Aurora Detective Jeffery Balzac said, “Upon investigating James Holmes’ laptop, left in his vehicle at the scene, we found this video had been viewed thousands of times.”

Incontrovertible Proof FOUND! PROOF The Joker Killer was “PUT UP TO IT” by the GlobeHead!

AURORA, COLO. – The GlobeHead has always existed, the not-so-binary of MALE AND FEMALE, the specializations of hunting, gathering, agriculture, onwards to the corporate industrial military Internet all-inclusive complex. Humanity is an interdependent colony organism comparable to other such fractally related colony organisms like CNIDARIANS. Absurdly polymorphic, humans have specialized to support increasingly large, increasingly connected colonies. The transfer of information artificially, first through spoken word, simple symbols, pictograms, manuscripts, print, and now social media INTERNET VIDEO bandwidth overload is equivalent to the growth of nerve fibers in CNIDARIANS. The very next step in evolution, which is quickly approaching, is the building of central artificial brain nodes, which will quickly be used for control by those in power.

AND WHAT HAVE THEY DONE THIS FOR? The elite computer geniuses receive all this technology first, but why have they chosen to use it to drive this man to murder? What does the GlobeHead want?

YOU’RE SITTING IN THE THEATER RIGHT NOW. CLOSE YOUR THIRD EYE, BUT LEAVE THE other two open.

Yes, I said close it.

The gunfight scene, the one you PAID for, the shit that makes BATMAN interesting. Your erogenous zones fill in anticipation for the FIGHT, the VIOLENCE that is to come. It’s so real, so loud, you can even smell it this time. People screaming, oh, but that’s still a part of the movie. Or no, it isn’t, but maybe they’re just afraid. The 3d effects are very real. At this point, a bullet rips through your brain BEFORE you have differentiated the massacre in the theater from the one on the screen.

COMING TO A MOVIE THEATER, HIGH SCHOOL, COLLEGE, AND MALL NEAR YOU! DISSOCIATIVE SPREE KILLING – IT’S LIKE JERUSALEM SYNDROME FOR VIOLENT MEDIA!

Westboro Baptist was right to protest the funeral of these people who died. GOD hated them, the GlobeHead HATED them. Not because they were faggots or any of that other Protestant trolling nonsense Phelps spews, but because THEY WERE SLEEPING. Expose yourself to violent imagery, and it stays with you for the rest of your life.

James Holmes was a biology and neuroscience postgrad working on a Ph.D. This shooting was his thesis, and the orange hair is proof. For his excellent work in fractally applying neuroscience to the GlobeHead, Holmes has been issued an honorary Ph.D. in Rhizomatics from Lebal Drocer College of Education.

Amen. Wesley Willis Prays for St. Holmes

Reverend Ivan Stang’s secret lineage revealed by Lebal Drocer Investigative Journalists!

CLEVELAND HEIGHTS, OHIO – Reverend Ivan Stang, also known as Doug Smith, founded the cult of “Bob,” a “satiric” “parody” (?) religion that has spawned thousands (?) of imitators (?) descended directly from Joseph Smith, founder of Mormonism and snake oil religion salesman. A 95-year-old man who once knew someone who knew Joseph Smith revealed that Doug Smith’s long-form birth certificate was in fact a forgery, and the damning paperwork was quickly found by researchers at the Lebal Drocer Institute for Hate and Jealousy.

“Bob” Dobbs was reached for comment and he just smiled like he always does, mocking SubGenius supporters of Mitt Romney for repeating the same joke over and over. Meanwhile, researchers at Lebal Drocer realized that they were “at least” the hundredth or so opposition group to accuse Stang of descending from Joseph Smith.

Lebal Drocer refused to comment, but executives wrote anonymous blog posts and used Twitter sockpuppets to congratulate themselves on their own irony. “It’s like orthodoxy is a heresy when orthodoxy is the only heresy, and heresy is cool,” one tweet read. “We are hoping to destroy the very concept of irony by applying it AFTER the fact, like bad liars,” read another. As usual, Stang’s sockpuppet cultists fired back with terrifying jokes that no sane person would ever be afraid of but nonetheless found horrific anyway regardless as a matter of course.

These “sophisticated” chronic whining fits inspired Stang to write a sequel to the Book of Mormon, or something, rather than waste his days away looking at the reincarnations of the most karmically depraved living out their lives as single-celled organisms he lovingly calls “animalcules.” “Yes, we just don’t find that stuff very interesting or funny,” said one jealous reject from the secret True hidden SubGenius newsgroup.

In response, Lebal Drocer Industries has been hard at work developing a microscope that directly observes viruses destroying Stang’s beloved animalcules at the molecular level. Only the worst of people, like “Bob,” may be reborn as viruses, which explains the rise of HIV after “Bob” was killed back in the ’80s. With a cure for AIDS on the horizon, the rebirth of “Bob” is at hand. Only one thing is certain in these trying times, and that is we are absolutely certain these times are trying too hard.