INTERNET — Shocking the world with hist first-ever fluent American English press conference, Kim Jong Un told reporters, smiling, that he was personally responsible for orchestrating the latest devastating and genius cyberattack on Sony. Smiling and winking with strained charm, Kim Jong Un related his long training in cyberwarfare and computerized psyops, “My father and grandfather were never as passionate about computers as I was, but we have all been equally passionate about Juche ideology! I studied under an American tutor for decades and learned how to hack everything. They always said I was wasting my time, but then the times changed. Then I was the only member of LulzSec to get away, a founding member of the Anonymous collective and directly waging war with America in cyberspace, a high ground that could even trump nuclear weapons. The Internet is the most powerful weapon ever. I’ve worked with Deric Lostutter, Commander X, Barrett Brown, and even Topiary. I never liked Sabu or the direction he was taking Anonymous. Sup Biella.”
After the death of Kim Jong-Il in December of 2011, it was not known who would succeed to the position of Supreme Leader of North Korea. However, Kim Jong Un’s incredible ability to download torrents won him incredible favor, not only with his father, but also with his inner circle of elite generals. Chuckling, Kim Jong Un bragged about a few of his big hacks, saying, “The first time my dad saw that my hacking was worth anything was when I doxxed Lisa Ling’s plans to visit North Korea. The lulz we had when Bill Clinton stepped off of that plane were incredible.” All of the sudden turning serious, Kim closed his fist slowly and growled, “Expect us.”