Author: Kilgoar

The Turing test is a silly measure of “sentience” designed by some early TransHuman centennial fucker whose name has been forgotten by time. A “true” artificial intelligence should be capable of fooling a human into believing it is a human over AOL chat sessions, and that’s basically the gist of it. Some people out there are so fucking dumb, it’s impossible to tell whether they’re an algorithm mixing up pseudorandom words or a real human. Google’s Cleverbot would pass the Turing test before a lot of real humans, hence the “clever” joke, “You couldn’t pass the Turing Test!” Basically, any idiot can put together mind-controlling fear phrases in a computer algorithm, call it entertainment, and make big bucks. Seriously, this is nothing new or special, and nothing about it proves intelligence.

The SuperTuring Test is the only way to really qualify intelligence. An artificial intelligence that can differentiate the identities of those who obfuscate and engage in excessive sockpuppetry would show the capability for recognizing personality rather than simple charlatan mimicry. Technically, this is just a very difficult reverse Turing test, and a lot of stupid humans would probably fail or give up because of the effort. “Yes! This is the one!” said the moose antler pattern. Is the outline to be traced the one, or is the pattern? Hail Inglip, motherfuckers.

Do you seriously believe everything you read? Do I have to connect the dots for you? How many times can the same plot-device be effective? Well, I even had me fooled for a while there.

Our parent company purchased Your Anon Incorporated, and the Internet Chronicle is now the throbbing heart of a vast social media empire which is growing at an impossibly fast rate. With this deal came a whole merchandise sweatshop full of wage slaves down in Ecuador, and with any luck Julian Assange will be hired on as assistant manager.

More importantly, we’d like to announce the rise of Your Anon Christ, who is most certainly the second coming. Christ has teamed up with Your Anon Buddha and Your Anon Inglip to comically lord over the dirty consciences of Anon skids. Through this loophole, we will be able to impose a monolithic belief structure upon Anonymous which will ensure solidarity and effective group efforts. Think about it, Anonymous, didn’t you always know that the second Jesus would be an Anon? He’s not anything like the “Christians” who have had thousands of years to fuck up all the teachings and get wrapped up in violence and repression. No ma’am, he sleeps with all his followers like it’s Stranger in a Strange Land. He’s healing people left and right, performing miracles like you wouldn’t believe. I heard he already brought a DEAD person back to LIFE!

Don’t you wish daddy could see you now? We’ll find paradise and mommy will be right there to hug and kiss you through the whole ride.

Well kiddos, I’ve been to both HELL and HEAVEN, so here’s what I have to report. Listen up, because this is important!

• Anonymous is NOT the “final boss” of the Internet.
• The Internet is actually NOT a video game.
• If you take everything you read seriously, you might end up starting a cult.
• Starting cults is so easy a caveman could do it.
• Controlling and influencing others is fun only for masochists.
• Suzie the Floozie IS actually a prophetess.
• Being a jerk will only get the respect of other jerks, and that’s not worth much.
• Hate is just love for jerks.
• The world’s a hall of mirrors which will deeply disturb serial jerks.
• Even funny lies can hurt people.
• There’s probably no right and wrong, but there are nightmares.
• If you find yourself constantly rationalizing your own behavior, you will have nightmares.
• Being a hero is for idiots and cartoon characters. Do you really want to be a cartoon character?
• Pretending to be your hero makes you look like an idiot.
• Apologizing makes you look like an idiot.
• A hell of a lot of people are in love with death and don’t even know it.
• If you think people are out to get you, you probably think you’re way too important.
• Lay down with the fleas, and you’ll turn into a dog.
• “God” was created in your image, so she/he’s really a joke. “Real” nonetheless.
• There are plenty of people out there who will gladly spend immense amounts of time teaching you these lessons the hard way, if necessary.