AUSTIN – Fans mourn the loss of beloved entertainer and maverick radio host Alex Jones, who died suddenly in his home after consuming around three hundred capsules of “high-test” Ozempic, a prescription weight loss drug. Jones was 50 years old.
The Austin police unusually refused comment, butan anonymous source close to the radio host indicated his fatal overdose was most likely part of a gag for his show.
Rumors of foul play have flooded social media, following Jones’ loss of his flagship media empire, Infowars. Jones lost the company in a defamation suit from the families of the Sandyhook mass shooting victims.
“He was snorting that stuff, chewing it. We had to take it from him when he tried boofing and mixing with alcohol. I’m not sure if it was all a joke for the show or if the stuff was actually addictive. One thing I can say for sure is he was definitely not aware of the danger. Alex was bright and completely shining with life all the way to the very end, and he needs to be remembered like that,” the anonymous source said.
Internet Chronicle reporters were able to substantiate the source’s employment under Alex Jones.
I don’t believe this claptrap about the drugs for one second,” Ms. May Forny of Lowtown, Oklahoma said, clicking her lips and shaking her head rapidly. “Oh no!” she held up her forefinger.
“They finally got him and are trying to make him look like a druggie to discredit what he’s found out about the Chinese and that deep state. I do admit his recent weight loss was suspicious, but not nearly as suspicious as the circumstances of his passing. Mr. Jones is sitting by the left hand of the lamb now, up in heaven, reporting on the hidden evils of the afterlife.”
Elon Musk has been kicked out of Trump's Cabinet and is under investigation for immigration violations
INTERNET — The Trump transitional administration announced Friday, “There will be no office in President Trump’s cabinet for the illegal immigrant Elon Musk.”
In an accusatory call-out, Trump promised to lock up “Non-American” Musk after his legal team produced paperwork casting doubt on the legality of Musk’s citizenship.
Musk referred to Trump supporters as “contemptible fools,” after his call to massively increase immigration was met with shock and outrage amongst Americans who are already having a hard enough time as it is. Now facing threats of prosecution from the incoming president, Musk is scrambling to hide his many assets from government seizure.
“Perhaps there is a national emergency on the horizon which will require the government to take control of the rocket and electric vehicle industries,” acting Trump spokesperson Ivanka Trump told reporters. “America first means Americans first, and we are going to save these jobs, no matter what some rich illegals try on us!”
Vice President JD Vance has been missing since election night, and Thiel competitor Bill Gates was spotted at Mar-A-Lago this weekend as the Trump camp recalculates their orientation amongst the powerful Silicon Valley elites who run the world.
Fans mourn the death of Hawk Tuah, whose fifteen minutes of fame went too far as crypto scam turns to assassination
INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of Hailey Welch, host of the Talk Tuah Podcast and viral meme sensation better known as Hawk Tuah.
Nashville Deputy Sheriff Eric Rawlins announced Welch’s grim death to reporters at an impromptu press conference, saying, “We have not yet found the weapon and are investigating every lead, especially reports of drones in the area around the time of the violent attack.”
“This appears to be a cowardly and cold blooded assassination, carried out while Hawk Tuah was asleep and in bed, the projectile tracking to a vector that could only be accessed by an aircraft, in this case we believe a drone.”
Police investigating Welch’s Nashville residence set up a perimeter and were photographed guarding the premises after neighbors reported gunshots Thursday night.
Welch’s tragic passing follows legal action related to the botched launch of her cryptocurrency token, which left thousands of fans holding onto Hawk Tuah branded NFTs worth only a tiny sliver of what they paid.
Sheriff Rawlins assured citizens, “Crypto ain’t anonymous, sweetheart. We pulled up every victim of Talk Tuah’s little rug pull scam on the blockchain and we’re looking into each and every one of you. She got the easy way out but the assassin won’t. We’re coming for you.”
In a fiery conclusion which was not followed by questions for the press, Sheriff Rawlins implored President-elect Trump to give local police control over their airspace, “Mr. Trump, please. Computer nerds are out here rich from legalized scamming, hiring professional drone assassins to carry out internet trolling. To answer this grave threat, we need training, funding, expertise, and tools that we just don’t have.”
In related news, Nick Fuentes, extremist influencer and “king” of the so-called “sikko sektur,” narrowly survived an assassination attempt Wednesday evening which left the would be assassin and his neighbor’s dogs dead in a violent confrontation with the police.
