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Little boy REACTS: ‘Why are puppet shows still a thing?’

record scratch. freeze frame.
record scratch. freeze frame.

Soooo, yeah. I bet right now you’re probably wondering how I got here, huh?

VHS footage rewinds through an entire, shitty puppet act, and

I’m staring, like a stoop, at someone who should not exist, an adult who plays with dolls, in front of me, for money.

Mom and Dad fight a lot. I escape into videogames and youtube videos – changing by the minute – on a 6th-generation iPad handed down to me from Aunt Judy. A single iPad does little to muffle the gut-wrenching snarles of hatred coming up through the floor, but it does minimize their impact on my sensitive brain.

For some reason, though, Mom and Dad are pissed off that I’m on it all the time. Over the weekend, Dad entered my room without knocking. I expected him to kneel down at my eye level, comfort me, and maybe even let me know they are not getting a divorce. Instead of comforting me, Dad took away my videogames and explained they have decided to enrich my life by taking me down to the community theater, where a balding man in suspenders would introduce me and a pack of Latch-Key kids to a miniature stage and his troupe of ancient puppets. Was this some kind of sick joke?

Let me tell you, folks. This shit is real.

So out comes the puppet act. I’m sitting here watching some Gallagher-looking burnout, and he’s dancing his little puppets around – marionettes, he calls them – and you can tell he’s been doing it a long time, since before I was born, because these little wooden bastards are creepy looking. But they are not supposed to be. He never once acknowledges it. Also, he never tells any jokes, or does anything remotely entertaining, whatsoever. At no time do I enjoy this. Still, he just keeps going.

I can even see his shoulders. The guy is right there, behind the stage! I give Dad a sidelong glare, and he looks back at me, nodding, as if to say, “Son, this is from before iPads and shit.”

So I figure ‘whatever.’ I’m giving this lanky beatnik the benefit of the doubt. I mean, this guy has committed his entire life to this material, so it must be some entertaining shit, right? Wrong! This guy’s puppet material is the least relatable thing I’ve seen since Dad introduced me to Henny Youngman.

Maybe I exhibit awareness beyond my years, but I only just learned how to read, and I still need more than a three-word setup, and one-word punchline, Mr. Youngman.

Anyway, back to the puppets: Do you realize how desensitized I am? OK, I am five years old, and I have access to close-up, hidden camera massage parlor pornography, alone in my bedroom. You’re going to have to do better than jangling two limp puppets in front of me like a set of car keys. Oh, they have personalities! Do they? Do they, really? Which one’s the funny one? Which one is more entertaining than electric football?

Now I’m back at home. My parents’ failing marriage has once again stolen the show, and I am back on the iPad. I found a neat 8-hour unboxing video of a product that does not even exist, and is just there to edge me closer and closer to the ultimate dopamine release, which sources tell me is right around the corner.

Watch:

This is the Waiting for Godot of unboxing videos. Surely the dopamine will hit soon.

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Reviews Technology

Sega Dreamcast is the Best Gaming Console of All Time – OF ALL TIME!

The Sega Dreamcast is hailed by legions as the best videogame system ever created. Gaming fans new and old revered Sega’s final foray into the competitive market of console gaming as their greatest achievement yet. The Dreamcast was more than just a gaming console – it represented a defiant protest of century-old Nintendo, a last stand against the staying power of Sony, and stood out as the ideological opposite of the soulless, ball-less piece of three-headed Hydra shit Microsoft calls an Xbox.

The Sega Dreamcast had the best repertoire of first- and third-party games of any console, the first mainstream integration of online play, and clear, beautiful graphics. Many games boasted 60 frames per second (FPS), making racing games and shooters like Unreal Tournament very exciting, and leading many to wonder, “Wait how many FPS was it before?”

Dreamcast even had a web browser (with an upgraded 2.0 version!) so young children, who didn’t yet know how to delete their browser histories, could safely download pornography without fear of parental retribution – right on their very own standard-definition TVs!

Behold, The Legendary Sega Dreamcast

Sega Dreamcast

To the average mouth breathing redditor, this looks like your average videogame console with a sexy Dreamcast logo on it. But what would you know? Part of the Dreamcast’s charm is in its subtlety. The Dreamcast had a little orange light that, when the system powered on, glowed bright orange and inspired the original design scheme used by the mysterious and fabled Elf Wax Times publication which – according to legend – reigned supreme for a better part of the previous decade. But who knows for sure? The system advances through several stages of power until its fans kick on and Phantasy Star Online bounces to life. Oh yeah, but if your VMU battery is dead, the VMU screen will appear faded, and Dreamcast itself will scream at you by emitting a long, ear-piercing tone from a tiny speaker built into the console. This is a gentle reminder to change your VMU battery. The tone gets longer based on how dead the battery is. You change it because you do as you’re told, and you don’t want to hear that noise anymore. Sega thought of everything!

What’s a VMU battery?

Upon closer inspection, the most observant of retards may notice there is a tiny screen on board the Dreamcast controller, which was revolutionary at the time. Dreamcast controllers also feature two analog triggers that fit nicely in the hands, like dual-wielded pistols with clitorises for triggers. Useful as a heads up display, the removable memory device known as a VMU (Visual Memory Unit) powers the tiny screen, which changed to fit whatever needs game developers chose for it. Oftentimes it displayed ammunition data, hit points or even jokes and small bits of game lore. Admittedly, it sounds kind of gimmicky. Fortunately, there’s more to it than that. You could download games onto that bitch, straight off your Dreamcast game discs, then jerk it out and play it like a fucking GameBoy. No shit. Look:

VMUSega just didn’t give a fuck. In the game Sonic Adventure, you collected Chao eggs. You can load eggs – or a hatched chao – into your VMU and then when you go to school, or work – where you no doubt suffer as a result of being apart from the Dreamcast – you can play Chao Adventure on the VMU, leveling your Chao’s stats to make him stronger for when you load him back into Sonic Adventure. Now that’s metagaming!

PowerStone contained three games available for download. There were fighting games, gun games and puzzles. There are a bunch more but that’s all I can remember off the top of my head. As a kid, I worked for my own videogame (and weed) money, so I didn’t have every game. Sorry, cunt.

If the VMU had anything going against it, it was the watch battery in the back that’s always dying, trying to meet the demands of all the awesomeness inside our VMU. When you needed a new one, you had to walk up to some sad person at Wal-Mart who acted like he was doing you this unspoken favor of constantly supplying you with these flat, quarter-sized watch batteries. It’s not opium, Rajiv. It’s just a fucking battery. I don’t remember what they cost.

Probably the coolest thing about the Dreamcast was just owning a god damn Dreamcast.

Tell you what, that’s the end of this game review, and there’s no looking back now. Now fire up your Dreamcasts and put on Slave Zero.

Masturbate, don’t procreate.

 

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News Reviews

When did Julian Assange turn Wikileaks BAD?

Was Julian Assange protecting bastards while he was supposed to be crushing them? When it comes to “crushing bastards,” there are only certain bastards he’s willing to crush, according to internal sources.

The full discussion is here, in a brand new episode of Hate Radio, from chronicle.su, brought to you incredibly by Lebal Drocer Incorporated. In the episode, editors kilgoar and hatesec pinpoint the moment Assange took Wikileaks down its dark path.

“Basically it’s antijournalism, is what you could call it,” says kilgoar, a chronicle.su editor and leading Wikileaks expert.

Was Julian Assange protecting bastards when he was supposed to be crushing them? When it comes to crushing bastards, there are only certain bastards he's willing to crush
KILGOAR, OF CHRONICLE.SU, EXPLAINS WIKILEAKS FROM HIS FORTIFIED COMPOUND DEEP BENEATH THE EARTH.

After the recording of the latest Internet Chronicle bombshell podcast, Rustle League successfully DoS attacked Julian’s personal Twitter account, disabling it permanently.

“Julian Assange can maintain this claim that he’s totally impartial and he’s just publishing whatever he gets his hands on – and, on the other hand – all the promotion of it is done to put the magnifying glass on, say, Hillary Clinton, for example, or various government figures that are representatives of the neoliberal world order that Julian Assange wants to destroy.”

— kilgoar, moments after reading a DM sent by carrier pigeon from Julian Assange himself, who sadly believed he was talking to Sean Hannity

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, from the Lebal Drocer University Department of Mass Communications, said he noticed Julian’s mission and worldview appeared cleverly opportunistic, which proved exploitable for the benefit of the college professor’s own ambition to someday go in on a chain of Chic-Fil-As in beautiful downtown Aleppo. That’s when he and his team began their research in 2011.

“He’s a chameleon,” said Dr. Troubadour. “He fits in and blends in with the moment, and will take whoever he wants on his side. Wikileaks is really compelling to a lot of people, and it seems to have this power of truth behind it, that ‘this is the real deal. this isn’t some expert sitting in between me and my investigation. I get to do it myself. This is like Wikipedia.”

kilgoar said Assange claims not to have any part in the editorial process, urging the public to go to the leaks, read them, and make up their minds.

“Basically it’s antijournalism, is what you could call it,” kilgoar said. “It’s the opposite of journalism. It’s saying, ‘Everybody is now the investigator, and that’s why you have stuff like PizzaGate.”

Armed with his real M-16, a North Carolina man self-investigated #PizzaGate after the Fake News Media failed to do so.
Armed with his real M-16, a North Carolina man self-investigated #PizzaGate after the Fake News Media failed to do so.

They burnt bridges with publications like the Guardian beacuse they didn’t like what came out of the investigations.

There was a time when Wikileaks was dedicated to working with journalists. That’s probably when it was good. That was when they didn’t do these massive treasure troves of crap.

— Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, Lebal Drocer University

Kilgoar says Wikileaks is now doing just that.

“It’s the lazy way out. That’s the change they’ve had,” kilgoar said. “If the investigations revealed their leaks to be not sensational, they didn’t agree with the results of Wikileaks’ internal analysis.”

J-Watch

Keep them “honest” by reading this month’s Internet Chronicle Journalism Watch

Barrett Brown’s Pursuance Project is similar antijournalism, according to Dr. Troubadour, making note of Brown’s future prospects as a carnival spectacle and potential host of his own miniseries on Viceland.

Brown, lead Pursuant at Project Pursuance, is categorized under the Troubadour Scale of Culpability as being at “High Risk” of editorializing too strongly to be allowed to continue his work representing uppercase Anonymous. But he’s hot money right now, and Jimmy Kramer says “buy, buy, buy.” The Pursuance Project is projected to carve a path of destruction through institutions like The Guardian, Wikipedia and Internet Chronicle, in its pursuit of something.