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Shoenice commits suicide

Shoenice, the famous viral stunt-eating YouTube sensation, has died from ingesting a whole bag of rat poison in under 30 seconds. The video of his suicide has been removed from YouTube, but the footage above shows a manic fit posted just hours before the suicide video. A transcript of the suicide has already surfaced on Internet hacking site Pastebin.

“Hey everyone, Shoenice again. Well basically I’ve eaten everything you mofos ever requested except poison. So Shoenice is going to step up to the plate and show you he’s nobody’s fool. Shoenice has gotten more requests for poison than anything else in his entire career, so this better be the biggest video eveeeerrrr. A whole pack of rat poison in under 30 seconds. On your marks, get set, Shoenice! [inaudible] Tiiiiime. Thaaaaaaaaank You.”

How did this man degenerate from eating stunts to abuse of random strangers and finally himself? Maybe the so-called “fame” got to his head, and his ongoing “comedic” breakdown continually needed more supplement. Maybe not.

Few Hollywood comedies end tragically, but on the Internet and probably in real life this story plays out again and again. What starts as a joke becomes an all-consuming self-obsession. When this newfound “success” fails to appease the boundless fantasies of the crazed self-made “Internet Celebrity,” the compulsion for increasingly risky artistic statements trends towards disaster.

Seeking fulfillment from without by mind-controlling obsessed fanboys and masturbating to hit counts is a slippery slope with death crocodiles at the bottom.

Why do artists try to manipulate culture in their image? An artist is jealous, hateful, and vain. Oh, and won’t the artist hate me for saying that? Is art just a grievous self-inflicted wound? The subject can not be transformed into an object without fatality!

Freeplay, on the surface, does not look like this kind of fatal jealous art. Freeplay is seemingly without intention, without the masochistic impulse to be understood. The fatality here is only incidental; total indifference coexists with love and hate. The experience is beautiful. Either ego reaches a peak so high it is completely out of sight, or it is buried in the unconscious. Even still, the act of creation in Freeplay is a death, an unbecoming of the subject.

The danger of wild “misinterpretation” is a shackle to the artist no matter the mixture of conscious and unconscious intention. Look at that masochist suffer, never to be understood! The tragedy of meaning, laid bare. Is this what Shoenice is all about? Is this what all art is driving for? Do I hear him crying before he laughs?

Because all interpretations are “misinterpretations,” there is nothing left but an embrace of “misinterpretation.” Art is a dead part of the artist. Fingernail clippings. Thankfully there is no authority on meaning–just the tyranny of the stylish!

Dear Lonely God, let this man cry, and SPARE HIM THAT DESPERATE LAUGHTER.

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Your Anonymous, Incorporated–First Decentralized, Leaderless Corporation

—PRESS RELEASE DEC 21, 2012—

From the office of the PROPHETIC viral Christmas Day (!) ANNOUNCER of Sabu’s status as an FBI informant and agent provocateur comes the NEXT BEST THING! 

Your (!) Anonymous Incorporated

YOUR ANONYMOUS INCORPORATED ANNOUNCES ITS FIRST INITIAL PUBLIC OFFERING, SURE TO ASTOUND TECH INVESTORS ALL ACROSS THE WORLD. WITH THE ADVANCE OF LEADERLESS COLLECTIVES AND CRYPTOGRAPHY, A NEW TECHNOLOGICAL UTOPIA IS AT HAND. UNLIKE THE TERRIBLE FAILURE OF FACEBOOK, THIS IPO WILL REAP MASSIVE PROFITS FOR ALL INVESTORS. WE RUN MEAN AND LEAN, BABY, AND KIDS DO OUR WORK FOR FREE BECAUSE IT’S “COOL.”

LISTEN TO THE HYPE! IT’S ALL TRUE!

All investors will be able to vote for the Corporation’s decisions using advances in range voting and group decision as provided free of charge by the German Pirate Party.

AND THAT’S NOT ALL!

Everyone who signs a statement alleging Faith and Allegiance to Anonymous ideals as set forth by Our Prophetic CEO, Yoda, will be entitled to free streaming of all torrents forever, as we have just purchased The Pirate Bay!

LICENSING!! MERCHANDISE!! MASKS!! ACTION FIGURES!!

Now that we have incorporated we can afford the rights to all our favorite imagery, and finally turn a real profit off of this trend! Invest now, and you’ll be ‘apart’ of something bigger. Something never before seen. Something that will most definitely lead to a NEW GOLDEN AGE OF PROSPERITY AND HEALTH FOR ALL OF HUMANITY!

IF CORPORATIONS ARE PEOPLE, THEN “ANONYMOUS” HAS JUST RECEIVED PERSONHOOD. ALL HAIL THE NEW AGE OF UTOPIAN HYPERCONSCIOUSNESS.

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‘Original’ th3j35t3r responsible for Aurora Batman Massacre

AURORA, COLO. – New evidence unearthed by The Police revealed James Holmes as The famous Patriot Hacker known only as th3j35t3r, until now. On July 10th, 2012, th3j35t3r was replaced by a hacker known as ‘Wise.’ Since then, the original j35t3r, Holmes, went absolutely insane with the newly described pathological “Joker Syndrome,” in which the subject suffers an acute delusion and embodies The Joker character from the classic Batman comic book series.

This is EXACTLY what the public expected th3j35t3r to look like.

Originally obsessed with denial of service attacks on so-called Evil Internet Jihadis, James Holmes snapped after his Twitter account was stolen by the hacker known as ‘Wise.’ Immediately after losing his account to an impersonator, Holmes (j35t3r) stocked up on assault weapons and armor in an attempt to compensate for his impotence and, as he had relayed on AdultFriendFinder.com, his “small/average” penis size.

What followed was the kind of typical behavior expected from a self-styled comic book villain on a power trip.

EDIT: The new fake j35t3r reportedly threatened The Internet Chronicle with a Denial-of-Service attack in order to maintain the facade that he/she/they are, in fact, the “genuine” j35t3r. DO NOT LISTEN! IT IS A LIE!