Month: August 2011

Browsing through today’s headlines, I was shocked to find that a “press release” I wrote in support of my trollfriend Topiary turned me into a hacker from LulzSec. Damn. Maybe I am. I get drunk and do things I forget sometimes. I was also accused of wrongly quoting Medgar Evers in the name of Topiary, but not a single fuck was given. One cannot misquote an idea, and quotefags can fuck off.

After finding out how the International Business Times artificially elevated my personal status to that of a LulzSec hacker, I quickly logged onto AnonOps to claim my rightful place as channel moderator. However, #AntiSec was deeply involved in a discussion about who was the best hacker, so I stayed out of it. Generally, it’s best to stay out of #AntiSec. The only problem is that all the other channels are consistently dead.

Bereaved, I’ve spent all day trying to figure out what to do with my new status as LulzSec hacker and spokesperson. I don’t even have access to the LulzSec Twitter account, but if I did, a million billion bitches would be reading my badass tribute to Topiary. Also, Justin Bieber would be up to his ass in accusations that he tried to force Selena Gomez into an abortion. I spent all morning obsessing over every detail of the fake SwagSec swag, the fake e-mails, and the fake story. And not one single little girl posted a comment crying about her loss of innocence! God damn, I’m a failure.

Tuesday, shops in Norway pulled Anders Breivik’s favorite games from their shelves. Among the list of banned games are Call of Duty and World of Warcraft. Brevik not only enjoyed these games, but praised their real value in training him for the Utoya massacre.

“‘I see MW2 more as a part of my training-simulation than anything else. I’ve still learned to love it though and especially the multiplayer part is amazing. You can more or less completely simulate actual operations.”

In an apparent domino effect, goods of all kinds related to Breivik have been banned throughout Norway.

The Breitling Crosswind model, Breivik’s most beloved watch, has been been outlawed in Oslo. Wearing a Crosswind in the capital is now an offence punishable by up to three years in prison. Authorities have tracked down the Crosswind Breivik sold for bomb supplies and shipped it to Iceland for destruction in an erupting volcano, as authorities believe it could be the source of some of Breivik’s evil powers.

Breivik wrote of the essential role of an iPod in his attack, “I will put my iPod on max volume as a tool to suppress fear…” In one part of Norway, Ipods were rounded up and pulverized with Breivik’s preferred bomb-making food processors, which are made by Electrolux. After the Ipods were pulverized, the blenders were thrown on a stack of Breivik’s favorite books, which were first soaked with his choice cologne, Chanel Platinum Egoiste. The cologne-soaked book pile which was mostly made up of 1984 and Atlas Shrugged burned brightly as the blenders full of crushed iPods melted into a single mass.

Meanwhile, radio stations across Norway scoured their collections and discarded the entire “Vocal electronika” genre, as it was Breivik’s favorite. Production of an opera by Wagner mentioned by Breivik in his manifesto was terminated and banned from Norway permanently.

Coderock, Norway’s greatest graffiti artist – according to Breivik – was found dead in his apartment.  Coderoc’s personal collection of art purposefully defiled and smeared with his tangentially guilty blood.