Author: Kilgoar

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News

Lebal Drocer purchases Your Anon Incorporated, Jesus is risen

Do you seriously believe everything you read? Do I have to connect the dots for you? How many times can the same plot-device be effective? Well, I even had me fooled for a while there.

Our parent company purchased Your Anon Incorporated, and the Internet Chronicle is now the throbbing heart of a vast social media empire which is growing at an impossibly fast rate. With this deal came a whole merchandise sweatshop full of wage slaves down in Ecuador, and with any luck Julian Assange will be hired on as assistant manager.

More importantly, we’d like to announce the rise of Your Anon Christ, who is most certainly the second coming. Christ has teamed up with Your Anon Buddha and Your Anon Inglip to comically lord over the dirty consciences of Anon skids. Through this loophole, we will be able to impose a monolithic belief structure upon Anonymous which will ensure solidarity and effective group efforts. Think about it, Anonymous, didn’t you always know that the second Jesus would be an Anon? He’s not anything like the “Christians” who have had thousands of years to fuck up all the teachings and get wrapped up in violence and repression. No ma’am, he sleeps with all his followers like it’s Stranger in a Strange Land. He’s healing people left and right, performing miracles like you wouldn’t believe. I heard he already brought a DEAD person back to LIFE!

Don’t you wish daddy could see you now? We’ll find paradise and mommy will be right there to hug and kiss you through the whole ride.

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News

Fireworks dot com

Well kiddos, I’ve been to both HELL and HEAVEN, so here’s what I have to report. Listen up, because this is important!

  • Anonymous is NOT the “final boss” of the Internet.
  • The Internet is actually NOT a video game.
  • If you take everything you read seriously, you might end up starting a cult.
  • Starting cults is so easy a caveman could do it.
  • Controlling and influencing others is fun only for masochists.
  • Suzie the Floozie IS actually a prophetess.
  • Being a jerk will only get the respect of other jerks, and that’s not worth much.
  • Hate is just love for jerks.
  • The world’s a hall of mirrors which will deeply disturb serial jerks.
  • Even funny lies can hurt people.
  • There’s probably no right and wrong, but there are nightmares.
  • If you find yourself constantly rationalizing your own behavior, you will have nightmares.
  • Being a hero is for idiots and cartoon characters. Do you really want to be a cartoon character?
  • Pretending to be your hero makes you look like an idiot.
  • Apologizing makes you look like an idiot.
  • A hell of a lot of people are in love with death and don’t even know it.
  • If you think people are out to get you, you probably think you’re way too important.
  • Lay down with the fleas, and you’ll turn into a dog.
  • “God” was created in your image, so she/he’s really a joke. “Real” nonetheless.
  • There are plenty of people out there who will gladly spend immense amounts of time teaching you these lessons the hard way, if necessary.
Aaaaaaand there ya go

axisflip cryptofinancial

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Entertainment

A Song of Ice and Fire Conclusion Leaked by UGNazi

Anonymous hackers from UGNazi have infiltrated Geroge R. R. Martin’s personal computer and found a rough draft of the next two installments in the Song of Ice and Fire series made famous by the HBO Game of Thrones Series. I have had the pleasure of reading these manuscripts in full. Spoilers are as follow:

  • Jon Snow is actually not the son of Eddard Stark, but rather of Rhaegar Targaryen. He dies at the end of A Dance with Dragons, but then enters a complex state of semi-death just as his uncle Benjen Stark did.
  • Jon Snow believes he is in command of the undead Wildlings, and Daenarys believes she is in command of her own dragons.
  • Jojen is dead. Bran Stark ate part of Jojen in the paste of Weirwood seeds.
  • Stannis becomes the new “Reek” for Ramsay Bolton.
  • Bran is actually in control of the hordes of undead Wildlings invading Westeros during the Winter.
  • Bran uses the walkers and whites to rain hellish destruction upon the Lannisters and other enemies of the Starks, but is temporarily thwarted by the dragons of Daenarys before taking partial control of those as well.
  • Daenarys gains the throne, but only after melting Winterfell into a smoldering ruin.
  • Jon dies a second time in a fiery confrontation with Melisandre.
  • Patchface uses powers granted to him by the Drowned God to help Arya find the Red Priests.
  • Arya answers the prayers of Westeros, which call for the death of all the Red Priests. Her newly gained powers from the cult of the Many Faced God penetrates their glammers, and she sees each Red Priest as a hideous monster. She kills them with Needle, but never reunites with Jon Snow.
  • Arya’s mission traumatizes her and she returns to the temple of the Many Faced God and prays for her own death. Her prayers are granted.
  • Tyrion falls in love with Penny and marries her, only to reunite with Tysha that very evening.
  • Jamie lied to Tyrion, and Tysha really was a whore. “Hands of Gold are always Cold.”
  • Jamie is killed by Catelyn’s evil reanimated corpse.
  • Cersei commits suicide by throwing herself into an angry mob.
  • All the pivotal characters then die in a single bloody battle. Some are revived by magic and the rest of the deaths are just lies spread by Varys.
  • Tyrion stabs Varys to death.
  • Eddard is also revived as a warrior skeleton and reunites with evil zombie Catelyn.
  • Eddard and Catelyn have another marriage, at which Jamie is revived just so Eddard can kill him to drink his blood.
  • Theon marries Asha and Jon Snow eats their faces off at the wedding.
  • Sansa marries Petyr Baelish and Jon Snow eats their faces off at the wedding.
  • Victarion returns from Valyria, also marries Asha, and Jon Snow eats their faces off at the wedding.
  • Victarion is revived, marries Daenarys, and Jon Snow east his face off at the wedding.
  • Oberyn Martell is revived and marries Daenarys. Jon Snow eats Oberyn’s face off at the wedding.
  • Barristan Selmey is revived and marries Daenarys. Jon Snow eats Barristan’s face off at the wedding.
  • Daenarys figures out the pattern and marries Jon Snow. Catelyn and Eddard eat both of their faces off at the wedding.
  • The series is not actually over, and there are at least 3 more books planned.