Author: Kilgoar

BANGOLA — “Cancer Delis” are making waves across Southeast Asia, as jet-set tourists seek increasingly bizarre and rare foods. Many different types of tumors are served at these delis with malignant pig brain tumors fetching some of the highest prices. Critics believe eating tumors can be dangerous because farmers now have an incentive to induce tumors in livestock using carcinogens which may wind up in the bodies of Cancer Deli patrons. Andrew Zimmerman, host of television’s Bizarre Food, said, “Naturally occurring tumor flesh is some of the most delectable and safe food there is, but you’ve really got to watch out for farmers who have found out how valuable it is and feed carcinogens to their livestock.”

A Cancer Deli owner in Bangola who wished to remain Anonymous told Internet Chronicle reporters, “Some people value burled wood the most because it is so rare and has many unique and appealing characteristics. It is cancerous parts of a tree, just like the tumors we serve. The flesh is fatty and delicious, and when prepared correctly it is not dangerous.” When pressed for details of how he obtained the cancerous flesh, the deli owner broke off the interview.

INTERNET —  Iranian sources report that small chips implanted in squirrel populations have been found containing data on sensitive nuclear weapons projects. These advanced chips are powered by kinetic energy from the scurrying of the animal. In the presence of other nearby chips, each squirrel forms a node on a “mesh network” which exchanges and processes data according to an advanced algorithm. When one squirrel picks up wireless signals from a target, such as a nuclear weapons facility, this data proliferates through the mesh network until it reaches a hidden satellite transmitter, which relays the information back to the NSA headquarters.

An Anonymous source told the Internet Chronicle, “Practically every squirrel in Iran has been incorporated into this mesh network with the use of automated traps which both capture the squirrels and insert the chips. Thousands of squirrels can be chipped this way with only a few traps . . . Nearly all wireless communications in Iranian areas populated by squirrels are making their way to the NSA headquarters, and we’d be foolish to not assume this isn’t also taking place on American soil . . . [There] is so much distributed potential computing power that significant decryption or data analysis may also take place within the squirrels.”

Iranian authorities have offered a lucrative $100 bounty for each squirrel killed which has been implanted with an NSA chip.

DUBAI — The Center for the Advancement of Islam, whose offices are located on the top floor of the world’s largest skyscraper, Burj Khalifa, announced plans on Tuesday for a hundred billion dollar project to place a permanent monument in orbit around the Lagrange point between the Earth and the Moon. A spokesman for the group said, “This monument, perhaps the greatest of all time, will bring the essence of the Prophet’s message to nine billion people each night.”

In cooperation with the industrialized Russian space program, the Center for the Advancement of Islam hopes to launch several hundred heavy lift rockets loaded with thin reflective material which will be assembled in orbit to form the giant star and crescent of Islam. According to rocket scientist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, “Nothing like this has ever been done before, but it is feasible. With a hundred billion dollars it should be easy to develop the technology required to assemble such massive reflectors in space and complete the project. Because the plan is to orbit a Lagrange point, this monument will be effectively permanent.”

The star and crescent was first popularly used by the Ottoman empire during the crusades. Some scholars prefer to draw its lineage to worship of Hecate by the Byzantines, while others believe it was derived from early Turkic tribes. Osman I, founder of the Ottoman Empire, is said to have seen the symbol rising into the heavens from the chest of a Qadi, or judge of Sharia law, as part of a mystic vision in which Islam “cover[ed] the whole world with the shadow of its green and beautiful branches.”