Author: Kilgoar

KALAHARI — The !Kung were some of the last sane people on Earth, living by foraging on a staple nut which has more calories and protein than an equal amount of any genetically modified grains. Insane people, driven by a paranoid fear for their security, have for 10,000 years insisted on eating mostly genetically modified plants and animals. Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador tells us, “Of course the !Kung never have to work more than 15 hours a week to comfortably subsist, and their diet is richer and more nutritious for it. The fossil record shows that hunter-gatherers rarely show signs of malnutrition, where agricultural fossils nearly always do! The only possible way that this change happened was through the use of fearmongering ideologies or religions which were used to give privilege and control to a small minority most infected by the virulent paranoid sickness. That was the very birth of what became civilization!”

Dr. Troubador glowed and flashed a broad toothy smile, “These people had a culture that kept them humble, something admirable. When an individual performed a great achievement, he or she was shown earnest scorn and in no way congratulated. Ain’t that something? Muh /b/rothers know what’s up.” Leaning in and smirking, Dr. Troubador whispered, “It’s how they became immune to the nightmare mind-control paranoid madness.”

UPDATE: The !Kung have recently succumbed to the nightmare mind-control paranoid madness and now work hard at their farms for well over 40 hours a week.

DAMASCUS — After President Obama put a hold on the impending Syrian invasion, Bashir al-Assad took time to speak with reporters about his use of chemical weapons. The reformer-turned-dictator said, “Yeah, I gassed a couple thousand people because they stood between me and military objectives which could secure my country and the freedom of my people. It was a tough call, but it saved the lives of millions of my soldiers.”

When asked whether Assad felt he had done the wrong thing by provoking a superpower, he responded, “Obama would do the same thing if he were me, and his country has repeatedly done much worse. We did not nuke an entire city like Hiroshima or Nagaskai, and we did not level a great cultural center like Dresden. America was the great terror of the last century, the one that was more fearsome and shocking than the holocaust of the Nazis. How else could they have defeated the Germans?”

Western journalists needled Assad further, asking him if he could envision a peaceful end to rising tensions in the region. Assad became frustrated, saying, “The world is barreling towards apocalyptic destruction and a few of my chemical weapons just won’t even come close to doing the job. American hydrogen bombs could destroy all of civilization ten times over, but who would invade them, stop them from using their weapons even on their own people? There is no future for humanity as long as humans maintain stockpiles of such destructive weapons, just as Carl Sagan believed. Humanity must either dismantle nuclear weapons or perish.”

NEW YORK — After three consecutive weeks of the most elevated terror alert levels since 2001, synchronized attacks have nonetheless killed millions of innocent Americans on the twelfth anniversary of 9/11, bringing every major city in America to a standstill.

New York City Homeland Security Agents report hundreds of Al-Qaeda agents infiltrated the Freedom Tower construction crew and filled the core of every concrete beam with nanothermite, even as the monumental skyscraper was built. Al-Qaeda sleeper cells successfully evaded all-encompassing NSA surveillance with use of an advanced metaphor cypher which referred to nanothermite as “love” and Allah as “Jesus.” These explosives were detonated this morning, leveling the Freedom Tower before it was completed.

Other Al-Qaeda agents, who made up the majority of the janitorial staff at the Pentagon, hid nanothermite explosives in the office chairs of the highest officials of the US military, killing off the top echelons of the chain of command for the Army, Navy, Coast Guard, and Marines.

Al-Qaeda troops stormed US embassies in Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Oman, the United Arab Emirates, and Jordan, before firing Sarin gas into citizens of Tel Aviv. President Obama has been locked in a smoked-filled room in the back of the White House and is rumored to be discussing whether to use nuclear or biological weapons on Syrian and Soviet targets.

Grieving citizens around the nation, who have changed their 9/11 mantras from “Never Forget” to “Never Again,” are waving American flags and rounding up Muslims at gunpoint, ushering them into the safety of FEMA camps with the help of local and regional law enforcement agencies.