Author: Kilgoar

OLYMPUS MONS — Final and incontrovertible proof of intelligent alien life was photographed by Nasa’s Mars Curiosity Rover, Tuesday, and even the most skeptical scientists are hailing it as the biggest scientific discovery in the history of mankind.

Aliens remembered only as the Nephilim in Hebrew texts or the Annunaki on Mesopotamian clay tablets intervened at the birth of human civilization and built stone monoliths that may have once acted as glowing navigational beacons. Because of several millennia of weathering, these beacons no longer emit light, but it appears the beacon photographed by Curiosity is still glowing even today, emitting its hyper-radiant superliminal telemetry to the center of the fallen Annunaki empire.

As a fringe colony of the Annunaki’s galactic empire, Earth was one of the few planets that did not adopt the Annunaki’s administrative and organizational patterns when the ruling Annunaki elites abandoned the colony. Because of this, Earth has suffered thousands of years of barbarism, infighting, and economic instability which has left humanity completely open to alien invasion. The Annunaki’s legacy, however, is visible today as a clear strain cutting through myth and art across the globe, pointing to an ancient history when Earth was a remote outpost of the civilized galaxy.

INTERNET — Mike and Frank of American Pickers, the world’s most popular on-screen gay couple since Laurel and Hardy, have been granted a legal marriage and plan to artificially inseminate Danielle, who will give birth to their new family. Until then, the couple are bound by their love for antiques and are fostering several children from the local orphanage.

Frank told reporters, “We are so glad to be married and we just love the kids. Now that we’re loud and proud about our love, me and Mike couldn’t be happier. We’re going to take the kids out on more picks and show them the ropes. It’s great. Just great.”

Mike, enthused as always, said, “The kids are killer. I’ve got them using their cute little charm to break the ice and talk down prices on all kinds of antiques. Especially bikes and motorcycles. You won’t believe the stuff they found.”

Si Robertson, patriarch of the Duck Dynasty reality franchise and outspoken opponent of homosexuals, told reporters, “It just ain’t right these city boys on TV rippin’ nice country folk off with their slick little talk. In my mind a faggot ain’t a gay man, a faggot is a slick city boy. I just can’t abide faggots on my TV.”

INTERNET — John Cena, twelve time heavyweight champion and professional wrestler for the WWE was found dead Wednesday morning. Investigators said Cena drank a gallon of bleach after cyberbullies targeted him with “life ruining” tactics and death hoaxes.

Detective Greg Samberg, who is investigating Cena’s case, issued a threat to the bullies at an impromptu press conference, saying, “We know who did this. We know where you live. We’re coming for you. You aren’t the real Anonymous.”

Cena was reportedly inundated with muscle-shaming messages belittling his physique and exploiting his most profound psychological weakness until he could no longer continue living. Fans of “trolling” often use such life ruining tactics on vulnerable young women, but it seems they have found easier targets in muscle-bound alpha males. One troll, known only as AnonymouSabu, said in a post on John Cena’s facebook, “It’s easier and more satisfying to destroy these big men who think they’re hot shit than weak teenage girls. OMG I’m never going back.”