CUTHBERT, GA. — Monday, Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador proposed a new Theory of Masculinism at the Camelot University Youtube Lecture Marathon. This field of theory, according to Dr. Troubador, is of course fallible and in many ways quotidian, but nonetheless remains in his jargon, “under-inter-theorized,” due to the inherent chauvanistic nature of Patriarchy and homo-repressed heterosexuality pointed out by Queer and Feminist theorists. Dr. Troubador told reporters, “They’d call us all faggots, misandrists, and privileged white people just for theorizing in this direction, but by God I’m a Heterosexual White Man and I’m tired of being represented by ‘Red Pill’ Monarchists from Date Rape Hell dressing their regurgitated internalized ideologies up as radical philosophy. Plus I’d be on the Queer, Colonialist, Feminist, etc teams if I wasn’t a damned white male. Best thing I can do is learn from ’em and try to think of what their lessons mean to be me, a privileged white man.”
Dr. Troubador slammed his fist on the podium with tremendous hate, “By God there are some sick fucks in the world that I’d love to crush and who deserve the eternal hate of God in hell, but I’m only deranged. A man must look at the world as a war, and it is Hell. Competition is first a madness and second a sacred duty. But this is only the default setting not informed by advances in many fields of Theory. That’s why I’m writing a religious text, using these advances as technology. Our project incorporates a rich inter-theoretical syncretic landscape, fractal mathematics, and persona management propaganda techniques in order to design a religion which will sweep the world in at least one century, hopefully transmitting much of the lessons learned from Theory into the collective conscious and unconscious of the masses. The hate stream of reformation and the more efficient repression of lower animal urges which results will flow into every corner and every government on Earth, and then into the stars. This is the tool through which a civilization becomes a Type I on the Kardashev scale, and building a motherfucking Empire is the space for a White Man like me to set up shop. There’s no doubt they never thought this could happen, or they’d never have said a word!”
Critics of Dr. Troubador, including many he has cited in recent papers, gathered in an ad hoc militia and surrounded his walled compound just hours ago. Local police refused to intervene in the dramatic standoff, classifying the confrontation as a battleground in time of war. The nearby military base in Alansville responded, dispatching at least five Apache assault choppers which were spotted circling Dr. Troubador’s compound, ready to unleash hell on both protesters and Dr. Troubador at the drop of a dime. Let us pray for the eternal salvation of man and that these monsters are completely incinereated in the purified computer guided hate of hellfire missiles.
