Osama’s corpse was not buried at sea.
WASHINGTON — After WikiLeaks reported that there were no witnesses to Osama Bin Laden’s burial at sea, an anonymous leaker from the Secret Service stepped forward with a startling claim — Bin Laden’s corpse was stuffed and put on display in Obama’s smoking room, perpetually locked in a ferocious and terrifying gesture next to the president’s favorite pinball machine.
Abu Muhammed, ISIS general, said, “The Islamic State will battle all the way to Washington DC and reclaim the defiled body of the Great Martyr.” Islamic theology holds that one day Islam is destined to control the entire world.
Two prosecutors are now dead in the investigation of an Iranian Bombing
ARGENTINA — Albert Nisman was shot dead by an unknown villain after he threatened to bring a case against Argentine President Cristina Fernandez for an alleged Iranian Bombing coverup.
Friday, Gerardo Pollitica took over the investigation and by Saturday evening he was also shot dead.
From his mobile prison in Texas, Barrett Brown told Anonymous, “Anons in Argeninta, Investigate! Anon took out Scientology, Anon took out ISIS. Project PM announces the formation of #OpJeSuisNisman, and we will bring Freedom to Argentina like we did to Tunisia. Anons, I cannot send out timely messages about the multitude of stories I miss while in Diesel Therapy. Remember! Never waste a good media event, and if it’s a slow day make one up.”
Fans mourn the passing of Guy Fieri
INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Guy Fieri, Food Network’s host for hit television show Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives. Fieri died Saturday evening from an impacted stool that ruptured his appendix and caused a fatal infection.
Fieri was known for reviewing some of the best food joints in America, traveling in his iconic red Mustang.
Guy entered his iconic “hunch” for the last time on Friday afternoon, eating a corned beef and pastrami sandwiched between two doughnuts smothered in “food lube” at Gerry’s Diner in Des Moines.
“He’s in the flavor town in the sky now, no doubt,” said Food Network chef and personal friend of Fieri’s, Mario Batali.
Chopped Judges were accidentally served blood tainted with HIV.
INTERNET — Chopped Judges and celebrity chefs Aaron Sanchez, Alex Guarnaschelli, and Marc Murphy tested positive for HIV after ingesting trace amounts of infected blood during the filming of the competition cooking show. It is unknown which competitor is responsible, but Food Network is investigating.
Contestants on Chopped are given just minutes to concoct dishes to please the judges and often cut themselves in haste. Usually the camera crews spot accidental contamination of food by contestants, even if the accident goes unnoticed to the contestant.
Ted Allen, the show’s host, said, “Cameras can’t catch every detail, but we are reviewing footage as well as investigating medical records to see who might be responsible. Despite this unfortunate and tragic accident, the show must go on.”
Food Network plans to air a special episode of Chopped in which HIV positive chefs will serve dishes to the newly infected judges, emphasizing safety and tolerance.
Heather Marsh, leader of the New Anonymous, is reportedly “Not even lowercase anonymous”
INTERNET — Today a group identifying itself as Anonymous launched Operation Death Eaters, a vigilante law-enforcement operation which promises to independently prosecute and execute pedophiles in high office.
However, an official Anonymous press release revealed that because Operation Death Eaters is coordinated by Heather Marsh, who is not anonymous, this operation cannot truly be the work of Anonymous.
An Anonymous spokesperson in New York, using the alias “Hector Monsegur,” told reporters, “Heather Marsh is not even lowercase anonymous. She’s a leaderfag and a fascist with maniacal delusions of revolution and power. We’re going to show her the real Anonymous.”
The official press release stated that “[Marsh] is not Anonymous. [Marsh] is Helen Lovejoy,” referencing a well-known character in the Simpsons who has become a symbol of middle-class mob mentality, often crying, “think of the children!” It also stated, “. . . we are launching an open source investigation public inquiry into her personal life.”
Political analyst and expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “The great power that has been achieved by Heather Marsh by appropriating the Anonymous brand could ruin the careers of any politician she may want to point her finger at, and what’s worse, it definitely does not jive with the Anonymous brand. I think, although this is just speculation, that there is a political agenda, perhaps even a political party backing her and the operation which will ruin whatever politicians stand in its way just by a mere accusation.”
Professor at MacGill University and eminent Anonymous expert Bella Coleman said, “The prankish lulz that either motivate Anonymous operations or are injected into the more serious operations just are nowhere to be seen in Operation Death Eaters. Many of the hardcore Anons will agree that this means it’s no longer the true Anonymous, but I see it as Anonymous changing. No one gets to define what is or isn’t the ‘True’ Anonymous.”
NSA leaker Edward Snowden unveils “Desert Planet” endgame for US chemtrailing operations: Only Monsanto approved life will survive.
INTERNET — Edward Snowden spoke out after reports of rapid desertification in Mongolia have shocked millions, saying, “The desertification in Mongolia is an intentional effect created by the DARPA weather modification program that aims to turn the planet into an inhospitable wasteland while preserving perfect conditions for Monsanto products in America.”
Four Herders in lower Mongolia were jailed for protesting the Chinese government policy that outlawed grazing in areas threatened with desertification. Protesters say the government’s mining and forestry operations in their former nomadic homelands are to blame for the desertification, not the grazing.
Edward Snowden said, “While I stand with these nomads and want to protect their way of life, they should be blaming the US government. Their end game is to turn everything but Monsanto’s farms into a lifeless wasteland, because National Security has become more important to them than basic humanity.”
Facebook “whitening” native names to make whites feel more comfortable
INTERNET — Native Americans on Facebook may find their given names altered to sound more white, according to reports. Lance Brown Eyes had his name altered to Lance Brown, and has since struggled and failed to get any response at all from the one-person team responsible for instituting Facebook’s “real name” policy.
Facebook spokesperson Daneel Olivaw told reporters, “We encourage non-whites to use more approachable names, white names, simply because our algorithm for testing fake names is limited. Plus, it makes it easier on their white friends who may become confused.”
When asked why it was so important to police native names, Olivaw said, “Fake names lead to an unsafe environment, and because all of our detection of fake names is automated, this lets us keep the service free.”
Olivaw grew impatient and angry as reporters needled him with questions about why only one human was responsible for such a tremendous task, “Hey, I don’t tell you how to run your business, do I? Facebook is not a public space, it is a private space, and you follow our rules by our grace. You will construct your authentic self within our framework of acceptable behavior.”
Facebook quickly announced that Olivaw was “under investigation,” but the naming policy at Facebook hasn’t changed, and the atmosphere of colonial control and oppression fostered by Facebook’s automated name policy has poisoned the well for natives.
“We don’t want to go back to Facebook,” said George Tall Eagle. “It’s a racist system. We need our own Facebook with our own set of rules.”
Whistleblower says the CIA made Brian Williams Lie.
INTERNET — A whistleblower from the CIA released conclusive information to the hacker collective Anonymous that showed the CIA was acting as “de facto editor-in-chief” for all network and cable news stations. That means that a CIA agent ultimately controlled what Brian Williams could and couldn’t say, while giving him cash rewards for hamming up stories about combat in Iraq.
The whistleblower also alleged that Bob Simon, dead Wednesday evening from a fatal car crash, was on the verge of coming forward with an investigative report that would show conclusive proof that the CIA has been controlling the content of practically every major newspaper at home and abroad, and most actively in Syria and the Ukraine.
Williams has totally disappeared from the public eye and was suspended for six months without pay.
After an extra terrestrial craft was spotted entering Earth’s atmosphere in New Zealand, experts ask: Why have so many aliens been returning to earth in recent decades?
INTERNET — New Zealanders gawked as a blinding flash and sonic booms rocked the airspace above the island nation. Meteorite expert Joel Schliff said the object was “almost certainly extra terrestrial,” leading many to speculate why the past half-century has seen such a rapid increase in visits from alien craft, starting with Roswell.
Ancient Alien theorist Giorgio Tsoukalos explained, “We know that the aliens were instrumental in the rise of all human civilizations. Their unmistakable imprint is ubiquitous in archaeology, history, art, and mythology, but we don’t know why.”
Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador of MIT’s astrobiology lab said, “If human civilization was in any way altered or engineered by an alien civilization then we can deduce that its major effects on the biosphere are desirable to the aliens. It would follow that if we see an increase in alien monitoring activities, that’s a clue that somehow this long project is coming to a head, that the Earth is nearly ripe for alien habitation. Isn’t it funny that de-terraforming Earth amounts to humanity’s greatest engineering feat, even though it is largely considered an accident? Surely nuclear detonations immediately triggered increased alien monitoring since a total transition to carbon-free nuclear energy is possible. But for some reason, humanity continues to fill the atmosphere with gases toxic to terrestrial life and more suitable for most alien species. Very strange indeed.”
CHAPEL HILL, NC — Muslims gathered in cities around America carrying banners that said, “Je Suis Charlie,” after Craig Lee Hicks shot three Muslims in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, allegedly over an ongoing parking row that erupted into a deadly dispute over satire.
According to protesters, they have adopted the “Je Suis Charlie” slogan because they believe the three dead Muslims were aggressively “satirizing” Hicks for Islamophobia before he resorted to a murderous hate crime.
The victims were shot in the head, execution style, reportedly while delivering crude but incisive remarks directed at Hicks. Reportedly, Barakat jokingly told Hicks, moments before his execution, “If you shoot me down I’ll become more powerful than you can imagine — over 72 virgins.” Despite the satiric intent, this comment is said to have been taken seriously by Hicks, who then flew into a murderous rage as the Muslim students laughed in his face.
Hicks turned himself in to a local police department without incident, smiling when he told officers, “I have taken care of the local ISIS sleeper cell.”