Comrade Putin announced the return of the Soviet Union after a glorious fishing expedition.
MOSCOW — After returning from a successful fishing trip, Comrade Putin announced a program intended to return to the Soviet ideal of rule according to today’s most cutting-edge Marxist thinking. Comrade Putin said, “No longer will we identify the glorious Soviet Republic with the old Russian monarchies. Yes, the Soviet system failed us, but our new Soviet Republic is based on the most effective critics of the old system and the latest developments in Marxism.”
This move coincides with the release of Putin’s first philosophical treatise, a book which has been hailed as the most accessible work on postmodern Marxism to date.
Western intellectuals have scoured through postmodern Marxist thinkers such as Althusser but most are completely unable to understand what this means for the “new” Soviet Republic. Noam Chomsky, one of America’s leading intellectuals, said, “I’ve parsed these types of works before and they just mean nothing to me. It’s just nonsense jargon entertainers use to look intellectual, and Putin is no different.” Other thinkers have warned that this new Marxism is “hopped up” on postmodernism and could be thousands of times more potent than the first wave of Marxism. Postmodern Marxism expert Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador said, “They’ve effectively created a discourse that is purposefully demythological. It’s as if the working class won’t even have to believe in ridiculous myths about the inevitable rise of Communism, the type of thing which led to the horrors of Stalinism. Putin’s work is impressive. This may finally be Plato’s dream of an enlightened rule by Philosopher kings. Postmodern Marxism is not directly about economics anymore but rather about how certain ideologies function and guide nations this way and that. If you look at America, we’re guided almost by little more than cave-man instincts to conserve resources in times of trouble. That’s bad economic policy, unless you’re a caveman, because government spending is actually what’s needed to stabilize markets in this particular situation. It seems the Soviet Union is waking up from its long slumber with a keen awareness of all its past failings, and the simplistic and child-like thought which rules Americans will be trod upon by the new Soviet Republic.”
Obama pardoned Manning with the click of a button, after he was found guilty in a verdict Tuesday.
WASHINGTON — In a remarkable reversal of policy, President Obama held a press conference at the White House Tuesday afternoon in which he announced a pardon for Bradley Manning, the whistleblower who uncovered millions of embarrassing American diplomatic files. Standing at a podium with the presidential laptop, President Obama clicked a button which officially confirmed Manning’s pardon. President Obama said, “Did you think I’d really let him rot in a gulag for the rest of his life? This is America! It’s been hell for the State Department since WikiLeaks got a hold of all those files, and we’ve been nearly paralyzed, but what counts are Manning’s good intentions and touching personal story. I’m now inclined to agree with his supporters that America is becoming an evil empire. But I won’t let it continue.”
President Obama fielded questions from reporters, but refused to speak with the mainstream media, instead opting to interact with scrappy-looking members of the independent media who livestreamed the event with ad hoc broadcast gear strapped to their bodies. One citizen reporter asked President Obama if he planned to continue the process of healing international relations, and the President responded, “I plan to tour all the nations that have been unfair subjects of our imperialism and personally apologize. We won’t just apologize this time, but we will reverse the policies which have paralyzed our diplomacy and unfairly benefited American interests.”
Another reporter questioned President Obama about a possible pardon for Edward Snowden, the NSA leaker who uncovered massive surveillance systems targeting not only US citizens, but the entire internet. Obama said, “Snowden may have been an agent for Russia or China, and we can’t rule that possibility out just yet. If his touching story turns out to be legitimate, then yes, I’d pardon him, but it’s too soon to tell. As for the surveillance on US citizens, we’ve pulled the plug on that program entirely. It’s not helping us catch terrorists and it costs far too much, but even more importantly, it’s an insult to the American people. It says our judgement is too clouded by fear to trust the American people with the liberty of privacy, and we can’t be guided by that kind of paranoid thinking.”
One livestreamer asked President Obama about human rights abuses and force-feeding at Guantanamo Bay, and the President responded, “The force feeding going on there is disgusting. I promised to shut down Guantanamo Bay, and now we’re finally pulling the plug on it.” The President scowled at the mainstream media, and almost sneeered, “If maximum security American prisons aren’t good enough for terrorists, then what are they good for?”
Obama was later seen shirtless, sporting the Nobel Peace Prize around his neck on a gold chain, playing pick up basketball with poverty-stricken children who have no access to health care or college education.
Here at the Internet Chronicle we rarely, if ever, receive hatemail thanks to our impeccable human rights record. It seems, however, that two articles have upset a famous lawyer who is widely known for being a “highly intelligent, highly educated, very personable, very caring, good person,” or at least that’s how Sue Basko characterized herself after sending us a battery of insulting e-mails.
I’ve seen the Rustle League torment this “lawyer,” something I took no part in, and they now use a “Basko” as the standard unit for measuring easy trolling targets. In one satiric article, I did write up a quick caricature of Basko and clued in readers that it was a joke by changing her name to “Brasko.” In another article about her “client,” Aaron Bale, Basko’s connection to a very strange press release is given a skeptical glance. One update to this article included information taken from a chat log attributed to Bale, which may or may not be legitimate, and after a complaint from Basko I included an extra disclaimer. That wasn’t enough. Basko went into full hate mode. Her email has been included in blockquotes, and my email response is in italics.
DEFAMATION REMOVAL DEMAND// LEGAL ACTION WARNING
CHRONICLE: THIS MUST BE REMOVED IMMEDIATELY in full:
IF IT IS NOT, YOU WILL FACE LEGAL ACTION. You have been warned twice already.
Also, your “publication” must remove any and all mention to me and to any of my clients, including Aaron Bale. Your publication must remove all falsehoods and garbage in which I am called “Sue Brasko,” and fake photos of me are posted.
The photo is a joke meant to characterize your online persona, and I used the name Sue Brasko in the satirical article to clue people in that it is a joke. I do not care if you find it funny or not. If I had to remove everything someone out there thought wasn’t funny, I’d no longer be able to write anything.
The “writer” “Kilgoar” is not a good writer, posts lies, posts defamation (insulting lies). This “article” is filled with nothing but defamation. Much of it is defamation per se, meaning it is such bad defamation on its face that damages are assumed.
THIS ARTICLE ALSO ENGAGES IN OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE against Aaron Bale. “Kilgoar” is posting lies intentionally, trying to interfere with an FBI / NSA investigation.
[NSA investigation? Seriously?]
The article linked above uses indeterminate language, “Chat logs show claims,” and I even updated the article despite the insulting tone of your complaint, because I am actually interested in getting to the truth behind Aaron Bale — excuse me — Cliff Potts and his laughable press release.
IN addition, this sick person “Kilgoar” has engaged long term in a hate and lies against me and my clients and those I assist.
Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. For the record, I have no personal feelings against you, even after emails like this. I do feel a bit sorry because they seem to indicate an emotional problem.
[I wrote one silly story and now I’m involved in a long term hate campaign!]
This person MUST CEASE AND DESIST. YOUR “PUBLICATION,” ITS OWNERS, ETC CAN BE SUED FOR DEFAMATION AND OTHER CAUSES OF ACTION BASED ON THIS.
IN ADDITION, we are filing criminal complaints against “Kilgoar” for posting links to false IRC chats and now for posting falsehoods against Aaron Bale.
You are allowing a mentally disturbed, demented, unprofessional, dangerously deceitful person to write for you.
Please understand that I amended the article with all pertinent information after you claimed these were false IRC logs. Remember I never framed them as true to begin with. It would be unreasonable, and in fact irresponsible, for me to dismiss these chat logs altogether. As for “falsehoods against Aaron Bale,” you haven’t named any specific things you’d like me to look into or possibly fix. I will not respond to bullying like this, as you have no interest in correcting any possible mistakes or even mentioning them — you just want to scare me into taking the article down with no legal basis.
PLEASE NOTE: We have received extortionate emails and are having those traced. We strongly suspect those came from “Kilgoar.” The FBI is also investigating those emails, because it is a person trying to create an obstruction of justice.
THERE IS NO ONE ELSE TRYING TO INTERFERE WITH AARON BALE, other than “Kilgoar.” This same sick person “Kilgoar” also attempted to meddle in the case of “Aaron Socio.”
I am inclined to believe you are a persona created by Bale.
I’ll get you, and your little dog, too! What a world, what world! [Basko then melts]
That last part wasn’t really in her email, but it sums up the responses that came next.
You have been asked politely to remove the “articles” because they are lies, defamations, smears, and misinfo.
My next step is to file a lawsuit against you/ the Chronicle, and/or to report you to the FBI for interference in my legal work and in their investigations, as well as for repeat online harassment.
My online persona, as well as my in-person persona, is of a highly intelligent, highly educated, very personable, very caring, good person. I am called upon regularly to assist both nationally and internationally with situations involving media, internet, and the law.
The fact that you need to tell lies about this, and smear me, shows what you are about. And it isn’t good.
When you mock and lie about a good, helpful intelligent person – -that does not make you look smart. It makes you look bad, unhelpful, and stupid – – which is how everyone views you. You are what you do, and that is what you do.
— Susan Basko, Lawyer
DAFAMATION DEMAND FOLLOW-UP
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:
The Chronicle.SU and “Kilgoar” have published lies, defamation, false photographs, links to false materials, etc. against both me and my clients.
I have previously sent a take-down demand. I received an utterly asinine response sent from “Kilgoar.”
My next step is to file a lawsuit against the Chronicle and its “writer,” and/or to file FBI complaints for continuous internet harassment, interference with my legal work, interference and trying to frame one of my clients, creation of false evidence, etc.
I will also publicize and spread the word to any and all of your advertisers that you are doing this, along with the moronic responses from “Kilgoar.”
The Chronicle.su and the “writer” using the pseudonym Kilgoar have posted a photograph of Aaron Bale the copyright of which is owned by Aaron Bale. The photograph has appeared on Chronicle.su numerous times as well as on links posted by “kilgoar” on Twitter.
Use of the photo is a violation of Copyright law and can subject you to payment of up to $150,000 for each violation/ use. Willful use of the photo can also be punished as a criminal offense.
ANY USE OF THE PHOTO AFTER THIS NOTICE HAS BEEN SENT SHALL BE DEEMED WILLFUL.
You do not have permission to use ANY photo of Aaron Bale.
YOU MUST REMOVE ALL PHOTOS OF AARON BALE FROM THE CHRONICLE.SU, OFF ANY LINKS APPEARING ANYWHERE, AND MUST NEVER REPORT.
