Month: July 2011

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED HOW ALL THE CELESTIAL BODIES AND EVERY ASTRONOMICAL PHENOMENON HAS A REAL NAME EXCEPT FOR OUR SOLAR SYSTEM, WHICH IS SIMPLY CALLED “THE SOLAR SYSTEM”?
OF COURSE YOU HAVE! JUST AS EVERYONE ELSE HAS, ONLY NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT IT SINCE WE ALL FEEL POWERLESS TO EFFECT ANY CHANGES ON EARTH, MUCH LESS BEING ABLE TO IMAGINE GOING SO FAR AS TO BELIEVING WE COULD DO SOMETHING AS AMBITIOUS AS NAMING AN ENTIRE SOLAR SYSTEM! BUT, NOW YOU MAY HAVE A CHANCE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! THE SCHWA CORPORATION’S NAME THE SOLAR SYSTEM CONTEST IS HERE! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PUT YOUR IDEAS FOR A NAME OR NAMES FOR THE SOLAR SYSTEM INTO SOME READABLE FORM AND MAIL IT IN. DO IT NOW AND HAVE YOUR THOUGHTS POTENTIALLY IMMORTALIZED ON THE BIGGEST SOLAR SYSTEM WITHIN A FEW LIGHT YEARS OF THE EARTH!
TRY THE SCHWA CORPORATION’S NAME THE SOLAR SYSTEM CONTEST RIGHT NOW. SIMPLY SEND YOUR SUBMISSION WITH A SELF-ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPE TO:
NAME THE SOLAR SYSTEM! P.O.BOX 6064 RENO, NV 89513
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DISCLAIMERS, INDEMNIFICATION AND LIMITATIONS:
ALL EMPLOYEES OF THE SCHWA CORPORATION, THEIR FRIENDS, FAMILIES AND ANYONE RELATED TO THEIR ANCESTORS ARE INELIGIBLE FOR THIS CONTEST. PRIZES WILL BE AWARDED AT THE SOLE DISCRETION OF THE SCHWA CORPORATION AND THE SCHWA CORPORATION, ITS OFFICERS, ASSIGNEES AND REPRESENTATIVES ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY FEELINGS, DISAPPOINTMENTS, RESENTMENTS, HOPES, FANTASIES OR OTHER SENSATIONS YOU MAY EXPERIENCE AS A RESULT OF YOUR PARTICIPATION IN OR KNOWLEDGE OF THIS CONTEST. THIS CONTEST IS INTENDED PURELY AS A MARKETING PLOY AND THE SCHWA CORPORATION IS NOT BOUND TO ENFORCE THE WINNING NAME OR NAMES FOR USE IN THE ENGLISH OR ANY OTHER LANGUAGE, WHETHER NOW EXISTING OR NOT YET KNOWN. IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS OR COMMENTS REGARDING THIS CONTEST OR THESE DISCLAIMERS OR ANYTHING ELSE PLEASE THINK ABOUT THEM ALOT. ALL SUBMISSIONS MUST BE RECEIVED BEFORE THE SUN USES ALL OF ITS FREE HYDROGEN AS FUEL.
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COMING SOON:
THE SCHWA CORPORATION’S NAME THE UNIVERSE CONTEST!
NOTICE: THE FINAL DEADLINE FOR THE SCHWA CORPORATION’S NAME TIME CONTEST! WAS JANUARY 1, 1297. PLEASE UNMAIL ANY NEW SUBMISSIONS AT THIS TIME.

http://web.archive.org/web/20060830123631/http://www.theschwacorporation.com/secure.asp

Helicopters circle the Orange County courthouse as jeering crowds shout “OJ 2!” to demonstrate how out of context their feelings truly are.

Nancy Grace sneers through a million televisions, imploring us to please think of little Caylee, and continue our own personal crusade for justice. Grace frothed like a third grade science project and foamed at the mouth on live TV as her spine twisted into the shape of a question mark preceded by an exclamation mark.

[pullquote]”I was thinking about throwing little Caylee’s body out in that swamp” – NANCY GRACE[/pullquote]

Little Caylee, now a blip on the radar, a mistake erased, has been thrown out the window of a moving car to rot on the side of Nobody Gives a Fuck Road, Nancy Grace said.

Happy Independence Day! Casey Anthony is the new official symbol of Freedom, Independence and Life after being found extremely Not Guilty.

“For three long years, the citizens of Orange County have sought justice for the death of 2 year old Caylee Anthony,” said an unnamed Negro cop before reporters.

Today, justice is served.

Casey Anthony has already been approached with a book porn deal for millions of dollars.

Yesterday Fox News released their own Twitter d0x on PasteBin. “The Script Kiddies,” a new group of LulzSec wannabes, used this opportunity to post an old Chronicle.SU story.

The Fox News PasteBin posting attempts to pin the blame on th3j35t3r. the3j35t3r is a “hacktivist for good,” although detractors claim he is linked to the Illuminati and the CIA. Our analysts have decided that this is an obvious red herring thrown out by Fox News, who just wanted to a July 4th hacktivist attack for teh ratings. th3j35t3r would nevar attack Fox News, especially on July 4th.

The “Script Kiddies” are in fact a false flag operation run personally by Rupert Murdoch himself. The fact that Twitter shut down the Script Kiddies’ web site is proof of collusion. Twitter never shuts down hacker accounts.

Fox News let the “hackers” have several hours to continue seeding rumors of Obama’s death, really enjoying the drama they created on Independence day.

Meanwhile, Jeff Goldblum has created a virus that he will be inserting into FoxNews.com’s incomprehensibly advanced computer system. It’s based off of the stuxnet source code, and will finally deactivate the robotic Michelle Bachmann’s defense shield.

In a dark cave somewhere, Glen Beck is planning his comeback on a blackboard, using diagrams that only he can possibly understand. Wash them tears away, Glen, I know you love this country, but only Jeff Goldblum can save us nao.

Editor’s note: There are explosives placed in the homes of every American, which will detonate sometime around sunset. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED AMERICA.

Edit: Casey Anthony Casey Anthony Casey Anthony

Edit 2: Casey Anthony has ousted Boxxy as queen of /b/