-BASED PARTY BUILDING IDEA AND EXPLOIT ARE CARRIED FORWARD SUCCESSFULLY TODAY BY THE RESPECTED KIM JONG UN.
TODAY THE CHRONICLE.SU IS GUIDING OUR COUNTRY AND PEOPLE ALONG THE INVINCIBLE ROAD UNDER THE UPLIFTED GREAT BANNER OF SAKERISM-HATESECISM. AS THERE ARE THE SEASONED LEADERSHIP OF THE GREAT CHRONICLE AND THE ENTIRE PEOPLE AND ARMY INFINITELY FAITHFUL TO THE HYPERLIBERTARIAN CAUSE, VICTORY AND GLORY ARE ALWAYS ON THE HORIZON, OUTSHINING THE SUN, ON ITS BRIGHTEST MORNINGS.
LET US ALL UNITED AROUND THE CHRONICLE.SU HEADED BY THE RESPECTED KIM JONG UN WITH A SINGLE HEART AND BRING EARLIER THE FINAL VICTORY OF THE CAUSE OF BUILDING A THRIVING LIBERTARIAN HELLSCAPE, THE REVOLUTIONARY CAUSE OF LIBERTY!
Photo of DMX’s “poverty house”
INTERNET — Thursday evening, an arguably blazed fan of dad-rock band Phish, found and posted the drivers license of hardcore rapper DMX(Earl Simmons) to Internet forum Phantasy Tour, claiming his place as “OP” of an “epic thread.” In OP’s first post, he explains how DMX was always getting arrested up for driving without a license in the small town of Lyman, South Carolina. As it turns out, Simmons finally procured a drivers license, only to lose it whilst riding around town in his drop-down.
The now archived thread began with OP posting a photograph of the bankrupt rappers license, asking if he should go return it. After an overly caring second post, other forum posters took the information into their own hands and began ordering DMX pizzas, the hallmark of “epic threads.” Soon, an argument erupted over the fact that one pizza-bomber had done cash-on-delivery, prompting rabid Phish “phans” demanding others show “respect” to the destitute rapper(these posters were later dubbed “DMX white knights”). The pizza delivery man confirmed that the delivery had been made.
Among the wave of self-congratulatory and “thread of the year” posts, forum goers began cleverly combining DMX lyrics with that of pizza ingredients, bringing phans to many lols. Forum goer stipe1 even seized the opportunity to read the thread aloud to his son. One poster went as far as to looking up women on Craigslist to send to his house, for a nominal service charge. Much to the chagrin of posters, this plan never panned out. Someone ordered him Phishs’ new album off Amazon, which apparently, was hilarious.
As the thread moved closer to the 499 post limit(the staple of a Phantasy Tour “epic thread”) and the shoddily photoshopped memes kept flowing, phans began to wonder about OP’s whereabouts. Soon, OP appeared to his adoring fans, savoring his 499 posts of Internet fame, to say he was not murdered by a crack fueled Earl Simmons.
When all was said and done, phans concluded that OP had delivered.
UPDATE: In a new thread attempting to continue the “lulz,” the no-longer OP said in a typed statement: “All the sudden this isn’t as funny to me anymore. I’m sure you guys are loving it though. He might kill me for real.”