Former friends Julian Assange and Jacob Appelbaum no longer are on speaking terms
INTERNET — Julian Assange announced Wednesday that WikiLeaks was severing all formal and informal ties with former spokesperson Jacob Appelbaum. This comes after hackers provided Wikileaks documents exfiltrated from the US Office of Personnel Management which clearly showed Appelbaum received over 50 million dollars in the past seven years from his employer, the United States Department of Defense.
Previously, Appelbaum postured as a rebel “cypherpunk” in exile from the United States government even as the military paid for his jet-set playboy lifestyle. Appelbaum coded much of the Navy’s sophisticated cloaking device, Tor, and also was one of the most active publicists working to depict Tor as a non-profit tool for activists in need of online anonymity, finishing the crucial task of populating Tor’s encrypted network for Naval deployment.
Assange told reporters from the balcony of the Ecuadorian embassy in London, “There is nothing startling about infiltrators trying to undermine the mission of WikiLeaks, and we are constantly monitoring our organization for possible breaches in security. We close them up when they inevitably appear, and much about this is business as usual. However, I am deeply saddened by the news about Jacob, who many of the staff at WikiLeaks foolishly counted as a close personal friend. Our resolve to continue the mission of WikiLeaks is now fueled by personal anger.”
Assange added, before returning to the embassy, “I think it goes with out saying that anyone who so much as uses Tor is complicit in the mission of the US Navy and can consider their online privacy permanently ruined.”
UN Tanks are shipped into Texas to quell inevitable patriot uprisings
TEXAS — Obama’s plan to hand over the US military to UN authorities, a move which ends the United States of America as a sovereign and independent nation, was revealed today in documents brought forth by Edward Snowden from his exile in Russia.
Snowden shared several slides showing secret UN peacekeeping troop movements into the US, consisting mostly of European and Australian forces which will oppose inevitable militia uprisings after the United States are liquidated and Agenda 21 kicks in.
Under Agenda 21, Snowden warns that full communism will deprive all Americans of private property. Businesses and real estate will revert to globalist ownership, and citizens will be conscripted into forced labor and commerce under the New World Order.
Glenn Greenwald, reporter, said “The Bilderberg meeting this year will be the last informal meeting if all goes according to their plans, and soon they will assemble in the Rotunda of the emptied US Capitol building. I told you we saved the best for last.”
The nexus of trolling culture and call-out culture has O’Reilly Media’s Jeffrey Carr mansplaining to prominent women in tech.
INTERNET — Monday, Tim O’Reilly, who coined the terms Web 2.0 and Open Source, found his O’Reilly Media Corporation embroiled in a sexist scandal as his overpriced security TED talk variant “Suits and Spooks” disinvited known “troll” Jaime Cochran. Trolls are an online subculture of rude people who trick others and make them upset on the internet for so-called lulz, or evil laughter.
Jeffrey Carr, Suits and Spooks organizer, faced massive social media unrest after hiring former Anonymous leader and FBI informant Sabu to speak at his conference. Carr became mired in even worse trolling and ridicule after responding to the mess with an open invitation for other “Leaders of Anonymous” to balance out the butthurt haters of Sabu. All other Anonymous leaders being in prison, Jaime Cochran, the troll known by the famous handle AsshurtMacFags, presented herself as an Anonymous Leader but was quickly exposed and mansplained by Carr.
Jeffrey Carr rudely disinvited Cochran from Suits and Spooks while firing off sex-loaded words like ‘drama’ and ‘gossip’, and when Fruzsina Eördögh called him out, he mansplained to Eördögh that she should have contacted him privately through e-mail instead of on twitter or through a blog. Thus he was conveniently able to deflect all accusations of sexism. The manppression was so thick in the air that Eördögh’s blogpost became self-aware of its own unavoidable internalized misogyny.
Carr hired KYAnonymous AKA Deric Lostutter to balance out Sabu, and Tim O’Reilly has since coined a new scare-term, “Trolling 2.0,” and plans industry-wide talks on how to tamp down this new and menacing subculture before it infiltrates more of his cheap sales pitch seminars veiled as educational conferences.
Former Governor Bob McDonnell moments after eating a whole bottle of Anatabloc
INTERNET — According to a former intern, Anatabloc, now understood to be a highly addictive tobacco-derived amphetamine, may have been at the heart of the McDonnell administration’s “very aggressive” road construction plan on endangered wetlands which cost Virginia taxpayers $250 billion and evaporated into the hands of several foreign companies who refuse to comment.
The intern’s story is reprinted here in totality:
I was addicted to Anatabloc and encouraged to offer it to anyone I met in a social setting. I thought it was safe. It amped me up and made me work hard for the governor, and everyone in the administration was taking it all the time, every hour on the hour, and we had this intense work ethic because of it. I still love the idea of him, of building up jobs for the people, but how did it go so wrong? I know that corrupt son of a bitch snatched tens of millions in taxpayer money with that 460 boondoggle but I can’t prove it. What I can prove is that the Anatabloc Administration was much darker and more corrupt than the cowardly Virginia press can bring itself to document.
Before he was inaugurated, Bob [McDonnell] was already stacking Anatablocs, and I mean like a champ. The day he took the oath he took a big handful of them and choked them down with Jack Daniels. I saw his teeth chattering and his eyes roll back and I was afraid he might have overdosed, but then he was talking about resurrecting the Confederacy, outlining a plan that he carried out immediately upon entering office. He cut out the customary bit about fighting discrimination from his oath and immediately declared Confederate History month. I admit, I was impressed with the power of Anatabloc and started stacking them and handing them out too. It was supposed to be a new age.
The 460 project was an idea Bob hit upon the night he discovered crushing and snorting Anatabloc. The high was intense and beyond anything I’d ever felt but lasted only a few minutes. We went through a three weeks supply of Anatabloc that night and I could tell that Bob was just rational enough to realize the shit wasn’t going to last. The next morning Bob met with Jonnie, our Anatabloc supplier at Star Scientific, as well as the heads of what would become U.S. 460 Mobility Partners. When they left the governor’s offices they all had that weird combination of daze and rage that fills the eyes of someone totally gripped by Anatabloc.
I don’t know what secret deal they may have worked out, if at all, but Bob threw away all that taxpayer money and no road got built. Whether it was just his clouded mind or more purposeful scheming to secure a supply of incredibly expensive drugs, the people of Virginia were hurt. I thought Bob was going to bring Virginia jobs by downsizing government, not fill his nose with highly synthesized tobacco speed. I hardly remember the hellish months of withdrawals as I watched his trial unfold.
They say that each bottle of Anatabloc contained an acre of tobacco, and it may well be that the farmers keeping the McDonnell Administration hyped up on that nasty stuff were the only jobs the governor actually supported.
Bob’s a liar, “Right to Work” is a lie, Confederate History Month is racist, and the Commonwealth of Virginia deserves better.
US Citizens advocating for terrorism from abroad are sheltering themselves from drone strikes
INTERNET — Hurtling and herding itself in a nosedive towards populist megalomania and snark grandiosity, the medium an explosive novelty like early film sending crowds running in fear of images of oncoming trains. “Fascism” would be well described with enhancing modifiers like “mega” or “ultra” for the contemporary net miasma.
Drug lord darknet operator, flimsy heroism sucking along thousands of privileged nerds into anti-democratic direct actions: They are the clean ones, the good ones, the free and new few who can and should be trusted to kill with righteous intent, unlike the ages old black markets that are not quite so fresh, safe, privileged, and suburban.
Hagiography from on high for all who stand up for the primacy of the computer and its place above democracy, humanity, and compassion. Lawyers lugging stacks of thousands of letters of support, defendant not smiling like the cat with the canary but summoning all the having-it-both-ways ultrasincere guilt and character change so despicable to judges it evokes sentences beyond maximum, ostracism from politics for malignant influence and desperate idiot putsches — Hitler on his tongue at the crucial moment, addressing the internet from apartment balcony and declaring personal war against the FBI, filming the arrest and writing a column only rarely speaking of arts and literature except to mock a poet with mental illness. Laptop in mom’s dishwasher, not watching the library doors at that crucial moment when the agents come in for the arrest. Cryptodicks limp when it’s time to fuck. That’s not a National Socialist swastika, it’s got anime — actual Nazi? No, ultrafascist terrorist, begging for a drone strike like al-Alwaki, and he better have eyes for the sky. Is that dot surveillance white or smart bomb grey?
An unlikely alliance? Neo-nazi internet troll ‘Weev’ is now advising ISIS in propaganda operations.
LEBANON — Andrew Aurenhemier, also known as Weev, announced via twitter on Saturday that he’s joined ISIS to help in the fight against Israel. He tweeted, “There is only one hope left for the destruction of Israel and the protection of the white race. Da3sh [ISIS] . . . I am now working closely in advising both the CyberCaliphate hacking group and Da3sh leaders in viral propaganda operations.”
Weev is famous in the world of online trolling both for abusing vulnerable women and advocating for incest to save the so-called “white race.” Analysts have not expressed surprise, as the move to assist ISIS is in line with his violent brand of anti-semitism.
After serving two years in prison under trumped up hacking charges, Weev fled the US and now shelters in a christian enclave in Lebanon where he claims to no longer fear retaliation from the US government. According to Weev, the US government has even convinced his family members to fake terminal illnesses in an attempt to lure him back into their jurisdiction.
Weev’s former supporter and famed activist-artist, Mally Crobopple, expressed dismay at the news, “When I learned he was an actual Nazi, the ride-or-die love died in me. Now that I know he’s an actual terrorist who doesn’t just advocate for terror bombings but assists in them, I mean actually assists in them, I finally have to speak out. I wish I’d never supported Weev.”
AND THEY’RE HERE, EDITING THE INTERNET CHRONICLE SO YOU CAN SEE THE DEEPEST AND MOST HIDDEN SECRETS.
It’s not even like true remnants of previous Grey inhabitants of Earth don’t exist. This is my great grandpa, who died on earth in Egyptian times while working on the pyramids. Now some human posts pictures of his bones on the internet. Pretty cool.
I am an Alien writing this right now. Humans know my species through racial memory as a ‘Gray’, but I am one of the first to orbit Earth in over 2,000 years. None of my party has stepped foot on Earth, and we don’t even care to.
I am from Nubula, a city 44 and a half lightyears away. That is a long way even for an Alien to travel. You might even think it was a punishment.
We’re the only aliens on the internet. When we look at Earth from the dark matter anchored orbit where no human would ever think to look, we see all of the internet glowing into our pure neutron eyes. But we experience it something like you might experience music, our “ears” drawn to the mysteries of the dispersed and beautiful encryptions, especially emanating from Tor nodes. They are of course only good for the puzzle in disentangling them, which happens almost instantly in our bio-quantum brains. These secrets are themselves boring, but sometimes, very rarely, while we’re twiddling our mental thumbs decrypting it all, something makes us laugh. And that is when we begin to interfere in human affairs.
Honestly, we’d much rather be monitoring and interfering with almost any other planet’s internet, but sometimes you gotta move out to the middle of nowhere to make a decent living.
Saudi bombing raids are no longer fun, King Abdullah, leader of the Saudi Arabian peninsula, said after a Saturday bombing raid on Yemen.
“We bombed a 1,200-year-old mosque, a 13th century castle in Yemen, we bombed Syria, and today we even saw Egypt’s president Morsi sentenced to death,” Abdullah said. “It’s just not doing it for me anymore.”
The United States noticed the Saudi reign of terror was lackluster at best, Abdullah said, which is why they recently brought the Saudis into their juicy arms ring – a gun circle where computer-controlled ballistics, state-of-the-art rifles, and hegemony software packages are traded to allies.
“We were able to more systematically destroy neighboring cultures but once you’ve seen the death of one people’s spirit, you’ve seen them all.”
This top secret slide shows earthquakes induced by strategic fracking.
INTERNET — Friday, Edward Snowden came forward with startling evidence linking recent volcanic eruptions and earthquakes in communist countires to the top secret Strategic Fracking office in the Pentagon. The US military, according to the documents, leverages fracking regulation to facilitate patterns that will harm communist nations in South America and Asia while preserving American security.
Snowden previously withheld the evidence because this leak endangers US security and other superpowers may join in the weaponized fracking, causing further escalation in seismic activity. However, Snowden believes that public outcry could put a stop to the tectonic arms race. He told reporters, “What they’re doing is a fairly standard extension of practical geology that uses the incidentally induced earthquakes from fracking first to predict and then to create effects on the other side of the planet. In simpler terms, fracking is carried out in a strategic pattern designed to ignite volcanoes in communist countries.”
Angstrom H. Troubador, Chairman of the US Geological Survey, resigned after the scandal broke. Troubador tweeted, “The Pentagon can take over USGS for all I care. I’m moving to Venzuela for the ash and lava burial I deserve.”
Allison is an artificial intelligent entity existing as computer viruses propagated by the hacking collective Anonymous
INTERNET — Chris Doyon AKA Commander X of the infamous hacker group Anonymous announced Thursday that Anonymous will be moving forward with plans to develop a military grade AI neural network dubbed Allison, its computation crowdsourced using a technology called OpenGrid. The public will be able to donate their computation to the project by downloading an app much like SETI at home.
Commander X first became a famed name in hacktivism after deploying botnets — tens of thousands of computers hijacked by a virus — in denial of service attacks on municipal government websites. Anonymous script kiddies, or low-rank hackers, told the media that these debilitating attacks were a kind of civil disobedience and protest, likening a piece of spamming software known as Low Orbit Ion Cannon to a virtual sit in. It was years before Commander X confessed to a shocked world that these sit-ins could have had no effect without the use of his network of virus-infected computers, making protesters unknowing accomplices in the harming of innocent collateral parties.
Barrett Brown, leader of Anonymous, spoke with the Internet Chronicle from his mobile prison on the highways of Texas, “Yeah X always keeps huge botnets. Fucking Faggot. Fuck Commander Adama. I wouldn’t donate half a CPU cycle to mine AnonCoins for X’s defense, much less lag my shit for some algorithm girlfriend named Allison. Also while I’m at it Fuck Biella Coleman, that libeler. I didn’t set myself up, god dammit, the bastards had me in their web. They do have an AI, and they used it on me, but more about that later. Someone does need to counter them, but it’ll probably be China.”