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I masturbated on the train, and it was actually? Pretty chill. My story

I jerked off in a crowded subway car. This is my story.
I jerked off in a crowded subway car. This is my story.

NEW YORK—Hello guys! WHAT is up, it’s your boi Old Brutus coming at you MOST relaxed today, and first off – I want to say – I was not paid to produce the following review. I wrote this material of my own accord after taking advice from a trusted vagrant, who you’ll read about below, and I owe my renewed outlook and sense of chill directly to this kind, generous man and those words of wisdom he so graciously imparted to me.

I want to share his message, and my story, with you all here on this most sacred of platforms, the Internet Chronicle.

So yeah. I jerked off in the subway.

Here’s how it went down:

I had a real bad day at work. They don’t even know who I am out there! Next to me was an old homeless man, and he leaned in, he could see I was down on my luck, he was that kind of perceptive, spiritual hobo, you understand?

He leaned in, to me real close, and he said, “Tough day?”

Out of the corner of my eye, I briefly glanced at his face.

“Yeah,” I said. “Fucking miserable cunts don’t appreciate me.”

Ol feller leaned in again. Even closer, and he said, “Want to know what helps me?”

Feeling like I was fresh out of options, and half-curious to hear what he had to say, I said what?

He said, “Putting one hand tween my legs, and grabbing hold the root of my cock, you see? Like this…” He reached into his sagging military fatigues, and grabbed. “Then with your other hand, you just start cranking your hog, see? Right here on this train car!”

“Right here?” I asked. “In front of all these people?”

That’s right, he said, here on the 7 train. Told me to look them in the eye as I go.

I said, “Well, old timer, me being a young stripe such as I am, I guess I’m willing to try anything once, and while the day is still young, too.” So, in the spirit of good journalism — and with old wisdom in hand — I set out for a fresh start, and walked between train cars through the emergency door. Not that it matters, but I went backward, in the opposite direction we were going. Lights and graffiti shot by as my ears popped, and I felt like the Space Baby.

The next door opened into a full car, standing room only. That old fear returned, that it was going to be another one of “those” rides, again. That was when it occurred to me: the sheer, absolute power of what I am about to do. For the Lord knew, this was no typical commute.

If you’re standing up right now, you might want to sit down for this next part.

I unbuttoned the top button of my slacks, releasing the next button, as well as the two inner steel hooks of my smart brown work pants. Then I reached my skinny wrist into my pleated tech support khakis, and I just started working that shit.

Immediately, everyone around me got up to move, and get away. With the benches empty, I took a seat and – yes – you could say that by now, I was really manspreading.

People were disgusted. A horrified woman shot cellphone footage, which was seen last night around the world. So did a man. Also a man. There was actually another man filming, too, as I recall. As it turns out, there were a lot of men filming me.

So, long story short: Jerking off on the MTA sorted me right out! I rolled over and busted a fat nut in the corner as people insulted, stared, marveled and even dared to criticize. But in that moment, you really just don’t care. For one brief moment, I was truly free.

The rest of the ride was comfortable and went by without incident.

On my Spotify:

Cherry Poppin Stepdaddies

Longmont Emotion Hassle

cmon ride the train remix by hatesec


“I understand you jerked off on a public train this morning, is that true?” —Johnny Carson

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President Obama dies at 48

Washington, DC – The 44th President of the United States of America died Sunday from complications related to the Swine Flu. Barack Hussein Obama was 48 years old.

Barack Obama is credited for giving $14 billion to NASA and drafting a health care bill that was never passed.

Obama reportedly contracted Swine Flu after close contact with government pigs in Washington.

Elf Wax Expert Political Analyst Langston T. Harness said, “More controversial than his grayish skin color – by the way, I spell gray with an ‘a’ ’cause that’s how we do it in America – was the favor shown to him by all world leaders, even Kim jong-Il, who invited Barack Obama’s step-brother, Bill Clinton, to North Korea for whiskey shots. Clinton reportedly left the country with two whores in tow.”

An invite-only memorial reception will be held at the Watergate Hotel, following a funeral in Kenya – where Obama was born.

Sources: FOX News

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