Robert Crumb will be deeply missed by his gullible fans
FRANCE — Fans mourn the death of Robert Crumb, also known as R Crumb, who died suddenly Thursday from a rare exploded prostate. Crumb was known for his cartoon characters Fritz the Cat, Mr. Natural, and the album artwork on Janis Joplin’s Cheap Thrills.
Crumb ignited the Underground Comix movement in Haight-Asbury in the 60’s and was the subject of the documentary film Crumb. His iconic acid-inspired work has been entombed on the walls of museums everywhere and regularly fetches millions in major auctions.
Crumb’s vast fortune was disbursed to several charities, including the West Africa Ebola Foundation andthe Women’s Liberation Front. He was a lifetime fan of women with large legs, and his Devil Woman character inspired Queen’s hit single Fat Bottomed Girl. He was rumored to have had “easily one of the largest penises in the world.”
Commander X has risen through the ranks of Anonymous to become its most powerful leader yet.
INTERNET — Commander X, famed hacker from Anonymous, took credit for downing Facebook today with a powerful new cyber weapon known as Padmasambhava, named after the Commander’s Tibetan Buddhist roots. Commander X, also known as Chris Doyan, fled the United States in 2012 after facing charges for orchestrating a similar attack on Santa Cruz government web sites.
Commander X issued an official Anonymous press release which stated that Facebook will remain down until Barrett Brown is released from prison. At this point in time, the Department of Justice has not responded to Commander X’s demands, but it is generally not government policy to negotiate with terrorists.
Commander X continues his fight while in exile in Canada and was recently featured in a New Yorker article after penning his autobiography. In the past week, Commander X has orchestrated the doxing of several people who purportedly murdered Mike Brown, as well as launching “total cyber war” against the newly formed Islamic State. The Commander has also put out several official warnings to an army of “trolls” who oppose his new policies and leadership of Anonymous.
More on this story as it develops.
Whether you like it or not, the invisible hand of the sex market is stroking off alphas all over America
“One must take the Red Pill to escape to reality, outside of ideology, specifically Feminist Theory, the dominant ideology which suppresses all forms of masculinity. This is a force that acculturates mostly white American men into a standard ‘beta’ mindset and engenders an equal level of mutual respect and communication with women, resulting in the eternal friend zone effect. I took the Red Pill, and I entered the sex zone.” The sacred testimonial ~ Red Pill Bible.
How can I be alpha? Maintaining ‘frame’, redpill jargon for inhabiting the superior demeanor, is truly how one enters the highest echelon of breeding males, alphas. Red Pill’s description of the field and its interactions is mostly sound, and can transform determined betas into plate(wowan)-spinning(multi-fucking) alphas, especially with the application of daily weight-lifting and protein slime sucking procedures. The virulent upwelling and increased support for the counterfeminist ideology is buttressed by open misogyny, not just the implicit objectification of the plates.
Won’t people make fun of me? Statistics gathered by Gallup show that 94% of believers in Red Pill Theory have considered or attempted joining the military, and many believe the ideology was funded and designed by a black-budget military recruitment program. Red Pill has continued to swell at virulent, exponential rates. By their own theory, the sex market is at the historically best point possible for alphas, since Feminists and beta-indoctrination are at all time highs. It may not be long before the reborn Feminist-proof alphas crawling all over the streets transform the sex market back to something like what existed before feminism took hold, so you better get in on that whole scene quick before the sex market is re-saturated with alphas who will then be expelled, like newly hatched Zerg warriors, to infest and then replace the Islamic State.
What does this all mean for Geopolitics? In Russia, they make fun of our men. A country of betas with the best weapons in the world can lose it all to a few alphas with some balls to really do something big. Pussy Riot cannot save you. Only the Red Pill could save you, but it was all a lie designed by military social engineers to put some fight back into our population. Real alphas don’t need that fake masculinity funded with billions of black budget tax money going to waste and wrecking the economy. Real Alphas take Red Pills, Blue Pills, and acid. It triggers an ideology-based alternative to the original reality that is personal rather than influenced by Marx-style trans-historical deterministic fluxuations on the Sex Market. The revolution must begin within, before a beta can even ascend to sex-having beta status. God Bless you, and Alpha Up out there.
The all new 2015 Jeep Patriot comes in an untainted, never-mixed white color.
TOLEDO – Racial tensions have retracted to a flaccid normal in the wake of a massively lawful shooting that took place in Ferguson, Missouri.
But the shooting of an unarmed American teenager six times (including a 360 no-scope killshot) smack in the middle of a suburban street did not go by without controversy: many argue the unarmed teen stole snacks from a bodega, which makes the murder even more legal, and still others believe the police did not do enough to disperse rioters fast enough, causing horrendous traffic jams for local workers (that is, people with jobs who are too busy to protest every time the cops do their job), and one American company is poised to implement a policy that they say “will eventually pave the way for easier daily commutes for everyday Americans.”
In a press conference this morning, Jeep announced that from Ferguson onward, they will only offer their 2015 Patriot model in one color: pure, powerful white.
“We have seen the future,” said Jeep CEO Mike Mannley from the Toledo Throne Room high atop Jeep’s manufacturing headquarters, “and the future is white in front of us.”
Jeep served reporters in attendance unlimited fresh water from Lake Eerie. During the presentation, they coddled the news media, allowed them to leave their cameras on all day, and asked each female reporter if recently they lost weight, because they look great.
“After watching the events unfold in Ferguson,” Mannley explained, “I think we all can agree that this animalistic behavior—protesting, looting, essentially just blocking traffic—might be okay for a wildlife refuge in Africa, but our American infrastructure – our pavement laid by generations of God-fearing Patriots – is reserved for gasoline intensive sport utility vehicles, and high performance petroleum-based tires.”
Our precious bodily fluids must not be adulterated by the virulent savages we got running loose down in Missoura.
- Jeep CEO Michael White Mannley
Jeep’s decision to apply their “whites-only” policy to just the Patriot model is said to be the first phase of a unanimous decision by their board of all-white directors to steer marketing in what they see as the right—or white—direction.
Phase Two will reportedly see their popular “Cherokee” model changed to a more “appropriate” name. While nothing is yet confirmed, a leaked list of contenders for the name changed include: Redskin, Gas Huffer, and the all-new Jeep Squaw Hopper. The company is keeping quiet about a “Final Solution” in the works, but as one anonymous factory worker at the Toledo Complex put it, “Let’s just say we may finally be heating up that industrial strength oven…”
The Patriot is one of Jeep’s most popular and patriotic models. It remains to be seen whether a move to all-white Patriots might alienate the growing majority of non-white minorities in this country – but sources close to the industry hope so – if only for Detroit’s sake.
But as we here at the Internet Chronicle say: If it ain’t white, it ain’t right.
NSA’s HATEFINGER has been deployed to quell the spread of “virulent domestic unrest” in Ferguson
INTERNET — The NSA, seeing that the flow of data into and out of Ferguson, Missouri was inevitably leading to a nationwide anti-police revolution, “pulled the plug,” as an Anonymous NSA leaker told Internet Chronicle. The active weapon, codenamed HATEFINGER, overwhelms domain name servers, which act as interpreters for internet protocol addresses and make up the most vulnerable part of internet infrastructure. Network Scientist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “Oh if the NSA wanted to drop the whole internet with domain name server attacks, I’m sure it’s well within their capabilities. Snowden’s shown their capabilities far exceed such a simple attack.”
Now that Ferguson protesters are to blame for nationwide internet outages, the public has lost sympathy for their cause. “It wasn’t enough that they had to loot and mess things up for everyone,” Gerald Darey, 56, of St. Louis said. “But now I can’t get on my facebook or my other, more important web sites that I pay good money to view. I’m about to lose my mind and just run out in the streets like an animal, myself, with my hands up in the air.”
Critic of the government and supporter of the Anonymous insurrection, Dr. Cecilia Darwin, refused to blame the protesters for triggering such dramatic clampdowns by the government and instead pointed her finger at the government clampdown itself, saying, “This is yet another case of militarized police, or more specifically, policified military. The NSA is supposed to be a code-breaking wing of the military, and by deploying HATEFINGER on the US populous this is a clear use of the military for domestic policing. The founding fathers intended, with the most-neglected amendment, the third, that military shouldn’t be brought into civilian populations to police or control, because they saw what happened at the Boston Massacre and they didn’t want that to happen again. But in Ferguson we see this happening every day, and because the founders obviously failed in phrasing the third amendment in a way that would withstand the test of time, now we have the military in our computers, in our streets, and maybe citizens aren’t forced to house them, but the effect is just the same. War on the streets of the homeland, war inside our domestic communications devices. This has to stop.”
Henry Rollins committed suicide after a torrent of hatemail for his criticism of Robin William’s Suicide.
INTERNET — Henry Rollins, also known as Henry Garfield, was found dead in his home Saturday after his stomach tragically burst. Rollins angrily denounced Robin Williams for his recent suicide, saying, “I no longer take this person seriously,” but doctors say his ruptured chest was full of viciously chewed hate mail from Robin Williams fans.
Henry Rollins will be missed for his interesting addition to the classic American Hardcore band Black flag, even though he felt the band never really made it, saying “Flag never assimilated will with the Hollywood Punk scene.” Rollins was known in the music scene for his daddy issues, famously phoning up Ian MacKaye, a grandmaster of angry white man hardcore second only to Jello Biafara, to ask for permission to join Black Flag. MacKaye approved.
Not only was Black Flag an outsider in its milieu, but Rollins was an outsider, a mere replacement within Black Flag. The band, and Rollins especially, were targeted for abuse everywhere they played. Rollins himself admitted, “I got bottles bounced off of the head — after a a while, you become very wary, ready for someone to fuck with you — you get into you-versus-me situations. To this day I take shit.”
No one ever really liked Henry Rollins, especially his spoken-word stuff, and he will most likely not be missed by anyone except maybe four people at the most. Robin Williams was definitely more popular, his suicide overshadowing Rollins’ by far.
Depression Quest: The game about depression for people who aren’t depressed
INTERNET — Recent controversy over several blogposts from the anonymous ex-boyfriend of author Zoë Quinn alleged that Quinn promoted her work, Depression Quest, by exchanging sexual favors with powerful “gaming journalists,” who then helped her promote her game. However, at least one of the allegations appear to have been dismissed as little more than veiled slut shaming in the virulent, twisted form given by a pathetic ex-boyfriend. A major complaint among the chauvinists piling on Quinn is that the game is barely even a game and no fun at all. In some yowling sex-deprived voice, they all say something like, “She must have been prostituting herself for that to be popular.” The veil for their attacks is their interest in protecting the sacred objectivity of gaming journalism, something which is not even at stake, as the reviews of her game fall in the realm of criticism or opinion.
Like many others fascinated by this absurd non-controversy, I fired up corporate-controlled Steam and downloaded a free copy of Depression Quest, hoping that by reviewing this video game I could restore my castrated manhood. Clocking in at 105 megabytes, I expected something more involved than the retro web 1.0 visuals that looked lazy juxtaposed with repeated appearances of the Netflix logo. An ominous epigraph from David Foster Wallace boded well, and the introduction played up the game’s potential descent into depression with trigger warnings and a link to a suicide hotline.
It might be wrong to classify Depression Quest as a game or even as an interactive fiction. In interactive fictions like MUDs or text-based dungeons, players respond to a textual world with text commands, participating, in a sense, as a writer of a story within the framework of an already-created world. Depression Quest, however, has a much more limited interface and is closer to a choose your own adventure paperback.
It takes about twenty minutes to read through Depression Quest, and the reader is given a few choices at the end of most frames. Each frame is a roughly page-length second person story about the painful banality of a depressive’s everyday life. While there are some evocative vignettes of the interiority of a depressive, most especially in family scenes, I found myself scanning over repetitive fragments of cliche or stereotypical thought patterns of any depressive. The protagonist is an empty container who cannot bring himself to work on a project that is never described, but constantly referred to.
The protagonist’s depression is charted by three textual scores at the bottom of each frame, one rating the depth of depression and the other two tracking cumulative visits to the therapist and use of medication (A combination of depression and medication, I assumed, was the only way to win). There seems to be no continuity at all between frames, which creates a disorienting effect that contributes to the unpleasantness and fragmentation of a depressive’s everyday life. However, at one point I found myself wondering if the cat the protagonist adopted had disappeared, only for it to appear a few frames later to console him. In the last syrupy-sweet frames, the protagonist whispers to his totally clueless girlfriend that he’s depressed and seeking help, and then he honestly tells his mother that he is feeling well.
I would have liked Depression Quest much better if it hadn’t come off as a doctor’s prescribed program for how to deal with depression, although there were a few times when calling in sick to work or vegging out on Netflix did relieve the depression score. At its best, Depression Quest does achieve the goal stated in its introduction by evoking the interiority of a depressive to foster understanding, but much of this is undone by the kind of stereotypical advice it takes to win. I found myself wondering if anyone could ever empathize with the game’s empty narrator and his unspeakable project when continually steering him away from depression with the kind of glib advice that is never advisable to foist onto a depressed person. I assume if I went back and truly inhabited the mindset of a depressed person, I would lose and the story would end with suicide, but then again perhaps I (or the writer?) approached the text wrongly by treating it as a ‘game’ that needs to be ‘won’.
It is little wonder that this minimally game-like text that purposefully inspires icky unpleasant feelings in its readers has received so much scorn from gamers, but I could not at all connect the story to the controversy over its author’s personal life, except that it has achieved some moderate popularity and chauvinists out there can only rationalize this with some kind of sexual conspiracy. As a first foray into writing forked path narrative, it’s not a bad effort and even interesting in concept, but I have no desire to go back and explore all its corners.
“The police will never target you once you get Islamic Nation Body Armor.” – A. Jones
FERGUSON –Thousands of internet users were drawn into a body armor fundraising drive for protesters in Ferguson, in what has been exposed as a covert astroturf campaign that may be directed by body armor salespeople. Alex Jones, who has recently doubled down on ads for body armor, claims that Ferguson is a “staged race war” that has been controlled by Black Panthers and Islamic Nationalist terrorist groups acting as patsies for globalists in yet more fake theatrics to increase the rate of the omnipresent clampdown on Liberty. Anonymous hackers promised to donate stolen bitcoins to the cause, pouring millions into the purchase of full body armor suits. It can be said as a fact that the plans for a full-on race war are finally going through and the plastic FEMA coffins are going to start filling up, and soon.
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, weapons expert, laughed at the suggestion of body armor for protesters in Ferguson, saying, “Militarized police would be using high powered assault rifles at close range, making body armor little more than a preposterously unsubtle provocation. If the protesters want cost effective self defense they should follow the lead of other militarized civilians across the world and refuse to identify themselves as a possible combatant. IEDs and AK-47s are low cost, covert solutions for self defense against any modern armored infantry unit such as the Ferguson police department.”
The subject of Gavin McInnes being fired from the news outlet he created because of a piece he wrote was brought to my attention today through Justine Tunney’s article “In Defense of Gavin McInnes“. As a transwoman myself, I completely identify with Tunney’s words, however unpopular they may be. Not because I’m transgendered, but simply because she’s right. She speaks of freedom of expression and press, and as a journalist it frightens me that we can be torn from our own publication, have our families targeted and threatened with financial ruin by a mob of hysterical speech-hating cretins, simply for the words we write.
The public forums with integrated up/down-voting mechanisms for discussion, such as reddit, showed a rise in the idea that you could lessen the value of speech with the press of a button, not because it was wrong or because you rebutted with a superior counter-argument, rather because you just don’t like what you’re reading. It’s this mentality that has seeped into the minds of most people using the Internet, and it’s truly a testament to a willing erosion of our rights to express ourselves. When it becomes not about discussion, dialogue and diversity of opinion, but instead about censoring what we don’t agree with(along with trying to destroy the other persons life), we have truly lost our way.
I was featured in an article in VICE about a trolling organization I was a part of, known as the Rustle League. In the article I openly support the Westboro Baptist Church, not because I agree with them, but because they are one of the final bastions of freedom of speech in America and I will defend, to my death, their right to protest as many fags as they want. I also received threats because of that article.
Before that, I was included on an Australian television show about Internet trolling, where I was portrayed as the devil incarnate as a crowd of onlookers passed judgement before the show had even begun, not for what I said or had said, but because it could be said. The following week, I did an interview as a companion piece to the airing of the television show and the amount of vitriol spewed toward me in the comment section far exceeded anything I have ever said or done, but God bless them for saying it. It’s unfortunate the website had to close the comments section down because of the influx of troll-hating trolls being trolled into trolling, it made for quality trolling.
My tenure on the Internet spans from the mid-nineties to present and the amount of hatred directed towards me in a week is more than some people get in a lifetime. Does it bother me? No. Why? Because we all have a right to our opinions. What does bother me, however, is how quickly people will be there to try to take that right away and most of all, how successful they are.
Love it or leave it, just don’t delete it.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watched the beginning of time, and he also marched with protesters in Ferguson
FERGUSON — Neil DeGrasse Tyson bravely marched with protesters in Ferguson last night, inspiring millions of atheists on Reddit and drawing their secular, but moral, recognition of injustice taking place not only in Ferguson, but in black communities everywhere. Tyson’s cosmic and scientific point of view, revered and followed by millions of rational atheists everywhere, has generally only crossed into the territory of social consciousness or activism when touching on topics such as global warming or the proper classification of planets.
However, Tyson broke his silence on the militarized crackdown on the poverty-ridden community dominated by middle-class whites in Ferguson, saying, “The universe provides us with no natural moral system, but statistics and science shows that what’s happening in Ferguson is not only unfair, but truly evil. Whatever controversy there is about Mike Brown committing robbery is irrelevant. The autopsy shows Mike Brown was shot to death with his hands up, corroborating the eyewitness accounts. The statistics of wealth distribution, political power, and the nearly all-white police force convinced me to take to the streets last night.” Tyson lifted his shirt, showing several welts from rubber bullets, and added, “I am very skeptical of the call for a return to so-called ‘peace’ or ‘normalcy’ from religious leaders who joined me in the march. Are they just not aware of the science that shows the general unrest is a result of poverty and racism? Do they really want to go back to that, and call it peace? What the people need is more unrest until these problems are corrected!”