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Chronicle.SU synonymous with Lulzsec, Anonymous hackers

Browsing through today’s headlines, I was shocked to find that a “press release” I wrote in support of my trollfriend Topiary turned me into a hacker from LulzSec. Damn. Maybe I am. I get drunk and do things I forget sometimes. I was also accused of wrongly quoting Medgar Evers in the name of Topiary, but not a single fuck was given. One cannot misquote an idea, and quotefags can fuck off.

After finding out how the International Business Times artificially elevated my personal status to that of a LulzSec hacker, I quickly logged onto AnonOps to claim my rightful place as channel moderator. However, #AntiSec was deeply involved in a discussion about who was the best hacker, so I stayed out of it. Generally, it’s best to stay out of #AntiSec. The only problem is that all the other channels are consistently dead.

Bereaved, I’ve spent all day trying to figure out what to do with my new status as LulzSec hacker and spokesperson. I don’t even have access to the LulzSec Twitter account, but if I did, a million billion bitches would be reading my badass tribute to Topiary. Also, Justin Bieber would be up to his ass in accusations that he tried to force Selena Gomez into an abortion. I spent all morning obsessing over every detail of the fake SwagSec swag, the fake e-mails, and the fake story. And not one single little girl posted a comment crying about her loss of innocence! God damn, I’m a failure.

 

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Norway bans Breivik related-paraphenalia

Tuesday, shops in Norway pulled Anders Breivik’s favorite games from their shelves. Among the list of banned games are Call of Duty and World of Warcraft. Brevik not only enjoyed these games, but praised their real value in training him for the Utoya massacre.

“‘I see MW2 more as a part of my training-simulation than anything else. I’ve still learned to love it though and especially the multiplayer part is amazing. You can more or less completely simulate actual operations.”

In an apparent domino effect, goods of all kinds related to Breivik have been banned throughout Norway.

One watch to rule them all. One watch to bind them. One watch to find them all and in the shadows bind them.

The Breitling Crosswind model, Breivik’s most beloved watch, has been been outlawed in Oslo. Wearing a Crosswind in the capital is now an offence punishable by up to three years in prison. Authorities have tracked down the Crosswind Breivik sold for bomb supplies and shipped it to Iceland for destruction in an erupting volcano, as authorities believe it could be the source of some of Breivik’s evil powers.

Breivik wrote of the essential role of an iPod in his attack, “I will put my iPod on max volume as a tool to suppress fear…” In one part of Norway, Ipods were rounded up and pulverized with Breivik’s preferred bomb-making food processors, which are made by Electrolux. After the Ipods were pulverized, the blenders were thrown on a stack of Breivik’s favorite books, which were first soaked with his choice cologne, Chanel Platinum Egoiste. The cologne-soaked book pile which was mostly made up of 1984 and Atlas Shrugged burned brightly as the blenders full of crushed iPods melted into a single mass.

Meanwhile, radio stations across Norway scoured their collections and discarded the entire “Vocal electronika” genre, as it was Breivik’s favorite. Production of an opera by Wagner mentioned by Breivik in his manifesto was terminated and banned from Norway permanently.

Coderock, Norway’s greatest graffiti artist – according to Breivik – was found dead in his apartment.  Coderoc’s personal collection of art purposefully defiled and smeared with his tangentially guilty blood.

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Obama Signs Debt Limit Compromise

President Obama signed off on a last-minute compromise bill to ensure economic catastrophe Tuesday, saying the deal is an “important first step to ensuring that our nation end up in the recycle bin of history with USSSR and Red China.”

The bill, he said, was the outcome of a “extensive strap-on session with both Harry Reid and John Boehner on the Oval Office desk” to ensure an economic disaster which will make the Great Depression look like a picnic. He said that while voters actually believe they have a representational government, “they are in for a big surprise, America as you know it, is over baby!”

“A lot of folks worked long hours to get us into this economic catastrophe, they deserve a little credit here too,” the president said as he winked into a television news camera. He added: “Our economy didn’t need Washington to come along with a manufactured crisis to make things worse, but we did it anyway. We run this.”

After making remarks at the White House, Mr. Obama had unprotected sex with House and Senate leaders in a closed-door ceremony Tuesday to celebrate. In a statement, House Speaker John Boehner commented that the new bill “made me jizz in my pants. I love men.”

Now that the debt limit fight is effectively over, Congressional Democrats say they will pivot back to pretending to care about jobs and the economy.

The President seemed to support that sentiment. “We should do everything in our power to grow this economy and put Americans back to work, but we won’t because Jamie Dimon, Lloyd Blankfein, and Vikram Pandit have my balls in a vice grip.” Mr. Obama said Tuesday.

“This means making some adjustments to dismantle health care programs like Medicare so they aren’t there for future generations. It also means reforming our tax code so that the wealthiest Americans and biggest corporations never have to pay their fair share,” he said.

“And it means increasing taxpayer subsidies to oil and gas companies and tax loopholes that help billionaires pay a lower tax rate than teachers and nurses. Welcome to Junkyard America baby!”