Author: Kilgoar

Harvard, MA–Harvard geneticist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador is looking for a surrogate mother for the world’s first Neanderthal clone. “She needs a robust frame and a highly elastic birth canal. These Neanderthal babies are serious business!”

In his ill-lit basement lab at Harvard, Dr. Troubador hovers over a microscope, sourrounded by glowing amber jars of half-formed specimens. He speaks ceaselessly of features the surrogate mother must have, thinking not only of physiological concerns but also of the welfare of the child. “I want to test the mother, and find one with a high percentage of trace Neanderthal DNA. She needs a big face, you know, bulky eyebrows and a long nose. It’ll help her bond with the child.”

Dr. Troubador relaxes for a second, withdrawing from the microscope. He caresses a jar, and mumbles something to himself. “What was that?” I say. Inside the jar is a seemingly-humanoid fetus covered in reptilian scales.

“Nothing. A failed experiment.” He mumbles again, but I think I hear “my son.” The man’s loneliness moves me, so I put a hand on his shoulder and squeeze. He begins to sob and splutter on about the features of the Neanderthal baby’s mother.

“She’d have to be so compassionate, like no one I’ve ever met. This Neanderthal baby will be the most alienated being on Earth, and I want him to have the mother he deserves, because it’s not likely he’ll have much else.” He trails off again, and I think I hear a “just like me,” somewhere. Dr. Troubador’s fiery red hair becomes obtrusive, and I cannot look away. Is this man a Neanderthal? My hand recoils from his shoulder in disgust, and he wheels around in his chair, staring me down with his robust face. He sees that I know, and seizes my shirt collar. His powerful Neanderthal hands lift me into the air. “You son of a bitch! It’s you, you fucking homo sapiens who killed my people.” His mad-scientist cackle is colored with the deep gutturals one would expect from a stocky-framed Neanderthal.

Dr. Troubador’s rage passes almost instantly, as if he suddenly remembers something more important. I am back on the ground, and he is sobbing again. “Science maintains that Neanderthals went extinct 30,000 years ago. That is not true. I was raised in a secret cave system in France, the bastard son of a human woman the brutes kept around as a rape toy. Well, they’re not really brutes, in fact they’re quite intelligent. In some ways, they’re much smarter than humans. Their views on sex aren’t very progressive, but you live in a cave with about thirty people for 30,000 years and you’ll get a little rapey too. They liked to abduct human women–it keeps the genetic diversity up. I escaped during one of their rape-raids.”

“So you’re not really trying to clone a Neanderthal. You’re just looking for a wife who can bear your child, right?”

Dr. Troubador picks up the jar with the malformed child and nods. His rage returns as quickly as it left, and he screams as he smashes the jar on the ground, covering both of us with formaldehyde and viscera. Clutching a shard of the jar in one bleeding hand, Dr. Troubador stalks towards me as I back towards the exit.

“Don’t you tell no one! No one! I’ll fucking kill you and rape your family, you fucking swine! Neanderthals will have our revenge! This is our planet!”

No being in the world is more confused than a half-Neanderthal.

NEWTOWN CT–Anonymous activists, combing through AT&T’s e-mail servers, released evidence Sunday showing that recorded phone calls of grieving Sandyhook victims and families were sold to Rupert Murdoch’s NewsCorp for seven million US dollars.

The recordings were released by Anonymous as proof that AT&T is selling its customers’ private data. Commander X, leader of the shadowy leaderless collective, said “I am outraged, but not surprised. Nothing they do surprises me anymore, and it only serves to justify my decision to run from the broken governments of the world. Nowhere is safe.”

Newtown “Truthers,” conspiracy theorists who believe the shooting at Sandyhook was staged by the US government, have thoroughly researched the recordings and now claim they were manufactured.

Gun control policies, rushed through state and federal legislatures, have been largely forgotten by the public in place of the gaping privacy issues exposed by Anonymous.

Agasthyarkoodam, INDIA–At the southern tip of the Western Ghats mountain range in western India, perched upon Agasthyarkoodam, there is a shrine to Agastya which was placed by Chenkottukonam Madathipathi Jagadguru Swami Sathyananda Saraswathi Thiruvadikal. Local folklore and Hindu legend have long mentioned existence of a distinct species of dwarf elephants that never grow larger than five feet tall. Known by locals for their extraordinary ability to cling to rocks like goats and dart through rain forests like dragonflies, western scientists have long regarded the ‘Kallana’ as a mythical creature. However, a recent expedition led by Dr. Angstrom H. Troubador, an expert pachyderm biologist, returned with conclusive genetic evidence proving the ‘Kallana’ are, in fact, a distinct species of dwarf elephant.

The Western Ghats range is valued by scientists for its unparalleled biological diversity, as it is home to many thousands of endangered species found nowhere else. Rare medicinal herbs and teas are cultivated in the area, a valuable resource represented by the shrine to Agastya, a divinity who was gifted with a medicinal system by Lord Muruga, son of Shiva.

It is written in the Srimad Bhagavatam 8th Canto that Agastya was offended by the Indradyumna Mahārāja, who was too lost in mediation to acknowledge Agastya’s presence, and so placed a curse on him. In the next life, he would be born as a dull elephant as punishment for this breach of etiquette. Indradyumna Mahārāja accepted this curse as a blessing from the godhead and was reborn as an elephant. Unlike other elephants, the Indradyumna retained his ability to worship and pray, and was known as Gajendra, king of elephants.

A more contemporary account of these mysterious elephants was published by The Hindu in 2005.

They came across five of these elephants in a clearing close to the edge of the sanctuary. The animals scurried into the thickets on sensing human presence, but Mr. Sali Palode snapped a few pictures of one. But for their small size, the elephants looked like full-grown adults, according to him. He also ruled out the possibility of these animals being calf elephants, as calf elephants are not known to move in a herd of their own, unaccompanied by their elders.

Another distinct pygmy elephant species has been recently verified by DNA evidence, according to National Geographic. The pygmy elephants of Borneo are most likely descendants of elephants gifted to the island by the Sultan of Java. Javan pygmy elephants have since died out due to stresses placed on the island by human activity.