Month: December 2014

PERVERSITY — Saturday afternoon YourAnonNews, one of the most popular Anonymous-themed twitter accounts, shared advice on how to boycott Vice after Sabu, the infamous traitor and former leader of Anonymous, was seen partying at Vice’s 20th anniversary party. It is well known that YourAnonNews is in fact owned and operated by Vice, a company that exploits its workers and is partially owned by media mogul Rupert Murdoch.

Young journalists across the world aspire to write for the hip and trendy media company, but the powers behind the scenes at Vice are rarely seen or criticized. A strange pretzel has twisted in on itself in an elegant fashion: While Vice parties in lavish style with Sabu, the turncoat responsible for arresting the nexus of hackers that animated much of the early growth of Anonymous, it also calls for its own boycott.

MOSCOW — In a speech blaming American triumphalism for the New Cold War, former Soviet Prime Minister Mikhail Gorbachev told reporters, “There will be people who have the courage to stop [the New Cold War] and start building a New World Order that would answer the challenges that the world community is facing.” Gorbachev added, “There is no need for massive nuclear wars or other population extermination schemes in the Soviet model, but that seems to be the chosen course for the construction of a New World Order by the United States.”

Analyst Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “Marxists are murderers and liars, and it’s so much the worse that they’ve taken over the US government, from the very top to the bottom. They’re murderous elitists who all have a common vision of a global empire. So, for Gorbachev to come out and blame American triumphalism, well brother, that’s what we need to save our asses from the globalists right now. That and a thick lung full of Colloidal Silver to protect us from the ever present slow-extermination chemicals already being sprayed on us every day.”

BREAKING — Tuesday night several members of the Honey Boo Boo family were brought to the hospital for treatment after ingesting excessive quantities of Ebola Oil, a product endorsed by Honey Boo Boo star ‘Chickadee’ which advertises itself as a cure-all effective against Ebola. Alana Thompson, known affectionately to fans as Honey Boo Boo, said, “Well, mama was convinced we all had Ebola and Papa Bear said we had the flu. Chickadee brought out the oil and mama and them drank every last drop. Now they’re sick, in the hospital.”

There is no word yet on the condition or identities of the hospitalized members of the Honey Boo Boo clan. Honey Boo Boo’s show was recently cancelled after Mama June broke up with Papa Bear to be with McDaniels, a registered molester who once molested her children, and Honey Boo Boo claims that Mama June spent all her money on McDaniels, all but $17.50. Last month, Uncle Poodle went on Dr. Phil, where he claimed to have witnessed McDaniels, Mama June, and Honey Boo Boo in bed together.