Author: Kilgoar

Thursday, fans came out to the Grandin Theater to catch the premiere of Charles Cullen’s low budget holiday horror, Slaughter Claus. Among them,  Chronicle.SU film expert Ronny Nitro was on hand to offer his in-depth insight into the mind of Charles Cullen.

After paying five dollars for the cheapest ticket to a film premiere in the entire history of the world, no one could even be bothered to tear the ticket. The lights dimmed and the theater grew quiet with anticipation. Four extremely similar trailers for Charles Cullen’s next movie scorched the minds of the audience with repetitive clips from the same handful of scenes. The audience applauded wildly for each separate trailer. Then Slaughter Claus debuted, and the crowd roared its jubliation.

A freakishly entertained man floated around in front of footage of a roller derby match, the green screen effect so abjectly implemented as to defy all description. Outside the roller rink, this crippled man continued his insane and torturous praise of the roller derby he just attended, as he inched his walker forward, pausing, and then pushing forward again. A ground shot showed the walker gliding along without pause. Then a shot of the walker moving, pausing, and moving. And then back to the ground shot with the unstopping walker. Charles Cullen tortured the audience with this purposeful error until the pain of watching became absolutely unbearable. Then Slaughterclaus appeared, gladly fulfilling the spiteful and violent urges created by such shitty film making. By the end of the scene, the man was a tiny fraction of a head and part of a torso all but smeared across miles of pavement.

[pullquote]”There’s a Santa Claus, and there’s a Slaughter Claus. That’s all there is to it, and once again, I’ll probably get tagged as a genius or something like that.”[/pullquote]There was no set dressing, awful costumes, no remotely believable special effects, almost no passable acting, and uncountable inconsistencies. Halfway through the film, the pace of the movie broke down and became ten thousand times more torturous. An unbelievably cheerful couple awkwardly baked cookies, and projectile vomited what looked like muddy urine into a sink for nearly a half an hour. Then two men arrived with lawn darts, and stood in the doorway for what felt like another half an hour. These men disappeared into thin air and Slaughter Claus killed the fuck out of that family with lawn darts. The movie segued into a Charles Cullen music video replete with terrible green screen shots of lawn darts flying around the house. Another cripple, this time in a wheelchair, was killed by a foam sledgehammer that kept falling apart and magically reconstructing itself between shots.

The following is behind-the-scenes footage where Charles Cullen oversells the amount of kills in Slaughter Claus, and falsely claims that it is “not a thinker.”

Charles Cullen’s films can be purchased from the baby fuckers at Amazon by following this link, although we only recommend Boogieman, Cullen’s first and best movie.