INTERNET — Thursday, President Trump introduced a plan to legalize the sale and ownership of all firearms in the United States. With his so-called “Gun Amnesty Program,” or GAP, Trump aims to create a database of all guns, legal and illegal, regardless of their classification.
The president’s plan will follow the “widest possible” interpretation of the 2nd amendment in order to supersede all state laws. This means rocket propelled grenades, guided missiles, and even artillery pieces will be available to civilians, and any weapons already in existence need only be included in the Gun Amnesty Database to attain legal status.
White House Press Secretary Sara Huckabee Sanders told reporters, “There may be a small fee, no more than $20, but the president wants the process to be open to anyone, so there may be income-based waivers for the impoverished. We’re going to restore the second amendment to its intended, original meaning.”
Trump told reporters “If we’d had this law in place to begin with, the terrible, awful shooting at Mandalay Bay wouldn’t have happened. We don’t want to take anyone’s guns, and in fact we want you to have the machine guns, the large caliber ‘destructive devices.’ We need BIG guns to protect America!”
However, some gun experts are skeptical that a better armed citizenry could have any impact at all on a shooting such as took place at Mandalay Bay. Forgotten Weapons presenter Ian Macullen told reporters, “The Vegas Gunman’s perch, 500 yards from the concert, is really not an easy shot. You’d need an experienced sharpshooter placed in advance, probably with some kind of thermal scope and incredible skill and luck to be able to return fire and save any lives at all. They already do this at the Super Bowl, but it’s very expensive.”
Elon Musk came forward with a pitch for a new, cheap alternative to counteract mass shootings in events where sharpshooters will blow the budget. “We’ve been in talks with the Chinese military and we’re going to work on developing a specialized version of their self-destructing drone. It will be able to automatically target and respond to the gunfire in less than a minute, even deep inside of buildings or bunkers, ultimately detonating a narrow cone shrapnel device that will neutralize the threat.” Tesla’s already overvalued stock jumped $5,000 in just two hours after this announcement, eclipsing bitcoin as the hottest investment around.
Gun Control Czar under the Obama Administration, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador now Joint Chief of the International Plowshare Protocol, harshly criticized Trump’s plan.
“There were armed militias present when the neonazis marched on Charlottesville, but did any of them open fire on the terrorist who plowed into the crowd with his vehicle? Could they have done anything to stop him?” Dr. Troubador asked viewers. “Hell no. They hardly even know how to aim those things. In my opinion Trump wants a list of people with guns, and he’s going to come after you and your rights. Why does he need to take your guns, when he can take all your money with the push of a button?” The good Doctor smiled for his audience and said, “Ye fiyad.”