Author: Kilgoar

DUBAI — The Center for the Advancement of Islam, whose offices are located on the top floor of the world’s largest skyscraper, Burj Khalifa, announced plans on Tuesday for a hundred billion dollar project to place a permanent monument in orbit around the Lagrange point between the Earth and the Moon. A spokesman for the group said, “This monument, perhaps the greatest of all time, will bring the essence of the Prophet’s message to nine billion people each night.”

In cooperation with the industrialized Russian space program, the Center for the Advancement of Islam hopes to launch several hundred heavy lift rockets loaded with thin reflective material which will be assembled in orbit to form the giant star and crescent of Islam. According to rocket scientist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, “Nothing like this has ever been done before, but it is feasible. With a hundred billion dollars it should be easy to develop the technology required to assemble such massive reflectors in space and complete the project. Because the plan is to orbit a Lagrange point, this monument will be effectively permanent.”

The star and crescent was first popularly used by the Ottoman empire during the crusades. Some scholars prefer to draw its lineage to worship of Hecate by the Byzantines, while others believe it was derived from early Turkic tribes. Osman I, founder of the Ottoman Empire, is said to have seen the symbol rising into the heavens from the chest of a Qadi, or judge of Sharia law, as part of a mystic vision in which Islam “cover[ed] the whole world with the shadow of its green and beautiful branches.”

FUKUSHIMA — A new study by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration shows that temperatures in the Pacific are heating up at an enormous rate, due to another massive leak of radiation at Fukushima. Worldwide, citizens are reporting excessive humidity and rain which is a direct result of the rapid increase in the Pacific Ocean’s increasing temperature.

Nuclear Climatologist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “Even if no more radiation were to leak, we could conservatively estimate another 80 years of increased Pacific Ocean surface temperatures. Global humidity will not decrease until the fallout loses most of its potency in 40 years. There are no imaginable countermeasures to waterborne oceanic fallout that will not increase the already considerable strain on ocean life.”

Psychoanalyst Dr. Herman Stephenson said, “The Japanese have a symbolic fixation on both nuclear disasters and the ocean. It is unthinkable that any single sensible person would locate a nuclear power plant right on the oceanfront in a place where Tsunamis are so common. Perhaps the loss of World War 2 and the subsequent 70 years of a novel government guided by Western values has inspired an unconscious suicidal urge. Perhaps it was even a long-delayed conscious act of Seppuku.”

MOSCOW — Edward Snowden, NSA leaker, shared secret CIA documents with Internet Chronicle reporters which incontrovertibly prove that Martin Luther King was murdered because, as the internal memo says, “Initial analysis showed blacks just wanted to use public restrooms and participate in pointless ‘voting’ rituals, but that n***er King has crossed the Rubicon and wants actual change. He wants to organize labor. Take him out at any cost.” This secret CIA memo was dated just a few days before King was assassinated.

Snowden chose Martin Luther King Day to release these shocking documents for its symbolic importance to Americans. This holiday is a time to remember King’s famous “dream,” which has turned into a nightmare in many urban areas where schools are still segregated and the only form of social mobility left is drug dealing.

Snowden said he believed King’s dream has been systematically stamped out by the CIA, “A rogue group within the CIA acted with impunity to target blacks. They murdered JFK, MLK, and hired the scientists who invented crack. Then, they sent agents into black urban centers to teach drug dealers how to cook crack, ensuring that the socioeconomic imbalance would continue to favor whites for as long as possible. Is it a coincidence that since then, the war on drugs has imprisoned millions of blacks? Based on a few hints, I believe this cabal within the CIA actually held more allegiance to the Ku Klux Klan than the US government, and what’s more, it seems they’re still operating to this day to keep ‘drug war’ propaganda in the public eye. It’s time to let Martin Luther King’s people go. They’ve been in prison for long enough.”