Author: Kilgoar

Reverend Ivan Stang’s secret lineage revealed by Lebal Drocer Investigative Journalists!

CLEVELAND HEIGHTS, OHIO – Reverend Ivan Stang, also known as Doug Smith, founded the cult of “Bob,” a “satiric” “parody” (?) religion that has spawned thousands (?) of imitators (?) descended directly from Joseph Smith, founder of Mormonism and snake oil religion salesman. A 95-year-old man who once knew someone who knew Joseph Smith revealed that Doug Smith’s long-form birth certificate was in fact a forgery, and the damning paperwork was quickly found by researchers at the Lebal Drocer Institute for Hate and Jealousy.

“Bob” Dobbs was reached for comment and he just smiled like he always does, mocking SubGenius supporters of Mitt Romney for repeating the same joke over and over. Meanwhile, researchers at Lebal Drocer realized that they were “at least” the hundredth or so opposition group to accuse Stang of descending from Joseph Smith.

Lebal Drocer refused to comment, but executives wrote anonymous blog posts and used Twitter sockpuppets to congratulate themselves on their own irony. “It’s like orthodoxy is a heresy when orthodoxy is the only heresy, and heresy is cool,” one tweet read. “We are hoping to destroy the very concept of irony by applying it AFTER the fact, like bad liars,” read another. As usual, Stang’s sockpuppet cultists fired back with terrifying jokes that no sane person would ever be afraid of but nonetheless found horrific anyway regardless as a matter of course.

These “sophisticated” chronic whining fits inspired Stang to write a sequel to the Book of Mormon, or something, rather than waste his days away looking at the reincarnations of the most karmically depraved living out their lives as single-celled organisms he lovingly calls “animalcules.” “Yes, we just don’t find that stuff very interesting or funny,” said one jealous reject from the secret True hidden SubGenius newsgroup.

In response, Lebal Drocer Industries has been hard at work developing a microscope that directly observes viruses destroying Stang’s beloved animalcules at the molecular level. Only the worst of people, like “Bob,” may be reborn as viruses, which explains the rise of HIV after “Bob” was killed back in the ’80s. With a cure for AIDS on the horizon, the rebirth of “Bob” is at hand. Only one thing is certain in these trying times, and that is we are absolutely certain these times are trying too hard.

Occupiers at the National Gathering have finally unveiled a so-called “Big Plan” of Direct Action against the Finance Monopoly Capitalists they so naively call the %1. This is direct action that actually matters!

Occupy Territoria

Territoria is an entire world of vacant buildings held hostage by Finance Capitalists as collateral for their increasingly risky and insane investments in war machines. They’ve made an entire industry on the whole premise that your grandmother can’t pay her mortgage! Rather than camping in parks as part of a pointless exercise in drawing media attention from the masses, Occupy Territoria confronts this struggle head on!

Up till now, the struggle has been symbolic, a simulation of a revolution in what is an entirely stable culture under the iron grip of the hegemonic Finance Monopoly Capitalists they so childishly call the %1! By some magic, the camps in city parks, a terrible place to be, will somehow spread across the nation as an idyllic new haven for culture and economic justice. THIS WAS A LIE! OCCUPY HAS FAILED!

BUT NO MORE!!! Join Occupy Territoria today and we can provide you with maps of abandoned buildings owned by Finance Monopoly Capitalists, which are yours by right of the Occupy National Gathering’s Declaration of Interdependence!!!! Camp in buildings with no utilities! Move to the country! Move to the city! When the cops come, livestream it and get a new place! Territoria is ours! FOREVER!

Oh, but it won’t be easy. Territoria will use the model set forth by Occupy to settle all disputes–especially rape and murder–internally. Entire corporate farms will be taken over, and air-tight chambers will keep the pollen of Monsanto’s devil genepoison from crossing with purebred seeds bought straight from Lebal Drocer’s food insurance seed bank in Antarctica–at a special rate for card-carrying citizens of Territoria. Eventually, everyone will join the new Near-Utopia nation of Territoria, the world’s first global nation. Paid for and sponsored by the 1%.

Remember, the first rule of Territoria is do not talk about Territoria (Until you’re being “evicted,” of course!)

Until now, the Big Plan, as it is known to insiders, has been kept out of sight by the alternative secret organization within Occupy. Fed up with the wasteful mind control that is the Human Microphone and General Assembly model, the more intelligent among Occupy formed a powerful organization, which had to be hid from mainstream Occupiers who vehemently oppose any forms of organization. You may know them as the Occulati, and they do not believe in solidarity. Some say they were sent in by the 1%, others say they are agents from the Illuminati, others don’t really know the difference to begin with and just hate that they livestream Black Bloc.

THIS IS MONOPOLY ANARCHY! WE HAVE CORNERED THE MARKET. JOIN TERRITORIA TODAY. BECOME A TRUE ANARCHIST.