Author: Kilgoar

FERGUSON — Neil DeGrasse Tyson bravely marched with protesters in Ferguson last night, inspiring millions of atheists on Reddit and drawing their secular, but moral, recognition of injustice taking place not only in Ferguson, but in black communities everywhere. Tyson’s cosmic and scientific point of view, revered and followed by millions of rational atheists everywhere, has generally only crossed into the territory of social consciousness or activism when touching on topics such as global warming or the proper classification of planets.

However, Tyson broke his silence on the militarized crackdown on the poverty-ridden community dominated by middle-class whites in Ferguson, saying, “The universe provides us with no natural moral system, but statistics and science shows that what’s happening in Ferguson is not only unfair, but truly evil. Whatever controversy there is about Mike Brown committing robbery is irrelevant. The autopsy shows Mike Brown was shot to death with his hands up, corroborating the eyewitness accounts. The statistics of wealth distribution, political power, and the nearly all-white police force convinced me to take to the streets last night.” Tyson lifted his shirt, showing several welts from rubber bullets, and added, “I am very skeptical of the call for a return to so-called ‘peace’ or ‘normalcy’ from religious leaders who joined me in the march. Are they just not aware of the science that shows the general unrest is a result of poverty and racism? Do they really want to go back to that, and call it peace? What the people need is more unrest until these problems are corrected!”

INTERNET — Fans mourn the death of Robin Williams, famed comedian who popularized rainbow suspenders in the 80’s with his spunky alien television character, Mork. However, newspapers around the world report this smiling and funny man committed suicide by asphyxiation without making any serious attempt at explaining how or why. In what appears to be yet another clear case of celebrity homicide by the Illuminati, such vague and general explanations by the media have been swallowed hook, line, and sinker by the gullible sleeping masses.

Robin Williams was beloved by billions, and his movies brought joy and compassion into the hearts of adults and children everywhere. It is rare that such a passionate man could make it very far in the movie industry without selling his soul to the devil and succumbing to Illuminati influence, and perhaps there was a building tension in his life between his compassionate side and the hateful necessity of Illuminati membership. Perhaps this tension tore Robin Williams apart and he did commit suicide, or more likely, perhaps he decided to leave the Illuminati once and for all and was quickly eliminated by an assassination squad that made his death look like a suicide.

In Robin Williams’ classic movie Hook, the grown Peter Pan returns to Never Never Land — Michael Jackson, being the greatest opponent of the Illuminati in our generation also used this imagery for his Illuminati refuge — where he again learned to fly, although it was supposed to be impossible for an adult. As it is said in the bible, only those with the heart of a child may enter the kingdom of heaven. Did Williams decode his own movie and try to learn to fly, to return to Never Never Land, where the Illuminati’s powers are reduced and regressed back to that of Captain Hook, from the early modern period? Almost surely, yes, but this time, he didn’t make it through to the end. Hook won, and Robin Williams was murdered by the Illuminati.

New America, NM — Citizens in small New Mexico town of New America are taking on both the NSA and corporate data-collectors in a big way with local policies.

New America Mayor Patrick Durndle told the Internet Chronicle, “We’ve adopted our own more patriotic additions to the Bill of Rights for citizens of New America.” Although he admits they do not have any force outside of New American courthouses, he says, “Our municipal internet is implemented with sophisticated cryptography and there’s no fast lane allowed, no mass hoovering of your data. But we believe in the free market! If you want to opt-in and allow marketers to collect your data, you will get a check in the mail.”

New America’s local Bill of Rights states:

1. Any human beings’ intentional and unintentional creations and metadata are the natural property of that human being and not that of the state or any other enterprise
2. All human beings are entitled to the right to be forgotten on the Internet
3. All human beings are entitled to the reasonable expectation of ephemeral privacy, that is, existence outside of coerced eternity in mass data storage.

Democracy Now!, The Real News Network, and other provocative journalism outlets have already put offices and computer servers in New America, applauding its local Bill of Rights on air. Amy Goodman of Democracy Now! told viewers,”The NSA will have real trouble using most of their tools to snoop on our municipal internet, that’s how tight we’ve got the cryptography set up. Our sources can feel extraordinarily safe when communicating with us, and their lives are always on the line. The local Bill of Rights promises to never store or release our personal and professional information without court order and a notification of mass-storage style surveillance.”

Alex Jones, fringe radio anchor, also moved his headquarters to New America and told listeners, “Businesses are flooding into town for the safe internet. Bitcoin bankers, especially, are installing servers in a big way. This is it folks, Bitcoin has a safe zone, a data haven. Freedom has a hold, folks. We’re finally winning. We’ve been looking for this pinhole of light in dark times for decades. I’ve heard that there are these guys, dataheads, hanging around making all their living just by surfing the free local internet. Free Market Free Internet, Rare earth deep earth ionic silver crystals. There’s no need for welfare anymore, it’s all free market. Anyone who doesn’t think New America is the best place for investment opportunities on the entire globe should be killed. That’s how good the economy here is.”