Author: Kilgoar

INTERNET — Former convicted street racer, recidivist, and prison escapee Jamie Jo Corne was, until October 2011, a central figure for Anonymous hacktivists as founder and executive editor of Presstorm, progenitor to the controversial YourAnonNews corporation. Corne leveraged her powerful voice as head of Presstorm to criticize the nascent Occupy movement, a very unpopular opinion among her allies in Anonymous. This coupled with mounting evidence of Corne’s involvement in overtly racist marches and exposure of her criminal past spelled the end to Corne’s days in Anonymous, and Corne’s staff at Presstorm dramatically mutinied as Denial of Service attacks shuttered the site. In the wake of this traumatic loss of power, Corne caught herself from the fall in an impressive feat of mental gymnastics which inflated her own sense of control when it was at its weakest. By framing her involvement with Anonymous as an “investigation” — 10 Months Into a Deviant Subculture on the Internet — Corne invoked the ever-popular “social engineer” alibi, inventing manipulations and exaggerations beyond those she was already well known for. In the years since Presstorm, Corne has slipped out of Anonymous regalia and into a redneck guise. After history replayed itself in the recent Anonymous-like falling-out with the Patriot Freedom Network, Corne posted an intensely racist rant which culminated in a cringe-inducing call for farmers to ride their herds into Washington DC and burn all their paper money.

Corne also, unbelievably, seems to have openly called for violent action against President Obama, threatening, (7:30) “This fuckin’ nigger in the office from Kenya has GOT TO GO! . . . Niggers are traitors against the American People! You wanna be a nigger? Fine be a nigger, but you’ll get a bullet in your fuckin’ head for doin’ so.” In the direct aftermath of Corne’s permanent ban from Patriot Freedom Network, Corne also stated that she has only one year left to live due to terminal metastatic brain cancer. Is this cancer yet another manipulative ruse inspired by butthurt, like her so-called Anonymous Investigation? If Corne is truly on death’s door, this racist message hinting at presidential assassination only seems all the more terrifying.

INTERNET — Snowden’s newest revelation showed the UK’s GCHQ operates a Denial of Service program dubbed “Rolling Thunder” which targeted and shut down AnonOps IRC, a centralized meeting place for Anonymous activists around the world.

Ethical hacking expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “DDoS is the very lowest form of hacking. That is, if you can even call it that. Basically a huge flood of traffic is dispatched to disable a server and anything else in its path. Hackers who carry out these kinds of attacks are known as ‘skids’, a portmanteau of script and kiddies — skids are everywhere shamed and considered the least skilled hackers imaginable.”

Activists from Anonymous face astounding and severe punishments for DDoS attacks, sometimes as much as ten years, as these attacks are assigned a terrorist level threat to national security in the US and UK. However, hackers at the GCHQ who have co-opted the DDoS tactic and turned it against Anonymous face no such punishment, sparking an intense response from Anonymous fans and bloggers. Police forces in both the UK and America have long been known to break the law in order to enforce the law, and some of criticism has been aimed at this age old contradiction, but the level at which innocent bystanders caught in the packet crossfire and non-criminal activists who operated on AnonOps were harmed by these DDoS attacks may never be fully known.

An anonymous GCHQ spokesperson, however, responded to Snowden’s allegations and the resulting storm of criticisms Wednesday morning, telling reporters via encrypted e-mail message, “The GCHQ will DDoS as it sees fit, and just to show Anonymous we mean business, right now we’re taking down their precious 4chan web site. The GCHQ does not forgive. It does not forget. Expect us.”

INTERNET — Increasingly, bearded men claim they have been “inundated” with comments about Duck Dynasty by self-proclaimed “clever” strangers in public.

“‘Oh I just love the Dynasty,’ the cashier told me. She said it slowly taking up lots of my time, as if I also loved the Dynasty, and I was offended. Just because I have a beard doesn’t mean I love Duck Dynasty. I wouldn’t know about it if I didn’t have a beard and sometimes I just feel like shaving it all off, just to get away from these Duck Dynasty comments,” said Jake Earl, 28 year old musician from Carlston, West Virginia. “But I can’t! I’ll lose all my ‘mountain’ cred and nobody will come to my bluegrass shows.”

Jake Earl found fame after a video of him shaving his beard in public went viral on YouTube.

Earl told our correspondent in Carlston, “I just felt this pressure building up, something like one of these mass shooters maybe,” Earl said, “I just couldn’t take the way I was being viewed by the world and everything just came crashing down on me. I felt a strong compulsion to cut it off in public, and I’m very sorry for throwing my hair at police officers.”

Authorities detained Earl but did not arrest him. Earl’s psychiatrist refused to give our reporters his diagnosis, but told us “Earl is feeling much better.”

Other local bearded men have stepped out of hiding to support Earl. Fred Dershowitz told reporters, “What Jake Earl did was heroic. I mean my beard is not even similar at all to Duck Dynasty. It’s cropped short! But still, every time I go to the grocery store, some slack-jawed idiot points at me and says ‘Duck dahnasty, yall! It’s a beard!’ and I felt the same urge Earl does. I think I’ll just shave mine off in public too.”