Creepy crawlies in your Internet? It’s more likely than you think

Reader beware!

There are creeps on the prowl, culminating in a Memorial Day festival of “remember me, you used to trust me? let’s talk” type of motherfuckers crawling out of the woodwork, and into your DMs.

Edward Snowden accesses sensitive files using a mind-computer interface. It would suck to be blind right now, because this picture looks pretty cool.
Your most trusted online friend.

If someone comes up to you with friend requests and hi-how-are-yous, that’s nice, but be careful when talking to them. They might seem innocuous at first, but over time – for reasons unknown – they could be building a profile of who you are, what you do, and what kind of person you are. They’re creeps, Jerry!

They might approach with strange assumptions. Don’t let these passing signals go undetected. For instance, they might approach you pretending to be someone you trust. You might recognize a name, and you could be familiar with its origin, but you did not implicitly trust that person. This is the incongruent kind of shit to watch out for.

“This dumb bastard believes I’m Jake Davis.”

Or maybe they are unstable people who can quickly turn. Time and safe practices can help you measure a person’s stability and proclivities. Unstable people might do the same, but they can turn these tools of simple good judgment into weapons of cyber, mental and emotional attacks.

“No shit ASSHOLE, but why?”

Not every creep is a fed or law enforcement. Some are just creeps, and perhaps they are the worst ones. If they are online, being creepy and arbitrarily gaining people’s trust – for no other reason than for love of the game – there is no way of knowing just how far their passion for destruction may go.

For no other reason, for love of the game.

For no other reason, your life was never the same.


— Battle Hymn of the Creepy Crawlies

Jim Hannaman
“Hey what’s up, do you trust me yet?”

These people can often try to get a person to say a certain thing, and that is where it blends into fed territory – for example, when building a case against radical Internet personalities – but shares space with life ruination types, too. In general, what are you doing talking to people who need weirdly specific shit from you?

People taking liberties is very important to Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, of the Internet Chronicle Cybernetic Institute. He says readers should watch out for people who make assumptions and operate on their assumptions with you, or people who slip inappropriate things into conversation.

Dr. Troubadour can not reproduce in a drug the same rush that people get from ruining each other’s lives.

He says at first, some creeps will try to see how much bullshit you are willing to go along with, or how much they can get by you —gaining your implied approval or acknowledgment of whatever weird shit they want to introduce into a given story.

“If you feel like you are being guided into odd conversations, that kind of person might be dangerous,” Troubadour says. “They can enter with strong egos, fun at first, but forceful as time goes on. They can be dangerous legally, by taking advantage of your politeness or putting you in a situation where you feel like you have to say something to appease them, but also in the literal sense that there is no telling what lengths a crazy person might go to get involved with your life. Just because it’s fun for them, they will sit and drink Starbucks at their computer, giggling and working to harm you, do you know what I’m saying? They’re getting a rush off that shit that I can’t even approach with TerrorMax.”

Reader beware!

For some reason we can’t have a normal society without shadow creeps crawling in, so just watch out, is all we are saying. We are all friends here. Until we’re not.

Be safe. Practice safe personal sharing guidelines. Some people might act normal, but with situational awareness, you can keep them at arm’s length, safely able to joke around and have a good time. Time and good judgment will tell if a person is truly safe. Observe their attitudes while controlling access. You might be keeping someone at arm’s length, but do they act like you are within arm’s reach?

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Your opps will know never to mess with Internet Chronicle readers.

This message is brought to you steadfastly by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
“Stay ahead of the game.”
Entertainment Reviews

Is Jimmy Fallon a lizard person? Yes, Jimmy Fallon is a reptile

Jimmy Fallon is a reptile. He is openly a lizard man!

INTERNET CHRONICLE EXCLUSIVE: A rare look at the empty husk of a man

NEW YORK—Yes, Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon has a weird energy. His interviews often have a constrictive vibe where there seems to be some pointless hurry to say everything in a fast jazzy jabber, in which not a moment can breathe. Yes, he plays peek-a-boo with guests, and hides behind his hands. Of course he does. That is old news. In this article, we are setting that aside as we explore the overwhelming probability that behind his funny mask, Jimmy Fallon is a hollow, creepy person, and lizard-like in demeanor.

WATCH CLOSELY: There’s a ton of cute Jimmy Fallon gifs online, but none focus on his snake-like flit of the tongue. Fallon routinely flits his tongue when he thinks no one is watching, the way snakes breathe.

It’s a tough job, but you don’t have to be perfect. Leno was down and dirty, but you watched it anyway since he was great. Conan was Conan, played like he’s on stilts. Far from perfect, Johnny Carson himself was arguably the most flawed of all tonight show hosts, until you really start to look at Jimmy.

No one was better than Johnny Carson.

Johnny Carson, who started The Tonight Show, was revered for his warmth and even-kilter interview style. Johnny earned his place in American history – and our living rooms – by making connections, setting an example, and making people laugh and feel good. At the end of a segment, you’d learned something about his guest, saw a lightning storm of intelligent people, conversation and jokes, and you even smiled with them as everyone stuck the landing and it all went really well.

Fallon does that, too. Seinfeld has appeared on The Tonight Show since the 1980s, and calls Fallon’s style an “amazing, legendary artificial enthusiasm,” and he meant it sincerely, even if as a back-handed compliment. Their segment, too, ends on a laugh and a high note. But Fallon also does this weird thing where – just for a moment – he flashes reptilian and insect-like.

Fallon rapidly flicks his tongue, like a snake tasting the air.

He does it more when interviewing young women, but he does it a lot.

Take a recent example, grabbed at random and selected because the interview is labeled ‘Extended’ …meaning there would be enough time for the conversation to be suffocated with high energy, and to have a bad, horrible vibe. Yet it is in the earliest moments of their interaction, that Jimmy’s eyes go cold.


The above video was selected for another parameter: Fallon behaves especially lizard-like when interviewing young, up-and-coming female talent, such as Jenna Ortega, who is a true artist that pours her soul into her work, and is about neither fame nor the hype. In fact, her commitment to her craft is what makes it all the more egregious to see Fallon shift out of his affable, relatable mode and into his Reptile Brain.

Jimmy Fallon is an incredible comic actor, he is very kind, and he is easy to get along with. But there are moments, when he is also something else. His acting talents are so fast, and so sharp, that he does a fantastic job of masking, but it’s only play.

Watch closely for glimmers behind the mask. The lights are on but nobody is home.

After posing the first question, Fallon holds his gaze on Ortega’s body for so long, that in the next frame, the cameras cut away because it was getting super obvious. He does it again later, leaning back to watch her response like he is in Eyes Wide Shut.

He looks again at her legs, repeatedly.

Before a minute can pass, and seemingly against his will, Fallon rapidly flits out his tongue, as if tasting the air.

(Jimmy Fallon, at dress rehearsal): “OK so when my guest uncrosses her legs, stay on me, and that is when I’ll stare straight down her snatch, got it?”

Johnny Carson used to have on the great Henny Youngman. Fallon brings out Pretty Young, Man.

Jimmy Fallon brings a whole insect controlled by a parasite vibe to the party that the hoes can't really vibe with.
The vibe is dreadful.

Everyone loved Johnny Carson. Growing up at Internet Chronicle, we watched him every night.

Olaf Encke

Some observers attribute a shift in his demeanor that took place during a sudden pattern of getting hurt in accidents, partway through Fallon’s tenure as host.

In one such incident Fallon was treated for ring avulsion, an injury patients get from removing their wedding bands too quickly.

Maybe Jimmy got hurt and got creepy.

On the other hand, Jimmy Fallon is an insanely talented, sexy, disgusting motherfucker who is also capable of perfectly impersonating Jim Morrison, even hitting his distorted, howling high notes, the thing that Morrison is best known for.

Maybe Jimmy Fallon deserves a shitload of pussy. Who are we to say if he doesn’t? Look at him play!

But dude we have a show to do. Why not beforehand, just fuck two whores who look identical to your guest? That way maybe you can look her in the eye.

Bill it to 30 Rock, because that’s also something Jim Morrison would do before and after putting on a great show. “Love Me Two Times” (1967).

If that is what it takes to keep your demeanor level, then do that. Because this is The Tonight Show and we need you in the moment, Jimmy. However…

[ominous music]

What if, behind the mask, there is no Jimmy? What if those moments of – leering, tongue-snapping, sudden vacancy of the eyes, carnal lust, praying mantis posture – what if underneath the concept, under his veneer, that’s all Jimmy Fallon really is?

Johnny Carson would often let moments sit. He would sit with his guest, briefly or for several seconds, while they connected to see what was actually worth bringing up. Pondering how to get to the next moment gracefully was the fuel of Johnny’s warmth. This was especially true when connecting with non-comedian guests such as dog owners and competition divers. Johnny would watch shitty videos of people diving, and quietly say, “Pretty,” after each one. Gentle. There’s no music to shout over. It didn’t need to feel like a party. The audience got to know the rare inner thoughts of quiet people, and the sound of room tone.

Jimmy chases that intimacy out of the show like Benny Hill. Keeps it icy, cold, snappy, let’s move it along, and done. The show is missing the warmth of humanity itself.

I used to think guys like Jimmy Fallon, ‘Eh, maybe his heart’s just not in it.’ But Jimmy’s got no heart. It’s not like he would rather be fishing. He is doing exactly what he wants, right there in front of you.

Jimmy Fallon is literally a lizard.

Health Status Quo

Got a case of the Mondays? A weekend drug bender could be “Miracle cure”

The smiles on my client’s faces are the only credentials I need.

SWEETWATER—Hi I’m Angstrom Troubadour, promoting the concept of splitting my personality off, and inserting intentions between two different bodies, which is how I’m able to be here, to tell you, Dr. Troubadour says do a lot of drugs over the weekend so you’re still high on Monday morning.

Now why don’t you lay back on that table. Let me and Dr. Troubadour open up your source code.

How’s that grab you sweetheart?

Dr. Troubadour is a licensed professional in ALL 50 STATES. He is insured. Bonded!

Let Lebal Drocer be your light this Holiday Season (mid-June) as you venture deeper into the goblin cave systems, ignoring the lull of gnomes and their sweet little voices.

How does that stuff your socking?

Don’t answer that! Listen to what I’ve got to say. Hi everyone, I’m source 2 and the writer would have inserted me here, but instead he signed a statement legally forbidding my name from appearing in all articles published by him. Learn more about this never, because no one can talk louder than my money.

Dr. Troubadour’s serum is available at all major drugstores and Walmart Supercenters. Hell on Earth is available now, everywhere.

dr troubadour
Troubadour was cleared of wrong-doing.

So anyway get real high all weekend, you won’t even feel Monday. Who are you? Garfield? You are above Monday. He lies beneath it.

I’m Dr. Troubadour, a trusted Medical Doctor, versed in the Humanities.

Fight the power. Fist of justice. 10 percs in the open palm. Sleepy Warriors. Party every night. — Doctor’s Orders