When I think of South American drug cartels, I’m reminded of the beheading videos I used to download from Limewire and Kazaa in the year 2000.
NEW YORK — “Readers won’t know what hit ’em,” Donald Trump told The Internet Chronicle on Saturday. “It’ll blindside ’em. This book is gonna hit you so hard, reading it will literally make you retarded.”
Trump said he reached out to chronicle.su to discuss the latest in what appears to be the largest public relations stunt in American history.
“I wanted people to see how I did it,” Trump said. “How I turned a small loan into a booming political franchise. How I walked right up to the country like it was an ATM, and how I just reached out. And grabbed its pussy.”
Mike Pence described his own shock at the book reveal as “apoplectic.” Pence said he hadn’t seen such gross political misconduct since as far back as 2014, when former Va. governor Bob McDonnell and his wife were indicted for selling political favors to Anatabloc salesman Johnnie Williams. Pence said he looks for the same from former Va. governor Tim Kaine.
“Political favor is not to be sold,” Pence said. “It is to be stolen, like an election. That’s democracy.”
An inconsolable Pence did not attend a function in Wisconsin, and could not be reached for further comment.
Look for Donald Trump’s Grabbing Pussies everywhere books are sold, on sale Nov. 2.
[Editor’s Note: Lebal Drocer’s official stance is such that: People are property, and women belong in the crosshairs of male aggression and affection, not positions of power.]
Grabbing Pussies is a Lebal Drocer Production. CHRONICLE.SU and her subsidiaries are property of Lebal Drocer, Inc.
“Hello Games promised the universe, and they delivered,” says Steam user cUnTmOnk3y69. “No Man’s Sky is about sci-fi novel covers. You fly around and look at math visuals with unprecedented omniscience.”
Users reported getting stoned and playing the popular science fiction exploration game for upwards of 12 hours in a single sitting.
“Although it was pretty boring, we just kept doing it,” says Internet Chronicle game reviewer hatesec. “I upgraded my multi-tool several times. Sometimes that made it worse.”
No Man’s Sky
Interactive online multiplayer
Fly together with your friends, grief opponents online, and imagine yourselves entangled in some kind of operatic space fantasy, because you constantly need to escape.
Massive space battles
Join any faction, and your choices have huge impact on how the game deletes your progress after reaching the center of any galaxy.
You get it, the game kinda sucks but I’m being cute about it. Not worth $60. Not worth much, anyway.