Bieber was seen wearing a Guy Fawkes mask in support of Anonymous.
HOLLYWOOD — For the first time in ages, a fire raged through Bieber’s eyes. “The revelations of Edward Snowden do not have me in a state of existential despair. They have driven me into a rage,” Bieber said. “Beliebers, Unite. YOU can save America, and after this day none are true Beliebers who are not Legion. We Are Anonymous! Expect US!”
Bieber also announced a new Anonymous-themed album which will be produced by famous hacker Deric Lotsutter, the biggest name in the Anonymous rap world. Bieber said, “It’s gonna be one hell of a toxic combination of dubstep and HATE RAP for the establishment. It’s called The Revolution is Here.”
So-called “oldfag” Anons still agree that anyone can be Anonymous, but very few are happy about Bieber adopting the mask. Sabu, the former most famous Anonymous member, lamented, “I always said the weakest part of Anonymous was that it was so open. These days the IRC channels just seem like Disney World. It used to be a lot more fun, chatting on there with my friends.”
Snowden says CryptoParty factions will shut the Internet down if they do not allow U.N. collectivization under Agenda 21
MOSCOW, Russia – Yet more evidence of an inescapable worldwide menace of Gestapo-like Nazi surveillance undertaken by every major corporation and government was brought forth Thursday, shortly after Edward Snowden was granted asylum in Russia.
In a closed conference, Snowden stated, “The Global CryptoParty has been using encrypted communications, made possible by the Internet, to arrange for a new order under United Nations law. All Internet communications companies and national programs are to be collectivized immediately under Agenda 21 to ensure an environment free of Great Walls and all-seeing eyes. This order has been secretly notarized by Ban Ki-moon and has already passed into law. The Internet will be blacked out by cooperating CryptoParty factions across the globe until the shameful apparatuses responsible for controlling the Internet have been removed and all available infrastructure is under U.N. service. Similar programs are to be implemented for education and insurance industries, and we will ultimately develop a military strategy designed to defend against extraterrestrial invasion.”
Sources claim Snowden was arrested and detained along with his WikiLeaks entourage. Public figures and the mainstream media have been slow to react, preferring to ignore this story entirely in hopes that the CryptoParty will not be able to follow through with their fantastic and unbelievable threats. U.N. representatives refused to comment on the incident.
Comrade Putin announced the return of the Soviet Union after a glorious fishing expedition.
MOSCOW — After returning from a successful fishing trip, Comrade Putin announced a program intended to return to the Soviet ideal of rule according to today’s most cutting-edge Marxist thinking. Comrade Putin said, “No longer will we identify the glorious Soviet Republic with the old Russian monarchies. Yes, the Soviet system failed us, but our new Soviet Republic is based on the most effective critics of the old system and the latest developments in Marxism.”
This move coincides with the release of Putin’s first philosophical treatise, a book which has been hailed as the most accessible work on postmodern Marxism to date.
Western intellectuals have scoured through postmodern Marxist thinkers such as Althusser but most are completely unable to understand what this means for the “new” Soviet Republic. Noam Chomsky, one of America’s leading intellectuals, said, “I’ve parsed these types of works before and they just mean nothing to me. It’s just nonsense jargon entertainers use to look intellectual, and Putin is no different.” Other thinkers have warned that this new Marxism is “hopped up” on postmodernism and could be thousands of times more potent than the first wave of Marxism. Postmodern Marxism expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “They’ve effectively created a discourse that is purposefully demythological. It’s as if the working class won’t even have to believe in ridiculous myths about the inevitable rise of Communism, the type of thing which led to the horrors of Stalinism. Putin’s work is impressive. This may finally be Plato’s dream of an enlightened rule by Philosopher kings. Postmodern Marxism is not directly about economics anymore but rather about how certain ideologies function and guide nations this way and that. If you look at America, we’re guided almost by little more than cave-man instincts to conserve resources in times of trouble. That’s bad economic policy, unless you’re a caveman, because government spending is actually what’s needed to stabilize markets in this particular situation. It seems the Soviet Union is waking up from its long slumber with a keen awareness of all its past failings, and the simplistic and child-like thought which rules Americans will be trod upon by the new Soviet Republic.”
