Author: Kilgoar

INTERNET — A team of meteorologists at DARPA have announced a “near solution” to weather prediction so complex that it not only takes into account the gravitational pull of planets in our solar system but also of nearby stars. These systems are so precise, in fact, that the team’s leader, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, said, “We were able to accurately predict a small thunderstorm, not even a mile wide, a year in advance. And we’re just now getting our systems truly synced with all the satellite data.”

However, this weather prediction system is so powerful the government wants to keep it out of the hands of its enemies. Dr. Troubador said, “On the battlefield, this kind of knowledge will allow our boys the edge in every situation.” Luckily for Americans, DARPA has promised to spill the beans on any tornadoes or hurricanes it predicts might threaten citizens — as long as it does not threaten national security.

One unintended consequence of the new technology has scientists from many fields both concerned and excited. Dr. Troubador raved about the technology’s new possibilities, saying, “Within just a few years, we’ll be able to use this technology to extrapolate backwards in time centuries or even thousands of years. It is that accurate. And then we’ll be able to look at the weather during important historic moments and analyze long-term climate changes that led to population declines or increases in the past. We’ll be able to look at the gusts of wind that the vikings rode to the Americas. Did they really colonize the Mayan civilization? Finally we’ll have an answer.”

A colloquium of concerned scientists, however, at the Conference to Protect the Past, say this technology is just one of many that threatens the privacy of people who are long dead. Dr. Cecilia Darwin spoke out, saying, “We are, ourselves, people of the past, and extrapolative technologies such as Dr. Troubador’s are more threatening to privacy than any surveillance program ever conceived. It is altogether plausible that in just a decade or two similar technologies could open up incomprehensibly accurate windows into the private lives of any person in all of history, including anyone alive today. We need to make sure this power is in the hands of capable and competent scientists with a strong ethical framework, rather than military elites.”

INTERENT — Molly Crabapple, artist and blogger known for her commentary about how the world’s messed up, tweeted Friday about her latest painting entitled OpPornPixie. At the center of the operation is a highly stylized and glamorous self-portrait overlaid with a bloodspatter of the kind of abusive comments the artist receives as a consequence of being a hip public figure and advocate for women, sex workers, and justice for the persecuted and powerless.

The cloud of hate is punctuated at her neck with a question mark. The only upside-down words, “Despicable Creature,” (perhaps the work’s true title?) are stylized with the artist’s trademark font rather than the bloodspatter of the hateful comments. Is this text a self-inflicted wound?

Some of the abusive text cuts across her face, adorns her hair, or seems to become a part of her face, lining her eyebrows and even standing in for eyelashes. In one photo, the artist poses for a “selfie” in front of the self portrait, the artist’s vengeful glance at the camera contrasting with the subtly saddened face in the enormous painting behind her.

The social media performance that accompanies the painting, Op[eration]PornPixie, is possibly just beginning, but so far it aligns with the vengeful glance of the artist in the selfie — it has made the abusers mad. Crabapple has retweeted a handful of criticism directed at the work. One critic said, “Very self serving and self indulgent. Its all about you flower,” and another said, “Stop oppressing people by crowdsourcing free insults. Insulters deserve fair wages for their digital labor.”

It is perilous to speak of an artist’s intent, but Crabapple opens this discussion on Twitter, saying, “I’m not making this piece because I feel threatened or scared of internet fuckery. I do think it should be visible, preserved. Some is lulz.” And the painting does provide that kind of reportage, although maybe the lulz are hiding in the words that are not legible. However, it is important to consider the context of Crabapple’s advocacy journalism and the temporary surge of attention violence against women is receiving in the wake of the Isla Vista shootings. Crabapple is, as always, ready with brush in hand to paint the sensational and oh-so-conscious trend of the week. This gigantic self-portrait, spattered with violent words that have wounded the noble advocate for women’s rights depicts (or covers over?) a bloodier, self-inflicted wound instantly recognizable to any popular artist: A “despicable creature” defined by the audience and its expectations, painting what’s trending on Twitter.

INTERNET — The CIA’s secret terror vaccine program, used to preemptively punish foreigners with “terror markers” in their genome, ended today even as it successfully brought peace to areas of Pakistan, Afghanistan, and beyond.

By analyzing the genomes of billions and isolating a few terror markers which predisposed nine out of ten patients in clinical trials to “fundamentalism, violence, and ideological dissatisfaction with arbitrary governance or imperialism,” immunologists at the CIA were able to target and neutralize seemingly innocent children and even potential marriages which, according to science, would have led to millions of terrorism-related deaths.

CIA terror immunologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “It’s good that this information is coming out, and we can say openly the United States was not simply dropping bombs on random weddings in Pakistan and Afghanistan. These marriages would have surely lead to dangerous genetic combinations which would, according to sound science, breed killers and terrorists and potentially lead to the death of billions.”

Dr. Troubador, beaming in light of his success, said, “Terror is a global illness, an infection that spreads as a mind-virus to those who are predisposed to it. Through targeting certain genes common in the Middle East and eradicating weddings full of people who carry these terror markers, we’ve essentially immunized the human colony from terrorism for centuries to come.”

This announcement comes just one day before the opening of the 9/11 Memorial Museum at the site of Ground Zero. The 9/11 Memorial Museum, which houses thousands of unidentified body parts, is sponsored by Citibank and Cisco and its $65 million yearly bill will be paid for, in part, by light-blue 9/11 branded merchandise available to visitors at the 9/11 gift shop.