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Why the hell do you want to destroy the government?

We all knew it already. The government's the devil.
We all knew it already. The government’s the devil.

INTERNET —  Every single fucking day, Twitter revolutionaries speak of dismantling the government. Why? Because our friends at the NSA have terrible surveillance powers no one should ever have access to, and the military conveniently polices genocidal dictators. Terrible, chilling stuff. But if you take down the government, you take down a monolithic totem of evil.

Tomorrow, Anarchist hackers will shut down all major government networks and permanently wipe all the government hard drives. Because the government will be so off guard, other Anarchists will be inspired by the propaganda of such an epic deed, and all levels of government even down to police stations and schools will be dissolved or brought under control of the Anarchists. A lot of people will probably die in this process, but not so many as one might think, because Anarchists are nice and don’t really want to hurt anyone.

The next day, many billionaires, sensing a vacuum of power, will offer to pay members of the disenfranchised military and police forces a reduced wage. Better than nothing, and no one will have to starve or find a nonexistent job market for their skills. Order will be enforced more ruthlessly than ever and corporations will have absolutely no reason to protect any individual rights, as such things do not generally help make a profit. The days of old, when police officers could be prosecuted for hate crimes, will be long over. Now the NSA won’t spy on you, but Google and every other major Telecom has been playing that game for as long as they’ve been in business, and there won’t be much need for pesky privacy agreements because there will be no courts for you to sue them with. All prisons will be corporate prisons filled simply with people who chose Coke instead of Pepsi or pirated movies online.

[pullquote]”Right now there is a conspiracy among many of the world’s most powerful corporations to destroy all nation states so that business can make more profit.” ~ Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador[/pullquote]These things will all be very good for business, but actually this is where we are now. Government is suffocating under corporate power. The greatest hoodwink they’ve played is telling us the government is to blame for their evil. “We’ve got too much government, and if we only had a little less, or none at all, everything would be solved.” Yes, it is the corporations telling you that government stands between you and your freedoms, because that message makes them money. They can’t scream it loud or repeatedly enough, because they’ve just now discovered how damned effective it is at increasing their profits. When you buy this idea and slap an Anarchy label on it, or go to a Tea Party event because you saw it on Their television networks, you’re led to believe you’re opposing evil, and all you’re doing is helping some corporate bigwig afford enormous excesses of equity that can’t be spent on anything but property in Iraq, Afghanistan, or Syria! Pretty damned good trick, huh?

You’re probably too damned radical to want to participate in the boring work of political organizing, or maybe you’re so damn radical you did, so you joined the Tea Party. All Hail the New TransNational Corporate Overlord. You!

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5 million dead after Obama orders Nuclear Strike on Syria

A large area of Damascus was transformed into a "Sea of Glass" after Obama ordered retaliation for chemical attacks on Syrian civilians.
A large area of Damascus was transformed into a “Sea of Glass” after Obama ordered retaliation for chemical attacks on Syrian civilians.

DAMASCUS — Much of Syria has been transformed into a “Sea of Glass” after sources reported an enormous nuclear blast Wednesday. President Obama addressed the American people from the Oval Office, saying, “We cannot permit the use of weapons of mass destruction against innocent civilians anywhere in the world. The Assad regime has been annihilated and can no longer threaten the peace and stability of the world.”

Early estimates suggest as many as 5 million Syrians died instantly, and nuclear fallout specialists suggest that nearly a million will die slow, painful deaths from cancer and mutations. People around the globe have taken to the streets in mourning for the civilians killed by the Assad regime’s vile chemical attacks.

Russian President Vladimir Putin issued a furious statement to President Obama, “Next time we’re looking for a new source of oil and have to drop a nuke, the world should know who to blame. Obama has set the precedent, and now we’re just looking for our first target. The Russian people are as thirsty for oil as the Americans, and we have even more powerful nukes!”

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Glenn Greenwild admits to affair with Edward Snowden

Greenwild allegedly cheated on partner David Miranda while working with Snowden in Hong Kong
Greenwild allegedly cheated on partner David Miranda while working with Snowden in Hong Kong

HONG KONG — Witnesses tell the Internet Chronicle they saw Journalist Glenn Greenwild and Edward Snowden “drunk and making out” in public before police escorted the couple back to a hotel room. Recent reports show Greenwild’s boyfriend, David Miranda, was detained at the border in London while under pay of the Guardian for muling Snowden’s secret documents.

Internet Chronicle contacted Miranda, who fumed, “If it’s true he’s been banging Snowden and putting me in the crosshairs to keep the Snowden story going for a few more days then it’s over. I knew Glenn could be a dick, but this is just too much. We do not have an open relationship.”

Glenn Greenwild told Internet Chronicle reporters with his characteristic malice, “David and I have always had an open relationship, and if he doesn’t like it he can leave. I told him dating me has its negative consequences, and you wanna know the truth? Me and Edward have been sleeping together for a long time before Edward even worked at the NSA. I love Edward. He loves me, and that’s why he got a job at the NSA and gave me the files. If David really loved me, he’d be begging to mule more files, but no, he can’t get over his jealousy for Edward. It’s over”