Month: February 2015

INTERNET — Today a group identifying itself as Anonymous launched Operation Death Eaters, a vigilante law-enforcement operation which promises to independently prosecute and execute pedophiles in high office.

However, an official Anonymous press release revealed that because Operation Death Eaters is coordinated by Heather Marsh, who is not anonymous, this operation cannot truly be the work of Anonymous.

An Anonymous spokesperson in New York, using the alias “Hector Monsegur,” told reporters, “Heather Marsh is not even lowercase anonymous. She’s a leaderfag and a fascist with maniacal delusions of revolution and power. We’re going to show her the real Anonymous.”

The official press release stated that “[Marsh] is not Anonymous. [Marsh] is Helen Lovejoy,” referencing a well-known character in the Simpsons who has become a symbol of middle-class mob mentality, often crying, “think of the children!” It also stated, “. . . we are launching an open source investigation public inquiry into her personal life.”

Political analyst and expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “The great power that has been achieved by Heather Marsh by appropriating the Anonymous brand could ruin the careers of any politician she may want to point her finger at, and what’s worse, it definitely does not jive with the Anonymous brand. I think, although this is just speculation, that there is a political agenda, perhaps even a political party backing her and the operation which will ruin whatever politicians stand in its way just by a mere accusation.”

Professor at MacGill University and eminent Anonymous expert Bella Coleman said, “The prankish lulz that either motivate Anonymous operations or are injected into the more serious operations just are nowhere to be seen in Operation Death Eaters. Many of the hardcore Anons will agree that this means it’s no longer the true Anonymous, but I see it as Anonymous changing. No one gets to define what is or isn’t the ‘True’ Anonymous.”

INTERNET — Edward Snowden spoke out after reports of rapid desertification in Mongolia have shocked millions, saying, “The desertification in Mongolia is an intentional effect created by the DARPA weather modification program that aims to turn the planet into an inhospitable wasteland while preserving perfect conditions for Monsanto products in America.”

Four Herders in lower Mongolia were jailed for protesting the Chinese government policy that outlawed grazing in areas threatened with desertification. Protesters say the government’s mining and forestry operations in their former nomadic homelands are to blame for the desertification, not the grazing.

Edward Snowden said, “While I stand with these nomads and want to protect their way of life, they should be blaming the US government. Their end game is to turn everything but Monsanto’s farms into a lifeless wasteland, because National Security has become more important to them than basic humanity.”

INTERNET — Native Americans on Facebook may find their given names altered to sound more white, according to reports. Lance Brown Eyes had his name altered to Lance Brown, and has since struggled and failed to get any response at all from the one-person team responsible for instituting Facebook’s “real name” policy.

Facebook spokesperson Daneel Olivaw told reporters, “We encourage non-whites to use more approachable names, white names, simply because our algorithm for testing fake names is limited. Plus, it makes it easier on their white friends who may become confused.”

When asked why it was so important to police native names, Olivaw said, “Fake names lead to an unsafe environment, and because all of our detection of fake names is automated, this lets us keep the service free.”

Olivaw grew impatient and angry as reporters needled him with questions about why only one human was responsible for such a tremendous task, “Hey, I don’t tell you how to run your business, do I? Facebook is not a public space, it is a private space, and you follow our rules by our grace. You will construct your authentic self within our framework of acceptable behavior.”

Facebook quickly announced that Olivaw was “under investigation,” but the naming policy at Facebook hasn’t changed, and the atmosphere of colonial control and oppression fostered by Facebook’s automated name policy has poisoned the well for natives.

“We don’t want to go back to Facebook,” said George Tall Eagle. “It’s a racist system. We need our own Facebook with our own set of rules.”