Star wars characters speak out against abuse

INTERNET — Millions tuned in as canonical Star Wars characters including Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Rey Skywalker gathered together for an unusual collab over Zoom, speaking out against years of abuse.

“From a certain point of view, Obi-Wan? Obi-Wan would never lie about Vader. You want me to believe Little Ani never sensed that his own son’s force energies were in the trench of the Death Star while he was trying to shoot me down? It was bullshit. Why didn’t they add some sensing of each other into the special edition for some consistency, take out all the lies and distortions from Obi-Wan’s ghost.” Luke Skywalker pissed off the cliffs of his sequel hermit island and drank disgusting milks inside of his Jedi hovel, posting restlessly on social media from behind an account that is yet to be identified.

“I’m a cold blooded killer and criminal smuggler turned into a rebel, and I wouldn’t become a fed like Leia. That’s why we split up. That where I was meant to start, truly absorbed by a life of crime. Murdering Greedo as a matter of business. It was my transition to caring, and indeed loving, which made the romance click. I always shoot first, and Greedo never said Maclunky. How is anyone going to believe I shot second when I’m comically floating around like that, to dodge a laser? Never happened.” Han Solo said these last words as he was struck down by his evil son, who would then go on to die after saving Palpatine’s granddaughter from Palpatine zombie’s evil life-absorbing attack.

“I was nobody rather than a cliche chosen one like Luke. It was the one redeeming thing about my story, that I was simply any person living a life with adventure thrust upon me. You know it, I know it. I was never meant to be Palpatine’s granddaughter. That crap just makes my character far less special.” Rey returned to the desert after absorbing some more ridiculous force powers from her grandfather and her boyfrenemy. After some hard times and the death of BB-8, Rey sold her yellow lightsaber for 12 packets of nutrient paste.

Disney’s new trial of experimental “chaos theater” features short stories told over interactive Zoom meetings by AI-recreations of beloved Star Wars characters. The cutting-edge interactive AI storyteller is a green technology, designed to replace hundreds of disposable Baby Yoda creatures that must be grown individually for each shot in the Mandalorian series.