An Open Letter to Iran

Elf Wax Times has recently been given secret funding from the U.S. government to further our work towards destroying your unstable leadership.  Hopefully, the four dollars will be enough for me to buy lunch at a Chinese place and in a small way support a refugee from oppression.

Since we receive several hundred visits from Iran each month, I decided to reach out you Miley Cyrus fanatics in the midst of your masturbation. Hopefully our mix of tabloid flare, flashy graphics, sex, violence, and political outrage will snap you out of your pedophilic rage.  I can’t say we didn’t try.

Think about what you’re doing.  Do you know what the Ayatollah would do if he found out you were masturbating to American children on a web site that accuses him of being more depraved than you are? IP analysis shows that in fact, most of our Iranian traffic arrives from the Ayatollah’s persnoal residence. He’s been google imaging ‘Miley Cyrus Sexting’ for several months now.

By reading this you know by now that your life is in danger.  The Basiji will hunt you down like an animal and shoot you in the streets without a trial. You are already doomed, so please help us. We gaurantee you if you continue to read our web site and pass it around all of Persia, eventually we will get banned from the Internet in an entire country for the first time.  This is the greatest goal we can hope to accomplish, and we need more Martyrs like yourself to support this great cause.